To give up trying to help depressed DH?

[helloworld2012]

This is maybe more of a WWYD.

My DH is depressed. He has been for about 2 years at least, although neither of us spotted the warning signs and he has never been to the GP about it so it's not officially diagnosed. He is really, really, really low, finds zero enjoyment in anything, has isolated himself almost completely (cut contact with his parents, lost contact with friends) and he wants a divorce and to leave me and the kids. He's lost so much weight, he looks awful, his cheekbones are jutting out and he has a kind of grey colour to his skin.

However he refuses to see the GP, doesn't want to take medication, believes he can't afford to take time off work (we would find a solution for money if we had to) and has a refusal for every single suggestion that I give him. He's seen a therapist but it hasn't helped so far and he says he's not going to go back after this evening's session.

Despite us divorcing I still love him and care about him. We're still in the same house as neither of us has anywhere else to stay so I see everyday how down he is and it is breaking my heart into tiny pieces. I am so helpless. I want to help him, I want to get him to see how ill he is but even when I'm sobbing and begging him to go see the dr, he still won't go. He does seem to take in everything I say though, but doesn't agree to doing anything about it. He honestly thinks this is just his lot and there's no way out.

My question is not really AIBU, it's more what can or should you do when you see your husband go from a lovely, happy go lucky man, to a deeply depressed shell of a man who wants a divorce and to leave his family? When I married, I married for life, through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health, so in that respect I shouldn't give up. But on the other hand, this divorce is happening now, and he is doing literally nothing to get help despite my pleading. I have tried everything. Is it ever ok to just stand back and allow this to continue? I'm scared he does something stupid...

Oh, OP. Channel that feeling of I'm "done" and tell him he moves out. Today. His responsibility to find somewhere else to stay/live, not yours.

Well done for getting him to agree to see the gp and don't go to the one who gave you homeopathy ! To the poster who said demand the GP does a home visit - gp's cannot force themselves upon competent adults who do not wish to see them at home or in the surgery. Sometimes the situation gets so dire a person needs a mental health act assessment but this can only be done when there is immediate risk and is not usually done by a GP. The op is doing exactly the right thing in facilitating her husband to see the gp with her going with him then all the issues of consent are dealt with. Good luck and I really hope he accesses the help he obviously needs but ultimately you have to protect yourself and your children.

*woman

Ok. Cross posted ! He can clearly make decisions when he wants to. I know you are hurting and he has treated you very badly when you have tried so hard to support him. But try and stay in the mind space where you were moving on because that is where you need to be now but can drop all the associated guilt and use the anger to spur you forward.

Omg op. So, so sorry.

Walk away now. He has deceived you with another woman and honestly, I cannot believe that if he's as depressed as he's made out to be, that he would have the mental energy for an affair. Just walk away. You deserve so much better than this xxx

Heck.
You're ok to be done. This is not your fault and not yours to fix.
I am so sorry.

He has cheated on me and betrayed me in the most awful way and yet I still feel sorry for him! I wish I could, for once, not be so sympathetic!!!

He had been talking to this girl online for a year. Then when we were on holiday DH came back to work 2 weeks before us, and it was supposed to be time for him to chill out alone after work and at the weekends, to have space. Instead he met up with her. Then the same thing 2 weeks ago, although I suppose we'd said we were getting a divorce by then but it was just one week after that decision!

And yet now he is so devastated at what he's done and the way he talks makes me feel sorry for him. He hasn't said it's over and hasn't said he wants me (not that I could ever forgive him for this anyway) but he says he can never forgive himself, that he's a piece of shit (he is) etc etc and I feel a twang of sympathy for him. Or maybe it's pity?

Do you think he's telling the truth OP?Is there any chance that he is lying to push you away?

If not, then I am so sorry.

Ah, so that's why he wasn't looking for a flat for himself, you were looking for one for him. I'd guess he told OW you are getting divorced so she would not leave him and now he's waiting to see if he can move in with her.

I expect he was feeling more and more depressed through guilt at having an affair and generally lying all the time while you were driving yourself crazy trying to help him.

Has he left the house yet?

Sympathy? He whined and whined about poor him until you felt sympathetic. Did he ask about you? What you want? Offer to leave immediately so you could get your head in place?

So manipulative. He said all the things you should have been saying: you can never forgive him, he's a piece of shit. But I bet you felt the need to object and say "no you are not a piece of shit" and stuff like that. Master manipulator.

As someone who has had depression and also supported my husband with depression and more serious mental illness my number one piece of advise is to look after yourself first because if you go under you can't look after anyone else.

Depression is an awful soul sucking illness and can completely strip away all motivation and volition (in a bad patch my husband doesn't wash or eat) I think you taking control and booking the appointment is a good move. I would explain his reasons regarding not wanting medication to the GP too so they can reassure him. Another thing is that as PPs have said there can be physical health problems underlying depression too. I was vitamin D deficient, which has strong links to poor mental health, so it's worth him getting checked out physically too.

It took a couple of years to get my DH to agree to ADs (with 1 fase start where he started taking them then his mate told him to stop because they were addictive and he'd be better off without) in the end it took crisis team in A&E to pursuade him to give them a try, he then quickly realised how much they helped. (It often takes a couple of weeks to feel the benefit so don't expect instant results.) My DHs MH problems turned out to be far more complex than 'just' depression but the right treatment is life changing. It might also be worth looking up if there is an Andy's Man club in your area. This is an organisation run by men for other men with the aim of improving mens mental health and breaking down the stigma associated with men talking about their feelings etc.

Sorry cross posted OP

I have no doubt your husband has a mental health problem but it may not be depression. He can obviously pull himself together enough to go to work every day as well as initiate an affair with another woman.

He needs to move out this weekend. If you're concerned about him self harming tell a member of his family or one of his friends so you can shift responsibility to them to look out for him.

You and your children have suffered enough. If he values his marriage and his children he may have the impetus to sort himself out and try to make amends, but right now it feels like he is picking and choosing where he devotes his energy.

You are all so right. All of you.

To the pp who wondered if he was lying to push me away, the thought had crossed my mind too but after he saw me almost hyperventilate last night when he told me I don't think he'd keep up the pretense. I do find it all so hard to believe but that's because I thought I knew him. Turns out I don't and haven't for a while.

Cannot believe the shit he has put me through. Now he's all like 'I'll give you the house, all the money, whatever you want.' Fuck you future ex husband. Fuck you.

Oh shit! So sorry.

He's on a path to self-destruction. I was sympathetic to him until I found out about the affair. Depression is the most selfish, destructive, isolating illness - it's hideous and no-one wants to feel that way - but it also saps you of all will and energy and actually doing something about it seems like climbing a mountain and the negativity you feel makes you believe it won't work anyway - nothing will work, everything is pointless, life is pointless.

Now he's trying to self-medicate with the drugs of sex/infatuation. Because it looks like more fun and an easier fix than seeing the GP and facing the reality of his condition and the mess he is making of his life.

Leave him to it now. Twat!

My ex has depression and he had an affair, luckily we had no children. We talked years after the divorce, For him the affair was his therapy and he had already checked out of marriage/ his job/ his life. He was basically role playing normality with someone who nothing about him. One of the strange discussions we had was about how he felt during his depression and it was extremely close to how I felt living with someone with depression, first my mother and then him.

Hi Helloworld12, sorry you are having to go through this shit. First thing you could do if you wanted was to seek help for yourself. You could go and see a counsellor, because it's time for you to look after yourself now. And sounds like you have been managing everyone and looking after things and trying to make everything right for everyone. Even if you don't feel like talking now, it might really help.
Or if you have no one in real life to speak to, ring the Samaritans and tell them everything and have a bloody good cry down the phone as a release valve. And do that once a day if you have to.
Best of luck in the coming days. You are a good person trying your best, you did what seemed like the right thing to do in every situation. You are not to blame for what's happened. You are not the reason he is like this or the way things are.
He's a big boy now, he can go and get help for himself if he wants. Or not if he doesn't want.

Get him out, what a bastard.

I’d call the GP and ask for a home visit. Tell your dh you’re doing this, but you’re so concerned about him that it’s the last resort. Good luck, it sounds like a miserable existence for all of you.

Well done OP for taking charge. Go along to the doctor and tell them everything you’ve told us. Tell them that divorce or not, your DH is in desperate need of help and don’t leave without a plan for antidepressants plus some sort of talking therapy

From your physical description of him, no matter what he has done (his behaviour/affairs may well be symptomatic of his depression) he does sound depressed. It is exhausting and terrible living with someone with depression but they do need professional help. GP sounds useless - can you persuade him to see a private psychologist/psychiatrist at least once? If you can give that one more bash, you will have done your best and then probably need to get clear of him for your own self-preservation. I just think that if he did something self-harming and irrevocable, you might wish you'd tried that last thing to see if he would accept help. (I speak from personal experience with a family member - we tried too late).

oh fucking hell, I'm so sorry to read that.

what a piece of shit he really is.

sending you strength for this

This is horrible for you. It sounds like he is manipulating you. He knows you are a sympathetic person abc has been using it to his advantage. Kick him out right now.

OP

I was just typing I have given up. He cheated on me EA (as far as I know) and still is.

He is stringing me along. I am stupid enough to blame it on his vulnerability and depression.

I am giving up.

I am sorry you are going through the same thing

He wont appreciate you going to the doctors. I have been there.

He will turn things around so he is the victim again.

OP your situation sounds identical to mine.