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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let down my friend quite badly?

53 replies

Notmad · 09/11/2017 05:14

I don't know what to do and have a relatively urgent decision to make about this (in the next day or so) and it is ripping me up as it may mean letting down a friend.

I have problems with a man I know - I posted about it yesterday in relationships which helped me clarify what I already knew deep down, that it was not a good situation. It got a little worse again today when I found out that he has started to see someone new (which contributed to his pullback from me, all the while making out like it was in my head) and him making an unkind quip about me being "scarred".

Here's the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3081373-When-someone-makes-you-feel-like-youre-losing-your-mind

Thing is - me, this man, this man's brother and another good friend had planned a two day hike this weekend. It was planned some time ago, and my friend - she's going through a really tough time at present and is really looking forward to it.

But the idea of spending two days with this man - Arg! He was quite kind in a couple of conversations today but then there are always a couple of barbs.

But if I pull out, my friend will also feel she has to and will be really let down.

AIBU? WWYD?

And how the hell to manage this?

Going NC isn't an option either - too many mutual friends.

Sad
OP posts:
misshannah · 09/11/2017 07:58

Talk to your friend, explain the situation and see if the two of you can go without the two men?

Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 08:55

Sorry - I should have explained better what our relationship was/is.

We're not in a relationship but were very close friends, although a very complicated friendship in the last little while. There's never been "more" as such and I don't want that, but I do want to feel valued at less confused. I suppose being dropped for a new girl is hard to take because I thought we were friends, I didn't realise it was so conditional on his other relationships if that makes sense.

Female friend is in the same group but I don't think she's aware of the extra dynamics.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 08:56

I used to have feelings of a sort and told him some time ago, but we became friends again after a hiatus and it all felt fine and normal until a few weeks ago when everything became quite upsetting and confusing.

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 09/11/2017 09:05

Yeah, no.

It's none of your business who he dates and when, but you are behaving as if he needs to explain himself to you. If he chooses to focus on dating someone or fostering a new relationship and steps back from your friendship, he's allowed to do that. He isn't committed to text you 5 times a day.

In fact, I think it's unsustainable to text your friend that much and it's what you do in the first flushes of a romance.

I think you have feelings for him and are either both overstepping your friendship or you're just reading into things that aren't there. That's why you feel like he's yo-yoing with you. He probably has a completely different version of this.

I suspect there might be an atmosphere you bring to the group because of your dynamic with this man and if you suggest you can't make it, the rest of the group may sigh with relief.

blueskyinmarch · 09/11/2017 09:21

I reckon you are reading things into your relationship with this man that aren't really there. He is allowed to have new friends and do things with them. He isn't obliged to be in contact a lot. He may be busy and have lots to do. You are just going for a walk and you have been looking forward to it. I would go along and just enjoy being outside with friends. Don't try to make anything more than it is.

Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 09:24

ShiftyMcGifty Fair enough

Although to clarify - I never or very rarely initiate text contact, I usually only respond. It was unusual for me to contact him at all to ask what was wrong.

If he chooses to focus on dating someone or fostering a new relationship and steps back from your friendship, he's allowed to do that You're right. I guess I struggle with the inconsistency of feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 09:27

Ooops - by feelings I meant contact. He was in touch so much last week because he wanted to talk about his problems, and when it dropped off to nothing and my messages were unanswered, I just wanted to know what was going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 09:28

He isn't obliged to be in contact a lot.

You're right - I'll take this on. I still feel upset though. He was in touch three seperate times today but one of the times was quite rude so I left the conversation feeling really bad. I need to stop responding.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 09/11/2017 09:32

I think it is very strange that you never initiate contact given he is supposed to be your friend. That would say to me that you couldn't actually be bothered with the relationship. He can't win can he? He contacts you a lot then when he goes silent for a while you don't initiate a friendly exchange but assume something is wrong. Friendships are usually based on a reciprocal give and take type of exchange but you seem to want him to do all the running. He is possibly fed up and exhausted by you?

EvelynWardrobe · 09/11/2017 09:33

So, you’ve decided you need some time apart from this friend because the relationship is confusing you and causing you anxiety? Surely it’s easy enough to say that to your female friend and just do something together? I don’t see where the drama is.

Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 09:36

Hmmm seems I am getting a bit of a battering here Sad Oh well, probably deserve it.

I think it is very strange that you never initiate contact given he is supposed to be your friend. That would say to me that you couldn't actually be bothered with the relationship.

I used to and always respond - truth is I only stopped when I became worried that I was over-investing as a self-defense mechanism. And when I messaged after not hearing it was nice and chatty - I only asked about what was up once those messages were ignored.

But - I don't want to be defensive. I do value the advice.

Maybe he is exhausted by me Sad

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/11/2017 09:37

If she's a true friend, she'll understand.
You could hike elsewhere together.
Sorry to sound harsh OP, but don't cause an unnecessary drama.

blueskyinmarch · 09/11/2017 09:39

I not trying to give you a battering OP. Just trying to thing things through from his perspective to try and see if it helps you with the issue.

Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 09:41

I am actually wondering if the best drama-free plan is to not mention how I feel at all - my babysitter is doing me a massive favour anyway so could legitimately say that I needed to reschedule to a time that suited them better.

I am so glad I started this thread even if some of the comments are hard to read probably cause they are right

OP posts:
Itsonkyme · 09/11/2017 09:42

How can you even consider going away for the weekend with some one you have just split up with? Weird.....

Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 09:43

blueskyinmarch and thank you! It does help.

If anything the fact i started two threads on this in two days tells me alone that I need to move back from this situation as I really should think about other things!

OP posts:
EvelynWardrobe · 09/11/2017 09:44

I haven’t read the other thread but he sounds like a dick. I was in a complicated friendship for a couple of years along time ago, we were sleeping together but he never considered me girlfriend material. What I learned from that is that I don’t always have rock solid self-confidence, and staying away from complicated friendships with men is the way forward.

ShiftyMcGifty · 09/11/2017 09:50

I'm not trying to give you a battering either OP, and I'm sorry if I'm too blunt. Please keep in mind none of us really know you in real life, so we can't actually be attacking you.

We are just commenting on a possible scenario and sometimes try to give you an outside perspective.

It's really hard to figure out what's going on because it's just your skewed perspective on it we're seeing. So you're bound to get completely different perspectives from different posters. Please don't mistake them for personal attacks and just again keep in mind none of these posters actually know you.

Based on your last post...
If you never initiate contact, he may be the kind of person who always needs "someone". You know, the type who doesn't break up with one person before lining up another relationship?

He may be using you as his "in-between" relationships stop gap. Leans on you for emotional support, behaves as if you're in a relationship, then goes cold.

You need to figure out what you want from him and then steady and unwavering forward... don't react so much to his changing behaviour.

annielouise · 09/11/2017 09:56

Sounds like your feelings for him are there simmering under the surface while accepting you'll never be more to him. Getting that balance right is difficult. Whatever, he's very rude, as a friend, to be speaking to you rudely and I think he's over-stepped the mark and you have a right to not want to be in his company.

I think you should pull out to get some space. Tell your friend you're really sorry. No need to tell her more. The three of them might go anyway if she's in the group and knows them independently of you.

Going forward, if he tries using you as a his personal problem solver/shoulder to cry on etc knock it on the head. So, if he texts you his problems, don't reply straight away and when you do just say sorry I don't know what to suggest, hope you get it sorted or whatever. Just keep brushing it off. That way you can get the friendship back to a normal level and he can return to his place as not being important to you. If he asks you directly what's wrong just saying nothing, all's fine. It's in your hands to direct the relationship back to a level you're comfortable with.

I think by telling him you had feelings for him you've handed him some power to be callous with you. I think this is the measure of the man so you've had a lucky escape that you're not in a relationship with him.

Do not question him about whether he's spent time with another woman! That's nothing to do with you. As a friend he should have cancelled with you, not just not shown up, so you can point out his rudeness but honestly I'd be doing less of the one to one friendship stuff now, if any at all.

annielouise · 09/11/2017 09:59

If you still fancy him for your own sanity pull away and don't be his confidante while he talks about other women. To be honest, I'm a bit confused as to the exact nature of this friendship with him. FWB? You must distance yourself to get over him.

londonginge · 09/11/2017 10:18

I was in this situation, I went out of a sense of obligation and guilt and it was a horrible mistake. I felt far worse for going than had I let down the friend. It wasn't a fun weekend, it was horribly awkward.

Original poster
Notmad · 09/11/2017 10:42

Good advice! I will pull out I just need to decide how

You’re right about how I shouldn’t have asked if he’d cancelled on me for his new woman, that was undignified. If I’m honest I think I wanted to know as if it were true it would make closing the door easier

Also - he will ask why I am not going. I need to decide what to say.

OP posts:
Foxysoxy01 · 09/11/2017 10:45

Pull away OP.

You don't need this and are investing too much into something that sounds completely toxic.

I think you should stop all contact by phone/email/in person and concentrate on other friendships and relationships. You seem to be wasting your time away worrying about a man (and a slightly sounding unpleasant one at that) that will never be more than a confusing and toxic 'friendship'

I would tell your other friend you would rather go to x place for a hike and continue on with your day but away from toxic friend.

questionbasket · 09/11/2017 11:06

Just change your plans, problem solved. No need to let your friend down, no need for you to feel stressed. It can be as drama filled or drama free as you make it.

annielouise · 09/11/2017 11:49

Yes, either tell your friend and spend the time with her or cancel and tell them all the babysitter can't make it. Just give that one excuse and stick to the story.