DIL, Christmas and GD, WWYD? (Sorry it's about the C word)

[ItsonlyGranny]

Background: In December 2015, my son died aged 24. At the time he was married and had a 6 month old daughter, my granddaughter (GD). We knew our son was ill and his wish was to have a family Christmas with us all, so I saw GD on her first ever Christmas which was wonderful but also horrible as we knew it would be my sons last Christmas.

In the year following my sons death I saw GD around twice a month, although sometimes it was more often as if her mother had a meeting at work or wanted to go out with friends I'd offer to babysit and have GD overnight.

For Christmas 2016, Daughter-in-Law (DIL) decided to take my GD (then 18 months) away on holiday for Christmas and returned just before the 1st Anniversary of my sons death, we spent time together on the Anniversary. I respected this, understood it was hard being the first Christmas with out her husband.

Unfortunately since then my husband has been made redundant and been laid down with ill health himself and my daughter moved away to go to University so we've lost 2 incomes in the house, so I had to take on an extra job to make my hours up to full time. This has meant I've had to cut back on seeing GD to once every other month as on the other month I was travelling to see and spend time with my daughter. It broke my heart to spend less time with my GD, she's a lovely girl and reminds me a lot of my son. I love seeing her and want to be a part of her life if I can. She does definitely know who I am still though as when she sees me on those months she runs to me shouting "granny granny".

I also know that in April this year DIL met someone new. I've not met him myself but my husband is good friends with DILs mum and she says he's really nice and adores my GD. I'm pleased for DIL, I know my son would want her to be happy and I hope he's a good role model for my GD.

I text my DIL yesterday to enquire about seeing GD over Christmas. I never expected Christmas Day as I'm sure DIL wants to spend that with her family, but was hoping I could see her before actual Christmas Day. But I'm heartbroken.

DIL has offered to pop over with GD on the 29th December which is the 2nd Anniversary of my sons death, but says that she can't see her having time to pop over with GD before then. I will finish work from my 2nd job (retail) at 7pm Christmas Eve and will be back in 6am Boxing Day, but I am off 22nd and 23rd December from both jobs so was going to offer to have GD then. DIL says they're travelling to see her new boyfriends family when she finishes work on 21st December and will be back late 23rd December. They are then going to DILs Grandparents on 24th until 26th December. DILs grandparents live in the next street to me (that's how her and my son met, as she was spending a weekend at "home" with her grandparents and he bumped into her), but apparently DIL won't have even half an hour to pop in to see me and my family anytime in those 2 days.

I am absolutely heartbroken, and I want to tell DIL that it's not fair. I've already lost my son, I don't want to lose my GD too.

WWYD in this situation? Do I just have to accept that I will be seeing a lot less of GD now and not get Christmas with her?

I’m gobsmacked about your dh attitude towards your sons daughter. I married my dh and he is a step father to my ds from the age of 2 he doesn’t call him dad he sees his father but they have a good relationship. Dh would never not class any of ds children as not grandchildren ever and he certainly wouldn’t treat them differently either.

I agree with others - see if you can pop around to the other GPs for an hour during DIL's stay. It should be possible to arrange, esp if OH knows DIL's DM.

You keep talking about having her pop over to see you. I think you need to make the effort to pop over and see her. It sounds as if most of her xmas is already taken up with people expecting her and DD to travel and see them. If you take on the work of travelling and she doesn't have to do anything, you'll probably get a better response.

I am very sorry for your loss, it’s still early days for you.
The bit I just can’t get my head around is that they’re 20 minutes away and you see her 6 times a year. I appreciate you’re working but most of us are and most of us have family members/elderly relatives/ to see on a weekly basis alongside working full time etc. Can’t you try and see her a little more often?
Are you caring for your husband? Is that why you can’t go after work?

It is still early days OP and you are looking after everyone else as well as being bereaved. Be kind to yourself too.

GinandGingerBeer makes a good point about perhaps just popping in occasionally to see your dgd, if that suits your dil. You don't have to stop for long, especially as she may be having bathtime/going to bed by the time you are finishing work. If you are passing, however, you might drop by with a little book or a little something for you dgd. Just keep yourself on your dils/dgds radar, for when things ease up a little and you have more time to spend together, or can help out more.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful MIL and are very aware of everyone else's needs. Best of luck.

I think your dil is being more than generous with the contact she is allowing you considering how little her child is recognised by your family and the amount of time you have reduce contact to.
She also needs to have sometime over the festive period to relax.
Enjoy the day she has thoughtfully provided for you and I hope your grandchild brings you joy on that important date.

Best wishes

I’m so sorry for your loss. But I don’t understand why you have to travel to see your adult daughter so much.

And really, you can only spare 1 day every other month?

I completely sympathise that this is a really difficult situation, but it isn’t the DiL’s fault you cut back hours visiting GD. I’m not blaming you, but you can’t blame her.

It’s an unfair situation, but no one is to blame. See her on the 29th and then make a New Years resolution to try to see you GD more.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In the gentlest way, it sounds like DiL is running herself ragged over Christmas trying to fit everyone in, and asking for her to give up time over her Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with her family to fit in another visit is a bit unfair. The poor woman needs some time to relax. She has found her first free day on the 29th and offered a visit to you then, and while you'd very understandably like to see DG sooner, it sounds like DiL is genuinely trying and values her contact with you.

Hard as it is, the most helpful thing you can do to keep your relationship with DiL strong is to be 'easy' and welcome her when she can visit. Nothing like the grief or stress you have to manage but I do understand some of it: I have a much loved family member under a lot of pressure from her DH's quite complicated family. Certain days spent with anyone else or too big gaps between visits leads to tears and tantrums. So rather than fight for their time over Christmas we make it clear that we'll just have Christmas with them whenever they have the time, and whatever the date that will be our special day to celebrate together. As a result they look forward to being with us, and we're the part of Christmas they associate with no stress and getting to relax. I think we have the better part of the deal.

I really am sorry for the loss of your DS, OP, that must be so hard to come to terms with.

But your DIL must feel that your side of the family don’t prioritise them at all, with your DH and DD not interested at all. Your DH was involved in your DS’s life from when he was a small boy. My DSis loves her DSS as much as her own DC and shows no favouritism towards her own DC at all. Despite the fact that he calls her by her name and has a relationship with his own mum. That’s how it should be.

Your DD should show an interest in her niece whether she does small children or not. And I really don’t think she needs you to travel to see her so often as she comes home at Christmas. My parents didn’t visit me at all when I was at uni.

Sorry if I sound harsh. You need to rethink this if you want to get your DIL on board. She will be hurt by you seeing her only 6 times a year.