To have left feeling quite upset?

[Mumsiemummy1]

Today we have spent the afternoon at the in laws. I was quite looking forward to it, even though generally mil and I don't have the closest relationship, but it's nice to take DD and usually fine.

Today I have left feeling quite upset. Alot of the behaviour isn't untypical of them, but it seems to have touched a nerve today.

DD for some reason has been very clingy with dh for the last few days. It's very sweet and causes no issue between dh and I, however all afternoon today I have been made to feel utterly worthless by mil and gmil who have spent the entire afternoon talking and commenting on how she only wants dh. Even when DD reached for me, she would either be pulled from my arms, or it would be followed by "oh look she want the remote", or some other inanimate object close by rather than her wanting her mum.

When dh left the room, DD would be antagonised by both commenting on "where's daddy" etc which would have DD wriggling in my arms, to which she would then be pulled away.

I actually ended up having a little cry in the toilet as it was breaking my heart a little. There was no social awareness that it might be nice to follow it with some kind of acknowledgement of my existence.

On top of this, I have today for the millionth time had to defend my business to mil and gmil who constantly make comments like "oh so it's still busy", "oh I thought it would be around anymore". I have worked for 5 years building my business that emplys 3 fulltime members of staff and is on track for it's best year yet. Admittedly it is an industry they know little about, but it's rude and hurtful to keep assuming it's a day away from closure just because they don't take the time to understand it.

I was also called fat by both mil and gmil, who like to comment on my size as I am 20 weeks pregnant. My dd is only 9 months old so I am a little sensitive about my weight, as didn't have alot of time to recover from DD, but as two women, surely there should be more social awareness about making these kind of comments to any woman.

I feel really low and insecure now I'm home. Would you feel the same? Am I over reacting?

They sound vile. You poor thing. FWIW my dd prefers DH to me!

Good for you for building a business with a baby and another on the way.

If I were you I’d tell DH he can take dd on his own moving forward. Use the time to put your feet up an eat biscuits without being accused of being fat!

Big yourself up in their company. If they ask about the business tell them how proud you feel running a successful business and having a baby etc. It is pretty phenomenal. You sound great!

They also sound jealous, bet they have not done much with their life. Well done you, for building your business and raising a family.

"everything was "just a joke",

And my response would be "well I'm not laughing, so it isn't funny"

Thank you so much everyone for your support!

It feels so nice to know I'm not just taking things the wrong way and I really is quite unfair.

Unfortunately this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are comments such as this during every single visit over the last decade.

It really does make me sad, as I don't have much of a relationship with my own family and it would have been nice to have had that with mil. She has had a wall up since day 1 however and it's just too far down the road to repair now.

I am hopeful that her behavior will be called out by dh one day.

Re my business, 9 month old, and pregnancy, thank you all for your kind words. Admittedly I spent the majority of my first pregnancy gearing the business up for me to step away for a while to raise DD, and don't have too much of a hand on role day to day now, but I am very proud of it and look forward to going back when DC's are a little bigger :)

Sounds to me like. A joke with the funny bits taken out, pah.

Oh my goodness. I think you should respond to your MIL's 'little smile' and 'just a joke', with - "I'm afraid I don't appreciate your humour and didn't find that funny at all. Don't say anything like that again please". And do an eyebrow raise with no smile.

Soon enough there will be no conversation left given that your MIL is only ever rude to you.

I would also tell them to stop taking your daughter (and baby when it's born) out of your arms with, "Kindly stop grappling for my child, I will put her down when I'm ready and I don't like being manhandled".

I also think that it would be a good thing if you wait for your husband to return to the room to pick up on some of the comments about your weight, your business and anything else that they raise whilst he's stepped out. Prime him now saying that you won't put up with being treated like this and he needs to take your lead and back you up.

I'm never mean to MILs but this one deserves no consideration of her feelings if she's treating you this way.

I think may be a bit more sensitive than usual because of pregnancy hormones but, that said, they seem horrible and YANU to be put out given their close relationship to you and your DD. Well done on the business by the way, it must be really hard to be running a business and in charge of several employees with children/when pregnant. Go you!

is this what you want your children to grow up hearing?

This is a really important point. I was shocked when my infant school aged eldest asked a question, which boiled down to why FiL/MiL were allowed to say and do things which we wouldn't tolerate anywhere else and why did MiL say 'those things' to me?

I'd foolishly thought that if I kept quiet it would not affect them - I was wrong. I stopped going. It meant on the whole they saw less of each other but it wasn't my responsibility.

I'd totally ham it up on the remarks about your business - totally call them out on it.
Head tilt "why did you think the business wouldn't last Mil?" in a neutral tone and keep calling her out on her response. With any luck once she realises that being nasty will result in this she'll tone it down a bit.

On the personal remarks when DH isn't there, repeat what she says as soon as he comes back in. "MIL says i look fat, that's not a nice thing to say is it". Basically make it really uncomfortable for her when she's being bitchy.

And visit much less, she doesn't deserve to see her GD if she can't act politely to her DM.

I know it would be nice to have some childfree time while DH visits with DD, but really, why should they still get to see DD? Highly likely they will continue with dodgy comments even in your absence, and DD should not be exposed to that.

This. ❤️ Take care of yourself.

Should have been a picture

Whaaaaat? Sorry, leaving now......... 😫😩😊

I can see both pictures!!

So you are a bit overweight, so what. You’ve had a baby less than a year ago. You are pregnant and running a successful business. You sound amazing. Try not to let them get to you. Maybe they are a bit jealous. I’m a bit jealous! Well done you for managing it all. There is no need for them to be mean. I think it’s jealousy.

I would just keep throwing what they say back at them. So if they say "is your business still going?" Just take it as a compliment and say "I know, it's amazing isn't it. We're doing so well."
With your dd, it's a bit harder. But if they go on about "where's daddy?" I'd be tempted to take your dd and follow him out saying "yes shall we go and find him?"
The comments about her wanting objects rather than mummy aren't nice. Could you just give her a cuddle and say "Mil thinks you don't like cuddles but you do don't you sweetheart!" Then just smile sweetly and say something like "she's so gorgeous isn't she."
They sound like unhappy, jealous women. The best defence will be to try your hardest not to react to them. Practise when they're not with you and tell yourself they're only doing it because they're jealous of you and your family.

Thanks again everyone for your comments, tbh I was nervous about posting and it going in the other direction and ending up feeling even worse.

I think I'm off the hook for any more trips until Xmas now, but will take all comments on board about perhaps trying to put a stop to some of the negativity. I guess the problem is that even if I say something I don't really know what it will achieve. I don't think mil and I will ever have a close relationship as it's been far too many years as it is, I think it might just drive a bigger wedge and slowly make things worse 😬

Posted too soon...!

If I were to come back at her, it would be like I had a personality transplant and would give mil all the ammo she needs to make me seem like the bad guy after years and years of taking it on the chin.

I do worry however about how this behaviour will impact our children as they grow. I would hate them to think it was acceptable to say something mean as long as you follow it with "it was just a joke". I think it might perhaps be at this stage that we can make some changes and raise some issues when it is affecting DC's...I certainly don't have the personality to let that type of thing go, so if it is said around them I think my motherly side might just rip her a new one...god only knows how that will go down!

It's a shame that you don't defend yourself the way you would protect your children. In the situation you describe I would worry that your DC get the message that it's ok to say whatever they like to you and you'll accept it. It's important that your children see you, their mother, being treated respectfully.

Your in laws are incredibly disrespectful to you - it's ok for you to reply in a way that's out of character and draws a clear line for them. If they decide that you're the bad guy - well they've done that already really.

Does your DH know the full extent of the way they treat you? If not I'd be telling him everything including how hurt you feel. And I'd be expecting him to tell them to back off - you deserve to be treated with respect, your DC need to see you being treated with respect and you both need to challenge your inlaws.

@jellycatpyjamas I totally agree with you, this definitely needs to be dealt with before it is even an issue for the children.

I think when you have just accepted things the way they are for so many years because you were too young to deal with it in the first instant, it becomes quite a big deal and will most certainly come out of the blue for everyone.

I just k ow the response is going to be "I was only joking", "don't take your hard day out on me" kind of attitude. But at least if I make a start it won't come as too much of a shock when I have a 0 tolerance attitude with the children.

She’s uses those comebacks to wrong foot you and keep you in your place.
Start thinking of firm ways of to combat her bullshit such as;
‘No it’s not a joke and we both know that don’t we?’
‘My day has been fine thanks, though yours must have been quite shit considering how you’re taking it out on me.’
‘Ok well here’s a ‘joke’ for you...’ then tell her some Home truths and end with ‘but only joking right, no need to get sensitive about it.’

I think what will help you is learning not to give a shit about her feelings or what she might think if you stand up to her, if you can work on letting that go you’ll find it much easier to stand up to her because you take her power away by not caring.

time you retaliated Op, a few sharp comments back acompanied by a sweet smile should let them know you are aware of their passive agressive insults....and STOP them pulling away DD, YOU are her mother.

Vile , vile people. Don't waste another minute on them. They sound jealous and spiteful. Not worth your time in any way.

I'd stop goibg tbh.
Next time you are due to see them (Xmas excepted) just send dh and dc. Just say something like you've grown tired of putting up with all their jibes and if they don't understand what you are saying to maybe chat about it with dh while he's there.