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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH spending a lot of time with his ex's family

88 replies

Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 20:10

I don't know if I'm just being an insecure idiot or if this is a bit weird.
My OH spends a lot of time with his ex's family (mainly the dad as they got along really well). He has been for Sunday lunch with them today and she was there too. She's with someone else now and my OH said he's just friends with her and doesn't look at her in that way anymore (they were childhood sweethearts and dated throughout uni too. I think he really loved her but she split up with him).
I can't remember the last time he spent time with my family!
He also went to a music festival with them all for a weekend over the summer.
Is this a bit weird or does it sound like I'm just being a bit jealous?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 20:26

@swimming haha yeah I can think of plenty of things I'd rather do than spend time with my partner's ex's parents, but if they're that important to him it would be nice to feel included now and again

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keeponworking · 12/11/2017 20:36

The whole point of this is, if it's unequal then that's the wrong bit. If he actively chooses the previous family AND doesn't include OP in these invites AND doesn't hang out with OPs family, that's just unfair - and slightly weird because his efforts should be prioritised around OP and her family (which doesn't mean he can't see the others, but they appear to be the priority, which is the incorrect bit).

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 20:38

That's my issue. My sister has a new baby and he hasn't shown any interest in meeting him. He hasn't seen my parents for 5 months even though they live 10 mins away and I go over there every couple of weeks at least. Guess he doesn't find them fun like he does his ex's parents

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hidinginthenightgarden · 12/11/2017 20:42

My husband still spends time with his ex's family but not the ex. I think what is the most important thing here is that I spend time with them too. Not as often since we had kids but I know them well enough (ex's mum did a reading at our wedding) and that makes me comfortable to the point where if his ex was there on one or more occasions I wouldn't mind.
I think if it is truly a friendship then you should be involved occasionally.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/11/2017 20:44

It would be fine if all 6 of you went out for lunch, but just the Cosy 4? Nope. As for going away with them & not inviting you...pffft...he’d have been dust back in the summer. It’s fine with me if they’re friendly with their ex & her family, but at the point it excludes the current partner it’s FAR from fine.

MrsOverTheRoad · 12/11/2017 20:49

My ex spends a bit of time with my family. He's got a child by his partner after me and now he's with another woman....it was 20 years ago!

We were close for our youth and he forged friendships with my brother and my sister.

He will still go to my elderly Mum's house to fix her car...I live in another country but he'd still do it even if I never

Once, I was home with my DH and my ex came with his son for a cup of tea at my Mum's!

It's not a problem unless you make it one

FredericaFreiheit · 12/11/2017 20:51

I think there are 2 issues here.

  1. You do not feel included in this relationship with his ex/her family and are concerned that he hasn't really moved on / would love to go back there.
  1. He doesn't show much interest in your family, which upsets you.

I think both of those are valid concerns. Are you able to talk to him about how you feel?

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 20:54

I have spoken to him and he just thinks In bring silly and have nothing to worry about

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redlittlesquirrel · 12/11/2017 21:04

I'm friends with my ex and spend time with him and his family but my DP has met him lots of times. I would not go away with him, and I definitely wouldn't go away with him without my DP though.

I think it is reasonable of you to be upset when they are excluding you and not spending time with your family. I think you just have to be honest with him.

QueenArseClangers · 12/11/2017 21:15

I think the next time he 'invites' you (knowing full well that you have plans) you should call his bluff and accept.
See how he reacts then.

When they went as a foursome to the festival what were the sleeping/tent arrangements?

Like PP have stated, it's shit cos he's making no effort with your family and not including you.

FredericaFreiheit · 12/11/2017 21:16

I have spoken to him and he just thinks In bring silly and have nothing to worry about

OK - that's not good my love. Basically he is telling you that what you feel is not important and avoiding any real discussion.

If you love him and want this to work, I would try to make sure that he has really understood what is going on for you. Talk to him calmly and say something like:

I feel hurt and betrayed by the fact that you show no interest in any of my family, but spend time away with hers. I feel excluded and left out - you invite me when you know that I have other things to do. Even though you say I have nothing to worry about, your actions indicate that you really haven't moved on. (obviously in your own words)

See what his response is. Does he care about how you feel? If he dismisses your feelings and is not prepared to discuss this, I would be questioning your future. Sorry.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 21:17

He has a little tent that he slept in alone. And she was in with her parents in a big family tent. Think I just hate the idea of him preferring to spend time with them than me and my family

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TheLegendOfBeans · 12/11/2017 21:18

Does he want to live in the past or move on to a future where he has a chance of happiness with someone who actually wants to be with him?

Not only YANBU (because it’s fucking weird) but he’s mugging himself off holding onto a past state and potentially throwing away future opportunities.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 12/11/2017 21:27

You think that's weird - my DP lives with his ex MIL, with his XW living just round the corner.

MIL is lovely, does a lot for his DCs, school runs, housework, ferrying around etc while DP is at work, but it does make for an interesting relationship, having his XMIL as his housemaid/nanny. His ex is obviously welcome to just waltz into his house as her mum lives there.

Would love to see how other people would deal with this situation as he doesn't seem to think it's weird at all!

NCed as it is so obviously outing!!

DukesofHazzard · 12/11/2017 21:31

I wouldn't be ok with this, in fact it would be a deal breaker for me. Who seriously would be comfortable with their partner going off camping for 3 days with another woman? Ex or not.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 12/11/2017 21:32

He has a little tent that he slept in alone. And she was in with her parents in a big family tent. Is that what he told you? Not sure I'd believe it tbh sorry. I know my relationship is weird, but I would not be happy about this. It's weird enough being involved in their family stuff, but being excluded and the fact he shows no sign of wanting to get involved with your family says a lot. Are you sure they know that their daughter and your DP have split up?!

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 12/11/2017 21:41

YADNBU. I wouldn't be comfortable.

It's always sad when you spilt up with someone and had a really good relationship with their family. It's only natural you miss them but I don't think the Sunday lunches and weekends away with the ex and her family are appropriate especially as you've expressed unhappiness/concerns about it. Meeting up with her dad for a beer or whatever, yes that's ok, sitting down at the family dinner table for Sunday lunch with ex too, no not normal.

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 12/11/2017 21:44

I'm going to go one step further and say I think he still has feelings for her and if there is nothing going on between them then I think that's her doing not his. Sorry OP. He's excluding you, dismissing your concerns and not showing anywhere near the same level of interest in your family.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 21:44

I'm glad a lot of you are seeing my point of view as he seems to think I'm being totally unreasonable and insecure over nothing.
I wouldn't care if he was just meeting up with the dad for a beer, or if he wanted to remain friendly with the ex but had me and her new partner involved in their meetings. The current scenario makes me highly uncomfortable though and I'll need to have a think about whether it's something I can deal with or not

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Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 21:45

Yeah I do agree that he might still have feelings. I'm sure he'd still be with her if she hadn't ended it because they have so much in common. I'm certain he's still attracted to her too. Ugh!

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Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 12/11/2017 21:49

I think he's deluded for expecting you to be 'ok' with it. I honestly can't imagine there would be many partners who would be. Do you think he would be ok if the roles were reversed?

stitchglitched · 12/11/2017 21:50

YANBU. Nothing wrong with staying friends with people he has been close to but he seems to be doing so at the expense of making any effort with your family and is excluding you too. It's like he can have cosy evenings with them and pretend he is 18 again and they never broke up.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 21:50

He probably would be ok with it as he's one of these annoying people who is so overly laid back about everything and is in his own little dream world half the time.
He admitted his last gf had major problems with it all too so at least it's not just me

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 12/11/2017 21:52

How long ago did they break up and how long have you been together?

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 21:54

We've been together a year and they broke up about 8 years ago although I think they still had an on/off thing for a year or two after that. They were together about 5 years I think

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