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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about weekend away

82 replies

teaandcakeat8 · 05/11/2017 18:12

One of my parents has a significant birthday next year and wants to go on a city break to a popular European city to celebrate.

Obviously this will involve a flight and three night stay.

My parents are not short of money - probably have a combined income of 100k and no mortgage.

I have two siblings. One lives with his girlfriend so has a double income. They are comfortable.

Younger sibling still lives at home but earns a good salary and doesn't pay rent.

I am single, earn 31k but I live in London and have a mortgage which is a fairly big chunk of my monthly pay. Money is tight for me - if I go on a trip I usually plan far in advance and try to do this the most cost effective way - hostels, cheap attractions, offpeak flights etc.

Parents have picked a 5* hotel on a peak bank holiday weekend in mid summer when flights are also very expensive. They live in Yorkshire and also expect me to make my way there so that we can all fly together.

When I pointed out that I cannot afford this, they got very upset, as they want us to all stay together. I have asked if we could compromise on a cheaper hotel but no. They have also planned a lot of expensive touristy type trips which are all adding up to £££s.

So now after negotiating it looks like I will be staying in a hostel nearby whilst my siblings and parents stay in 5* all inclusive.

My AIBU is - are they being unreasonable to expect me to pay the full cost of the trip?
WIBU to just not go?

OP posts:
Smitff · 05/11/2017 19:03

I’m actually gobsmacked! Doesn’t happen often. I can’t believe your parents would have you do that.

Sorry, no helpful advice here as I imagine not going would have unpleasant consequences for you. What do your siblings think of this?

Viviennemary · 05/11/2017 19:04

Just say sorry count me out I can't afford it. Have a nice time. I certainly wouldn't stay in a hostel while they live it up in a 5* hotel. But wouldn't expect them to pay all my expenses either.

Oly5 · 05/11/2017 19:07

Tell them if they can pay for you you’ll go and point out that your sibling doesn’t pay rent. Then let them decide.
There is no way I would stay in a hostel while they’re in five star. And who would do that to their child?!

GabsAlot · 05/11/2017 19:08

sorry thy dont want you to fly out alon but wont even pay out for same hotel

whata bout sharing with your sis?

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 05/11/2017 19:10

Iwrite and tell them sorry but not going to happen. You have London priced bills and Mortgage, so spending your essential savings on a trip even for Dads birthday isn't a wise move.

eddielizzard · 05/11/2017 19:10

in our family we subsidise those who can't afford it. being a family means we share and make sure we're all generally ok. would never consider going away and letting one person stay in the hostel while the rest stayed in 5 hotel. that's awful. we'd compromise and stay in a 4, and subsidise the ones who are struggling.

i hope they see sense op.

Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 05/11/2017 19:18

Other sibling is my younger brother who is refusing to share (we're not close).

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 05/11/2017 19:18

That seems very unfair of them, if they are not helping you with the cost I wouldn't go

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 19:23

Look, tea, this is very simple, the problem is you are not seeing it as such because they control your thinking and behaviour with FOG. It is the height of pisstaking to expect this of you or anyone else for a birthday when you can afford to pay for it for them. It's weapons grade cuntiness and the 'negotiation' ending in you staying in a hostel whilst they lap up the luxury demonstrates very clearly to everyone else but you (who have been operating under FOG) that the only thing unreasonable is your agreeing to go in the first place.

You tell them, NO, I can't afford it, therefore I am not going.

Catalufa · 05/11/2017 19:23

I can’t believe they don’t want you to fly separately (at extra expense to you) but they’re ok with you staying in a hostel while they stay in a 5 star hotel Shock

Don’t go. It would be awful for you to be staying on your own in a hostel while they all stay in an all-inclusive 5-star hotel Sad

Ermm · 05/11/2017 19:31

Oh this is the kid of crap my family used to pull on me before I went No Contact. Literally no regard to my financial capacity whatsoever. I have dozens of similar examples.

Obviously its totally crap of them. And its totally okay for you to not go.

And indeed check out Stately Homes thread cause I’m going to guess this isnt the only shit they’ve pulled on you.

Just ugh.

kath6144 · 05/11/2017 19:40

I cant believe there are parents who act like this, when they obviously can afford not to! Why be tight with money and potentially leave lots to your DC on death? Surely it is better to get the joy of spending on your family when alive?

We are now at the stage (almost mid fifities) where we are very comfortable, our combined income is much less than your parents but we have considerable savings and investments, a mixture of being careful and from various windfalls, including inheritance as my parents no longer with us. Also not had a mortgage for years.

Our DC are still students so we still pay for holidays automatically, but even when they are older and working, I am sure we will still offer if they wish to join us, as we have got the means to do it. I would also never dream of treating them differently either, whatever their incomes and circumstances (had first hand experience of it, DB never worked and was bankrolled by parents).

I think you are DNBU to say you are not going.

A bachelor cousin of mine died 3 yrs ago, leaving his estate to cousins' DC, including one in Canada. He had £1.3mill in cash alone. And yet he had never been to Canada, even though he had mentioned wanting to, to other UK cousins. I still can't understand why not, when he had the means. As the saying goes - you can't take it with you...a good amount of his estate went to govt, and the rest to people, like my DC, who barely knew him.

Lethaldrizzle · 05/11/2017 19:47

I think they should have what ever kind of birthday they want! Although they could offer to help you out a bit, I think it would be really sad to miss out on such a special family ocassion.

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 19:50

'I think they should have what ever kind of birthday they want! Although they could offer to help you out a bit, I think it would be really sad to miss out on such a special family ocassion.'

I think it's terribly sad to expect your child to use her savings to prop up your overblown birthday expectations.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2017 19:53

Are you actually reading any replies ?

Just don't go

Sweetpea55 · 05/11/2017 19:58

Are they really so self centred that they are unable to comprehend that you can't afford it

StepAwayFromGoogle · 05/11/2017 20:07

OP, we had weekends away for both my Mum and Dad's 70ths. On both occasions my parents paid for everything - even when we tried to pay for stuff like lunch they wouldn't let us. I think that's the usual parent/child dynamic for a big occasion.

If you are brave enough, show them this thread! Or just say you are really struggling to afford to come and feel awful having to stay in a hostel while they are all together in a 5* hotel. So you're really sorry but they'll have to celebrate without you and you'll do something separate with them in the UK.

And I agree if I had the money and you were my sister, I'd help pay for you to go.

Fitzsimmons · 05/11/2017 20:12

Is there a back story to this OP? Are they normally so demanding of you? Are they used to you obeying their commands etc?

If so, take this as an opportunity to stand up for yourself once and for all and tell them you won't be going. You need to accept that this may have fundamental consequences for your relationship, but that this is the only reasonable course of action for you to take. They are being incredibly selfish and disrespectful to you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/11/2017 20:17

I really wouldn’t go. You can’t afford it, end of. Right charners they are!

Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 05/11/2017 20:44

Yes am reading the replies! If I don't go it will have an effect on our relationship undoubtedly. Trying to work out if there is any compromise to be had.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/11/2017 20:45

Kip on your parents floor for one night in their luxury accommodation Wink

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 21:06

' If I don't go it will have an effect on our relationship undoubtedly. Trying to work out if there is any compromise to be had.'

Yep, this is FOG talking. You really need to get on the Stately Homes threads. These parents are classic narcs. You are doing all the work here because you don't want to step on their toes - FOG. You either resign yourself to dancing to their tune, no matter what the consequence to you, for the rest of their lives or learning to stand up for yourself and look after your own interests first. They don't want to compromise! That's why they're okay with your staying in a fucking hostel whilst they stay in 5* luxury, insist that you go to Yorkshire to fly together, plan expensive holidays they try to force you to do. And you are still trying to put yourself out, at your own financial risk, to accommodate you.

You either roll over for them forever or learn to say, 'NO. I'm not doing that,' and if they strop, they strop.

rookiemere · 05/11/2017 21:21

Your relationship will be impacted if you go. Either you stay in the expensive hotel and seethe and fret about your lost savings or you stay in the hostel and wonder why your parents don’t value you enough to pay for a room.

Whatever happens your relationship is impacted - might as well go for the free option.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 05/11/2017 21:23

Really tea? You are willing to buy a relationship with your own parents?
It'll be at the expense of your own financial safety net.

Leeds2 · 05/11/2017 21:38

I wouldn't go on any holiday where I was expected to stay in a hostel, and everyone else was in a 5* hotel. No fun for you at all. Particularly if you are expected to take a share of, for example, meals eaten at said hotel. And how will any expenses be shared? Can you imagine one of your siblings suggesting that the costs be divided by three, so that mum and dad don't have to pay anything?
I would tell them that you have looked into it, and can't afford it. End of. Whether you have, or have not, got any savings is none of their business. If you have recently moved home, for all they know your savings could've been swallowed up in the move.
I would also make sure that I had had my mail redirected, or at least told my bank of the change of address.

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