To think weddings are not ALL about the bride and groom??

[procrastinationsupremo]

People are generally so generous to people who are getting married, they travel, buy presents, dress up etc etc. Not to mention close friends and family who may well have helped out with preparations and organisation and made financial contributions to the proceedings.... Yet otherwise reasonable people seem to lose all sense and think it's fine to expect people to wear things they're uncomfortable in, pay for things they can't afford and leave tiny babies behind at home.... Surely it's a lovely, warm, happy, family/friends celebration and you just want everyone to be comfortable and have a good time?? What's the point of a perfectly stage managed wedding where everyone's miserable and trying not to resent you!!?!?

MaisyPops where did I say that someone should attend a wedding alone when they don't know anyone else? I said that "I personally would never miss a close friend's wedding". Also, the close friend who won't come to my wedding knows many people there, including some of her best friends. People can do what they want but FOR ME a good friend's wedding is a priority.

And I would never expect people to take a day's holiday to come to my wedding!! They can come Friday night after work or Saturday morning - I obviously checked flight times before inviting people!! I'm well aware that they will have to get a hotel but I've done that for every wedding I've been to and I didn't mind at all. It's a fun weekend away fgs! I've even travelled to the States for a wedding. If I can't spend my hard earned money to help a friend celebrate a special occasion, what's the point in even having it?

Just on a personal note, when you move abroad you make a lot of effort (and spend money) to regularly visit friends back home and it can hurt when a good friend won't make the same effort for your wedding day.

So, having read MN I have discovered there is actually no way you won't do something wrong that breaks someone's notion of The Way Weddings Ought To Be. So sod it. Just remember it's an invitation not a summons and if people don't fancy what you're doing, that's ok.

DW and I had a Bon Voyage party with parents and siblings and then went off and had a beach wedding with just the two of us. We got some small token presents from our families (including a garden gnome) and our friends arranged for a bottle of champagne and a cake at the hotel where we got married.

I am sure we are on someone's list for breaches of etiquette but I really don't care.

I think the thing with weddings is that people have forgotten that your guests don't have to be there.

So just because you are happy to spend 4 days in a draughty old castle in the middle of nowhere leaving your children with babysitters and spending £9 per drink doesn't mean that everyone is going to do so.

A declined invitation is taken as an insult and it's ridiculous. (Looking at your dear cousin... you are entitled to your childfree wedding in the middle of nowhere, but since you are marrying DH's cousin and you and I have always been part of the same friendship group everyone I could have left my kids with are invited therefore I can't come. It's not a snub!)

A friend of mine cancelled her wedding because so many people whinged. They were on a tight budget so the ceremony was for close family/friends, with a basic party in a hall afterwards for anyone who fancied it. Straight away she got so much abuse because people felt entitled to go to the ceremony. Personally? When i get married it will be what we want & sod everyone else. Obviously if you expect your guests to fly to the Maldives, or stay in expensive hotels etc you are pushing it, but when it comes to colour theme, venue, whether children can attend the ceremony or just the evening do? My attitude is like it or lump it. You will never please everybody, so for the one day that is meant to be special to you as a couple, please yourselves & let everyone else deal with it

I couldn't agree more, mustbe. You can't please all the people all of the time so you may as well have the day that makes you and your DP happy and hope that everyone else enjoys it too

They are about the bride and groom. Without there would be no weddings.

sigh

Without them...

If someone else wants to plan my wedding so that everyone else is happy, they can be my guest. They can pay for the sodding thing as well

I've never been to a wedding that I resented attending. Nor have I thought that the bride and groom were honoured to have me grace them with my presence.

Basically all the weddings I have been to have been nice normal people who haven't made outrageous demands

This ^ , totally. Well said TreaclesSoda

I mean, Ilike reading the wedding threads on MN, but time after time I am staggered by how much some people seem to dislike the folk who have invited them
Don't get me wrong, I've been to weddings who have done things very differently from the way I would choose if arranging a wedding again, but I totally respect the fact that it is their day, and I got to choose when it was my day. It turns out that one of the most enjoyable weddings I've been to in the last 15years or so was the one I was really about the arrangements, and wasn't looking forward to at all.

lady that may be the case for your wedding in your circle.

But DH and I went to a wedding recently for the evening do where we only knew the couple because the other couple we'd known were on holiday. There's no way I would have travelled to sit like a lemon alone with people I didn't know.

I'm just pointing out that lots of travel isn't always easy for others.

E.g. Invited to a wedding a long way away but it's childfree so DP has to stay home with the children, leading to a lone traveller.

Flights to the continent are only half way through the day from my local airport so for a Saturday wedding my options would be: take a day holiday or miss the wedding.

You may like going and spending lots of money on weekend breaks etc, but for many it's not doable easily.

I'm just pointing out that saying 'people have a year' doesn't act as a reason to be annoyed when people

So just because you are happy to spend 4 days in a draughty old castle in the middle of nowhere leaving your children with babysitters and spending £9 per drink doesn't mean that everyone is going to do so.
A declined invitation is taken as an insult and it's ridiculous.
This other poster sums it up.

I've never declined a wedding invite, but we had some declines from friends who live 8/9 hours away. I wasn't offended or upset or felt any worse about our friendship. Just for them to attend would involve taking a day holiday and if they aren't at work they don't get paid. I get that.

I think these overly aired wedding programmes on television really have a lot to answer for. I have caught a few, its not something that I watch regularly, but on every show there seems to be some bridezilla, and it just seems to be the norm to see this.

I went to two weddings recently. The one was the best venue, the food was the best 4 course meal I have had in an age, all the bells and whistles, no expense spared. But we were told on the invitation that this was a formal wedding, cue new expensive outfits for myself, dc, travel to the wedding (which involved flights, accommodation) etc. Cost us a fortune. The ceremony was a bit stiff if I could use the word, everyone seemed a bit out of their comfort zone, it lasted more than an hour. Reception.. no-one danced apart from a few after the first dance as the playlist of music was not be to altered in any way, as per the bride. The seating arrangements were questionable, older teenagers (think age 18/19) were placed at the children's table and were expected to return to their seats the entire evening. My dc at this table, so had to entertain 4 and 5 year old the whole evening, who were not allowed to move from their colouring books they were given. After the last speech, many people started to leave. There was an open bar and the hardly a dent was made in the budget. Bottles of wine that were bought, were unopened, but they weren't on the tables, they had to be requested from wine bar, which was separate from normal bar.

The second wedding. This was done on a budget, and apart from the bridal party, was a casual dress code. As also a family member, similar guests to the previous wedding. Ceremony was beautiful, short but meaningful vows written by bride and groom. Food was great, but simple, the atmosphere was completely different, guests danced the whole night as there was a list for request to be played, children were seated with parents along with parents with children of same age, it was so much fun. We left at 2am along with the bride and groom. One of the nicest weddings I have been to.

So, yes the day is foremost about the ceremony of the marriage, but the whole point of inviting guests is that they can celebrate the day with you. Everything doesn't have to be perfect and scheduled down the very second. It make guests uncomfortable, and isn't that the point of inviting them.... to share and enjoy your special day with them?

We must be very selfish then, we got married abroad. We informally invited friends and family and then had a UK reception when we came back. We didn't put pressure on anyone to attend as we knew it was a lot of money and we were very grateful to the people who did come.

Weddings are solely about the bride and groom because it's their day, and they're not making anyone do anything either (purely because absolutely nobody is forced to attend).

If you don't like the attire, don't go. If you don't like the food proposed, don't go. If you can't imagine why nobody wants your whinging kid there and you can't bear to leave them behind, don't go.

It's an invitation, not a summons.

Upsy, off point of the thread but my gm was my biggest (and probably only) family supporter when I breastfed. She’d ring me up for about 60 seconds and say “how’s he feeding, queen? Remember put a bit of chocolate under your pillow for when you are hungry in the night. Love you” Rest in peace Nan x

This is making me so anxious about my wedding. We're not doing a lot of traditions and having it on a Friday to cut costs down. We're asking for donation to a charity instead of cash or presents. I just want to throw a party for the people we know and love with food and drink. Why will people hate that?

burdog they won't hate it

I've been to an awful lot of weddings and I can truly say that I have never once heard guests bitching about the bride and groom. Never.

As long as you don't demand a huge amount of money and/or time from them you'll be fine. And if your wedding is on a day that people might not be able to get off work, don't make them feel guilty. All will be well.

Happy wedding day

People won't automatically hate that Burdog. But if it's on a Friday, they may not be able to get leave. And if it's child free, they may not be able to get childcare on a school/working day. And if travel or an overnight stay is involved, it might make things even more complicated. Of course you must do what you want to do. I have no issue at all with how people decide to celebrate their marriage. But if a guest can't attend if any of the above apply, then you have to understand that too. All I've said on this thread is that a 'sorry I can't attend' isn't always received with good grace. And again, if it's family, it IS a summons .

Hah, cross post. Essentially the same thing. Congratulations!

I think this is the first wedding thread I've come across on MN with so many reasonable posters who actually like the people who invite them to their wedding

We had a child free wedding, one person (out of 100 +) was upset, so we said they could bring their child. A couple of kids from our immediate family were invited as were babies.
Lots of people said how great it was having a child-free wedding (all of them had children!) Our wedding didn’t start til 4pm and went on to 4am, so wasn’t very child friendly to begin with.
Family members child played a noisy vid game through the speeches which confirmed why I didn’t want kids there in the first place, I wasn’t his fault, I blame his parents!

I'll totally understand if people can't come. I'll understand and not push it since I wouldn't want them to be there if they're not happy. We're not having a child free wedding. I'm planning to ask parents what will keep the children occupied and buy some age/likes appropriate games etc so they're not board.We've chosen a venue that's right next door to reasonable hotels and accessible by public transport for local people.

For so many couples now a wedding is just a ridiculously extravagant over the top day. A day to show off really.

I know that sounds nasty but to me a wedding is meant to be about 2 people in love that want to get married and spend the rest of their life together. Yes, of course, have a nice venue, food etc but you don't need the majority of the things people pay silly money for.

We got married with no money. We had a brilliant day as did, as far as I am aware, our family and friends. We didn't have a sit down meal that cost a mortgage - we had a buffet made by us and family. We didn't have favours or matching seat covers etc.

We are still happily married over 30 years later and, if we could go back in time, would change nothing.

Maybe coincidence but I think just about all the weddings we have been to that cost a fortune have ended

I don’t quite understand the thinking that a wedding should be about anyone other than the bride and groom. I mean, if they didn’t turn up the wedding wouldn’t be happening so surely it IS about them. All of it. At the end of the day you can’t and won’t please absolutely everybody- some people will moan it’s too far to travel, others don’t like that kids aren’t invited, some don’t like that there was no choice of main course... I could go on. If you spend your wedding trying to please every single person attending then you’ll probably end up very miserable indeed.

We had a very traditional wedding but it did involve a certain amount of travelling. Some had loads of travelling to do, others not so much- that’s not fair is it?! We also invited children mainly because we don’t have many friends who have kids. And there were pregnant women there. And a free but limited bar. Im sure those things were probably not suitable for many people (the pregnant women thing particularly since I know of at least two people -me included- who had recent miscarriages who found it difficult), but we invited who we wanted there to celebrate with us, and we celebrated in the way we wanted to. Yeah maybe people weren’t 100% happy, but if we’d tried to do that we would never have ended up getting married. It’s not always convenient for absolutely everyone, but that’s not always because the bride and groom are monsters. I can well imagine we would have had a child free wedding if we knew hundreds of people with children because the cost really starts to add up if every other couple has a couple of kids with them. It’s not just about food or drink- it’s also about space. It would have meant a bigger marquee, more chairs, bigger dance floor, more doors in said marquee... All because of insurance and maximum capacity limits. It would have cost a small fortune more than we had, so we would have needed to restrict it to adults only had that been the case.

Oh and yes, it’s an invitation not a summons. My uncle (and godfather) didn’t come to ours because I didn’t want to invite his illegitimate child who I’ve never met and who he only sees once a fortnight (now the courts have made him after he denied the child was his!). No one has excommunicated him as far as I know. You can just say no!

I don’t quite understand the thinking that a wedding should be about anyone other than the bride and groom

No-one's said that.

Most people are discussing the trend for elaborate weddings. The type that place expensive demands on guests etc. I think the OP started by wondering why some couples forget how much their plans are going to impact their invitees. That's all. And no, it's not easy to say no. A wedding isn't a run of the mill party. Guest lists are usually carefully drawn up and a refusal is often a surprise and a disappointment.

Distant relative of mine got married earlier this year overseas - totally over-the-top ceremony that went on for hours, and then long journey to where the reception was. I hear that a couple of very elderly 90+ great-grandparent types had to go from breakfast until half-ten at night before they got anything to eat. B & G had a marvellous day and had the wedding they wanted, but their frail elderly guests were completely forgotten about in the planning.