OH spending a lot of time with his ex's family

[Teddy7878]

I don't know if I'm just being an insecure idiot or if this is a bit weird.
My OH spends a lot of time with his ex's family (mainly the dad as they got along really well). He has been for Sunday lunch with them today and she was there too. She's with someone else now and my OH said he's just friends with her and doesn't look at her in that way anymore (they were childhood sweethearts and dated throughout uni too. I think he really loved her but she split up with him).
I can't remember the last time he spent time with my family!
He also went to a music festival with them all for a weekend over the summer.
Is this a bit weird or does it sound like I'm just being a bit jealous?

it'd be my deal breaker and I'd move on
hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea This is what I said.
If it was so important for him to continue, then I would move on. End of. I'm not interested in spending my life being second to an old flame.
He sounds like he's waiting about in hope she'll change her mind to me.

I spoke to him about it yesterday again and he's adamant he doesn't even find her attractive anymore and it's purely a platonic friendship. He said its more about spending time with her dad and he can't help it if the ex is sometimes there as she lives with the Dad still.
I'll have to just accept what he's saying and stop worrying about it or end things. And it would seem a shame to end things when we're really happy together other than this issue.
I also told him my concerns about not spending time with my family and he was really apologetic and said it's not intentional.
I'll call his bluff next time he invites me to the ex's house when I'm busy for Sunday lunch

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea

You sound like a mug who puts up with all sorts of shit.

You can believe that if you want, makes no odds to me. I'm not interested on controlling the lives of people I love.

Teddy, yes, do call his bluff.

Otherwise you're always going to be a sideline to this part of his life.

He could easily have a perfectly healthy set up, whereby he's managed to stay friendly with her ex and family, and potentially have you getting on well with them all, as well.

Really, it's no different to other family friends, in a way.

It's whether he's willing to do this that will be telling.

You can believe that if you want, makes no odds to me. I'm not interested on controlling the lives of people I love

It's got absolutely nothing to do with controlling people(I think deep down you must know this)....it's about having boundaries and not letting people make a mug of you. You can dress it up as 'controlling' all you like.

I agree with Dukes that it isn't 'controlling' to not be overjoyed at the idea of your partner going camping with an ex he was madly in love with and her family, and also going for Sunday lunch regularly.
I've never said he can't do the above as it's his life and he's known them longer than me. It shouldn't be a no brainer that he should also be spending time with my family (who are lovely and want to get to know him more) and should also be including me in his socialising occasionally, especially if it involves a previous girlfriend. I don't understand how you can think otherwise

No that’s not controlling any more than it’s controlling to expect my husband not to watch porn, stay in hotel rooms with female friends, not stay out at the pub every night until closing etc etc. It’s just having personal boundaries. You have said it upsets you. His feelings toward his ex’s family are more important to him than your feelings. You have chosen to accept that. That’s up to you but dressing up low personal boundaries as not being controlling is really a bit of an excuse for being a mug, sorry.

So what would you suggest I do? End things?

Only you can make that decision about your own relationship. If you are happier in the relationship than out of it then stay in it. Just pointing out it’s not controlling having boundaries. People have different limits on what they put up with in a relationship. If you are prepared to put up with that then fill your boots. Nobody on a forum can tell you what you should put up with.

i think it is lovely to carry on being friendly with people you have known for absolutely ages but he should be including you too if you wanted it that way. My old long term boyfriend from 500 years ago used to visit me and my folks for years, sometimes bringing girlfriends, sometimes not.

Crikey, I just wouldn’t have any time for that shit. It’s not controlling to not want your boyfriend to go camping with his ex and his family for three days FFS.

I would end it. I’m not going to pretend to be cool with something that I’m not purely to appease a man. Honestly, if he were the right one for you then he’d be moving mountains for you. He can’t even bring himself to not see a long-ago ex girlfriend for you. So it’s a no from me.

This will all come to head, and probably sooner rather than later.

The next time he goes off to meet them.

Either you're able to join them, or you're not. And if you're not and you accept it, well, that's that.

The ex's family is almost a red herring. The issue is actually how much this man cares about, and prioritises, you and your feelings.

It's actually OK for him to fundamentally feel as if his ex is more important (his feelings are his feelings after all). If you lay down the law to him, it's only going to lead to resentment on his part, driving a wedge into your relationship anyway. Just like the current situation cause resentment for you.

This is why it's inevitable that it will all come to a head.

So then you decide, like his previous girlfriend, whether it's a deal-breaker. It certainly would be for the majority of people.