DIL, Christmas and GD, WWYD? (Sorry it's about the C word)

[ItsonlyGranny]

Background: In December 2015, my son died aged 24. At the time he was married and had a 6 month old daughter, my granddaughter (GD). We knew our son was ill and his wish was to have a family Christmas with us all, so I saw GD on her first ever Christmas which was wonderful but also horrible as we knew it would be my sons last Christmas.

In the year following my sons death I saw GD around twice a month, although sometimes it was more often as if her mother had a meeting at work or wanted to go out with friends I'd offer to babysit and have GD overnight.

For Christmas 2016, Daughter-in-Law (DIL) decided to take my GD (then 18 months) away on holiday for Christmas and returned just before the 1st Anniversary of my sons death, we spent time together on the Anniversary. I respected this, understood it was hard being the first Christmas with out her husband.

Unfortunately since then my husband has been made redundant and been laid down with ill health himself and my daughter moved away to go to University so we've lost 2 incomes in the house, so I had to take on an extra job to make my hours up to full time. This has meant I've had to cut back on seeing GD to once every other month as on the other month I was travelling to see and spend time with my daughter. It broke my heart to spend less time with my GD, she's a lovely girl and reminds me a lot of my son. I love seeing her and want to be a part of her life if I can. She does definitely know who I am still though as when she sees me on those months she runs to me shouting "granny granny".

I also know that in April this year DIL met someone new. I've not met him myself but my husband is good friends with DILs mum and she says he's really nice and adores my GD. I'm pleased for DIL, I know my son would want her to be happy and I hope he's a good role model for my GD.

I text my DIL yesterday to enquire about seeing GD over Christmas. I never expected Christmas Day as I'm sure DIL wants to spend that with her family, but was hoping I could see her before actual Christmas Day. But I'm heartbroken.

DIL has offered to pop over with GD on the 29th December which is the 2nd Anniversary of my sons death, but says that she can't see her having time to pop over with GD before then. I will finish work from my 2nd job (retail) at 7pm Christmas Eve and will be back in 6am Boxing Day, but I am off 22nd and 23rd December from both jobs so was going to offer to have GD then. DIL says they're travelling to see her new boyfriends family when she finishes work on 21st December and will be back late 23rd December. They are then going to DILs Grandparents on 24th until 26th December. DILs grandparents live in the next street to me (that's how her and my son met, as she was spending a weekend at "home" with her grandparents and he bumped into her), but apparently DIL won't have even half an hour to pop in to see me and my family anytime in those 2 days.

I am absolutely heartbroken, and I want to tell DIL that it's not fair. I've already lost my son, I don't want to lose my GD too.

WWYD in this situation? Do I just have to accept that I will be seeing a lot less of GD now and not get Christmas with her?

I agree with pp it’s an emotional time and she hasn’t completely written you off she did suggest a date. As for visiting tor dd at university is that really so necessary? Majoriry of the time my dm came to take me back home I was too busy to be having my parents coming down to see me and I did nursing but regular students have loads of term time holidays especially in the summer. I also think once every other month is very little you could make more time if you really want to her.

I live in a large town, DIL and GD live in a smaller town about 20 minutes away but DIL works in the city about 30 mins from her (50 mins from me) if that makes sense? GD attends a Nursery between the town she lives in and the city.

I am on Facebook and always comment and like photos of GD. I text and send Facebook messages between times and I also try and do Skype with GD once a week but time constraints on both DIL and I mean that's not always possible. I take an interest in DIL I hope, and have always made it clear that I'm happy for her to drop GD with me if I'm free so she can go to meetings, or on a date or whatever.

It is a difficult situation OP and I don't think that either you or your DIL are in the wrong as such, you are both just trying to manage the best you can

I can't see how telling your DIL "it's not fair" is likely to help even if that is how you feel

It would be perfectly reasonable to send her a further text saying you would love to see GD & DIL sooner than the 29th so you can give them their presents so what about them calling in on the 26th or you dropping round to see them

If she's no I think you will just have to accept it though and hopefully find a way to see more of your GD in the New Year

It is quite possible that DIL is feeling hurt that you have cut contact from twice a month to every month - that is quite a significant change

This is so sad. I’m wondering if you remind her of that very sad Christmas and she is perhaps unconsciously trying to avoid the association?

I would be inclined to email or call and be honest that you will be heartbroken if you cannot see both her( important) and GD when they are so nearby. Emphasise how difficult it’s been juggling all your responsibilities and even apologise is she’s upset by your reduced contact. Suggest half an hour at her convenience. If she really won’t do that then that’s very sad.

In the meantime I suggest other ways of maintaining regular contact such a Skype, cards and small gifts for them both. And also ask what you can do to support her and let her know that you are happy that she’s met someone nice. Her situation is complicated, maybe she feels slightly embarrassed as if she’s cheating on you by doing another man. Who knows? Keeping communication open is the key.

Good luck and best wishes with all you are coping with.

Sorry, I’ve massively cross posted.

This must be a very difficult time of year for you. And also for her.

You’re having to juggle different work patterns and naturally want to see GD. She’s juggling a family, new relationship, parents, in laws, former inlaws. She probably feels she is honouring her husbands family in the best way she can. But it’s also probably very raw for her and a hell-hole of difficult emotions.

Try to cut her some slack. I agree that on the face of it, it wouldn’t hurt her to spare an hour while she’s at her grandparents. But maybe there’s other factors that you’re unaware of?

And at the heart of it all, she’s doubtless wanting to give her DD the best possible Christmas. Which means not too much travel, not taking her out and about too much, giving her a bit of down time when all kids can become hyper. Constant plans, arrangements, visits and disruption might be difficult for the little one.

But I do understand your viewpoint too. It must be so difficult to live with the sadness of losing your son.

I think next year you need to put the request in earlier before plans are made. I also like the idea of suggesting you pop over given that she will be so near.

OP - hope you don't mind me adding that the situation you describe - with dates, age of your DS & GD and description of where your DIL and her grandparents live is potentially very identifying to anyone that knows you and/or DIL

Don't want to alarm you but would hate for your post to make relations with your DIL worse because you sound like a lovely person

You live 20 mins away and only get to see your gd once a month. That’s really not very much considering how close you live to one another. You also don’t say much about how you feel about your dil.

You changed the arrangement to not seeing your gd when your dd is around for 2days once a month. Yet you expect your dil to see you when she’s at her parents for 2days over Christmas. Can you not see the irony?

I’m sorry that your dh is ill and terribly sorry that your ds passed away. I’m just wondering if your grief is not making you think straight. Personally I would be both seeing my gd and my dd on the days she comes home. I don’t understand why you can’t do both. It’s only 20 mins down the road afterall.

As for the two days over Christmas. I think you need to do some grovelling about not seeing your gd regularly mThen maybe your dil will realise she and your gd are important.

mummyoflittledragon that's a bit harsh, from what the OP says she's in retail which will be shifts and her DIL works in an office so probably a mon-fri 9-5 type set up so most likely not easyto arrange visits etc.

I've not seen my FIL for 6 months because his work schedule has changed to 12 hour days Sat/Sun and my DH and I work office hours Monday to Friday. Even if we visit midweek he's normally in bed because his body clock is screwed with his shift patterns. It doesn't mean none of us care about each other. Just sometimes in life you have to do what you have to.

I'm so sorry you lost your son. It must be so hard to bear

It's hard to understand how you only see your GD once in 2 months and you say she lives 20 minutes away. You made this change due to a change in your circumstances. I would try and suck up the Christmas arrangements and just be accepting. I would consider how you can make yourself more available to see your GD more regularly as this reduction is bound to have had a significant impact on relationships. To be honest, if I was you and only 20mins away, I would have been offering regular babysitting.

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is really difficult, and tbh I can see it from both sides. Please don't think I am meaning to be harsh with what I am about to say.

I think that sometimes when a person loses a partner there comes a point where they move on with their own life. It doesn't mean that they have forgotten their partner, but for a life partner that loss is different to that of a parent or a sibling, and the chances are that, especially given the baby was so young when her father died, it is possible that DIL is moving on with her own life, having got together with someone else and now forming a new relationship which may or may not develop into something more serious with potentially even more children in the mix, and for her the connection to her late dh's family may well fade as time goes on. It's incredibly sad for everyone concerned, because nobody is actually in the wrong.

I've sadly seen all too many times when a partner dies the surviving partner finds it more and more impossible to maintain the relationship between the children and the late partner's family, purely because they themselves need to move forward with their own life, and this in itself can make things difficult for them.

I would just keep the channels of communication with your DIL open, and hope that in time you can both find a balance which works for you. But please do be aware that it's possible that she will move on into new relationships and that communication may then become less as a result.

Hi OP, I'm so very sorry, that you've lost your darling Son, my heart breaks for you.
You've only done, what you had to do.
Your daughter-in-law is young, and living her life, which is good, but hard for you.
I suggest that you do phone her, have a chat, tell her how things have been, on your side, tell her that you welcome all three of them into your home, and that you miss her and the baby.
Tell her the door is always open, for half an hour, or a day, it matters not, they will always be family.
I wish you love and strength.🌸

Don't send the 'it's not fair' message. I know you're hurt and understandably so, but this is about the long haul. You want to be around for your GD for the next 20 years or more, so don't say anything hasty now to her mother who, like you, is still grieving.

Travis
I’m not talking about what’s fair. I’m talking about how her dil will possibly see the situation. Whatever the reason, visits have been reduced to 12 times a year. If it isn’t possible at the weekend, then perhaps a week night.

I think it is better to give another perspective than to coo and commiserate. My post wasn’t designed to hurt op you know. Most difficult situations with friends and family are born out of misunderstanding, not malice.

I'm really sorry you've lost your son and are having a difficult time with your own personal life too.

I think your DIL is being a bit thoughtless. She's met a new man, is spending Christmas with his family and it is quite common for the original family to be forgotten in cases of a loss. People won't like it, there will be comments about how out of order I am but she is going to be 20 minutes away and could easily spare an hour. If she has moved on enough to have a new boyfriend then being in the house shouldn't be an issue.

I don't be making friends with her mother and inviting her around and offering to host her dd and GD too.

Just because the dd has lost her dh doesn't mean she gets to make all the decisions.

I'm sorry to hear about your son.
You can certainly offer to pop over to DIL's GPS house to see GD there, and make it clear that DIL is always welcome to come and see you. If DIL says no or that she's too busy then that's tough. You absolutely cannot go around dictating to DIL what's fair and what isn't, it is you who is less available now. I think the 29th is reasonable.

I want to tell DIL that it's not fair. I've already lost my son, I don't want to lose my GD too
You would be spectacularly unreasonable to say this to DIL. You are seeing GD on a different day to the one you would have preferred, you have not lost her. Do try to retain some sense of perspective.

My daughter travels down from University on the month I don't get to see her and also comes home for reading weeks and will be home for Christmas.

I do understand your need to see your daughter, too - but your daughter is a grown woman, and presumably mobile. And able to use the phone, and skype. And is already bonded with you.

The situation with your GD is not so secure. If it's you that has reduced the contact, for however good a set of reasons, then it's natural that this will have been interpreted as you not prioritising your relationship with her.

I also don't really understand why your daughter being there would mean you can't look after your GD, because presumably your daughter wants an aunt/niece relationship with her, too?

Is there any chance that you could see your GD earlier in December for a little outing? A trip to a garden centre to see the decorations and a santa grotto for example? You could take some lovely photos of you both together looking Christmassy, to have around over Christmas.

It's lovely that you can skype regularly. Could you also try sending little envelopes to your Granddaughter through the post? My MIL did this, as she lives at quite a distance: the odd pack of sweets, with a little letter; newspaper cuttings of things she knows my boys like, just with a short note; good luck cards and congratulations cards for special events; post cards of funny things. It has been a really effective way of keeping in touch and showing them she's interested in them.

It may be hard for your dil to keep in touch as often as you would like. And I'm sure that it is very hard for you, when you have to work so hard. Be creative. Build memories together. Offer to take her out or babysit whenever you can, and hopefully you will keep a relationship going. (Oh and you could make her a photoalbum of your son, if you can, to give to her as a present when she is older: baby photos, pictures of him growing up etc. I'm sure that would mean a lot to her.)

Is your DD settling into uni ok with all this time away from uni life “^my daughter travels down from University on the month I don't get to see her and also comes home for reading weeks and will be home for Christmas.^”

Invite them all over for drinks and snacks or something informal. Make friends with the grandparents if you can. Perhaps by next Christmas you and htey will be bosom buddies and it will be unthinkable for DIL to visit without including all the gps.

You are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

You would be very unreasonable to push the issue with dil. You don't really know what pressure she's under to see auntie so and so and whoever else and she's offered you some time very close to Christmas.

DIL says they're travelling to see her new boyfriends family when she finishes work on 21st December and will be back late 23rd December. They are then going to DILs Grandparents on 24th until 26th December.

From her perspective if she works as well this sounds bloody exhausting.

Elephantsandtigers, yes she could spare an hour but she could also choose never to see her again. Who else do you think gets to make the decisions? The OP can hardly demand to see her granddaughter. I’m not saying the OP is wrong to want to see her while they are visiting nearby - of course she isn’t. However there is no way of making the DIL.

I don’t get to see my nephew very often as he lives far away. His mum might say he is busy during the holidays. I can’t decide I’m seeing him anyway! It is his mum and dad who get to decide for him.

Sorry for the delay I had to go to one of my jobs.

My 2nd job is in retail and I have no set shifts sometimes I work all evenings including weekends some weeks I do all mornings and get the weekend. My 1st job is a cleaning job which is Mon, Tue and Friday but I can do this around my 2nd job as I'm self employed.

My daughter isn't bothered about a relationship with her niece, if she sees GD she's happy to see her and talks to her etc but isn't bothered about forming a proper aunt/niece relationship, my daughter was only young when GD was born as there's a 6 year age gap between my children. My daughters never been one to like small children, even growing up she preferred the older children to the ones her own age.

Should of made it clearer, visits to my GD are only every other month, so 6 times a year not 12 because on the month I'm not seeing GD I see my daughter. Daughter is 5 hours away at University, and she hasn't settled great. She loves the actual course but as she started in April not September she's struggled with friendships so likes a bit of company occasionally. I have offered to pick GD up from Nursery when I finish early enough to pick her up but I need to be introduced to the managers before I can have permission to pick GD up and we never seem to be able to arrange it. I feel horrendously guilty about not seeing GD more, and can see that to DIL I've unnecessarily cut down. I know it's only 20 minutes away but DIL works Mon-Thur so I'm not always available at weekends due to the retail job. I can't risk asking my boss for a set day off because I'm on a low hours contract (contract is 5 hours a week, I tend to 20-25 hours) and he could put me down to contract hours which I can't afford, I'd honestly do it if I thought it was worth the risk as I'd love to have GD more.

I do like DIL, a lot. She had a very similar upbringing to my Son and Daughter, and is lovely to be around. Her and my son had lots in common they both loved music and went to many concerts together. Whenever they were together they were always laughing and I know my son was very happy with her.

I love the idea of making GD a book of photos of my son. I also have photos of the two of them together that I'm not sure DIL has copies of so I'll include those.

I am honestly pleased DIL is moving on, and understand the pain of losing a partner is different to losing a child. I would love to meet her new partner if DIL is ready for that.

My husbands health is improving but he may never be able to work again so these are my circumstances for the foreseeable. My daughter used to work parttime while in college and contribute to our income so we did lose a lot when she went to University, not that it's my daughters fault as she has to get older and move on.