To blame the Mum?

[CrazyLoopyLou]

Dsd is 11 and started secondary school in September this year. She came from a tiny primary school with about 100 children in the whole school from pre-school to year 6. Me and dh always said it was going to be really hard and a massive shock when she started secondary, which it has been. In her school now they get something called c1s & c2s etc.. which is when they misbehave or just do anything wrong. We’ve had emails saying that she has had a few lunchtime detentions because of these adding up and it turns out she had had 16 c’s since she started which is apparently too many in that time and we both agree. When dh phoned the school to ask what they were for, he was told most of them were for lack of stationary, wrong text books & no homework. The odd few were for chatting in class. She’s with her Mum mon-thurs and with us from Friday after school for the weekend. First thing when she’s here on Friday after school is getting any homework done. IMO & dh’s it should be her Mum who’s making sure her homework’s done and in her bag ready to take to school, as well as her Mum making sure she’s got all the right workbooks for the lessons she has that day. Especially as she’s only been at the school for 2 months and is only 11. When dh has spoken to his ex about this before she just says ‘oh all she does is sit on her phone after school, I tell her to do homework but she doesn’t listen’
This made us so angry. I love dsd like my own and if she was with us all the time I would be making sure she’s got all the right stuff picked out for the next day to make sure this doesn’t keep happening. I feel a little bit sorry for her. Is it totally unreasonable to blame her Mum? Apart from the talking in class obviously! Would just like other people opinions on it.

Now dsd is at secondary she has to learn that homework needs to be in on time, they can get a lot of homework which quite a few of them will leave to the last minute or even receive on a Friday and has to be in on a Monday. The latter you can't do anything about, if it's a case of leaving it to the last minute on a regular basis then I'd suggest you ensure dsd knows if there are family commitments going on when you have her, ie a day trip/family celebration she will need to ensure she can complete homework on time. As she gets into Years 10 and 11, homework and revision will increase and especially in the last year you might find them working hard late in the evening even if they've tried to keep on top of things before.

Again, now in secondary it's up to dsd to make sure she takes the correct text books and homework to school. It makes no difference as to whether she was at a smaller school before. It's a hard lesson, but they will get there.

As regards stationary, yes, she may need more help with that in that someone will have to buy her what she needs and she needs to alert either of her DPs to the fact she needs items. After that it's up to her to ensure the items go into school.

The first term won't be easy for her, but things should settle down so try to support her with the issues raised giving her time to do homework while with you, ensure she has everything she needs for school etc.

I think it very much depends from child to child whether they are capable of organising what they need to have with them. Some children are naturally good at it, some need prompting, especially when they are getting used to a new school and a different setting entirely to the one teacher/one or two classrooms at primary.

If they are forgetting stuff because they are finding it really difficult to organise themselves (DD did as she had ADD) I don’t think it’s unreasonable that a parent steps in and help them to find ways of getting their stuff together. So imo yes I think either DSDs mum or dad need to support her more in this. Not do everything for her but help her find a way to organise herself. So I think YANBU

Helping them out too much doesn’t help in the long run. At secondary school, the consequences of detention should be to spur her to organise herself.

Her mum could give her helping hand and it does sound like a step up but your stepdaughter has to WANT to do it, and it doesn't sound like she does.

Lots of children at this stage are actually over-anxipus about having their homework done and making sure they have the right books. Fair enough if she'd made an effort and was getting a bit mixed up - but it doesn't sound like she is trying at all, in fact she doesn't give a damn. You can't blame her mum for this - you need to speak to her.

So glad phones weren't around when I was at school - they're a nightmare for concentration levels

I also read it that the DH was going to FaceTime the ex as OP said ‘when DD is in bed’.

Which, if it’s correct, is an arsehole thing to do so don’t think swizzles is wrong.

Yabu! You can’t wipe their bums forever. Maybe after a few detentions she’ll start remembering her things.

So Mum dies the weekday slog and you get Friday to Sunday?

My nob of an X occasionally lays down the law even tho he sees his DC for a tiny portion of the week, never does the morning rush, after school clubs, parties, meals at friends' houses, dress-up days, GP, dentist appointments etc............ perhaps your H could talk through some life skills with his DD. Offer practical advice - still much easier to blame her Mum, eh?

I've been an LP for donkeys years and always encouraged self-reliance. DC1 is fantastically well-organised (Y8) DC2 (Y6) is still hopeless. They've had the same upbringing. Some kids develop the organisational skills earlier.

By Y7 your DSD needs to take responsibility for this and for behaving herself in lessons (or is that her Mum's fault too? )