To blame the Mum?

[CrazyLoopyLou]

Dsd is 11 and started secondary school in September this year. She came from a tiny primary school with about 100 children in the whole school from pre-school to year 6. Me and dh always said it was going to be really hard and a massive shock when she started secondary, which it has been. In her school now they get something called c1s & c2s etc.. which is when they misbehave or just do anything wrong. We’ve had emails saying that she has had a few lunchtime detentions because of these adding up and it turns out she had had 16 c’s since she started which is apparently too many in that time and we both agree. When dh phoned the school to ask what they were for, he was told most of them were for lack of stationary, wrong text books & no homework. The odd few were for chatting in class. She’s with her Mum mon-thurs and with us from Friday after school for the weekend. First thing when she’s here on Friday after school is getting any homework done. IMO & dh’s it should be her Mum who’s making sure her homework’s done and in her bag ready to take to school, as well as her Mum making sure she’s got all the right workbooks for the lessons she has that day. Especially as she’s only been at the school for 2 months and is only 11. When dh has spoken to his ex about this before she just says ‘oh all she does is sit on her phone after school, I tell her to do homework but she doesn’t listen’
This made us so angry. I love dsd like my own and if she was with us all the time I would be making sure she’s got all the right stuff picked out for the next day to make sure this doesn’t keep happening. I feel a little bit sorry for her. Is it totally unreasonable to blame her Mum? Apart from the talking in class obviously! Would just like other people opinions on it.

As dsd still has access to her phone, try sending her a nightly text to prompt her

I keep a copy of DS timetable on my phone, you could then remind her of what to pack, what homework is due etc

We also have a visual timetable at home as DS is dyspraxic and has trouble being organised, this helps him focus

But ultimately a year 7 needs to step up and organise herself not play one set of parents off the other which is an easy trap to fall into

He only had the phone call with the school today so he’s going to start FaceTiming her of an evening when our dd is in bed and ask her to show him that everything is done and ready. I don’t give her that message, would never give her any sort of message that is horrible towards her Mum. Yes chatting in class is completely down to her and she should get told off for it.

Dh does do homework with her aswell as me. Some days he’s home later than others so we get it done before she’s too tired. I honestly don’t mind doing anything for her though. I treat her as though she’s mine.

We’ve looked through her pencil case and she has 2 or 3 of everything in there and when We pull it out she says she couldn’t find it. When we ask about the evenings she says she doesn’t get time so dh tells her to stop playing on her phone but obviously if her Mum will let her then there’s not much he can do but like I said he’s going to start ringing her.

YANBU. While she should be able to manage that herself, she obviously isn't so is still needing some guidance in this area. The fact that the school is now writing to the parents about it suggests that the also believe the parents should be making sure their children are properly equipped for school (whether with stationary or prepared in having done their homework). That will fall to whatever parent your DSD is with when this happens.

I'm not suggesting she needs someone to actually sort out her pencil case or hover over her while she does her homework, but she is obviously needing pushed - even if all it takes is a simple "What homework have you got? You know where I am if you need help.". She's only 11, and only a term into secondary.

OK, well that's good. It sounds like both parents have been assuming she's been getting on with stuff herself when she hasn't. Wake up calls all round for everyone hopefully. Maybe mum was defensive when they initially discussed it but when she sees your dh is taking joint responsibility for sorting stuff she'll step up too.

@GherkinSnatch that’s what I mean. I didn’t mean to do it for her or watch her do it. Just a little reminder to get everything sorted and do homework which can eventually stop when she’s used to everything herself

I have a child who's just started secondary, though older than 11. I help structure things. Before finishing up for the evening, I tell him it's time to bring his school bag to the hall ready for his start the next morning. Everything should be in it, he has to check it all himself. I don't go through anything. He manages fine.

Anyway, it's not just having everything, she's also chatting in class and not bringing in her homework.

Hopefully your DSD will learn from these punishments (best thing for her maybe?!) and learn to take responsibility for these things herself.

Instead of blaming her mum, maybe your DH talking with his ex about expectations/rules with managing the phone would be better place.
She is probably getting distracted with that. Our kids are only allowed theirs after homework time (so well after 7 pm) and then they have to give it to us by 8 pm. It works for us. 30 minutes a night chatting or playing games is enough IMHO.

Whenever I read threads like this, I always feel that I must be a very negligent DM. I occasionally ask about homework but generally leave them to it.
At my DC's school, we can view any 'consequences' that the children get online. Can your DH do that? Then he needs to address it with his DD, not the mother. Why didn't she have the right books? Why didn't she have the correct stationery? Why was she chatting in class? Make her take responsibility.
You don't want to get into a situation where your DSD plays her parents off against each other.

Nothing is stopping her dad from helping her with these problems. Why is it just mums fault?

My DC just have all their stationary in a plastic wallet. It then lives in their blazer pocket. No danger of forgetting something.

She should have a list of everything she needs, find it, put everything in her wallet, tell her to put everything back when she's finished. It really shouldn't be a big deal.

Is the homework a case of not being able to organize herself (in which case you can suggest strategies) or not wanting to do it (in which case I'd wait for her to suffer the consequence at school).
Either way, it ultimately is up to her to do it, you can only support so much as a parent.

I think for some children starting secondary school it is a huge leap and they need support from home to manage the transition and for others they seem to manage it anyway,
I think it's always better to give the support and tail it off as the child becomes more successful at managing their own organisation because especially with school, when rules are hard and fast and there are plenty of detentions happening,it's too easy to get a poor reputation that is hard to shake.
Maybe you could look at getting whiteboards and checklists and trays for her room to help her with her organisation and planning?

It's a shame when some children are nannied so much that everything is done for them by parents and others don't get this help and are in trouble for not doing things. You have to strike a happy medium IMHO. And give support but not do everything for them. I think it is a bit of a shock from a primary school to very large comprehensive.

You will not help her by doing it for her.
She will learn much quicker if you let her make mistakes like not bringing the right equipment. Next time it will be more at the forefront of her mind.
At 11 they are old enough to learn this for themselves, but expect they won't get it right all the time.

He only had the phone call with the school today so he’s going to start FaceTiming her of an evening when our dd is in bed and ask her to show him that everything is done and ready. I

Wow what a dick head

I think rather than be intent on absconding yourselves of blame, put a plan in place to make this better that you can all support. Not very helpful to say “oh well she’s only with us on X days so nothing we can do”.

My ds just started secondary and i view it his responsibility to have him homework done and make sure he gas the right things for his classes.

My DD is 4, just started reception, and they have asked parents to allow the children to take responsibility for everything School-related. The teacher won’t buy that ‘mummy didn’t put my reading book in my bag’, she tells them they’re old enough to remember themselves and they should be reminding mummy or daddy. I support the teacher 100% and think 11 is most definitely old enough to sort your school stuff out

And OP, just make sure you don’t cast blame on the mum in front of your DSD, that’s the last thing she’d need!

I would say that at 11 it should be the child's responsibility but once it had become apparent my child kept forgetting things I'd start prompting her until she got the hang of it.

Im not sure ringing is necessarily going to help as if she is saying she cant find it and talking in class and not doing her homework it maybe she is struggling with the actual work side of it rather than the organisation side of it.

@Swizzlesticks23 literally no need for that was there? Only came on here to ask for people’s opinions on the school situation.

CherryChasingDotMuncher

Thats exactly what the dad is going to do. OP has said that dad is going to FaceTime his daughter each evening to check she has everything for school.

OP, the mother should be making sure that her daughter is organised. Some children find this harder than others, some are just lazy, either way there's no point as a parent just reminding them and then it still not being done.

I think the plan of face timing every night is good and will hopefully sort it out but the mother needs to step up. No phone until homework is done and bag is packed for example.

Actually the post said his face timing the mom when the daughter is in bed to check she has everything ready...

YANBU to think her Mum could step up a bit. 'I try but she's on her phone all night'. Only because she lets her! FGS.

I agree with you totally, she's only 11 & Senior School is a HUGE leap from the Juniors, even when the Juniors is a regular size or part of the same school - let alone from a tiny Juniors to a big Seniors.

However, you can't change her Mum, so all you can do is help SDD. Talk to her about the trouble she has been in and work out things together that will help her. Explain that you want to help her, help herself. You and DH need to be careful that you don't turn into the nags while Mum lets her do as she pleases.

I think about what the Y7 has the next day and I keep an eye on her to make sure she has the appropriate stuff ready by the door the night before (and picks it up on the way out in the morning!). She pretty much always does, but I check. Homework she's totally on top of (because she hates being in trouble) but I do ask about it & make sure she's done what needs doing. I make sure she has all the stuff she needs available to her & she knows just to ask for anything else. She's pretty good at self motivation, which is mostly good luck i think, but a little bit of not being too pandered to.

Good luck.

No, he's going to ring his DAUGHTER.

Swizzlesticks23 I read it as the dad was face timing his daughter when their daughter (OP and husbands daughter) was in bed but maybe I am wrong. I think it would be best to FaceTime the daughter, rather than the mum if that isn't the plan, but as long as things are in bag, that's the important thing.