To wonder why mil keeps giving me all dh baby stuff?

[xhannahx]

Since i have had dd, mil keeps off loading lots of stuff on me and I just can't make head nor tail of it.

A bit of background, mil get on ok, never had any cross words or major fallings out, but we aren't close. She can be quite a cold person and excludes me from most family related stuff. Having been with dh for over a decade I am used to it.

When we announced our pregnancy, mil gave me dh baby blanket for our DD. I did find it a little strange, as it seemed so sentimental, but I accepted it graciously but didn't actually use it. I didn't want DD to be sick on something that to me is very special, so I have just stored it away safely.

Since DD has been birn, every time we see mil she gives me more of dh baby things. I now have:

• every single baby photo, plus many other old family photos shoved in big envelope.

• lots of old school books

• his first moments baby book

• cross stitich pictures with his name and dob

This is just to name a few.

All of this stuff to me is very sentimental, and I just don't understand why I'm being given it. Why doesn't she want it? When I asked about the baby photos she actually told me that she had thrown some away as "you can only have so many pictures with him covered in chocolate".

Is this strange? Aibu to tell her I don't want anymore stuff and ask her why she doesn't want it?

Everything she has given me has been stored away so that it doesn't get lost or damaged, but I just don't get it?!

Can anyone figure this out?

[MinervaSaidThar]

You had to say that? Way to school your parents in law! She kept the photos, no longer wants them, so was passing them on to the person who is actually in the photos.

Well if she passed them to her DIL then she wasn't giving them to the person who was actually in the photos. She should have given them to her son.

I think you would have to be in the throes of an extremely obsessive passionate love to want your DH's old school photos and school books.

And to the point who's mum gave her back old birthday presents, that was just mean. Shr's trying to offload the items with minimum guilt. I'd bin them and refuse anything else.

[SleepFreeZone]

I find myself regularly wondering exactly why I'm keeping stuff and for what purpose. Generally the kids don't want to see the baby stuff when their teenagers. They're busy creating a life for themselves when they're in their twenties and this thread shows that no one is interested once they have their own kids.

So I'm generally just letting stuff go unless my kids really want to keep it. Pictures get filed in the recycling and sculptures get put to one side and then binned. Far easier that way.

[HouseworkIsAPain]

The photos point is interesting. In the olden days you took loads of photos and printed them all in the hope that a few would turn out halfway decent.

Nowadays you only print the decent ones so there are far fewer photos lying around and waiting to be passed on.

I think MIL just wants to pass on her child’s memories in the expectation that her grandchild will want to see them / use them - passing the baton on to the next generation as a PP said.

[BarbarianMum]

I think this is key. When your kids are only little you do treasure every little certificate, star of the week certificate or scribbly drawing. But it really doesn't carry on like this because as they grow older you will have literally thousands of them. As they get older you get more discerning. I still have their first school books but not every school book since. We've weeded through the artwork (1 folderfull per child) to keep pieces that are the best, or that hold very strong memories. OP can't understand a mother throwing away a photo of their child but by the time said child is 10 I bet most pics stay on her phone rather than being lovingly printed out and scrap booked.

Even a sentimental mum is unlikely to be treasuring old swimming certificates 40 years down the line.

[Deadgood]

“I suppose it's because when a new generation comes along, you look back on your baby's early days and childhood, and then unconsciously "pass on the baton". Perhaps she thinks it will be nice for YOUR child to have pictures of his father as a baby? My DC love to look at baby pictures of us.

If MIL is not a sentimental type who regularly treasures mementos, but she knows you are that type, then you're the best place for the family history stuff.”

I agree with all of this. OP, I actually think you are being a bit odd by putting the useable stuff like the blanket “away”. What exactly do you think should happen to that blanket? Should it remain in that box in your attic until the day you die? And then be discovered by someone, possibly even your own DIL, who will not know what it is or its significance, and throw it away?
It makes so much more sense to pass it on while you are still around. You now know exactly what it is and it means more than if you’d just found it in 20 years in your own MIL’s attic. Even if it was labelled, you’d still not have had it while your own DC were young.
Your MIL is probably wondering why you haven’t used it with your babies, and might have been looking forward to seeing it used by another generation.

[DeadGood]

“My mum has done this to me with all my stuff!
She keeps fecluttering and giving me 100's of baby photos, things I won at fair when I was 9, presents I bought her when I was 10.
I keep saying I don't want them but she keeps turning up with them!”

But she doesn’t feel she can throw them away herself, as they are yours. Maybe not the gifts you bought her, but the other things are yours. Don’t want them? Throw them away. But your mother clearly does not feel she can throw them away herself.

[DeadGood]

“ it's not quite right to be giving people their own old school photos or reports, is it? ... I did have to say 'I think school photos are for parents' and she took the hint.”

Wow, how incredibly inappropriate - of you.

You had to say that? Way to school your parents in law! She kept the photos, no longer wants them, so was passing them on to the person who is actually in the photos.

And you refused them! What if she went on to throw them away? Let me guess, you wouldn’t be happy with that either.

Few people on here that seem to insist that others (parents, PILs) hold on to items that are related to them or their partners.

[trumptown]

I don't think it's strange at all. My MIL and FIL are in their 80s and about 15 or so years ago started giving similar things away to us and my partner's brother. MIL talked about getting older and not wanting so much stuff, I assumed she was thinking about the future and about their mortality. I have to say that as I approach 50 I can completely understand. Giving away family related sentimental items seems like the kind of thing I would start doing in 10 or 20 years when my DCs have their own families. With my MIL, I saw it as a nice gesture, not odd at all.

[toomuchtooold]

she probably doesn't realise that a handful of old swimming certificates are meant to be a lovely memory for her now she's nothing left to live for

I think you're taking offence where none was intended, there. My kids are only little but there's already tons of things that I remember fondly that they, being kids, are utterly unsentimental about.

[notacooldad]

My mum has done this to me with all my stuff!
She keeps fecluttering and giving me 100's of baby photos, things I won at fair when I was 9, presents I bought her when I was 10.
I keep saying I don't want them but she keeps turning up with them!

[HouseworkIsAPain]

Mumsie I would ask MIL. She’d probably treasure having some of her DS’s things to look at.

[BarbarianMum]

I suspect those wounds are always open

[mumsiedarlingrevolta]

Thanks for reply barbarian
just wasn't sure if I was opening old wounds...
IRL I have had mixed replies...

[BarbarianMum]

mumsie

As you are in touch I would ask her. There is pain of remembering someone you lost but there is comfort there too. I also suspect that she may not have given them to you both had she known that she was going to lose him.

[mumsiedarlingrevolta]

I have been thinking about this thread all day-something has just happened to me don't want to hijack thread and don't want to make a TAAT so as you all have opinions I would love some clarity of thought if it's ok OP
My DH(1) tragically died of leukaemia when we were 29. A very long time ago. My DM was clearing out her cellar last week where I have stuff stored and brought me a box of things- lots of which were DH(1)'s stuff. Diplomas, school days albums etc. I assume DMIL(1) gave them to me when we go married.
Now-do I keep them-very happy to as cherish his memory. DH2 very generous about this. Or do I ask DMIL(1) if she'd like to see them?
She has never recovered from his death and we do keep in touch.
don't want to hurt anyone....

[Bunchofdaffodils]

My MIL did this too and i did feel it a little odd that’s she didn’t want them anymore- I guess she kept a couple of special pictures. She was downsizing to a bungalow so fair enough. Maybe one of those things we won’t understand until we’re in that position.

[xhannahx]

@carefreee of course not. I'm not feeling left out because I wasn't around when he was a baby, that really would be weird.

[HerOtherHalf]

I would take it as a compliment and not worry too much about the inner workings of her mind. She's entrusting you with treasured possessions and handing over the virtual reigns to her little boy. It's her way of endorsing you as the primary woman in his life.

The other possibility is she's fed up hoarding all this clutter but can't quite bring herself to bin it so she's dumping it on you.

I think the first option is more likely and much nicer though.

[Laiste]

I'm saying that the generation where men had not a lot to do with their kids routinely was a looooong time ago, yet it's still ingrained to expect the women to be the ones fussing over the sentimental stuff. When you think about it.

[Laiste]

The Op has said she's not old though.

2 of my daughters are old enough to have made me a grandparent already and i have a DD who's 3 as well.

[Laiste]

I'm not saying this is sinister. It is a form of wifework that expects women to be the custodian of everything related to a baby

I'm inclined to agree with minerva. It is all a bit 'wifey'. How many men would sort through and hand all the school photos of their daughter to their son in law?

[carefreeeee]

She's probably thinking about things because she's recently become a grandma. It is a new life stage and sometimes makes people think back to when they had their own children etc. And she's giving it to you because you are female and therefore are the one that does baby stuff and decides where to store things in the house.

To that generation it was pretty unusual for men to have much to do with young babies. Neither of the grandads in my family would ever be left with the grandchildren alone, whereas the grandmas do days of sole charge. Similarly the men would never do any cleaning or tidying and would be unlikely to know what was in any given cupboard. Times have changed!

OP are you feeling a bit left out because it's stuff from before you were on the scene? Hopefully that's not the intended effect.

[MinervaSaidThar]

As a wifework plot it's not exactly failsafe is it though Minevera? If MiL passes me something of dh's I just take it home and give it to him. Obviously it's outrageous that she should expect me to do so, just because I happen to be the one stood in front of her, but overall it is quite an easy plot to foil.

Barbarian, that's a bit disingenuous. It's clear that a few MILs on this thread are actively giving the stuff to their DILs, rather than because the DIL happened to be there when she wanted to offload it.

I'm not saying this is sinister. It is a form of wifework that expects women to be the custodian of everything related to a baby, even when the baby is a 40 yo grown man.

[WildBluebelles]

I have just asked the question...why doesn't she want to keep the stuff for herself?

Well, no you haven't because the only person who can answer that is your MIL and therefore you should be asking her rather than some randoms on the internet.

[Chathamhouserules]

She has plenty to live for Barbarian, and she made an active decision to keep these things so I'm presuming she found them to be a nice reminder.
My question was really why give them to us now? If they have been a nice reminder of times past for her, why are they not now?
I'm not criticising her for doing this, it's more that I'm wondering why doesn't she want them anymore. If she thinks that the DGC will get more from the mementos than she does now, then fine.
Its not criticising someone to wonder why they have done something.
People giving us more 'stuff' never brings out the best in DH and i though, but that's a general thing. My MiL is a lovely caring person.