Punishments for bad behaviour

[Witsend247]

My children's behaviour has become out of control. Especially my youngest who is 8.
I've tried grounding, loss of screen time. All of which is followed through to be met with an "I don't care" attitude. And the cycle continues. Something needs to change or I'll end up leaving them with DH. Theyre making me unwell.

They all have their own bedrooms. Thank god!
I have said to them that if their behaviour improves and they keep it up for a decent amount of time. I will look into them starting a new activity. They dc10 wants to learn piano and dc8 wants to learn to ice skate properly. I have reminded them of that, and pocket money etc. They just say "I don't care"
Dc8 was sent to bed early last night due to behaviour and me and dc10/15 stayed up and watched a film. Cue crying, whining, I need a drink, I'm hungry, slamming doors, ttied to smuggle ipad and chocolaye bars upstairs etc. Went to sleep after about 45 minutes. Doesn't seem to have learned anything from it as the behaviour has continued today.

I intend to. The problem is DH is back tonight and im going out. All disapline will go out of the window and he will most probably pander to their every whim. Despite the fact that dc8 has been vile to me all day. He will give in for an easy evening.

Discipline*

Your children are responding well to boundaries/routines/praise/encouragement at school so I think it is something to do with what is happening at home.

Seek support from school with behavioural strategies and ask if there is anyone who can come to the home and give you advice

Your 15 yo cannot be relied upon for many reasons

Fuck it. Turn your house into an actual prison - it’s a brilliant example of behavioural modification. Punishment and solitary confinement 23 hours a day till they learn that you are the boss, they must show no resistance. Get those spirits broken now. It’s your only hope.

[/sarcasm]

Very helpful titty

It’s what she’s basically doing m.

So what suggestions do you have, Titty?

Already made them. They’ve been ignored.

I’m starting to see the OP’s POV though. I’m off to tell my team on Monday that I demand respect and if they don’t give me it and do exactly what I say I’m goi g to start applying sanctions. Should up their motivation to meteoric levels.

I wrote this on another post earlier but I find the book Divas and Dictators good for behaviour and an easy read. The guy who wrote it run a school for children excluded from other schools and i felt like he knew what he was talking about. He's also written one for teenagers.
He starts off with positive methods/praise so it would be good if you feel you've got stuck in a rut of punishments not working.

You need to talk to your DH. You need to present a united front. I would write down a list of behaviours and a list of consequences/rewards and stick it somewhere that only you and DH can see it. If he doesn't bother to discipline like you, then he's the goody and you're the baddie, so they'll kind of resent you.

Do you have a utility room or conservatory? If so, is it worth placing them in there if they do something exceedingly bad, such as violence, to calm down? (I may or may not have got this from an episode of SuperNanny that I ended up watching yesterday...). One minute per year of age.

Fucking hell.

If you want a relationship with your kids when they are adults don’t lock them in the conservatory!!!!

Supernannt should be locked up.

I never said lock them in there, Titty. But if they're really over-excited, they need a little space to just breathe without being goaded by their other siblings! I can tell that the second part of your username reflects your parenting style. Can you share some of your positive stories?

Op, mine are 2 and 4 so I may be talking out of my arse but it sounds like they’re bored/not stimulated enough. If they don’t watch telly, don’t do activities or see their friends then it’s no wonder they’re climbing the walls.

When mine are playing up I find actually being more positive and giving them more one-on-one time really helps.

I think you should work out a schedule where between you and DH each child is getting some calm, positive interaction with you both, alone. Stop the punishments, they aren’t working. All behaviour is communication and they are clearly not happy with something. Start there and see how you go...

I hope you figure it out because this really does sound exasperating for you.

I’ll post some ideas when I know the op is listening. At the moment she wants to keep doing the same but have different results.

But if they're really over-excited,

What do they have to be excited about?

Excited as in over-stimulated. That was the word I was looking for, but couldn't think of! And I look forward to hearing your ideas, it will be interesting to see a different perspective.

There are many already in the thread. And I’ve posted on (many) other threads too. Use the advanced search function.

Do they know they're loved? It sounds silly but my parents got into such a negative parenting cycle and it was obvious we were resented. If have said "don't care " as it's easier than accepting I cared very much and was just hurting.

If they've been like this a while they haven't got positive models so don't know what you mean by being good. they're just respondoing to someone they see as always cross with them and punishing them and they're going to act out. If anything it just feels the cycle and makes it worse.

I think looking for punishments is the wrong direction as that's obviously not working but a need to work on something positive. Is their family counselling you can access through school or pay for?

Sounds like a vicious cycle tbh with no-one respecting anyone else. I wouldn't cut out extra curricular activities as a bit more engagement would be beneficial I would have thought, not less. I would schedule in routine pleasant activities, try to bring the family back together a bit.

How do you deal with it when it kicks off? Are you a shouter. Sometimes reacting like that makes it worse, the loss of control ramps up the tension and anger and it just spirals.

Punishing them doesn't seem to be working, what is the atmosphere in the house like? Do you and DH get on well? Speak to each other with affection and respect and model good communication? There's a book on my bookshelf that is fab, can't get up to check title as have sleeping baby on me, but is something like calm parents, happy kids or similar. Dr Laura Markham is v good.

Take away any fashionable/branded clothing. All electronics and toys from their bedrooms. As a kid grounded meant absolutely no fun, even our bed sheets were taken from 9am until betine so we couldn't sleep. We could only read or play our instruments. We could only come downstairs to eat once the rest of the family had finished and gone into the next room. If they had a takeaway or any treat food we wasn't allowed it and given toast and beans. If there was a family occasion/or if our parents had to go out we had to attend but only in the outfit our mum picked out. We were allowed only to go to school and extra curricular activities (but we did have extra curricular activities most days) which sucked when I was ground through the summer or during Christmas we weren't even allowed to go on the family holiday and our grandparents stuck to our punishments. Even now I still have respect for my parents as if we respected them they'd respect us. Trust me, any threat of groundment we'd bloody plea for forgiveness and suck it up as it could always get worse (my parents never raised a hand to us) and all three of us ended up okay.

The youngest is grounded every other day on average. Then it is very clearly not working. So bigger and bigger punishments plus your very clear dislike of their behaviour is adding to the issue rather than taking it away.

I have to run DD like a dog if I want her to behave. Too much energy and pent up excitement. Very quick natural consequences for behavior. None of this 'take screens away for a day' or 'ground for a day' stuff.

Dislike the behaviour, not the child. And make sure they know that. They are old enough to have a meeting, work out some behaviours to keep everyone happy and work out their own consequences. Dispassionate and no 'respect' nonsense. Honestly, I work with a lot of youth and demanding 'respect' is the road to hell.

Jeez Raven that sounds harsh!!