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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aubu to want to redistribute finances, and how?

69 replies

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 08/11/2017 02:59

I'm late 30s. Been with OH forever. 2 Tweenies. OH is a high earner. Joint mortgage, small joint debts. I have a small earning full time WAH job, literally no pension. OH has a high wage and ridiculously generous pension. Joint finances. We have no savings. We're pretty happy, but I'm really conscious that all the eggs (so to speak) are in his basket, and if he chose to leave me, I'd have nothing, except a half share of the equity. I signed a release for his parent's contribution to our first house 12 years ago- that accounts for 30% of our equity. So all I have to show for 18 years is 35% of the equity of the current house. That's not much. What can I do? I'm not going anywhere. But my lack of options makes me feel trapped. I need a long term strategy to make me an equal financial partner in the relationship, bearing in mind that my earnings are about 1/3 of OH. Any advice gratefully received. I find it hard to feel complicit in the relationship when I know I have no escape route! OH is lovely but short termist, so doesn't understand how I feel.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/11/2017 03:03

Propose?

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 08/11/2017 03:05

We are married! Sorry if that was unclear. I'm not sure how that helps?

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 08/11/2017 03:06

Divorce court would take your contribution to the partnership into account. You wouldn't get just the 35% of the house value.

Could you set up a private pension using your earnings? I don't claim to know anything about these but it'd be worth you looking into it.

Cactusjelly00 · 08/11/2017 03:11

If you were to divorce you would be awarded more than 35% of the house certainly.
Could also include spousal support (possibly being phased out now in the Uk) a share of his pension, savings, etc. plus obviously child maintanence if applicable.
So long as you're married you have those basic protections, but obviously you might want more than that.
What would be fair in your eyes op?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/11/2017 03:17

What Cactus said.

ZombieVampireHedgehog · 08/11/2017 03:20

Can you make pensions a joint thing?

How long have you been together?

IShouldntPostBut · 08/11/2017 03:31

Things vary, but here you'd be entitled to half his pension as well...

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/11/2017 03:37

I can’t believe his parents (or he) made you sign a release if you are married!!!!

liminality · 08/11/2017 04:05

When my friend separated from her husband, she got half his pension that he had accumulated - and half his student debt!
They take into account the fact that you spend time raising the kids and not accruing pension etc.
You have more solidity thatn you think.

I'd start making extra payments into a share investment scheme or superannuation scheme and up mine, if I was worried and in your position.

Do you think its likely you'd split up?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2017 04:39

Definitely get some investments in your name. Shares, rental property etc just to even the balance.

itsnearlychristmas · 08/11/2017 04:42

Why no savings if he's a high earner? That would bother me more.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 08/11/2017 11:59

Thanks for your replies. I don't think we'll split up, but I'd like to know that the reason I am not splitting up is not because I will be destitute if I do! We weren't married when I signed the release form. It was for the parents benefit rather than OH, it was a condition of them giving us the money - they had been previously burnt by an absconding spouse of one of OH siblings. Income has increased quite quickly, hence no savings as yet, powering through previous debts first. The problem is, his pension is amazing, mine is laughable. There is no point contributing to mine as the employers contribution is the minimum and his is really high. But then all the investments, as well as all the income, are in OH's name.

OP posts:
LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 08/11/2017 12:00

Been together 16 + years, but only married for 4. Thanks

OP posts:
SilverSpot · 08/11/2017 12:03

Why should you have 'anything to show'? You haven't earned the money have you?

Sounds like you have had equal opportunities to education and work.

You don't mention children or disability.

Feel free to earn your own money if you want it.

SilverSpot · 08/11/2017 12:04

I can’t believe his parents (or he) made you sign a release if you are married!!!!

Shit loads of marriages end in divorce. It is wise to protect your assets.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2017 12:06

Because they’re a team Silver. Your post stinks of jealousy.

SilverSpot · 08/11/2017 12:31

@Mummyoflittledragon but they won't be a team if they split...

In what way has the OP helped her DH bring in that cash? Has she left sacrificed her own well paying career to travel to a new location? Has she gone PT or WFH to look after children?

If so, fair enough.

If not, how fucking entitled to think you have a claim over another persons money when you have every opportunity to earn it yourself.

I could never be in a relationship with a man who earn significant less than me for this very attitude.

gunsandbanjos · 08/11/2017 12:35

Are the 'tweenies' not children? Have I picked that up wrong?

Want2bSupermum · 08/11/2017 12:39

What I am hearing is that you want your own money. I get it. Is your DH in agreement for you to go back to work?

IcingSausage · 08/11/2017 12:40

I definitely read the op’s post as saying they have two children together.

BabyOrSanta · 08/11/2017 12:40

guns I thought the Tweenies would be children... it's not just you

timeisnotaline · 08/11/2017 12:43

Did silver not read as far as the op? Two Tweenies... hardly drip feeding.

IcingSausage · 08/11/2017 12:44

In what way has the OP helped her DH bring in that cash? ... Has she gone PT or WFH to look after children?

Er...yes?

Appuskidu · 08/11/2017 12:45

What I am hearing is that you want your own money. I get it. Is your DH in agreement for you to go back to work?

The OP says she already works full time, just that it's low wages.

gunsandbanjos · 08/11/2017 12:48

Glad it wasn't just me! However you are being unreasonable to use the word Tweenies...