To wonder why mil keeps giving me all dh baby stuff?

[xhannahx]

Since i have had dd, mil keeps off loading lots of stuff on me and I just can't make head nor tail of it.

A bit of background, mil get on ok, never had any cross words or major fallings out, but we aren't close. She can be quite a cold person and excludes me from most family related stuff. Having been with dh for over a decade I am used to it.

When we announced our pregnancy, mil gave me dh baby blanket for our DD. I did find it a little strange, as it seemed so sentimental, but I accepted it graciously but didn't actually use it. I didn't want DD to be sick on something that to me is very special, so I have just stored it away safely.

Since DD has been birn, every time we see mil she gives me more of dh baby things. I now have:

• every single baby photo, plus many other old family photos shoved in big envelope.

• lots of old school books

• his first moments baby book

• cross stitich pictures with his name and dob

This is just to name a few.

All of this stuff to me is very sentimental, and I just don't understand why I'm being given it. Why doesn't she want it? When I asked about the baby photos she actually told me that she had thrown some away as "you can only have so many pictures with him covered in chocolate".

Is this strange? Aibu to tell her I don't want anymore stuff and ask her why she doesn't want it?

Everything she has given me has been stored away so that it doesn't get lost or damaged, but I just don't get it?!

Can anyone figure this out?

Haha! My poor DIL is gonna need a storage unit for all the stuff I save from my son when I eventually pass it on!

@LoveSG - surely you mean your son will need a storage unit? Why will it be your DIL's responsibility.

FFS - this is not about MIL bashing. People seriously think DILs should happily accept their DH's school books, baby books, baby photos from their MILs?!

No, but there's also no reason to think that the MIL is doing so because it is "wife work" or anything more sinister than sharing.

Evelyn I suggest you open any one of the zillion threads with MIL in the title. It's not long before you get the gist.

I found my brother's school reports when I was clearing out our parent's house. He went to an old fashioned prep school, and the reports were detailed and charming, full of stuff that showed what sort of child he was. I tied them up like a scroll and gave them to my sister in law. Who was so unimpressed that she suggested to several people that I must have mental health issues, and my brother berated me for making him look ridiculous in front of his wife.

Her reaction was OTT but why wouldn't you have given them to your brother? We have similar school reports (headmistress was eerily accurate - foresaw the adult from the 10 year old) and my parents put them together and gave them to my sister and me a couple of years ago. I'd have thought it very odd if they had given them to my husband and BIL.

"Her reaction was OTT but why wouldn't you have given them to your brother?"

I probably should have, but they were together when I gave them to her,(sitting side by side on my sofa) and I thought it would be sweet for her to get first read.

OP, I see what you're saying. My MIL has given us loads of stuff that she kept. If it was a baby blanket etc, or something that could be used then I can see the purpose of it, as it would be lovely to use it for our DCs.
But it was also stuff like baby books, swimming certificates etc etc. And my thought was 'why doesn't she keep hold of it, as its a lovely reminder for her'. She's (hopefully) in good health and will be with us for a while. If I was her I'd keep it in a nice box, and then when the DGCs come to visit she can get it out and show them all their Dad's stuff. And then we can keep it after she's gone.
Its not MIL bashing to think this.

As a wifework plot it's not exactly failsafe is it though Minevera? If MiL passes me something of dh's I just take it home and give it to him. Obviously it's outrageous that she should expect me to do so, just because I happen to be the one stood in front of her, but overall it is quite an easy plot to foil.

I don't get why she is giving all this stuff to you. Why not DH? Surely you've got stuff from your side?

It is a little bit MiL bashing to criticise her for not doing things exactly the way you would Chatham. Maybe just give her some guidance, she probably doesn't realise that a handful of old swimming certificates are meant to be a lovely memory for her now she's nothing left to live for.

I have just asked the question...why doesn't she want to keep the stuff for herself?

I suppose it's because when a new generation comes along, you look back on your baby's early days and childhood, and then unconsciously "pass on the baton". Perhaps she thinks it will be nice for YOUR child to have pictures of his father as a baby? My DC love to look at baby pictures of us.

If MIL is not a sentimental type who regularly treasures mementos, but she knows you are that type, then you're the best place for the family history stuff.

Remember you're at very different stages of life - of course you can't imagine giving away all the pictures of your baby, they are tiny still. But MIL has years of memories stored up, and lives her adult son, presumably- and perhaps just isn't the nostalgic type to dwell much in the past.

There's no "better" or "worse" in this - just because it puzzles you doesn't mean it's odd, it's just different.

This is my guess, could be wrong:

I guess she thinks it's sweet and uses this to bond over both being mothers in the same family etc. She is giving you her experience (foto's of baby, blankets, stuff) because you are now in the same position as she was back then. She knows she will die in some future and she is now safely passing these things on to you and telling you her story (or waiting for you to ask about it). It's an honor I guess. Some of my family would have thought like that.

Mummyoflittledragon my mother paid my BIL to clear out my childhood bedroom. Some random stuff was in a garage, other things were binned, in no particular order. She hoards enough absolute rubbish to fill a smaller house though (the house is tidyish, she hoards it in outbuildings and garages mostly).

I dont think its strange - it is her way of forging a bond with you over babies and trying to be less cold. suggest you be nice about it.

She has plenty to live for Barbarian, and she made an active decision to keep these things so I'm presuming she found them to be a nice reminder.
My question was really why give them to us now? If they have been a nice reminder of times past for her, why are they not now?
I'm not criticising her for doing this, it's more that I'm wondering why doesn't she want them anymore. If she thinks that the DGC will get more from the mementos than she does now, then fine.
Its not criticising someone to wonder why they have done something.
People giving us more 'stuff' never brings out the best in DH and i though, but that's a general thing. My MiL is a lovely caring person.

I have just asked the question...why doesn't she want to keep the stuff for herself?

Well, no you haven't because the only person who can answer that is your MIL and therefore you should be asking her rather than some randoms on the internet.

As a wifework plot it's not exactly failsafe is it though Minevera? If MiL passes me something of dh's I just take it home and give it to him. Obviously it's outrageous that she should expect me to do so, just because I happen to be the one stood in front of her, but overall it is quite an easy plot to foil.

Barbarian, that's a bit disingenuous. It's clear that a few MILs on this thread are actively giving the stuff to their DILs, rather than because the DIL happened to be there when she wanted to offload it.

I'm not saying this is sinister. It is a form of wifework that expects women to be the custodian of everything related to a baby, even when the baby is a 40 yo grown man.

She's probably thinking about things because she's recently become a grandma. It is a new life stage and sometimes makes people think back to when they had their own children etc. And she's giving it to you because you are female and therefore are the one that does baby stuff and decides where to store things in the house.

To that generation it was pretty unusual for men to have much to do with young babies. Neither of the grandads in my family would ever be left with the grandchildren alone, whereas the grandmas do days of sole charge. Similarly the men would never do any cleaning or tidying and would be unlikely to know what was in any given cupboard. Times have changed!

OP are you feeling a bit left out because it's stuff from before you were on the scene? Hopefully that's not the intended effect.

I'm not saying this is sinister. It is a form of wifework that expects women to be the custodian of everything related to a baby

I'm inclined to agree with minerva. It is all a bit 'wifey'. How many men would sort through and hand all the school photos of their daughter to their son in law?

The Op has said she's not old though.

2 of my daughters are old enough to have made me a grandparent already and i have a DD who's 3 as well.

I'm saying that the generation where men had not a lot to do with their kids routinely was a looooong time ago, yet it's still ingrained to expect the women to be the ones fussing over the sentimental stuff. When you think about it.

I would take it as a compliment and not worry too much about the inner workings of her mind. She's entrusting you with treasured possessions and handing over the virtual reigns to her little boy. It's her way of endorsing you as the primary woman in his life.

The other possibility is she's fed up hoarding all this clutter but can't quite bring herself to bin it so she's dumping it on you.

I think the first option is more likely and much nicer though.

@carefreee of course not. I'm not feeling left out because I wasn't around when he was a baby, that really would be weird.

My MIL did this too and i did feel it a little odd that’s she didn’t want them anymore- I guess she kept a couple of special pictures. She was downsizing to a bungalow so fair enough. Maybe one of those things we won’t understand until we’re in that position.

I have been thinking about this thread all day-something has just happened to me don't want to hijack thread and don't want to make a TAAT so as you all have opinions I would love some clarity of thought if it's ok OP
My DH(1) tragically died of leukaemia when we were 29. A very long time ago. My DM was clearing out her cellar last week where I have stuff stored and brought me a box of things- lots of which were DH(1)'s stuff. Diplomas, school days albums etc. I assume DMIL(1) gave them to me when we go married.
Now-do I keep them-very happy to as cherish his memory. DH2 very generous about this. Or do I ask DMIL(1) if she'd like to see them?
She has never recovered from his death and we do keep in touch.
don't want to hurt anyone....

mumsie

As you are in touch I would ask her. There is pain of remembering someone you lost but there is comfort there too. I also suspect that she may not have given them to you both had she known that she was going to lose him.

Thanks for reply barbarian
just wasn't sure if I was opening old wounds...
IRL I have had mixed replies...