To call time on one of my oldest friends

[FriedaAndDot]

We’ve been friends for 10 years. I’ve been single (through choice) the whole time. She’s been married the whole time.

Her husband and I cannot abide each other. I think he’s an abusive bastard at worst and a prick at best. He thinks I’m a bitter dried up single woman who wants his wife all to herself.

I’m July of last year friend turned up at my house with her two teenagers, 11pm and three suitcases. She had left him finally after a really bad year and she stayed for a week before going home. Since then I’ve helped with solicitors, finding a therapist, setting up direct debits etc.

About two months ago out of nowhere she suddenly went very cold with me. Literally apropos of nothing. She would occasionally text but very withheld and not herself. I reminded her a few weeks ago we have tickets for an event this weekend. She replied and said “oh I don’t think I’m going to go, have moved on from all that stuff these days lol, we all need to grow up eventually!” . FWIW it’s just a band and a few cocktails. Something that she is usually the driving force behind!

I’ve left it and not asked her what’s going on as I had a suspicion she was probably back in contact with her ex. And surprise surprise my other friend saw them this morning having breakfast in a local cafe and she was holding his hand.

I text her and said “you should have just said if you’re back with Y, instead of all this evasiveness, it’s not really my business but I don’t like being lied to”

She replied “well people reach different stages in their lives and realise that they need to grow up and grow as people, I’m not interested in the single life you have, I’m passed that now”

I’m sitting here slightly at all of it and cannot be bothered with all the drama.

This is why you shouldn’t ever take sides in a relationship breakdown, they get back together and then collectively turn on you!

I'd never contact her again. Really horrible of her to denigrate your life choices to justify her own.

I'm going to say, going on my past experience, that it takes a lot of mental energy to "try again" with an abuser. You have to look at the positives and keep seeing them to even consider it. My friend did this - she distanced herself from all of us who had been telling her to boot him out, he was an abustive wanker etc. - she needed to believe in him and his lies to stay with him.

I think the average is 6 times for someone to leave an abuser before they stay gone (Depending on circumstances) - how many times is this for your friend now?

So it may be that she's not "burning bridges" so much as "pulling the drawbridge up" so that she's not berated for her choices, or having his negative sides pointed out to her all the time - she hasn't the mental energy or processing capacity to deal with all of that at once.

I know you've pretty much cut her off, but please leave it so that she has the option to contact you again should she need to. You might be frustrated with her, but it's not your life at stake, it's hers.

I see both sides.
She's back with him and now when she thinks of you, she only feels negative emotions. You're a reminder that she's told you every single problem and needed you for support. She probably feels embarrassed, ashamed and so has gone into self-preservation mode. In justifying her choice, she's lashed out at you. Maybe her words were not a criticism of your life, though. Some women in codependent relationships genuinely can't see themselves without a partner- and that is sad.
On the other hand, and I see this all the time, friends who support others through bad relationships or break ups become too involved and take on almost a parent role. But she is an adult, she didn't need to tell you anything and she didn't lie. You were kind to her as friends should be, but kindness is not a transaction. There should be no terms and conditions.
In this case it's clear the friendship has ended on both sides, you're no longer able to offer support and she is in her bubble. But as the one in a better position, I wouldn't close the door completely in the unlikely event that she'll get back in touch.

It seems as though this woman has used you as a free personal therapist/Relate Counsellor
Cutting ties altogether is the best way forward. You have gone above and beyond for your friendship with her.
Be with genuine friends where there's a two way support system going for the both of you