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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Of course, he's an only child so totally spoilt... gets whatever he wants..."

69 replies

ipanemagirl · 15/04/2007 21:14

Am I being unreasonable to think this is an insensitive thing to say? It was said to us today by friends talking about another child. They know we have only ds and we were all listening when it was said. I think it's just such a cliche to say only children "are spoilt" as if it is as inevitable as girls like pink or something. I know quite a few children with sibs who are more spoilt that my ds!
[hurt emoticon]

OP posts:
colditz · 15/04/2007 21:16

I know, I know, it is a cliche, and how very very insensitive of her to say such a bitchy thing in front of you - or indeed, at all -

But, there is sometimes a distinct difference in the way an only child is raised. And I am not saying that that is a bad thing at all, but there is often a difference.

DrNortherner · 15/04/2007 21:17

no, I'd be fucked off too.

I have an only child and I am one too.

colditz · 15/04/2007 21:17

i do agree that it was nasty of her to say that though, she is probably jealous of the time you can afford to devote to your child.

DrNortherner · 15/04/2007 21:19

I would never say about a family with 3 plus kids 'Oh, xxxx is one of 3/4 and paraents never have time for him'

People put kids in boxes - only child/eldest/youngest/middle child etc etc. YOu can't win.

Hillllllllllary · 15/04/2007 21:20

No I dont think you can spoil a child, as long as they understnad and appreciate their things then thats fine. Its when parents give their child everything material instead of love and affection, thats when a child turns spoilt. I have two dd's they have everything under the sun, even went to M&P and my dd fell in love with the large rocking horse so I bought it for her, and when we went to the pet shop to buy a rabbit and she clicked with the most expensive bunny in the shop she got it. I can still take her out and if I say no she totllay accepts my anser and no more is said on the matter. No tantrums.

MuminBrum · 15/04/2007 21:21

Don't obsess about it. There are all sorts of cliches about every family shape and size and about children in every position in the family. Personally, as an eldest, I take a dim view of people who drivel on about bossy eldests! Anyway, if your friends thought your child fell into the same category as this other child, they wouldn't have said what they did about spoilt onlies.

JustUsTwo · 15/04/2007 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fireflyfairy2 · 15/04/2007 21:26

Well, I only really know of one family where the only child is totally spoilt.

The way I mean she is spoilt it:

She can be hateful to others & her mum will ignore it.

She sits with adults & listens to their cpnversations, & later repeats them or asks questions re@ conversation.... she is treated like a mini adult despite the fact she is 9.

She is rude & obnoxious to her mum but is let off with it as "It's a shame to shout at her, she is so intelligent, the only way she can express it is to be cheeky" Yeah whatever.

Anyway, the rest of the only children I know aren't like this girl, so I wouldn't be in a hurry to tar everyone with the same grubby brush

Blu · 15/04/2007 21:30

There may well be a difference, Colditz - but it doesn't imo or ime lead inescapably to totally spoilt - or, as you say a 'bad' thing of any kind.

Your friends were being lazy of thought and making ignorant generalisations - but they were also laying themslves wide open to having that pointed out - by you saying 'so is that how you view ds?'. If you didn't they are bloody lucky!

Blu · 15/04/2007 21:31

Firefly - and I know a little girl exactly like that, has been like it since she was about 4 - but it can't be the same child as the one I know has an older sibling.

PeachesMcLean · 15/04/2007 21:33

Blu said what I was thinking...

No it's not unreasonable to think it's insensitive.

paros · 15/04/2007 21:36

I have an only child . I call him enfant unique (sp) after reading the name on MN . I think only children get a bad name because its easier to blame it on being an only child rather than having indulgent parents .

edam · 15/04/2007 21:37

No, you are not unreasonable, it's downright rude, given they knew you were listening, and a lazy excuse for an opinion in any case.

Only children tend to get more attention from their parents, for obvious reasons, but then some children with siblings get lots of attention too. You know, those families where one child is obviously preferred to their sister or brother...

PinkTulips · 15/04/2007 21:37

i'm an only and i was the oposite of spoilt... my mom was a dragon with me and i only got toys at birthdays and xmas and never very expensive ones.

my 2 are far more spoilt than i ever was!

agree with Muminbrum, if they though it applied to your child they'd never have said it... they were probbly just trying to blame the child's behaviour on something tangible.

Hillary's got it right though a kid can be given everything under the sun and not be spoilt though as long as they're made to apprecite things. i 'spoil' dd with presents whenever we have money but if she asks for something in a shop and i say no she never, even in the midst of the terrible 2's, causes a fuss.

twentypence · 15/04/2007 21:38

I know a lot of only children whose parents are actually much tougher on them because they aren't distracted by a sibling, and probably also because they are worried about looking like they are spoiling them .

Smile and wave is my mantra in this situation. My best friend has 3 children under 5 and I love her house because it has noise and laughter and lots of baking and seems full of love. She loves my house because it's quiet and tidy. You can't have everything so count your blessings and ignore everyone else.

Hillllllllllary · 15/04/2007 21:39

I was totally spoilt when I was little, never did me any harm.

Furrymummy · 15/04/2007 21:45

Not at all! I am the eldest of three, and was totally spoilt by my nan, but turned out okay
On a more sinister note, one of my closest friends is a twin, her aunty totally spoilt her twin sister and ignored her. She was a very twisted person. Happily, both friend and her sister have turned out to be okay people, but my friend does have confidence issues and her sister can be a real brat at times!

Elasticwoman · 15/04/2007 21:48

So was Hitler, Hilllll, and he thought the same as you.

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 15/04/2007 21:50

of course - it wasn't meant to be rude, I'm sure they won't even have thought about it. It's just I'm a bit sensitive about it and wish people were too! I would have loved to have more but lost my only other pregnancy and it wasn't to be. I guess it doesn't help that the woman of this couple is 5 months pregnant and overwhelming in her celebration of it! I am of course happy for them... it's just poignant for me sometimes because I wish my ds had a sib to play with sometimes!
Just letting off steam really - I'm not really that bothered I just thought it was insensitive. Blu, I couldn't have said is that what you think of ds?" because I was a little shocked!
thanks for supportive posts

OP posts:
princesscc · 15/04/2007 21:55

Because of this kind of comment, I am harder on my dd, just to make sure that no-one has the opportunity to say it about her.

batters · 15/04/2007 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 15/04/2007 21:58

I think people feel they have a right to judge anyone whose family setup is different to their own.

I you have a small age gap between your children they feel sorry for the eldest because he hasn?t been allowed to be a baby for long enough. If you have a large age gap then the eldest has been on his/her own for so long that it seems unfair to bring another baby into the equasion. If you have three then the middle child is left out. And if you have an only child he must be a spoilt brat because he?s an only child.

And ultimately, people have their own reasons for why they choose the family setup they do.

I have an only child, but it isn?t through my choice, but due to fertility problems it is unlikely we will be able to have any more. But he?ll still be an only child, and people will still feel they have the right to judge me on that. Is he spoilt? Probably, but he certainly isn?t greedy and demanding of everything. My mum babysat at the weekend and took him to toysrus and offered to buy him a £34.99 lightening mcqueen car and he said ?no thank you?. Will people comment on the fact he?s an only child? Almost certainly, esp mil who has very strong views on the matter. Do I care? No, because ultimately whether I chose to have an only child or whether I had no choice but to have an only child is none of anyone else?s business.

princesscc · 15/04/2007 22:00

ipanemagirl - have you seen this thread, if you are feeling a bit down about having only one? There's a whole load of good reasons, as you will see!

batters · 15/04/2007 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 15/04/2007 22:59

thanks princess, and I'm not at all down about having only ds - it took forever even to have just him so I feel incredibly lucky.
It's just the jubilation of some very fertile people can be trying at times! I think the pg woman thing is hard for me sometimes because of the pg I lost that's all. I've actually got much better about the fertility around me. I only felt sensitive today when they said this thing about an only child which just seemed a little prejudiced really. But it is a pretty universal prejudice so I am fairly used to it.
Looking back, I was so happy when I got pg with ds that I'm sure I was utterly unbearable to any woman who didn't have a hundred children. I just couldn't believe my luck!

OP posts: