Aubu to want to redistribute finances, and how?

[LyannaStarktheWolfMaid]

I'm late 30s. Been with OH forever. 2 Tweenies. OH is a high earner. Joint mortgage, small joint debts. I have a small earning full time WAH job, literally no pension. OH has a high wage and ridiculously generous pension. Joint finances. We have no savings. We're pretty happy, but I'm really conscious that all the eggs (so to speak) are in his basket, and if he chose to leave me, I'd have nothing, except a half share of the equity. I signed a release for his parent's contribution to our first house 12 years ago- that accounts for 30% of our equity. So all I have to show for 18 years is 35% of the equity of the current house. That's not much. What can I do? I'm not going anywhere. But my lack of options makes me feel trapped. I need a long term strategy to make me an equal financial partner in the relationship, bearing in mind that my earnings are about 1/3 of OH. Any advice gratefully received. I find it hard to feel complicit in the relationship when I know I have no escape route! OH is lovely but short termist, so doesn't understand how I feel.

Always worth contributing to a company pension, it’s a pay rise equivalent to whatever your employer will add. Plus it’s amazing how it adds up over the years. This would be a good starting point. After that improve your skills and get a better job. Plenty of time left to work.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to want this, you'd be the sole beneficiary!

Realistically, your DH is unlikely to want to cash in part of his pension (your only asset except for your home) to invest in a lower-return investment in your name. And that's fair enough.

Your options are:

• Start your own pension; always worthwhile
• Retrain / get a higher paid job; no reason you shouldn't do this now DH is established and the children are older. If you want to feel like an equal financial partner, you need to work as hard
• Cut back to enable household savings to go into an investment in your name; this might take a while if you have no savings currently

Leading on from that... In your shoes I'd start by doing some research into professions with high pensions that you are interested in, and plan to start a professional, high-return course next year. It won't be easy, but making lots of money rarely is.

Are the 'tweenies' not children? Have I picked that up wrong?

Ah I am not down with the lingo on what a tweenie is...

do start saving and do start a pension - it's good tax planning if nothing else.

Salad - why do you presume the op doesn’t work hard just because she is a low earner?

Tweenie is a term I have heard used to describe the inbetween child and teenager phase. So 9-12 year olds.

Fair enough. Don't know how I missed that!!!!

You have no savings because your DH has just started earning a higher income and you are paying debt back. DH earns a lot more than me. We have joint accounts and everything is shared.

We recently spent all our savings on a second home and are building ourselves back up again. We know it's short term so it's not been painful to cut back to basics. Would it make you feel better to have a couple of tight months now so you build up a cushion?

You are married so the pension is a joint asset and would be looked at if you did split

I would say that given you have not got any savings then you should both look overall at your outgoings and incomings

The fact that she has a WAH job would lead to the conclusion that is to faciliate the children

Op YABU if these are your kids

You don’t mention children. If you have none, why would you expect to be an equal financial partner if you are not contributing equally financially? I can understand the question if you have children as you want to know you can provide for them. But surely that would be a conversation for when you are ready to have children.

Sorry endof I meant 'if you want to feel like an equal financial partner, you will need to work hard.' I don't know if OP's job is hard or not.

If OP wants to build up assets, she needs to think long-term and strategically and that's likely to involve a lot of hours and training so will be hard work.

But you're married - I thought from uour opening post that you weren't.

You'd get a share of his pension if you divorced... for the very reason that it's recognised that, like all other 'assets', YOUR joint efforts in working within the family group helped build it!!

You'd also AT LEAST get half the value of the house. Probably more if your solicitor argued that you'd find it harder to build up assets as your career has been the one sacrificed. If you split when children were still small and they lived with you, you'd get more still.

It's not being married that is a problem.

One way to look at the money is: do both you and H have the same amount of 'spends'? You are married with DC, you are a family, and therefore, no matter who earns it, the money is family money. Once all bills are paid (including things like food shopping and stuff DC need like new shoes) then some of what is left over should be divided equally between you and H, to be spent on whatever you like.
It's unfortunately quite often the case for SAHMs that, even if the man agrees this in principal, everything the DC need comes out of the wife's spends (club subs, birthday presents for friends, treats), stuff like birthday gifts for other family members come out of the wife's spends, not the budget, etc...

Why don't you suggest you speak jointly with an IFA. It might be more tax efficient to save for a pension in your name too, depending on his earnings and his pension level. And it may reassure you more generally.

I have been in the same situation as you, and did divorce....you are in a MUCH stronger position than you realise!

Were you to split, you would be due:

Half of his Pension
Child Support
Child benefit (always allocated to mother)
Economic recompense for taking the lower paid career, to care for children
Your portion of the equity

Generally, this would be apportioned to the period of the marriage though, so regards his Pension, you may only be entitled to what he has amassed in the 4 years that you have been married (or obviously longer, if you were to split up several years from now)

Regards the pension, he would not sign this over to you, you would sell the marital home, and take your portion on hard cash, from his equity.

Example:

Sell house for £400,000
Mortgage is £100,000
Left in cash £300,000

His pension worth £100,000
Yours worth Zero

So, of the £300,000 left, his parents take their 3rd of £100,000, you then have £200,000 left. You take £150,000 (Your £100,000 equity plus £50,000 for half of the pension), and he gets £50,000.

SHL would make this happen for you. It cannot be contested.

Why should you have 'anything to show'? You haven't earned the money have you?Sounds like you have had equal opportunities to education and work

Thye have 2 kids, no way have they had equal opportunities. He has had opportunities because OP facilitated them and sacrificed her own.

Shouldn't have to explain something so startling obvious

OP, get independent legal and financial advice. This is not the place. There is lot's you can both do to make things fairer.

It sounds like you have chosen to have a nice little work at home job while your husband does most of the grind. Of course you're not going to have much to "show for it" if you've been riding on his coattails. Your kids are "tweenies", so there's been plenty of time for you to ditch the nice little hobby job and a get a better earning one.

I am in the same position than you.
My issue isntbthat much what if we get divorced.
My issue is what if he dies before me?
Because if he dies before me, (and hopefully I will then be well into my own retirement), I will be left with no pension at all. This is what is really scary for me.

I wouod approach it from that angle with your DH. What if he dies well before yu and you have no pension to live from. How are you going to survive?
I agree that the only way is build up a pension/get some savings/whatever other way you want to build your own pension -it doesn’t have to be through a pension skim.
But you also need to be clear that those saving are that, a pension and therefore CANNOT be touched, like you would with normal savings.

harsh what a lot of f** bollocks.

Sorry but really? The OP hasn’t been working hard and bla-bla-bla.
Since when a high paying job is for those who work hard and the not as well paid (or those who dint have a good pension associated with it) are for those who just cruse and don’t ‘grind it’

There are a hell of of reasons why one doesn’t have a good pension. And the company you are working for is the biggest one tbh.

It does mean though that you need to plan more for your pension that the lucky ones who have company doing that for them.

Fwiw I think a very good start is to put aside for your pension the same amount that is deduced from his salary. It won’t be matched up by your own company, but at least you wouod both be pitting the Salem, amount aside for a pension.

I have to say this post sounds incredibly grabby - you're married and therefore will get a fair settlement if necessary, why do you want specifics right now? If your only problem is his pension then I think the answer is obvious - start one.

More going on here I think.

Grabby? To want fairness and security? Calling women grabby for wanting those very basic things in life is just sexist wankery.

Are you willing to say what sort of work you do at the moment? It might be worth considering your skill set and what sort of jobs pay well in that area.

If your kids are now mostly self-sufficient, there's very little to stop you working your way towards a high-paid job too.

Odd as I explained in an earlier post, the issue is NOT if they are gett8ng divorced.
The issue will be when they are both retired and her DH dies. The OP will have nothing to live on bar the minimal state pension.
There is a big issue here to ensure she isn’t l do with nothing atvthat stage in her life.

Trafalgar if your DH has a good pension and dies before you then far from having no pension it is almost certainly the case that you would inherit his pension as his dependent and sole beneficiary. It is also the case that most company pensions have large life insurance elements built in which the DW would also benefit from (upwards of 3x salary is standard).

That said, in a similar position to the Op I would not feel comfortable without a "running away fund" in my name.

From a financial planning pov it can make sense for both spouses to have separate pension funds making best use of personal tax allowances in later life and separate ISA portfolios for similar reasons.

Always curious why someone feeling financially insecure would choose to work FT for so little money it does nothing to improve financial security?