To blame the Mum?

[CrazyLoopyLou]

Dsd is 11 and started secondary school in September this year. She came from a tiny primary school with about 100 children in the whole school from pre-school to year 6. Me and dh always said it was going to be really hard and a massive shock when she started secondary, which it has been. In her school now they get something called c1s & c2s etc.. which is when they misbehave or just do anything wrong. We’ve had emails saying that she has had a few lunchtime detentions because of these adding up and it turns out she had had 16 c’s since she started which is apparently too many in that time and we both agree. When dh phoned the school to ask what they were for, he was told most of them were for lack of stationary, wrong text books & no homework. The odd few were for chatting in class. She’s with her Mum mon-thurs and with us from Friday after school for the weekend. First thing when she’s here on Friday after school is getting any homework done. IMO & dh’s it should be her Mum who’s making sure her homework’s done and in her bag ready to take to school, as well as her Mum making sure she’s got all the right workbooks for the lessons she has that day. Especially as she’s only been at the school for 2 months and is only 11. When dh has spoken to his ex about this before she just says ‘oh all she does is sit on her phone after school, I tell her to do homework but she doesn’t listen’
This made us so angry. I love dsd like my own and if she was with us all the time I would be making sure she’s got all the right stuff picked out for the next day to make sure this doesn’t keep happening. I feel a little bit sorry for her. Is it totally unreasonable to blame her Mum? Apart from the talking in class obviously! Would just like other people opinions on it.

Mine are infant school and I'm trying to train them over time, so on DS1's sports club day, I'll remind him that it's that day, and checking what he needs but he's the one actually putting in his bag. I'm also trying to train them so they know where the things they need are.

In a class at secondary, it's surprisingly disruptive when several people don't have equipment. Years ago, I had a y8 class where one day 20 out of the 26 students had nothing to write with. I didn't have 20 spare pens for them to break and chuck out of the windows. (It was a delightful school with an out of this world management team ) School certainly didn't provide them! I shudder to think of how many £££s I've spent over the years supplying students with basic equipment
Non uniform day when the pens have all been left at home in blazers are also a delight. By secondary, parents should provide the equipment and the majority of students able to organise themselves to bring what they need (I didn't begrudge buying a nice pen to be permanently clipped on to a particular boy's book because I knew that the chances of him ever having a pen by Friday p5 was not compatible with the effect of his learning difficulties on his organization skills)

Hopefully with a bit of prompting your DSD can get the independent routines she needs.

I had to give both of mine gentle reminders and often nagging to get books ready, hw done etc etc. As time went on they got in the routine of it.
You sd could probably do with a nagging Mum. Lucky those that didn’t have to nag their kids.
There was a thread on here about kids in uni and the parents involved in the ins and outs of lectures and assignments so some parents do it and continue doing it into adulthood.
It’s frustrating for you because you can’t help. It’s lovely you care.

I used to get her stuff ready but it’s just not possible now her school is so far away.

So you did it for her and didn't teach her to do it? Not surprising she isn't doing it now! Why is only her mum's fault?

My DS is 6. It's his responsability to remember that Mondays he needs his PE kit. That was made clear to him by the school and by us.

I understand where you are coming from but you don't know what really happens at mum's. My daughter started high school in September and the attitude she has brought home has at times been awful. She gets herself worked up about stuff and sometimes it is a real struggle to get her to do homework. She was a little angel at primary school. I have tried really hard not to get into arguments
but I think she just has to feel the consequences from school tbh. At parents evening several parents mentioned they were in the same boat and the head of year said they are all finding their feet but they will get their shit together in the next few months. So for all you know mum is trying and daughter is being a little witch and not doing it and then telling you a sob story. It's early days, I would try not to worry and see how things are after christmas, that is what our daughter's head of year said.

Dsd2 is in year 5 and we are already encouraging taking more responsibility for things. She isn't as naturally organised as Dsd1 and needs more prompting. She completely forgot about homework over half term until I happened to ask her if she'd got on ok with it. Regularly forgets her coat etc. So we think if we start getting her gradually used to it she might be ok by secondary. Dsds live with us so it's a bit different as we are the ones who take them to and from school/childcare etc.

11 year olds are generally able to get on with homework and know not to talk in class . You need to work together as involved adults/ parents to encourage the desired behaviour not enter this with a confrontational blame game.

DS is in the same boat - same age and moed from samll school to big secondary (am baffled by someone up thread who think that 100 is not a small primary school - ours was 200 and I consider that to be small compared to others around here at 400+)

Our kids were told they were responsible for their own homeowrk, bags etc but at the first parents meeting the head of year said that most children find the transition very difficult and asked parents to be supportive and helpful in getting their child used to packing a bag every day for the next days lessons, checking homework has been done etc.

So that's what I do - it's not micro managing just a prompt of "what homework do you have?" DO you need PE kit tomorrow?" etc.

Facetiming sDD daily to discuss this is a good idea - just as it would be a good idea for her mum to have already been doing this.

YABU it is now her responsibility she’s in secondary school

I don't understand why it's mum's fault and not dad's? They should both check things like homework, that she has the things she needs etc.

I am a SM. When there is an issue if DH has gone "oh DSS mum should have sorted this" I immediately remind him he is responsible as a father too.

I can understand things like making sure homework and stationary etc are packed but I would expect both parents to see if kids have run out or if homework is done.

YABU. Yes secondary school is new to her, but surely the point of the lunchtime detentions is for her to learn to be more organised.

I wouldn't do more than tell my dc that age to do their homework. If they choose to sit on their phone and not do it then they can suffer the consequences.

Also 100 pupils is not a small school. Less than 50 is small.

Children vary a lot in how organized and capable they are at age 11. One of mine was on it from the age of about 8 and is always ready, bag packed and would never get a bad point for not having equipment. The other struggled enormously on starting secondary and was having difficulty prioritizing homework, being organized, and in the end I stepped in and helped her with prompts/checking each evening. She's now 13 and absolutely independent.

Sometimes children do need a bit of support to become independent and gathering up detentions obviously isn't solving the problem, so your solution of FaceTime etc may work but also the dd may kick back, so be prepared for that.

Yabu. I don't and didn't do this for mine at 11. They can look at their timetables and plan their equipment, books and homework accordingly.

My Dd saves up all her angst for me. I couldn't be more caring, helpful, organised. I get my head bitten off constantly and it can be very hurtful. She's older than 11 but I'm sure that's when the hormones trickled in. My Ex and his wife do not get any of this behavior. In fact quite the opposite. Sometimes Dd's just save it all up for the mums, don't be too harsh on mum, she might be pulling her hair out!

less than 50 is minute.

400 is the norm around here ergo 200 is small

My dd is in Y4 and its totally her responsibility to make sure her homework is in her book bag, etc. I might check that she's got it but I def don't put it there.

What about making a check list with her which shows each of the days of the week and what she needs to have with her on each day. She could put it on her bedroom door and check it before she leaves.

And isn't the idea with shared residency that each parent is responsible when they have the child. WOuld ou expect the father to intervene in other matters whilst child is at other parents?

I have 100% residency so not familiar with how it works but surely you can't deal with 2 separated parents interfereing on the others time?

Maybe the Mum doesn't want her relationship with her DD to be just doing school stuff and nagging about homework. Your contact arrangements seem very unfairly balanced.

My ds has just started Y7. I am not into micro- managing but I agree 100% that there should be an enforced phone free time to do HW, pack bags etc And get to bed in good time.

Both my kids are responsible for their own homework and stationery/books and have been since they were 7/8

IMO the start of year 7 is often filled with demerits and detentions whilst the kids learn the rules and settle in. The detentions will teach your dsd that SHE needs to do her homework and SHE needs to make sure she has the right books and stationery. DS friend kept getting demerits for his shirt hanging out and wearing white socks, he soon learnt to tuck his shirt in and got his mum to buy black socks.

My DS is constantly getting detentions for lack of homework. He does manage to take his stuff to school but rarely does his homework. I ask, he denies having any, then he carries on with his life. I am not spending my life arguing with him, when he is old enough to know the consequences. The days I get parentmail telling me he has detention, he gets a tech ban for that day. His choice.

Oh, and he is 11, but in year 6!

Our DD 13 is Autistic and would not be able to organise herself every day. So we have a kind of solution. She takes all her books with her everyday! She doesn't seem to mind lugging her bag around so it works. The doing the homework bit is a bit harder. Usually homework is given out weekly so if she had all her books with her you could check/get her to do all the homework due for the next week when she is with you. School have been working with us as DD has refused to do any in the past. She is now volunteering to do her homework the min. she gets home.

From day one if secondary school my DC were responsible for their own homework, stationery, pe kits etc. I offered support during homework but never checked if it was handed in on time etc.

Maybe your DH should have a conversation with the ex?
DSD attending a big high school shouldn't really impact on DSD bringing in the right items for school. However I do believe attending high school is a big cultural shock.

Mine normally have a good few days to a week for homework. So they wouldn't normally get homework on a mon-thurs due in the same week. In theory they could do all the hw over a w/e rather than spreading it out.

Be angry at your daughter about this: Mum: ‘oh all she does is sit on her phone after school, I tell her to do homework but she doesn’t listen
Be very concerned and angry at your daughter about this: she had had 16 c’s since she started... most of them were for lack of stationary, wrong text books & no homework. The odd few were for chatting in class

She's 11, not 5. She knows she has homework, she ignores her Mum and plays on her phone (take it away), and she doesn't get her act together and put her stuff in her bag, all of which she should be doing by now.