To have left feeling quite upset?

[Mumsiemummy1]

Today we have spent the afternoon at the in laws. I was quite looking forward to it, even though generally mil and I don't have the closest relationship, but it's nice to take DD and usually fine.

Today I have left feeling quite upset. Alot of the behaviour isn't untypical of them, but it seems to have touched a nerve today.

DD for some reason has been very clingy with dh for the last few days. It's very sweet and causes no issue between dh and I, however all afternoon today I have been made to feel utterly worthless by mil and gmil who have spent the entire afternoon talking and commenting on how she only wants dh. Even when DD reached for me, she would either be pulled from my arms, or it would be followed by "oh look she want the remote", or some other inanimate object close by rather than her wanting her mum.

When dh left the room, DD would be antagonised by both commenting on "where's daddy" etc which would have DD wriggling in my arms, to which she would then be pulled away.

I actually ended up having a little cry in the toilet as it was breaking my heart a little. There was no social awareness that it might be nice to follow it with some kind of acknowledgement of my existence.

On top of this, I have today for the millionth time had to defend my business to mil and gmil who constantly make comments like "oh so it's still busy", "oh I thought it would be around anymore". I have worked for 5 years building my business that emplys 3 fulltime members of staff and is on track for it's best year yet. Admittedly it is an industry they know little about, but it's rude and hurtful to keep assuming it's a day away from closure just because they don't take the time to understand it.

I was also called fat by both mil and gmil, who like to comment on my size as I am 20 weeks pregnant. My dd is only 9 months old so I am a little sensitive about my weight, as didn't have alot of time to recover from DD, but as two women, surely there should be more social awareness about making these kind of comments to any woman.

I feel really low and insecure now I'm home. Would you feel the same? Am I over reacting?

Blimey. They sound awful. I would reduce visits, that’s for sure!

I will say what I usual say in these situations. I think you have a DH problem,not so much an in-law problem. Where is he when all this is going on? He should be supporting you.

I think anyone would feel the same. Try pulling them up on it when they make a comment. Call you DH back and say 'you wouldn't believe what MIL just said' and act as if its (she's) a joke.

The business thing, I would go out of my way to be super condescending, as in 'oh well MIL, I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's very complicated'.

The are clearly insecure and jealous of your achievements. Ultimately, if they continue to make you feel like shit, you don't have to see them. Let DH go on his own. He probably won't stay too long as it will become apparent that DD needs her mum...

Why on earth do you keep visiting? Surely your DH can go on his own, take your DD and just say something like "Mumsie's business is going incredibly well so she is visiting clients/finalising end of year accounts/interviewing for her next member of staff/whatever" whilst you have some free time on your own .

Gosh how horrid they sound. Please don't feel low - you have a lovely baby and another one on the way, you have built up a successful business (wow - that is a remarkable achievement) your children are going to be so proud of their Mum.

A little extra weight is nothing - totally normal - you've had a baby and are pregnant, it will go. They on the other hand will always be mean and nasty - how sad for them to have to get their kicks from putting others down - it must mean they have very little in their own lives to fulfill them.

Dh fully supports me he gave up a long time ago

These two statements are contradictory. He isn't fully supporting you, he is saying the words when you are not with them. That being the case I would stop going. DH can take DC for the visits.

Seriously - it took me years of trying to keep MiL happy until I realised 'sod this, it takes two'. Thereafter DH took the kids on visits to his parents and I was much happier for it.

The mistake I made was coming from a family where people didn't behave like this I convinced myself that I must be able to do something to change it. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough so I left them to it.

I agree that it would be nice for dh to address it with them, but I also know that it will result in nothing as mil won't listen, and it will only cause further issues. So I do understand why he doesn't step in and I don't resent him for it. Like I said, he truly is a wonderful husband in all other ways possible.

There behaviour says huge amounts about their own insecurities. I would confide in them that you have a dear friend who has a terrible MIL who makes comments about her appearance and tries to undermine her position as a mother. What advice would they give that friend? And why would someone be such a shit to the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son. Etc etc.

I would have to challenge this every time.

If they say dd only wants her dad, tell them she's going through a clingy phase, isn't it sweet.

If they say she only wants the inanimate job, say actually she wants a cuddle with mummy.

If they say you look fat, say that's not very nice and when DH is back tell him your dm/gmil just said I look fat.

Just keep it matter of fact.

What a bunch of utter fucking cunts.

Are they jealous of you? They bastard well sound it!

I hope you other half tells them they treated you like shit, and if it happens again, they will never see any of you again.

So I do understand why he doesn't step in

Then your only option is to stop going or at least go there much less and let DH take them. If he finds that solution easier. Its up to him really - either he finds a way to address it with them or he takes the children himself.

What isn't reasonable or supportive is for him to make no difference to their behaviour and not take responsibility for the visits either. If that means they see less of the GDC well so be it - its their choice.

Really don't let this happen - learn quicker than I did that you will never change them, they will continue to undermine you, generally be unpleasant and you will hate those visits.

You sound like you’re doing amazingly with a small baby, pregnancy and a business! They sound nasty and jealous. Don’t let them get away with it. Pull them up on it, politely and calmly every time.

I would confide in them that you have a dear friend who has a terrible MIL who makes comments about her appearance and tries to undermine her position as a mother

Honestly I wouldn't - playing those games will never work at people who are already highly skilled at them. Let DH do the visiting instead unless something changes in their behaviour.

Dont go.
My in laws hated me and it just wasnt worth the stress.
I just let DH take them over for tea and I put my feet up for a couple of hours.

Your making excuses for your husband OP.
I think a lot of it is your husbands fault for not having your back and sticking up for you. If he just sits there and lets them insult you then hes as bad as them.
If you were his number 1 priority then he should have nipped this in the bud years ago. Sorry but you need to be telling him to support you or basically thats it.He sounds like a bit of a coward tbh. You deserve better. Also they are jealous to death of you and your success.

I skim read until I got to fat. Utterly Disgraceful

I have a policy where I won't put myself in a position where I am with more than one female member of my in-laws at a time. Its like being in a nest of wasps.

No, definitely not unreasonable. I’d hate it too. I’m with others who say why go.

I think you and your dh need to revisit this issue - is this what you want your children to grow up hearing? They're either going to learn to roll over and take it when people insult them, be utterly confused/upset or worst of all think it's an okay way to talk to people.

It does need tackling I'm afraid - by both of you.

Your DH really should speak up for you, OP. You were very young when you got together but that’s not the case now. Your DH needs to act like a grown man and stand up to his DM and DGM. He needs to practise being assertive, there are ways of doing this whilst still being polite and not making it worse.

If it does make it worse it’s time to stop visiting them IMO.

Call them out op. My ex mil once made a nasty comment for me getting pregnant for the third time in a row. I thought you snidey bitch, you're always doing this. I stood there for a few seconds stunned then asked was she always a cunt. She said nothing ever again and we were alone in the room. It felt great and even better now that she's my ex mil. I would have been raging had I not said something to her.

She couldn't say anything because she knew I was the reason she saw her son at all.

Bitch.

Call them out every time.

Insecure, jealous, nasty little bullies. You sound amazing and very capable. And of course children go through so many phases. This one will go soon and be replaced by another. Shame the same can’t be said for your mil and her mother.

I don’t understand why people behave like this. They’re awful. You don’t need to put up with it. I wouldn’t go again - no explanation warranted. They’ll know why.

They sound nasty and spiteful, I would tell your dh you found their behaviour very hurtful. I would not go round there again. You don't have to go through that.

Re 'fat'. Just reply "I'm pregnant - what's your excuse?"
Or as said upthread "Did you mean to be so rude?"
Horrible people.