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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Of course, he's an only child so totally spoilt... gets whatever he wants..."

69 replies

ipanemagirl · 15/04/2007 21:14

Am I being unreasonable to think this is an insensitive thing to say? It was said to us today by friends talking about another child. They know we have only ds and we were all listening when it was said. I think it's just such a cliche to say only children "are spoilt" as if it is as inevitable as girls like pink or something. I know quite a few children with sibs who are more spoilt that my ds!
[hurt emoticon]

OP posts:

Hilllary · 17/04/2007 20:38

Elasticwoman you are priceless, If you are trying to have a personal dig at me then why dont you piss off and do it to someone else, since many others on this thread have had the same answer and vew as me I take it you are singling me out. You are trying to bully me and frankly its laughable.

If you read the MN guidelines you will see personal attack is not accepted, I will not stoop to your level and grant you with an arguement.

Hilllary · 17/04/2007 20:40

And My name is Hilllary, only my friends call me Hill.

Elasticwoman · 17/04/2007 20:42

Shouldn't that be off, Hillllll? According to MN guidelines?

Hilllary · 17/04/2007 20:43

In your case I'm sure they would make an acception.

Nightynight · 17/04/2007 20:50

oh come on elasticwoman - or should that be elassss?

I live in a culture that is built around 1 or 2 child families, and has developed to be very unfriendly to larger families. There are differences, for example 2 parents with one child can probably enforce a higher standard of good behaviour than 1 parent with 5 children. Because the 2 parent, 1 child families are in the majority here, bigger families are badly judged, as is childish boistorousness. It is expected that parents will help with childrens homework - again, a result of the small family culture. I tend to notice these differences, because our family is constantly being forced to squeeze into a shape that we aren't.
Not saying that one kind of family is better than another, but people often make it clear to me that they look down on us, for reasons that imo, come back to the fact that we are a big family not a 1-2 child family.

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 18/04/2007 09:38

I think that's a really good point, nightynight, I know I can be a bit overwhelmed by large families and sometimes feel they just tend to take over and push small families like ours out of the way! You know in play places etc. I also often feel looked down on by mothers with loads of kids, some say things like 'oh he's you're only one" as if we have a terminal illness or something!

I think we are surrounded by prejudices of every kind and it's good to hear what it's like from your point of view too.

OP posts:

Nightynight · 18/04/2007 14:09

lol ipanemagirl, maybe we should swop houses then!

Elasticwoman · 18/04/2007 19:02

Sorry Nightynight - not with you. I have not consciously expressed an opinion on family size on this or any other thread.

Nightynight · 18/04/2007 21:43

2 separate paras, 2 separate comments, should have left another blank line.

LowFatMilkshake · 18/04/2007 21:55

It is an insensitive thing to say. As an only child I went through my whole childhood being told I was spoilt, by aunts and uncles who had more than 1 child

In terms of love and affection yes I was spoilt. And so all children should be.

But material things... no way my mum became widowed when I was 6 and had to go to work leaving me to sort myself out for school by the time I was 8!

All my clothes were hand-me-downs from cousins born in the previous decade.

Christmas was a selection box and Bunty annual!

Hardly spoiled!

I now have 2 children and they are spoiled because I want them to have everything I never had.

Ditzymumofone · 18/04/2007 22:09

Hmm, people are so quick to judge you with one, or very quick to ask when's the next one, especially sodding MIL who knows the medical history (not the reason for not having another but made it hard) Have friends with two, three and one and quite honestly wouldn't swap places and have more. Its just society that guilt trips me all the time. I know close friends who have comment behind my back about 'only child' ? very funny as one of them has a vile second one! We are a happy unit of three, often have lots of others round and our one certainly isn't spoiled. In fact we are guitly of going the other way as we don't want to spoil!

Elasticwoman · 20/04/2007 15:16

I don't think being spoiled is anything to do with how many material things a child is given. A spoilt child, imo, whether an only or one of several, is one who is not taught to appreciate what they are given, or empathise with others. A spoilt child is one who is allowed to be the centre of the universe in which no one else matters.

Nightynight · 20/04/2007 20:21

to change the subject slightly,
when we are out and about, I often see parties of 4, 5 or 6 adults, with one child. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and parents go out for family outings with the one child family.

In contrast, I am out on my own, with my 4 children.

I can't help wondering how it affects the children, having such a different experience. Well, I can see that the single kids are better behaved, because any sign of trouble, all the adults swoop on them!

nappyaddict · 20/04/2007 20:38

very insensitive. my friend is an only child. yes she's very lucky in that her parents can afford to buy her lots of things but she's not spoilt about it. she doesn'texpect it. and she was a bit of a mircale because they were told they couldn't have children. after her they tried again but it just didn't happen. it wasn't their fault they couldn't have any more!

chocolattegirl · 20/04/2007 20:59

My dd is an only child and materially she can have anything within reason (I do put my foot down on a lot of issues which she more or less accepts) but at the same time she's not having the same experience as I had growing up as I had three siblings to knock my corners off me. In that way, I don't consider that my dd is spoilt. I think children within larger families get more collectively, not less.

MissMoopy · 19/03/2009 22:22

I am a proud Mummy of one lovely dd. We decided we wanted to offer our child everything she needs emotionally and materially, and I feel the best way to do that is to concentrate on her and her alone. Spoilt means giving a child, whether an only child or one of many, everything he or she asks for and not providing boundaries and discipline. It is a lazy and stupid assumption that only children are spoiled. I know many spoiled children, and very few are onlys!

BouncingTurtle · 19/03/2009 22:26

Old thread!

friday32 · 20/03/2009 15:53

my dd is anything but spoilt as she is 13yrs she has to do jobs round the house to get her pocket money.the mum that said that has no clue.

Lanky · 20/03/2009 16:03

A friend with two boys (who I hadn't seen since ds was born), who had met ds only once for five minutes commented, when I told her that he was upset about an issue at nursery: "well of course, he's an indulged only child". I was furious. I still am and this was over a year ago.

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