To think weddings are not ALL about the bride and groom??

[procrastinationsupremo]

People are generally so generous to people who are getting married, they travel, buy presents, dress up etc etc. Not to mention close friends and family who may well have helped out with preparations and organisation and made financial contributions to the proceedings.... Yet otherwise reasonable people seem to lose all sense and think it's fine to expect people to wear things they're uncomfortable in, pay for things they can't afford and leave tiny babies behind at home.... Surely it's a lovely, warm, happy, family/friends celebration and you just want everyone to be comfortable and have a good time?? What's the point of a perfectly stage managed wedding where everyone's miserable and trying not to resent you!!?!?

Not for everyone Sunny

I dont buy into the big expensive wedding thing. It complicayes something ehich is really quite simple. Weddings should be about sharing your happiness eith those closest to you. However it is materialistoc and shallow, often based on the woman's need to look like a princess for the day and have lots of attention. I think the big wedding thing is for women and most men would be happy with a pint down the local after the registry office. If love is true it doesnt need money to show it nor the facebook evidence. Just my opinion tho.

I must admit though, I think I have a sneaky admiration for people who have the confidence to invite their guests to spend vast sums to attend a party that's all about them/their special day etc. I'd never have the nerve myself. Mind you, I was brought up in a generation that believed that if you extended an invitation, you were footing the bill. I hate restaurant birthday dinners, for example, where guests pay for themselves. Very awkward.

I think it’s a balance. I think the bride and groom should be considerate of their guests and not use them as props to stand around starving all day while fawning over the lovely floral arrangements. Equally though, guests should understand that the day is far more important to the bride and groom than it is to them, so to expect the B&G to spend money hosting the day and not have the day they want because of the preferences of the guest is ridiculous.

The ceremony - only the B&G matter. Anyone who thinks babies however tiny can’t disrupt a wedding ceremony is a very wrong. I speak as someone who walked down the aisle to the sound of a baby screaming. That was supposed to be a special moment between me and my dad and it was ruined.

Hermione course you can! Bar is cheap too. £2.60 for a pint of Carling. So everyone can get pissed as farts. Without spending a months bill money on drinks.

It's more important to us that our guests enjoy themselves. We are hoping to set up a little room with colouring stuff and board games for the kids. And might be able to stretch to an entertainer for the hour or so between the meal ending and the evening do starting.

Am really looking forward to it all. Apart from finding a dress. Budget is tiny because I am too tight to spend hundreds on a posh frock I will wear once.

Fabulous, I'll be there with bells on. (I actually went to a wedding where this was an RSVP option once, and several people turned up with actual bells on, and the groom was full cats bum face and the bridge thought it was hilarious.)

We thought about doing that too but the disparate ages of the kids made it logistically difficult, and I was organised/decisioned out - the kids were all fine in the end.

And the dress need not be a nightmare - I had a £500 one from Monsoon I fell in love with, but there are more sensibles ones out there. I left it too late to take a risk but try ebay, etc, and www.stillwhite.co.uk/ if you've got time and can handle the risk of a not-quite-right one turning up.

Just decline if you don’t want to go/don’t agree with it - simple!

I agree with that ceremony argument sonyaya. But not with the expecting b+g to pay. Hosts inviting guests should indeed pay for all except the bar and ensure guests are comfortable and well fed. Otherwise whats the point in going buying a gift and outfit. How odd to expect people to do that and get nothing in return. If thats the case just have the ceremony and a pub meal for close family and friends.
Sorry about the baby. I think others may not have focused on that as you were but understand how that special moment should have been yours. Id be pissed off too and if it were mine would have gone outside. So respect on both sides needed.

Well... I paid for my BM’s dresses, let them all have whatever style they wanted (I just picked the colour) and we did say no kids but babes in arms welcome. The only thing people paid for was travel (we made it local for the majority and somewhere very easily accessible) my friends paid to come to my hen do (not compulsory and I didn’t organise so the cost was out of my control, but I did say I didn’t want it to be too expensive) and gifts (again, not compulsory- plenty of people gave us nothing but we love them anyway and were happy just to have them with us).

Op you would have loved my wedding! All were invited including tiny babies, we had it in our friends pub and ensured their were drinks offers on thus costing people very little and had no dress code! It was the hottest day and my very elderly grandad wore a smart t-shirt! It was all planned in weeks and we just wanted to get married, people to have fun and not worry about anything! HOWEVER it was 100% not for everyone and I understand this. I do think that it's one day and you should just go along with whatever the bride and groom want if you can afford it!

@valuerangeweetabix

Ah having read my post back I wasn’t clear! I totally agree the bride and groom should pay. We had a free bar too, but I don’t expect that as a guest as I know everyone has a budget. I meant that as B&G are paying for the day (hopefully!) they should be able to make decisions within reason about the type of wedding that it is.

It was unfortunate about the baby crying at that time but no one’s fault - the parents couldn’t get out as the bridal party was blocking the aisle and door. I don’t regret having some children there - I adore my nieces and nephews and couldn’t get married without them there - but I do get a bit narked when people take umbrage at not being able to take a baby to a wedding is all. Because with the best will in the world if you take a baby along, baby might disrupt the ceremony and in my opinion it’s fair enough for the B&G not to want to risk that. They only get one wedding ceremony.

I wish people wouldn’t make silly comments about it being simple to decline. If it’s family or even close friends or family friends, you can often find yourself with a lot of pressure put on you and unpleasantness. I didn’t attend my uncle’s wedding. He wanted to get married abroad because it was cheap (for them) and sunny. We could not afford it and we didn’t go but we got grief and nagging. It wasn’t very pleasant.

My sister insisted all the men wear kilts. She sulked when a couple said no.
One gave into emotional blackmail, despite being massively out of his comfort zone
Oh and they weren’t paying for the kilt hire.
So he had to pay £100 to hire something that was massively uncomfortable and hated it

Not worth the argument for a family wedding but yes CF

I agree with your title, but not necessarily all of your OP.
If you are hosting any event, you need to give some consideration to the folk you are inviting, but not to compromise / change things to the extent that you no longer enjoy the event.
I know you can read a lot of threads on here about 'bridezillas' but I'm far more staggered about the 'entitled-ness' of guests. To my mind, whatever the 'do' you choose to accept the invitation or not, and, if you do accept, then you accept that the event is what it is, and it's not your 'right' to 'demand' changes to it.

I really disagree with making the wedding party pay for their outfits

Oh, really? Why even bother going then? According to MN, bride and groom - particularly bride as it's about being waspish about women isn't it - mustn't have any wishes or preferences at all. Any and everything will be deemed unreasonable by one guest or another.

People seem happy to either host or go along to theme parties. Even post on here for ideas for their chosen theme. But as soon as it's a wedding?! Suddenly the heels dig in "we are being TOLD what to wear!" The hypocrisy...

It's ONE day. There are as many unreasonable guests as there are brides

Some weddings I will go to, some I won't. But I see threads on here leading to absolute bitching about a bride, God forbid she should have a lovely day and upset the jadeds. & I'm thinking yeah...OP will instigate all that, and then be right there on the day with false smile and false congrats for the bride and groom.

Accept that weddings are mainly about the bride and groom. Aside from being great fodder for MN slating of course.

Go along with what you feel is silliness - it's not for long, honestly you will get over it. Life goes on.

I wish people wouldn’t make silly comments about it being simple to decline. If it’s family or even close friends or family friends, you can often find yourself with a lot of pressure put on you and unpleasantness.

SunnySkies I'm sorry your uncle caused so much unpleasantness for you. However, it really is simple to decline but you can never force the host to be happy about it.

I think it works both ways, as Mistress says. I would never be unpleasant like your uncle but deep down I'm very disappointed that one of my oldest and best friends won't be coming to my wedding (in the country that I now live in, 2 hours from the UK) because she "has kids" despite the fact that they regularly visit her DP's family in another country with the kids.

I think any of us could come up with any excuse (money, kids, etc) but I personally would never ever miss the wedding of a close friend or close family member even if it meant leaving the kids with my DP and going alone. People normally have a year's notice and if they can't even book a cheap flight to the Continent for a someone special, when can they? (Disclaimer: I'm not talking about asking people to spend a week, all inclusive in the Caribbean for the wedding - do people actually do that though?? Also, none of my friends are on the breadline in which case I'd totally understand if they couldn't come).

I guess I just want to say that it also hurts when someone chooses not to spend your special day with you

I think any of us could come up with any excuse (money, kids, etc) but I personally would never ever miss the wedding of a close friend or close family member even if it meant leaving the kids with my DP and going alone.
So someone should attend a wedding alonr where they may not know anyone else because someone has decided thry want a no kids wedding?
I would probably decline an invite to a no children wedding if it meant DH staying at homr with thr kids whilst I go and make small talk with people I hardly know.
People normally have a year's notice and if they can't even book a cheap flight to the Continent for a someone special, when can they?
If thr couple LIVE on the continent then I could understand people may try, but it's not as simple as that e.g. saturday wedding = Friday flight probably at one time so that means takinh a day holiday iff work, then 2 night's accommodation. Etc. It isn't cheap and is in no way comparable to driving a couple of hours to stay at family's for a weekend.

It's not about whether the bride/groom think someonr is on the breadline. It is about whether the person invited is able to take the required holiday and shell out for essentially a citybreak.

I agree that the ceremony itself should be for the couple but anything after that should be catered for with guests in mind if they are invited to celebrate with you.

It's what we did. Late ceremony, very few photos and straight for the evening party so no hanging around for hours. Children were invited, there was plenty of food and drink, local, no second tier guests and not a poem or cash request in sight.

I've never resented any wedding I've been to and they haven't always been easy to attend, be they far away or child free, a wedding is a lovely event. Why be bitter and resentful - just have a good time!

I've never been to a wedding that I resented attending. Nor have I thought that the bride and groom were honoured to have me grace them with my presence.

Basically all the weddings I have been to have been nice normal people who haven't made outrageous demands.

With the exception of one bizarre evening event, I've never been to a wedding I resented attending either! But I know I'm still 'resented' by the two couples I declined who still felt I should 'have made more of an effort' to attend. No is simply not just no in many cases!

Weddings are ridiculously expensive and so if you want the Pinterest fairytale you would have had to have spent A LOT of money on it, so I can see how you would be anxious that everything goes as you want it to and everyone adheres to any wedding requests you may have made, such as no children. Though I do say all that as someone who's wedding in May 2019 is totalling less than £4k.

Why are you complaining about something you have never experienced? Weird. Been to lots of weddings and don't recognise what you describe. I love weddings - find them very moving.