struggling at work - aibu

[bluepoppyrose]

The short version of this is, ive been working as a support worker/care assistant. I have a 2:1 degree from a RG university but this job seemed to suit in terms of hours, little responsibility and work around the children.

Yet i seem to be crap at it and it has really affected my confidence. Although i am kind and caring many of the service users seem to dislike me. They don't like my accent and they make derogatory comments about not wantig inexperienced carers. So sometimes they will shout at me for being early/late but not the other carer.

I find one man gets very angry when i am near and i dont know why.

So aibu to conclude this line of work just does not suit me and bow out now?

Stef - who said anything anywhere about carers not caring.
I didn’t read that.
I’ve read a woman who likes most of her service users and most are nice to her but she’s struggling with a few being horribly racist.

You’re a smart woman,working with some ghastly colleagues who’re offensive to you
If it feels safe report to the manager, otherwise escalate to someone else
Keep a diary,dates,comments,perpetrators. Can you confide in a friend

Do you know what Stef, you're right. Carers don't care. Carers go in and get out again as quickly as possible, leave people on beds half naked as they wash them, not even giving them a towel for dignity, pay no attention to personal choice - there is a cup of tea and don't ask if they would rather coffee or water or orange juice.

What I have learned is people who live with a spouse or other relatives fare best. Those living alone struggle massively.

I've learned people think carers are thick, akin to maids, and expect the earth because they make a small contribution.

I have also learned when everything is out of control you try to control small things and get angry when that doesn't happen. I understand it but it is still hard when it is taken out on me.

Do you need a job? What could you do instead?

I assume you’re doing home care? That’s one of the toughest care settings, because the clients are so uncomfortable and yes, in some cases racially inappropriate. (Sometimes it’s a generational thing and other times brain injury or infection remove inhabitions).

It’s probably not you- it’s the situation.

Different care settings like day centres are often more pleasant because the clients want to be there. PA work for people with disabilities is also great and can work around kids.

You are certainly in the wrong job. In fact with your attitude I wonder where you'd fit in

Seriously, was there really any need for that? What 'attitude' are you talking about? The OP is only asking for some advice.

If its.makomg you unhappy then get out.

However you're last post suggests to me you're a fantastic carer. Becasue you get it. In particular this:
I have also learned when everything is out of control you try to control small things and get angry when that doesn't happen.

You'd be surprised how few carers understand this. It can explain an awful lot of the "difficult" behaviour you come across as a carer. However racism should not be tolerated no matter the situation.

I actually find rhe relatives and spouses harder than the clients. The clients apart from one are lovely. But one man's wife is awful. Then at another house the husband is horrible.

That means a lot formerly. Thanks.

Blue I work as an HCP (have done nearly 30 years) and I am gobsmacked but not surprised any more how some of my patients talk about their carers/homecarers.

Some are just blantantly racist , there is no changing their views , they've had them for years

The timing is another issue some seem to think they're my only visit, I don't need to battle through traffic , I can park where I like or I should be able to ( yellow lines/double yellows/blue badge spaces) I am like any other motorist , I cannot park there.

They also get to know and get to like one person, or not. THey can be quite nasty about a collegue.

Recently someone said "Oh its nice to have someone English" - they meant white I think ) .

I just bite my tongue , there's no point having a barney though of course if someone was offensive I would say something.

And of course there are patients I really do not like as people, but I will be professional, polite and do my job to the utmost best of my ability. When we part company , I go my way , they are left with their own unpleasant little thoughts.

It is difficult. I do take things to heart. I sometimes think If you spoke to me like that in B&Q carpark I'd fucking lamp you but I hide my face well and think "You won't get the satisfaction of winding me up."

No wonder the patients are miserable and complaining if their carers don't genuinely care for them

Why are you making stories up?

I think you can try to be interested in other people’s lives, ask what they’re having for tea/ dinner/ pudding and say I could just eat whatever you’d like now. To get along with someone it could just take a little while to connect over something where they don’t feel vulnerable. Chat about TV, your favourite chocolate, their favourite chocolates etc. If they don’t want to chat that’s ok. If they are rude don’t react to it in a way that gets in the way of future empathy. Just try to forgive their grumpiness, if they need a carer they already have something to overcome. You want to get them to feel you want to help them however difficult you feel it to be. Good luck, I have a northern accent so where I live I would never be considered posh and I’ve worked in lots of different types of jobs where accepting other people helps. Everyone is different not better is the type of attitude that will help in all walks of lives. I say this with the best of intentions not to say you’re not already doing this, but just to try to give you a bit of well intentioned hope that you will adapt and gain a different skill set which you may not have needed before. Everyone always like to think about what they’d do with a Lottery win you could just try that tomorrow because your conversation would be genuine. I really think you can do it just don’t expect it to be overnight.

So the almost all bar one of the clients are lovely (the clients being the people who count).
You care enough to make sure they have choice and understand their behaviour. I think you sound like a nice carer. I don’t think you are in the wrong job at all. Going from your attitude I’d be happy to have you look after me if I needed it.
When people are disabled/have dementia etc they may continue to be racist but they do not/may not understand.
However if relatives/spouses are being racist action should be taken by the firm you work for.
I hope that you report this to your manager and something is done to prevent you experiencing this where possible. Where they can’t prevent/stop it (for example a confused patient) I hope they support you.
But if you can’t tolerate it and it’s continuing to upset you then look for something different. Care work can be gruelling but you sound like a nice person.

It isn't really grumpiness to be honest.

I go in one house where he is lovely and chatty with the other carer but inly ever shouts at me not to do something. I am constantly on edge and anxious.

Then i go to another house where he is fine but his wife constantly shouts at me.

Then another house the husband is always grumpy.

It makes me tense and anxious.

Oh dementia is totally different ... they can call me what they want then; it isn't "really" them.

Now you have experience Can you change to a nhs job,try bank work as an hca

Just as I suspected when first read the thread! The service users (some) are racist bigots but because they are old they have to be tolerated. NO. If they are rude about your race it is perfectly acceptable to tell them that is unnacceptable. You are not useless OP, unfortunately you're just dealing with a generation with terrible views of those from other ethnicities. With a 2-1 you can do better than care work.

Generally you need an nvq for that and rhe hours don't really suit.

Sharing my misery helps

Can you work solely for 1 client or change jobs
Are your family in uk
Where is all this leading,what do you want to do

"Now you have experience Can you change to a nhs job,try bank work as an hca'

I was thinking that - my work does on-the-job training, or for something like a dispensary assistant or midwifery support assistant. What's your degree in?

You don't always need a nvq for hca bank work, one of my dc is doing a degree in medicine and tops up their student loan ( we do help as well) with hca bank work at the local hospital. They do not have a nvq.

It's awful that you feel that way about work,
I know it's really difficult but if a family member is rude to you pull them up on it and tell them it's not acceptable, and put it in writing to your office every time.
What are the office saying about it? Are they trying to address your problems at all? It could be that you are with the wrong agency. I work in adult social care for social services and they would be right behind us if any one is that rude, paticually family members.
Are you the only none Brit there? Are you able to get advice from them as to how thay handle it?

I really feel for you op, care work is tough and this situation sounds really horrible. I would first discuss this with your manager and see if they can sort you a group of patients who are nice. If not then quit. No point in doing a job that makes you so unhappy.

I wouldn’t rule out working as an hca in a hospital, you don’t need an nvq and may find similar hours. I think unfortunately and very sadly a lot of elderly people are racist. This is occasionally an issue in hospital but I think people are generally probably politer than in their own homes plus their is a greater racial mix of staff in hospital in my experience.

I think you should report racist clients to your employers. Every time. No way should you have to put up with that.

Hope you’re ok.