DIL, Christmas and GD, WWYD? (Sorry it's about the C word)

[ItsonlyGranny]

Background: In December 2015, my son died aged 24. At the time he was married and had a 6 month old daughter, my granddaughter (GD). We knew our son was ill and his wish was to have a family Christmas with us all, so I saw GD on her first ever Christmas which was wonderful but also horrible as we knew it would be my sons last Christmas.

In the year following my sons death I saw GD around twice a month, although sometimes it was more often as if her mother had a meeting at work or wanted to go out with friends I'd offer to babysit and have GD overnight.

For Christmas 2016, Daughter-in-Law (DIL) decided to take my GD (then 18 months) away on holiday for Christmas and returned just before the 1st Anniversary of my sons death, we spent time together on the Anniversary. I respected this, understood it was hard being the first Christmas with out her husband.

Unfortunately since then my husband has been made redundant and been laid down with ill health himself and my daughter moved away to go to University so we've lost 2 incomes in the house, so I had to take on an extra job to make my hours up to full time. This has meant I've had to cut back on seeing GD to once every other month as on the other month I was travelling to see and spend time with my daughter. It broke my heart to spend less time with my GD, she's a lovely girl and reminds me a lot of my son. I love seeing her and want to be a part of her life if I can. She does definitely know who I am still though as when she sees me on those months she runs to me shouting "granny granny".

I also know that in April this year DIL met someone new. I've not met him myself but my husband is good friends with DILs mum and she says he's really nice and adores my GD. I'm pleased for DIL, I know my son would want her to be happy and I hope he's a good role model for my GD.

I text my DIL yesterday to enquire about seeing GD over Christmas. I never expected Christmas Day as I'm sure DIL wants to spend that with her family, but was hoping I could see her before actual Christmas Day. But I'm heartbroken.

DIL has offered to pop over with GD on the 29th December which is the 2nd Anniversary of my sons death, but says that she can't see her having time to pop over with GD before then. I will finish work from my 2nd job (retail) at 7pm Christmas Eve and will be back in 6am Boxing Day, but I am off 22nd and 23rd December from both jobs so was going to offer to have GD then. DIL says they're travelling to see her new boyfriends family when she finishes work on 21st December and will be back late 23rd December. They are then going to DILs Grandparents on 24th until 26th December. DILs grandparents live in the next street to me (that's how her and my son met, as she was spending a weekend at "home" with her grandparents and he bumped into her), but apparently DIL won't have even half an hour to pop in to see me and my family anytime in those 2 days.

I am absolutely heartbroken, and I want to tell DIL that it's not fair. I've already lost my son, I don't want to lose my GD too.

WWYD in this situation? Do I just have to accept that I will be seeing a lot less of GD now and not get Christmas with her?

Blondephantom - you reply to me is irrelevant as you've not got my point. I think the DIL needs to be more thoughtful. Her dd needs as much of her daddy's family in her life as possible. She won't feel the full loss yet being so tiny but it will come. I'm posting on what I've read and this is what I think.

I’m sorry your having all this trouble, since my dh died I spend alternating Christmas between my parents and mil, I think this is only fair (my mil lives in a different country) we talk every week and she either visits us and / or my ds goes over to see them

Elephantsandtigers, I do get your point. It would be lovely if the DIL was more thoughtful. I’d hope I would be in the same situation. The DIL really should consider her child’s need to know her Dad’s family. That doesn’t change the fact that she is a person. A person who may not make the right choices all the time. She is the only one who can make decisions for that little girl at the moment.

I agree she should be thinking about other people who loved her husband. She should be thinking about what is best for her daughter both now and when she is older. It doesn’t mean she will decide to.

The OP is in such a difficult position. Through no fault of her own. It is particularly hard because there is very little she can do. It must be beyond hurtful and frustrating but unfortunately, it is also so easy to make things worse.

ItsOnlyGranny so you are seeing your DD at her university six times a year (you doing the travelling), and she stays reading weeks and holidays with you?

That's right ArcheryAnnie

I think you are overly concerned about seeing your gd at Christmas. I can understand that as we all build Christmas into such a big thing. But you are seeing her on the 29th so could you not really look forward to that . Have little presents for her and enjoy that time.
Also encouraging yoyr dd to get involved with gd would be good as as she grows she will love coming over to ddo things with her auntie. I dont think its good enough for your dd to say she is not interested.
Its difficult when someone has all the control over when you see gd but remember she wont be a toddler forever so hopefully you will see her more as she grows. Just leave it and go along with her moms plans.

You see your gd 6x a year yet you live 20 mins away. Read that back to yourself really that’s all you can spare? I don’t believe that for a minute. What about hubby I know you say he is ill but does he not want to see his gd more. Could he not look after her once a week and you could have dinner with dil that evening potentially allowing for bonds to continue. I actually think you are putting hurdles up for yourself here. Sorry.

Your dd doesn’t want a relationship with her niece and you are ok with that because she doesn’t “do” little kids. I honestly don’t even know where to start with that. 6yrs age difference or not she should be making an effort it’s just crap.

You are getting the 29th I agree you are putting to much significance on the 25th. I think you need to focus on the bigger picture or you will find next year you don’t see them at all.

junebirthdaygirl I've honestly tried with my daughter but she's just not bothered at all, I've tried saying that GD might like to spend time with her but I just don't think she can enjoy herself with her. I don't want to force the issue and then not get to see my daughter either.

My husband wasn't my sons father (hence the age difference between children) so doesn't class GD as his grandchild.

Firstly I am so so sorry for the loss of your son I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I am reading this and thinking maybe you're DIL is struggling to come to terms with the loss AND her new partner (not in a bad way) in a way of not wanting to make him feel awkward (even though I'm sure he doesn't feel that way) and she's just overthinking it all so her saying just on that date means it's not "too much" in front of new partner, she may be feeling like if she's too close to yourselves the partner may not like it as she's in a relationship with him and around his family now (again he probably won't think like that but a women's mind works overtime lol). I don't think she'd mean anything awful towards yourselves or anyone for that matter she's probably just thinking she has to consider everyone else's feelings before she thinks of her or yourselves. I'd perhaps offer to pop over to her grandparents well she's there or say if she's passing the street and wants to call for a brew or would like a cpl of hours to relax you'd be more than happy to help with your GD. Make sure she knows you're not pushing and you're happy she's settling but you're there for her and your GD whenever.

I just want to finish by saying how strong you are, not only dealing with the loss on your son, but your husband being poorly, you're daughter leaving for uni and struggling slightly, having to work all these extra tiring hours (probably exhausting yourself in the process) and unfortunately seeing less of your granddaughter, even a slight of that and I'd have lost it completely. Please know that with that strength you have you will get through these awful times and you will get settled and sorted I am sure of it. Take care and I wish you lots of blessing and love on the run up to your sons anniversary ❤️

Hold on he has been his step father since he was six and does not class her as his grandchild - maybe that is also an issue.

I think its a mixture of your DIL needing to move on and you struggling to and she feeling that you dont make as much effort as she would like so why should she rearrange. And some anger than her daughters aunt and granddad cant be bothered.

You are working yourself into the bone trying to please your husband and daughter what do they do for you

Younger than 6 Quartz2208, we got together when son was 3. But son never called him dad or anything, it was always a stepfather/stepchild relationship. My ex husband had nothing to do with us once he left so it was sad for son not to have a father figure in his life.

Dont you think that might be a cause of it though that your DIL does not feel she is welcome with her GD at yours - as you always visit there

OP I am very sorry about you losing your son.

However, I have to agree with some PPs. To live 20 minutes away and only see your GD once every other month, and then to complain that you won't see her before Christmas but a few days after, seems a bit off. It doesn't sound like you prioritise your GD at all. How far in advance do you get your shifts? Could you not call your DIL each week to see what times would fit in then? You say you are self employed with cleaning - could you not arrange to have an hour free on one day a week to meet your DIL at home after the nursery pick up and help with bed time?

Your DIL probably sees you not making her DD a priority, and so doesn't have much incentive to change plans she has already made so that you can see your GD at Christmas at times that are convenient for you but not for her.

You say you would think that she could spare at least a bit of time to see you when she is at her GPs, but she probably thinks the same of you.

i would focus on being friends with your DIL so you can see your GD for the next 18 years, rather than focussing too much on a particular day this Christmas. Particularly given you yourself are not very available either due to work.

She is trying to forge a relationship and a parent for your GD - I dont think she will appreciate you risking that at this sensitive time in their relationship.

Take the 29th and see less of your daughter in the coming year - she is at university not on death row. I have a very close relationship with my parents and didnt see them during term time when I was at uni.

I think if you are travelling on a 10-hour round trip 6 times a year to see your DD, despite her spending reading week and all the holidays with you, ItsOnlyGranny, and yet you can also only manage 6 times a year to see your GD twenty minutes away, you've already made your decision as to what your priorities are. Only you can change that.

I think in your position I would choose to see my DD less - if you have her stay every holiday and reading week, she is not going to be abandoned if you use some of those round-trip days to offer your GD instead.

So from DILs point of view:

• her MIL can only spare 6 times a year to see her,
• her SFIL doesn't think of her DD as his grandchild,
• and her SIL isn't interested in her DD at all.

And yet DIL is supposed to put in more effort.

I’m sorry I seem to be picking the bones out of this but my father (not biogical) was in my life since I was three and he made sure I knew I had a father figure in him and made no difference between me and my younger siblings which were his children. Your problems are much deeper set than your dil and far closer to home. Your gd is now your only tie to your son either pull your finger out or don’t but if you don’t trust me it was not your Dil that was the problem.

My eldest son was 16 when my husband and I met. My granddaughter, DS's DD, has 3 granddads. She calls my husband Bampy (Bampy's Welsh for granddad).

I think you do need to try to see her more. Your daughter is an adult now, and as a PP said, you have your bond with her. Now you need to build a stronger bond with your granddaughter.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. [flowers[

Stop travelling up to see you DD at uni. The travel must be costing you money you can't afford and it seems very odd for so many visits considering she regularly come home. She needs to learn some independence. Parents normally visit once or twice in the first year but not after that!

What Laiste said. 6 times a year is ludicrously little - you can see I'm sure how your DIL probably feels like her DD is at the bottom of your list of priorities. It's therefore a bit much to expect your DIL to bend over backwards to accommodate seeing you on the date you want, she's already seeing you on the 29th, be content with that and maybe make more effort next year to see your DGD.

Sorry I think yabu . You see them 6 times a year. I can understand why your DIL would think she wasn't going to waste previous family time working around you.
Could you not pop down after work an evening a week? Help DIL with bedtime?
If DIL says no to seeing you when she is at GP you will have to suck it up.
I'm so sorry that your son died and I can't imagine the pain but if he was still alive and living 20 minutes down the road would you only see him half a dozen times a year?

Your gd is a young child. If you truly want a strong and solid relationship with her, it’s for you to prioritise time with her.

It sounds to me that you put your gd at the bottom of the pile probably because she is the one, who shouts least loudly. In making the effort to see your gd, you will also be honouring yourself and your needs, which is far preferable to constantly putting your dd and dh first.

Your dd is a grown woman. It’s time for her to spread her wings and lean on herself. If she truly is struggling, there is a lot of support and counselling on campus. By going to see her so regularly, you are preventing her from moving onto the next stage in her life.

I understand your dd is hurting. I lost my father when I was 16 so I know a lot about loss in the teenage years. You sound like the polar opposite of my mother. She never once comforted me and even denigrated his memory of him to me and yes, they were still married. I think if we could mix the two of you together, there’d be a meeting in the middle and a good balance of parental support.

Stop spreading yourself so thinly and honour your relationship with your gd. If you don’t, the visits will become less frequent and she will care less and less about you. As someone said upthread, you aren’t securely bonded with her yet.

Others have expressed my thoughts very well
You see GD 6 times a year
Your husband doesn’t consider her his GD
Your DD doesn’t have any interest in her DN

You sound quite alone in your grief

Your DD needs to develop her independence, you need to let her do this.

Your DIL is responding to you by mirroring her perceived your level of interest and commitment.

Could you take your GD to nursery in the morning once every few weeks? That would introduce you to the staff.

You’re going to have to start putting your GD further up the list of priorities if you want your DIL to believe you are genuinely interested and can give her child as much love and attention as she deserves from her father’s family.

Your daughter seems to be like her dad & consider your GD no relation of hers.

Regularly travelling so far to your daughter seems ridiculous to me.

With having to increase working hours, that should have been the first thing to reduce or stop imo.

You can keep in contact & support her without being physically there.

I think that your DIL must feel that her daughter's dad's side aren't very interested at all.

How can your husband be so cold towards a little girl who has lost her father?