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Original poster

OH spending a lot of time with his ex's family

88 replies

Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 20:10

I don't know if I'm just being an insecure idiot or if this is a bit weird.
My OH spends a lot of time with his ex's family (mainly the dad as they got along really well). He has been for Sunday lunch with them today and she was there too. She's with someone else now and my OH said he's just friends with her and doesn't look at her in that way anymore (they were childhood sweethearts and dated throughout uni too. I think he really loved her but she split up with him).
I can't remember the last time he spent time with my family!
He also went to a music festival with them all for a weekend over the summer.
Is this a bit weird or does it sound like I'm just being a bit jealous?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/11/2017 21:55

Where are his parents/family?

I wonder if his ex’s family are more like his childhood family in his mind and theirs?

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 12/11/2017 21:57

Most girlfriends would have OP. He needs to move on, his ex's family are no longer his extended family. It doesn't matter how well he got on with them or how much he had in common, he is no longer the partner of this woman, just an 'ex' and a friend. His current partner (you!) and your feelings should take priority over his 'friendship' with her and her family.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 12/11/2017 21:57

His mum lives abroad. He sees his dad all the time and he's nothing like his ex's Dad. His dad is very old school and formal. The ex's dad acts like he's in his early 20s still

OP posts:
SugaredSocks · 12/11/2017 22:22

From the way he’s dismissed how you feel and the fact his ex also felt uncomfortable by the relationship it’s clear he isn’t going to stop seeing his ex and her family so it’s down to you to either accept they will always be a constant in his life for whatever reason or to walk away now. I personally would walk away as I think it would constantly make me wonder if he’s just place marking with me. I wouldn’t want a doubt cast over my relationship and I’d be saddened he couldn’t see that his actions where causing this. Good luck with whatever you decide. I can’t image it’ll be easy for you Flowers

Butterymuffin · 12/11/2017 22:29

Agree with SugaredSocks above. He's basically told you he doesn't care if you don't like it.

PeiPeiPing · 12/11/2017 22:33

I wouldn't like it, it's odd.

As someone said, why isn't the OP invited out with the ex's family too?

It does seem like he hasn't moved on from his ex.

stitchglitched · 12/11/2017 22:38

Well after 8 years I doubt he is going to change tbh. He knows it has bothered another girlfriend and he knows it bothers you but he doesn't care enough to change things. His relationship with his ex and her family seems to come first for him. I wouldn't be sticking around to feel like second best.

dietcokebreaktime · 12/11/2017 23:24

How does he feel about you going on holiday with your ex and his family?

MistressDeeCee · 13/11/2017 00:01

He's in a relationship with you now. The fact he can't detach, that he needs to be in her presence, says it all. They can be friends but dinner and visit with the family? Come on.

In fact they all sound odd - what the hell is he hanging around for? He's not a blood relation. Notwithstanding I'm surprised her man hasn't told him to fuck off out of it and go make life - although I guess he insinuates himself when the man isn't there - he needs to pick his pride up from the floor and move on with his life. Wonder if they laugh at him..meanwhile he thinks he is so necessary and part of the family.

People who claim "but I got on with them sooooo well" are game players. You're a bit part in their drama. They don't tell YOU that though.

& this is MN. Be aware the people who will tell you it's ok, aren't leaving their DHs indoors to go to their exes family home and sit across the table from him in their great need to be privy to his life. There's a reason why they don't do it.

In your shoes I'd have binned him already. People who need their last relationship to be part of their present one where there's no need for a tight bond, are way too much hassle. Hassle is boring.

Bet if you invited her and her man round to yours, they wouldn't come
Not because they're offish - but because your man would find a way to make it not happen. He wants his fantasy life all for himself
He needs to grow up.

midnightmisssuki · 13/11/2017 00:07

Sorry OP but it sounds like he hasn’t got over her yet Sad. I would find it rude and disrespectful that he hasn’t shown any interest in my family but an ex’s family from 8 years ago seems to hold court with him. I would take that as a massive sign. Sorry.

Gemini69 · 13/11/2017 00:09

I couldn't be in a relationship with this man... sorry Flowers

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/11/2017 00:24

Do you think he would be ok if the roles were reversed?

There's no point even asking this question of him, as he clearly wouldn't mind, and then he'd feel even more justified in behaving as he does.

He doesn't feel as strongly about the OP as she does about him. So it almost certainly genuinely wouldn't bother him, if she were to be in close touch with an ex's family.

I was close to my ex MIL and BIL after my ex and I split, and I stayed in touch with them for a while, even after DH and I got together. However, it soon fizzled out after that point, as it just no longer felt quite right/appropriate.

This 'friendship' with his ex's family has outlasted an entire subsequent girlfriend. He's basically telling you that it will outlast you too, Teddy.

Flowers
snotandbothered · 13/11/2017 00:31

It's not ok because you're not ok with it. And you are his partner. At the very least he should take your concern seriously. No, you can't dictate his friendships, but he should be happy to meet you in the middle/compromise the nature of their activities together so it's not so intimate.

If you are uncomfortable (which I would be too OP) he should not be ok with that.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 13/11/2017 00:57

So he's known them for about 15 years and you for a year? But he's supposed to cut them out for you? Nah, don't think so. A healthy relationship doesn't need to control relationships with others. If you're not ok with it, its about you and him, not them and him.

streetlife70s · 13/11/2017 02:21

Fuck that shit. Would be a total deal breaker for me. No question.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 13/11/2017 07:39

@hotbutteredcrumpets did I say he had to cut them out of his life?! No I didn't! If you actually read my posts you'll see I was saying I don't mind him being friends with them but it would be nice to feel included now and again instead of him keeping her completely separate

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/11/2017 08:14

I think he seems them as his family and not because he’s hung up on his ex. I agree you need to speak with him and explain that the excluding you is the problem and it would be the same if he was off doing stuff with his bio family and you were never invited.

It’s all part of the bigger picture - where does he see your relationship going? For it to move forwards he needs to change his priorities so that you are part of his whole life.

DukesofHazzard · 13/11/2017 11:56

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea

Does your partner spend 3 days on camping trips with their ex? I suppose you're going to say it wouldn't bother you.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 13/11/2017 21:30

No, but if they were friends it wouldn't bother me. If it did bother me, I would no longer be with him.
I don't approve of anyone trying to control the friendships of their partners, if you think your boyfriend has a thing for his ex why would you be with him at all?
Makes no sense.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 13/11/2017 21:36

It's disrespectful, why would he continue to do something that upsets the person he is supposed to love and be in a relationship with. If it's that important that he is going to hurt you with this, then it'd be my deal breaker and I'd move on.

WineGummyBear · 13/11/2017 21:36

Remaining friends with her and her family is nice. Nothing wrong there necessary.

But the excluding you part is ridiculous. If all romantic feelings are in the past and it's all just lovely friends then surely he would want to include his current partner?

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 13/11/2017 21:49

why would he continue to do something that upsets the person he is supposed to love and be in a relationship with

That is a really controlling attitude. Your partner is not allowed to do anything you don't like, isn't allowed friend you don't want them to have?
Red flags all over that shit.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 13/11/2017 22:35

Not controlling in the least. My Dh has friends I don't really have anything in common with or go out with when he's with them. As do I. We also love and respect each other and would never intentionally hurt each other. It's worked for us for 32 years, so I'd say it's a pretty successful attitude.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 14/11/2017 06:49

Good for you. It's still controlling though. If you're with someone and they have relationships you don't like, you leave them if you can't cope with those relationships. You don't try and force them to end them on the basis that you have to come first.

ferrier · 14/11/2017 06:55

Remaining friends with the ex and her family sounds healthy to me. They have been in his life a long time and during his formative years too. And he clearly gets on well with them.
Not being so friendly with your family is also fine as long as he doesn't ignore them totally.
I'd call his bluff on the invitations though. Next time he invites you I'd cancel whatever you were going to do and go with him instead.