To give up trying to help depressed DH?

[helloworld2012]

This is maybe more of a WWYD.

My DH is depressed. He has been for about 2 years at least, although neither of us spotted the warning signs and he has never been to the GP about it so it's not officially diagnosed. He is really, really, really low, finds zero enjoyment in anything, has isolated himself almost completely (cut contact with his parents, lost contact with friends) and he wants a divorce and to leave me and the kids. He's lost so much weight, he looks awful, his cheekbones are jutting out and he has a kind of grey colour to his skin.

However he refuses to see the GP, doesn't want to take medication, believes he can't afford to take time off work (we would find a solution for money if we had to) and has a refusal for every single suggestion that I give him. He's seen a therapist but it hasn't helped so far and he says he's not going to go back after this evening's session.

Despite us divorcing I still love him and care about him. We're still in the same house as neither of us has anywhere else to stay so I see everyday how down he is and it is breaking my heart into tiny pieces. I am so helpless. I want to help him, I want to get him to see how ill he is but even when I'm sobbing and begging him to go see the dr, he still won't go. He does seem to take in everything I say though, but doesn't agree to doing anything about it. He honestly thinks this is just his lot and there's no way out.

My question is not really AIBU, it's more what can or should you do when you see your husband go from a lovely, happy go lucky man, to a deeply depressed shell of a man who wants a divorce and to leave his family? When I married, I married for life, through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health, so in that respect I shouldn't give up. But on the other hand, this divorce is happening now, and he is doing literally nothing to get help despite my pleading. I have tried everything. Is it ever ok to just stand back and allow this to continue? I'm scared he does something stupid...

firstly i would say that its extremelty sad that he wont get help from a GP because the right medication can be absolutely brilliant at stabilising and improving mental health. Its incredibly frustrating for me and I don't even know your DH!

have you thought about staging an intervention and inviting family etc? it sounds like he is going to get himself in a complete downward spiral unless he gets help.

do you ever suspect there is something very dark underneath it all that he is terrified to confront? Sometimes people are anxious/depressed for mundane reasons like bossy dad or parent dying when they are young. those things are usually not painful enough to stop someone getting help. But sometimes the depression can be caused be something so terrible that people fear that any attempt to address the depression will unravel the bigger problem, and they cannot face that. Does that ring any bells?

Ultimately, you cannot wave a magic wand, and men in particular have form and statistics for just not being willing to address mental health issues. It is not your fault.

I'd say his mental health is her problem now, not yours. Wouldn't you?

The sympathy stops now.

He is an adult. He is responsible for his choices, his behaviours and his health. The only people you have a responsibility to now are yourself and your children.

And yet now he is so devastated at what he's done and the way he talks makes me feel sorry for him

Yep, I also had one of these. Didn't claim to be depressed beforehand but he was "referred for the maximum amount of cbt the NHS will fund the GP was that worried"...

Do not feel sorry for him.

He didn't have to make the initial contact online; he didn't have to respond when she replied; he didn't have to continue it; he didn't have to meet her; he didn't have to kiss her; he didn't have to touch her; he didn't have to make the decision to have sex with her; he didn't have to repeat it; he didn't have to continue it for whatever duration. He didn't have to do any of it. The depression didn't make him cheat on you for all that time. That was a choice. Do not forget that.

Just remember that every thing he says to you now is not unique. It's not because he's 'suffering'. Do not allow yourself to support or sympathise with him because he won't look back once he starts to feel better about what he's done.

Oh and don't assume that whatever he is saying about the house and finances will stand in another couple of years either.

It's time for you to get serious now. He is not your priority or your problem anymore.

Autumn I feel like you are also giving me advice too - Thank You!!

YWNBU suggesting divorce is a pretty deep cut. Sometimes you have to protect yourself emotional
My. And your children. They need to know you Don't have to keep giving and giving of yourself.

GeriT It's a well trodden path for many of us

Jeez OP, so sorry to read your update.

I guess he now realises that he's screwed up and there's no one to blame but himself.

I can understand that it still hurts to see him suffering but do you think he feels the same about seeing the hurt he's caused you?

A tough one. He started the path to divorce and now you can both comprehend it and willingly follow! Stay strong. You're not alone.

It's really good to read all these comments, all the good advice and reminders that actually this man has taken complete advantage of my sympathetic nature.

For the pp who mentioned it, he does have a deep dark thing behind the depression. His crazy mother. Pretty sure she has narcissistic personality disorder, she has zero compassion and her love for her only child is very much NOT unconditional. Going to therapy really did open a big can of worms there.

So you see I can't pass the responsibility on to a family member as he's pushed them all away and as for friends he doesn't really have any that he's that close to. But yes, he can decide for himself now whether to sink or swim.

I need to get him out the house, he's still here. We have a big house and he's sleeping in the guestroom while me & the kids are 2 floors up and any other time he's here he's staying in his office (probably chatting online to his girlfriend) so he says it's like he's not even here but he needs to get out, now. totally taking the piss out of me.

I was going to say get his B12 checked it may be pernicious anaemia or coeliac
But in light of the cheating I will say concentrate on yourself instead!

The girl is 18 and he is 34. I want him out the house but he's refusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want him out the house but he's refusing

In that case, I'd ignore him and get on with my life.

Don't tell him your movements/actions; don't tidy up after him; don't cook for him; don't wash/do laundry... sorry, making big assumptions there about your respective roles! But what I mean is, behave as though he is no longer there.

He's a cock. See a solicitor. Get it all sorted as soon as possible. Don't cook his dinner. Take steps to ensure he can't wipe you out out financially. He will want to impress the 18yo and he might start doing that with money.

It's not that uncommon for 'depression' (particularly if the man won't seek or comply with treatment) to be basically arseholery, and it sounds like this is the case here. Get some good legal advice: don't wait for his permission or his co-operation.

(BTW I am not saying that depression isn't a real illness: of course it is. But it's an illness that selfish, lazy people sometimes claim to have, in order to get their own way.)

You could write all this down in a letter, send it to your GP and ask them to contact you. What a horrible situation and he does need help.

Sorry, just read your contacted your GP, homeopathy? For heavens sake. I do feel a doctor coming to see your husband is necessary though.

OMG, another woman. Not sure how severely depressed but able to cheat with an 18 year old, equates.

If you’re in that much of a deep, dark, hole that depression is, flirting, cheating, fooling around, would be the last thing on your mind.

Op

Eughhh the more I find out the more I'm thinking he's manipulating me!!!

One minute he was acting really depressed and hating himself for what he's done, was talking about suicide, but when I got scared and got my phone out to call our friend to come help, he jumped up and said no no no it's ok, and miraculously it was like the depression lifted and he was ok. I mean, I really don't know what to believe now.

Also the other thing that is torturing me is how he has been using me tonight as a therapist, telling me all his depressing thoughts, etc. I was supportive and caring and STILL bloody pushing him towards seeing the GP because it's hard not to be when someone says these things, but when I asked him why he's putting all this on me after what he's put me through instead of telling his girlfriend he said 'I don't want to worry her'. WTF!!!! So he has no problem watching me sick with worry over him but his new girlfriend deserves to be protected from that worry?

FML.

Tell him it's not appropriate for him to tell you these things. If he persists, tell him to pay a professional to listen to it.

If he was truly depressed he would have zero interest in sex, let alone the emotional energy to have an affair.

If he hates himself for what he's done, what's he going to do differently in future? He should stop wallowing and get on with changing his behaviour.

OP I’m so sorry that pathetic piece of crap has done this to you. Is it possible for you to emotionally check out? Let him and his gf work it out. No longer your circus and no longer you monkey

This is awful, I'm so sorry OP. I hope one day your husband looks back and bitterly regrets losing you and your children - that is what comes of being an arsehole of such epic proportions. Once you have some time and space away from this emotional vampire you will look at him with a new perspective and it will be easier to see him for what he really is. Fucking grass is greener pathetic attitude - he is weak and stupid and selfish. You on the other hand sound amazing. He is a fool. A total fool. This thing with the 18 year old will fizzle out and he will be left with nothing.

OMFG, he is an absolute fucking arse wipe 😱

He is not depressed, he is a manipulative shit & you & your DCs deserve so much better than this nasty manipulative excuse of a man.

Depressed people are not interested in sex, & wouldn’t have the balls to go chasing after a girl young enough to be his DD. Narcissism has an hereditary element & the Apple certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree as far as this excuse of a man goes. It’s all about him, what a selfish, nasty price of work.

He is no longer your problem, he has made it that way & he needs to go, the sooner the better & do not listen to his bullshit any longer. Look him right in the eyes & very coldly tell him “& why do you think this is still my problem? Go talk to your girlfriend & leave me rage fuck alone because you do not deserve my time nor interest” then turn your back & walk away.

Seek legal advice ASAP & refuse to engage with him further in anyway

I’m so angry for you 😡

He knows that when you are sick with worry you focus on his needs and ignore your own. It has worked before.

He was probably hoping you would agree to let him stay being cared for by you while he continues semi-secretly seeing the 18 year old. Of course you would never be allowed to complain because that would be bad for his mental health.

The effect on your mental health is irrelevant to Mr Selfish Cock.

Focus on yourself. Stop listening to his pity party pathetic attempted guilt trip.

And stop being so silly telling him to see the GP. He is an intelligent man, he knows the many places he could get mental health support. He prefers to fuck 18 year olds (while you are at work earning money to support his writing hobby). Shut up about the GP or anything like that. It diminishes both him and you. What do you need? Do you need to see the GP or get a therapist?

It's 9 months later and I just wanted to give an update. Also to thank all of you posters who helped me through this. Thank you!

The divorce is almost finalised. The kids and I have moved far, far away so we can be closer to my parents. I feel much, much better! Looking back now I can see how badly my ex treated me and how much better off I am away from him. He was controlling and manipulative and he has since shown his true colours by the way he barely bothers with his children. If anyone finds themselves in a similar situation, I just want to say that 9 months down the line I am happier, the kids are happier and we are living our lives to the full. xx

Thank you for the update. It sounds like everything if working out well for you and well done for getting through this.

Wishing you every happiness

I just read through the thread hoping there would be a positive update! Bloody well done helloworld and all the best for the future

Thank you!! xx