Punishments for bad behaviour

[Witsend247]

My children's behaviour has become out of control. Especially my youngest who is 8.
I've tried grounding, loss of screen time. All of which is followed through to be met with an "I don't care" attitude. And the cycle continues. Something needs to change or I'll end up leaving them with DH. Theyre making me unwell.

Constant arguments with each other often resulting in (low level) violence. Absoloutely no respect for me or family members they see frequently. Calling us losers, weirdos, fat. Total disregard for the house and it's contents. Kicking doors, throwing things. The other week the 8 year old tried to smash me phone screen.
Refusing to eat dinners I have made them.
Screaming and shouting constantly. Demanding things in the middle.of the night. Refusal to go to bed while running in and out of eachothers rooms goading eachother. Cue more screaming. Hiding eachothers belongings.

Nb. No special needs, behave perfectly well with others and at school. Recent parents eve comment "dc is a credit to you"

1. 8, 10 & 15 (15 year old no trouble at all and tries to stay away from them)

They're basically brats.

They're basically brats

If they're all NT, then this behaviour has stemmed from somewhere. Kids generally aren't brats without a reason. Can you pinpoint when you recognised that some/all of your children were showing difficult or disrespectful behaviour? Has there been a 'major event' like a move/divorce/death?

That's just it. I have done. Their tablets and playing with their friends.thats all they really care about. If they're naughty then they're grounded the next day. I've grounded for a week before but that just faces them free reign to do what they want as they're already grounded. So I've recently started doing it daily. The youngest is grounded every other day on average.

In the mornings they seem to take it in turn to be horrible to me. Screaming at me etc. All I'm trying to is get them to school. I've had enough.
DH is a pushover. He always gives in. Part of the problem.

Gives* them free reign

We moved house a couple of years ago. It didn't seem to affect them. Just down the road. Same school. Nothing else changed. Their behaviour seemed to cha 've when they started playing with one of the neighbours children. I have since cut all contact in the hope that helps.

Have you looked into the love-bombing thing? I've only got one little one so not an expert, but finding a chance to spend a day with each of them individually and do whatever they want to do and give them all your attention. It might give you a chance to realign your relationships with them. Like I say, I'm no expert but someone else might come along who is or google will help!

I stopped all activities last year due to their behaviour. Purely due to the fact that they're making me just not care enough about things like that.
They font watch tv really. They prefer to watch YouTube videos of bratty American teenagers (this gas been stopped)
Theyre supposed to get £5 pocket money every weekend. I cant remember the last time they earnt it so havent been receiving it. They don't care.

Poor you. It really does sound like you have slipped into a negative cycle and need some help to get out of it. I have less children but did have a stage that was a little bit like this. I got some help from school through the home school link worker, did the parenting puzzle and read the book how to talk so your kids will listen and some stuff on positive parenting techniques.

I don't follow a set tool or philosophy but things have improved massively. It's hard to get your head round the idea that taking stuff away doesn't work as the only parenting technique. You can do lots of things that are positive without being a push over

I don't envy you, having an unsupportive partner is hard. Hopefully a bit of a rant and some ideas on here will help

Ok so at the moment there is no screen time, no activities, no playing with their friends. How about starting a good behaviour chart? If they behave for an hour, they get a half hour screen time, if they are good for a half day, then they get an hour screen time in afternoon, behave for a day they get to play with their friends for an hour the next day and behave for a week, they get to pick an activity to do eg swimming, dancing etc. turn it into a positive thing

Do they need to be more physically active, to get worn out more? You could decide whether it is swimming, football, martial arts etc - not a club they go to because they've chosen, but something they have to do, like school, to burn off energy/keep healthy/what ever you choose to tell them.

And get your DH on side! Is he leaving all the disciplining to you?

They do an after school club after school and one out of school. I cancelled the rest because they didn't suit me and I decided if they wernt going to have respect for me I wouldn't go out of my way for them like I always have.
On a good day they spend most of their time either slowly eating their dinner (which can take up a considerable amount of time), on their tablets, doing homework (They actually have no tantrums over doing this strangely) or playing in their rooms/out with friends on bikes etc.

Your dh is a major issue.

Your negative parenting is driving negative behaviour in your children. Read up on positive parenting and start implementing it.

Dh has recently got better at not undermining me when it comes to parenting. We both have very different styles which I'm aware may be the problem. He's away with work this weekend and all they keep saying is they want daddy. I asked dd15 if I was horrible before. As the younger ones are always saying I am. She said definately not and gave me a hug which i definately needed.

Chores are your friend op.
List each, shared ones - working together =done faster =a positive response - snack time /a film with popcorn. We regularly have Sat in the house getting things done with a reward time at the end.
Lunch on a time limit or plates removed and food binned =another job added.

Witsend247 what do they do to keep active both mentally and physically? The more you take away, the more bored they become, and perhaps is adding to the negativity.

Could they each have one 'thing' they do, and not use it as a punishment when being naughty? Everyone has different methods of discipline, I personally believe immediately but not long standing consequences are the best options. At the moment they have given up on achieving anything 'good' long term, because what's the point? They don't get it back, they have nothing realistically to work towards.

Don't answer to rudeness. Walk away, don't feed the attention. Same with refusing dinner, put it in front of them, if they don't eat it then they don't. Don't offer anything else, eat your own, don't mention, ask, beg them to eat. Stack bedtime, make sure the youngest is asleep first, then the next two. No devices in rooms - do any of them share a room? Divide it equally, put locks on drawers if needs be but make it clear that everyone has their own box of 'things', and no one gets to touch without permission. It sounds like it's quite a busy house, so perhaps they feel they're all a bit in each other's pockets? Having their own individual 'spaces' may help, if they don't already.