Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Of course, he's an only child so totally spoilt... gets whatever he wants..."

69 replies

ipanemagirl · 15/04/2007 21:14

Am I being unreasonable to think this is an insensitive thing to say? It was said to us today by friends talking about another child. They know we have only ds and we were all listening when it was said. I think it's just such a cliche to say only children "are spoilt" as if it is as inevitable as girls like pink or something. I know quite a few children with sibs who are more spoilt that my ds!
[hurt emoticon]

OP posts:
Hillllllllllary · 16/04/2007 09:34

Elasticwoman are you comparing me to Hitler?????? What a horrible thing to say.

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 10:37

ipanemagirl after reading your op I was about to reply and say that it doesn't matter if the child is an only child or not, if parents want to spoil their children they will.

my ds is an only child and is actually quite spoilt. if I had another I bet it wouldn't get half as much attention and leway as ds does. but that's just the way it goes for us.

I see there's a bit more to it with the friend being pregnant and you losing your other pregnancy.

I think you have every right to be a bit hurt by her comments. She sounds very insensitive tbh. Probably so wrapped up in her own pregnancy and family that she didn't stop to think that what she said would mean so much to you. So FWIW I don't think you're being unreasonable. Just understandably a bit sensitive

batters · 16/04/2007 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 16/04/2007 11:57

thanks a lot mlstar for your post, I think you're right - I just felt a bit hurt and wanted to let off steam - this is such a perfect place to do that! I actually don't like this woman very much at all and resented my dh for arranging the lunch in the first place without consulting with me first! Now that's another story!!!!

What I also think is that only children do make people feel a little uncomfortable somehow, it's as if they represent an untidyness in society! Lots of people are simply happier with the family that has two or more.

(Having said that, my sis had a hard time for having a big gap after two c and then having another - loads of people assumed her dd2 was an "accident" - quite rude really)

OP posts:
idlemum · 16/04/2007 12:06

I really sympathise with you Ipanema - I have an only dd and we strive not to spoil her and I genuinely believe that none of my friends would think she was spoiled and all the other cliches. She is overly sensitive to the run-of-the-mill teasing that other children go in for because they are used to it from siblings but the more she is exposed to it the better she is. One thing I have found ( and have noticed with other 'only' kids) is that she is far better at sharing things like food/sweets than her friends with siblings.

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 12:17

ipanemagirl this is definitely the perfect place to let off steam!

I understand what you mean too about some people being 'uncomfortable' with only children aswell - ever since ds was born all we've heard from friends and family is "so when's the next one coming"?!
It really annoys me actually! Should we then have to justify whatever age gap we choose, or explain or reasons for not wanting more, or go into fertility issues and how long we've been trying with no success, or explain that we've had a miscarriage....

handlemecarefully · 16/04/2007 12:21

I expect they said it unthinkingly and it wasn't meant as a barbed comment aimed at you. They probably do (rather daftly) genuinely believe this to an extent...but as you and other posters have pointed out, it is silly to assume that only child = spoilt. The key factor regarding whether a child is spoilt is the parenting style, not the number of children.

Idreamofdaleks · 16/04/2007 12:29

Having an only child is deeply fabulous in my experience.

Your friend was insensitive and used an ignorant, lazy and untrue stereotype. But I don't think she meant to upset you or insinuate that your child is spoilt.

I think only children are the opposite of untidy - far easier to accommodate into others arrangements than 2 or more children would be, and often happy in the company of adults as well as children so they are often flexible little souls.

Prejudice strikes from all over the place; if it helps I am sure that the parents of for example 2 boys get just as much if not more hurled at them

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 16/04/2007 12:36

You are not being unreasonable.

I was peeved when a neighbour of mine referred to DD1 (there was no sign of a DD2 at this time!) as a 'precious only'. There was nothing remotely precious about her, anything but, in fact. She was sociable, unspoilt and always happy to share anything she ever had. In fact, she relished every opportunity for the company of other children, and was always happy to be told what to do. In fact, DD2 is far more prone to tantrums than DD1 ever was, despite being given short shrift when she starts. All children have defining characteristics, despite their pecking order. My sisters are far more bossy than I am, and I am the eldest!

handlemecarefully · 16/04/2007 12:40

Can I say though...the one only child that I know...(spent some time with her on a joint holiday recently with our family), although a lovely, quite advanced, quite charming little girl did struggle a little when playing with my two in terms of taking turns and sharing.

However another thing I noticed, perhaps as a consequence of being an only child, she was socially very confident and forward and would readily strike up a conversation with other people (mine do too, but take some warming up first). Possibly she is more self reliant?

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 16/04/2007 12:41

Totally agree I dreamof - we all get on the end of someone's insensitivity all the time don't we?
It was just to let off steam really, and also to deflect from the fact that my lost pg is making me extra sensitive at the moment, it was quite awhile ago - so I am a little surprised how much pg women can make me feel sad! I think I keep thinking how well I've done and I'm adjusted to it and then, surprise, I feel thrown again. But of course that's just what any kind of loss can be like. I really appreciate this place where you can say this sort of thing, I just wouldn't be this open with family. There's a sell by date for some emotions isn't there in families? Not that I want to bring it up at all but it's nice to admit it here where it's so unjudgemental.

OP posts:
Idreamofdaleks · 16/04/2007 16:17

I think it is often like that when you have lost someone, suddenly the feelings come up to the surface and I can understand why this upset you in the circs

So sorry to hear that you have been through such a hard time

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 16/04/2007 19:51

thnx for that! But I don't think of it as a hard time any more, just very common for a lot of people really, most people have experienced a bereavement haven't they. Mostly I feel super lucky, just occasionally feel sad.

OP posts:
Blondilocks · 16/04/2007 19:52

I wouldn't say I spoil my DD any more than my friend does her 3 children. In fact, I think they are spoilt more than my DD!

Elasticwoman · 16/04/2007 22:41

Hilllllll- what you said about yourself wasn't exactly endearing either. And that was all I was commenting on.

Hilllary · 17/04/2007 10:48

Elasticwoman you are very rude, you obviously have not bothered to read the whole thread and I suggest you do so before throwing out such stupid comments.

LieselVentouse · 17/04/2007 11:25

Elasticwoman - you sound lovely

bozza · 17/04/2007 11:32

My DS was an only child for 3 years and has been a sibling for 3 years. I know lots of people with onlys, but in most case I think there are probably plans for more DC in the pipeline. Maybe, according to posts on here, it is because DS was an only for 3 years that he is so lovely at sharing, will save a sweet for DH when he comes home from work, will let DD have his last choc button, things like that. Whereas DD is nothing like that at all!

sunnysideup · 17/04/2007 14:01

I agree Bozza. I have a singleton, and he has always been really good at sharing; when his cousins came round in the holidays he bustled around getting them toys he thought they'd want from his toy boxes (he's 4). I think singletons CAN sometimes be better at sharing than those with siblings who are sick to the back teeth of not having anything that isn't prone to being pinched by siblings!

Ipanema, don't take this remark to heart, I'm pretty sure it wasn't a snidey dig at you - they'd have to be pretty horrible to mean it that way, wouldn't they...but it's very lazy thinking from them really. Just spouting what they've heard in the past with no real thought.

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 17/04/2007 14:14

thanks sunnys and I won't take it to heart. I think it's more about not really liking the woman of this couple very much and finding she is often insensitive!

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 17/04/2007 14:19

hmm, she doesn't sound the most thoughtful person in the world. I don't wonder you find her odd. To trot out this hackneyed and stereotypical view shows where she is on the thoughtful scale I think......

Original poster
ipanemagirl · 17/04/2007 14:36

actually my dh can't stand her, she always manages to irritate us when we meet. but we LOVE her dh - so what can you do? We're just not prepared to give him up because he's such a sweet heart.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 17/04/2007 15:10

Sorry if I took your admission of spoiltness out of context, Hillllllllllll. I'm sure you have never caused a world war or sported a tasteless moustache.

In the rudeness stakes you take some beating. I'll have to try harder.

kandi · 17/04/2007 15:15

What Hillllary said was not rude. It was a tounge-in-cheeck comment that only children can thrive from all the love their parents offer them. And no, I'm not an only child!

stleger · 17/04/2007 15:34

The most 'spoilt' child I know is a girl with 2 older brothers. People drivel on a lot, don't they!

Swipe left for the next trending thread