Aubu to want to redistribute finances, and how?

[LyannaStarktheWolfMaid]

I'm late 30s. Been with OH forever. 2 Tweenies. OH is a high earner. Joint mortgage, small joint debts. I have a small earning full time WAH job, literally no pension. OH has a high wage and ridiculously generous pension. Joint finances. We have no savings. We're pretty happy, but I'm really conscious that all the eggs (so to speak) are in his basket, and if he chose to leave me, I'd have nothing, except a half share of the equity. I signed a release for his parent's contribution to our first house 12 years ago- that accounts for 30% of our equity. So all I have to show for 18 years is 35% of the equity of the current house. That's not much. What can I do? I'm not going anywhere. But my lack of options makes me feel trapped. I need a long term strategy to make me an equal financial partner in the relationship, bearing in mind that my earnings are about 1/3 of OH. Any advice gratefully received. I find it hard to feel complicit in the relationship when I know I have no escape route! OH is lovely but short termist, so doesn't understand how I feel.

You'd also AT LEAST get half the value of the house. Probably more if your solicitor argued that you'd find it harder to build up assets as your career has been the one sacrificed. If you split when children were still small and they lived with you, you'd get more still.

I wish people would stop promoting this MYTH

Hotbutter - genuinely not sexism, but he shares his salary and there's no indication that he doesn't so how is it unfair? Genuine question. It sounds grabby as she wants to redistribute his finances, not improve her own by starting her own pension.

Trafalgar - If she's worried about his death then do what everyone else does and get wills surely? She will be entitled to his pension anyway if he dies (my mum has claimed 3 of my late stepdads pensions after he died earlier this year).

If he's the one with the earnings, then it's inevitable that all the pension money will be in his name. A spouse can't claim (more than a negligible amount) of tax relief on a partners earnings.

I can see it might be an issue that he has control of this money when it starts being spent, but presumably the same is true of his salary now.

So I suppose the pension isn't the issue, the issue is how much does he control spending.

Child benefit (always allocated to mother)

Eh?

Thye have 2 kids, no way have they had equal opportunities. He has had opportunities because OP facilitated them and sacrificed her own.

The odds are that if anyone has made more sacrifices, it's her, but there's no inevitability that anyone has. It is perfectly possible for children to cost a working mother nothing in terms of loss of earnings or career impairment.

married people are entitled to a settlement on divorce, including half the pension (or similar) if you have been married a long time.

non-married people do not get divorced and are not entitled to anything under divorce law.

so being married makes a huge difference.

but if you have joint finances, is it just the house and pension you are worried about?

You have all the protection you'll realistically need by the fact you're married.

Wow! An unexpected reaction from some people! I have no intention of leaving or of getting a divorce, so not sure why my question sounds grabby!

OH does work hard, as do I. I work full time from home in a professional but not highly paid job in publishing, a decision we have made together to benefit the family, as it means that the children have not had to be in childcare. I had five years as a SAHP when the children were small, this has also influenced my low earnings as obviously my career progression during this time was halted.

I have always done the vast majority of the childcare, housework and all the many other menial tasks that are needed to run a household, and I continue to do so now while working full-time hours. These tasks are important too, the fact that I do them means that OH is free to continue to work at his well-paid job but demanding job. We have decided together to take on these roles because this is how we feel we are best able to have a financially stable household but well-managed household.

It seems unfair, I think, that the overall contribution I have made to the household as a whole (which I judge to be equal to OH, though different) results in such a lack of provision for any of the possible eventualities of the future, while OH is steadily building up a really decent retirement pot! And if one day we do have issues, I would like to be 100% sure that I don't have to choose to remain married because I am financially dependent on my husband.

Just to note, OH entirely agrees with me about this, we share the household money completely and he is definitely not trying to squirrel it away from me! It's just hard to find a solution that doesn't involve the household ending up with less money overall.

There are some great ideas here though, and its good to know that in the unlikely event of a breakup, that my contribution would be taken into account.

OP, my opinion is that you are contributing as much as he is, or maybe even more with children and household chores.

But I believe the question you need to ask yourself is why have you even considered thinking about what would happen if you’d split up? Something must’ve triggered it.

howabout a like insurrance of 3x Times the salary isn’t going to go very far though... not if you need a pension for the following 10 years or more.

Interesting though about the fact you would still have a pension if the spouse dies. Not sure if this wouod be the full amount though and I think the op might want to check what the pension policy is.

I think it was probably the dirty husband thread on here that triggered my thoughts this time! Everybody telling the OP to LTB, and I was thinking, well it isn't that easy, is it?! Though I have often thought of this before. The whole thing just strikes me as profoundly unfair!

Just to clarify 3x gross salary and would be tax free as is a life insurance payout. This would be in addition to pension built up at point of death (assuming defined contribution as Op is youngish and assume DH not public sector).

Other thing to check is that separate insurance is in place to pay off the mortgage in the event of death of either spouse.

Of course once DH is retired "death in service" life insurance is no more and provisions for surviving spouse are different and would need to be considered once a pension is being paid out.

DW work and pension death benefits are such that I'm better off with her dead than alive...

... strokes chin thoughtfully.

Depends on what kind of pension your husband has as to what it pays to you - you may get a lump sum of his contributions returned or a widows pension. I would say it is always worth having your own pension (no brainer if your employer matches your contribution) AND some savings. When someone dies their accounts are frozen, so it is helpful if possuble to have at least some small savings to tide you over. Also, look at where you stand with state pension contributions. You can no longer benefit from your partners contributions, it is all based on yours.

Start a private pension in your name and make sizable monthly payments. You r only going to get a portion of his pension if he dies

So you have jointly:
A house with equity in it.
Debts.

He has a pension.

Doesn't sound like there IS much to redistribute.

You have no indication he is hoarding his salary and keeping you or the children short.

If I were you I would start a private pension and get paying in the absolute maximum until the pension pot was built up.

Yes, that will reduce family spends but if you are worried about future security you'll have to make sacrifices now.

Also get the debts cleared and build up a pot of savings. You could have some in each individual names.

Also make sure you have life insurance and wills.

Please can I anyone advise - I’m separated. Ex acting like a teenager - motorbike dating sites - 2 kids 22 14 - lives in a studio. I’m higher earner but feel I need to be gone to support younger child. STBXH spends few hours a week with youngest. No weekends no overnights. I had to provide house on separation- how do I get something out of a divorce if I’m hugher earner bit paying for everything exceptfur contrubution of £150 pet month

@newbeginning18 click on 'Start a new thread in this topic' and write your thread, you'll get much more support that way.