I'm an academic and I've dedicated 5 years of my life to getting here and DH wants me to leave my job....

[Choices123]

Just that really DH hates my job and wants me to leave. I have spent the last 3 years doing a PhD, which I completed early last year with no issues and was extremely lucky to walk straight into a permanent senior lectureship (like gold dust in my sector!). However the strain on universities now and what they expect from their staff is immense (or maybe it is just my institution?!). To do my job well (which is the only I way I want to work) I have to put in 50+ hours a week, often more, and continuously dart from stressful situation to stressful situation. I've seen a number of colleagues go off on long term stress and mental health problems, which sadly then increases the strain on the rest of the team. The thing is I love my job, I absolutely love it, I just don't like the amount of it I am supposed to do on a weekly basis.
Dh, quite rightly I feel, hates it, he feels it is impeding too much on our family time, quality of life and more than anything my emotional state - which impacts on me as a parent etc. He is extremely supportive at home and takes on 80% of the household stuff and children school runs etc. I've tried lowering my work load, seeking support from management etc and all to no avail. I'm expected to teach a ridiculous number of hours (with all the prep, assessment and marking that comes with that), oversee students well-being, provide students with one to one support, carry out high level research, generate income, publish high level academic articles, oh and of course write a book or two on the way.... Just not sure where to turn - stick it out and hope it gets easier, or go back to the career I had where I was on equal money, and closed my inbox down at 5pm each day, but I was unhappy!

Sorry, another time wasting post saying what an interesting thread this is!

Having done a degree at Cambridge graduating in 1991 and another at Reading graduating in 2011, I would say the changes have been mystifying. I think all the advice given has been good and hope you can stay in your job. Tbh I would refuse to engage with email discussions re work with students at all -they're supposed to be adults - but presumably I would be sacked.

OP has a husband who is doing more of the parenting and domestic work: that arrangement is very common the other way round. OP doing well at work will also benefit the family financially etc.

Sure but the husband isn't happy is he?

A prof / head of dept said to me just two weeks ago about a new colleague “she has to be careful this job will suck everything you give it and more and it never ends”.

To survive you just have to set boundaries.
We all know most tasks take longer than allocated for them but you need to draw a line somewhere.

These messages telling OP to quit and put her children first ... interesting how men never get these kind of comments.

Also re student feedback: there is a ton of empirical evidence showing that students rate female lecturers more harshly than make ones. I don't even pretend to care about it, and will only do so when my institution can convince me that this bias has somehow been addressed.

OP this is a really prescient dilemma of the modern age. I too really feel for you. I work in the private sector in a job that I also love, but that makes enormous demands on me and doesn't leave much left for myself and my family.

First of all, well done for getting an academic position. I was beginning to think they were figments of the imagination (I know a lot of people with PhDs)

I don't think you should give up. But I think you need to savagely protect your time.

The first thing to remember is that it's simply not possible to give what your employers want you to give to your job and also give your family what they need. Stop trying.

Absolutely aim for good enough and where you over deliver in one area, you need to under deliver somewhere else to compensate. Focus on what's important to your bosses. Be ruthless about your time and what you commit to. As has been pointed out on this thread, you need a clever strategy and you need to stick to it. If research is all that matters to your institution then do all you can to minimise the time and effort you spend on teaching.

Do not listen to those people on this thread that tell you that aiming for good enough isn't fair to your students. It is not your fault that academia is badly organised and underfunded. Do not take that responsibility on yourself, focus on what you need to survive in the job. Draw a line under the number of hours you work in a week.

I'm sure that like many women, it's ingrained in you to always do your best and over-deliver. Now you're realising that you can't do that without consequences to family life.

So forget about over-delivering. Be absolutely ruthless about the time and energy you devote to your job. Because it's yourself and your children that suffer otherwise.

My friend's dh is an academic, just been made prof, and she gets upset with the amount of time it takes put of their lives. He works everyday till at least 1am at home (he is involved in mealtime/ bedtime but can be distracted). Luckily he needs minimal sleep. She said he's always checking emails on holiday etc.

Just one other point, my husband has a great phrase about developing 'slopey shoulders'.

i.e. do not let others pile additional responsibilities on top of you, let these expectations slip off you and walk away.

I see people in my work place who are very accomplished at it. They are perfectly polite, but under no circumstances commit to things they don't want to do or that others are trying to offload.

Over specialising is to be avoided but there could be a better balance for teaching/research weightings than currently - partly the salaries and annual reviews are not responsive enough. It should be possible wine to have publication graces for having dc, being in the first 5 years of your career etc. so that people don’t get unnecessarily sidelined into one role.

It ought also be possible for a research active person to say they want to focus on teaching for 3 years/one REF period and have adjustments made. It’s so inflexible at the moment.

I would say the balance for you is not changing job (this is because dh is willing and able to take on lions share of home work, child care and emotional load) but an agreement that you will commit to

• being fully available to your family for 20 days + annual leave per year plus bank hols
• being fully available and engaged with husband and kids one weekend day and two evenings per week
• doing a share of chores (or outsourcing them)
• preserving your mental health and theirs

If you can't make it work for the family, then you will have to reassess your priorities.

Being good enough is the key always. I am pretty good but always followed this good enough principle, leave work when I need to, assume I have done enough, leave the children, assume I have done a good enough job with them, don't worry, don't sweat the small stuff and just keep on keeping on.

I wanted to come back and say thank you for all the responses, advice and messages. In some way it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this, but also the advice is really helpful.
Just to clarify re position, academia is a second career after I worked in my sector conducting research and publishing, I then went on to do PhD as part of funded project, hence then securing senior academic post. The university is probably upper third quartile in rankings and I think really struggling to find its own identity, research is pushed as a priority but reality is teaching dominates with lecturers generally teaching anything from 16-20+ hours a week.
Thank you again to all who took the time to respond, it helped throug( a couple of bad days.

Just wanted to add that you can end up publishing a lot (if not always in good positions) by collaborating, so that you can focus on smaller bits of research and spend less time on it.