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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call time on one of my oldest friends

79 replies

FriedaAndDot · 05/11/2017 00:20

We’ve been friends for 10 years. I’ve been single (through choice) the whole time. She’s been married the whole time.

Her husband and I cannot abide each other. I think he’s an abusive bastard at worst and a prick at best. He thinks I’m a bitter dried up single woman who wants his wife all to herself.

I’m July of last year friend turned up at my house with her two teenagers, 11pm and three suitcases. She had left him finally after a really bad year and she stayed for a week before going home. Since then I’ve helped with solicitors, finding a therapist, setting up direct debits etc.

About two months ago out of nowhere she suddenly went very cold with me. Literally apropos of nothing. She would occasionally text but very withheld and not herself. I reminded her a few weeks ago we have tickets for an event this weekend. She replied and said “oh I don’t think I’m going to go, have moved on from all that stuff these days lol, we all need to grow up eventually!” Hmm. FWIW it’s just a band and a few cocktails. Something that she is usually the driving force behind!

I’ve left it and not asked her what’s going on as I had a suspicion she was probably back in contact with her ex. And surprise surprise my other friend saw them this morning having breakfast in a local cafe and she was holding his hand.

I text her and said “you should have just said if you’re back with Y, instead of all this evasiveness, it’s not really my business but I don’t like being lied to”

She replied “well people reach different stages in their lives and realise that they need to grow up and grow as people, I’m not interested in the single life you have, I’m passed that now”

I’m sitting here slightly Hmm at all of it and cannot be bothered with all the drama.

This is why you shouldn’t ever take sides in a relationship breakdown, they get back together and then collectively turn on you!

OP posts:
Gingertam · 05/11/2017 12:16

Just don't contact her anymore. She's not a good friend. She probably will try to contact you in a years time when it's all gone pear shaped, but if I were you I wouldn't bother. What if you needed her now. Would she be there for you? Of course not. I'm sorry but implying you have a sad life would be the end for me. She has the sad life not you. Walk away.

Nannyplumbrocks · 05/11/2017 12:22

The text lazy... wrote is perfect, send thsr

Nannyplumbrocks · 05/11/2017 12:23

Sorry posted too soon.

Send that then leave it

Doobigetta · 05/11/2017 12:50

"I'm pretty happy with my life, and I'll be here when you're ready to take yours back. All the best until then x"

Oneggshellsallthetime · 05/11/2017 12:55

If I felt strongly enough I would vent in writing (pen and paper, not electonically in case, I had a brain fail and sent it either in error or a fit of pique) then destroy it, not send it - purely to get it off my chest. Then I'd text to let her know I understand her position As previous posters have suggested, I'd let her know I'd be there for her in the future - if I knew I would be prepared to be there with my support.

You know your friend and her situation so are probably right about the guilt and her going on the offensive. I would bet, a pound to a penny, that she may be regretting her text or at least be experiencing a huge sense of uncertainty about having put herself back in that situation, and the text was to protect herself from potential 'we told you so' in the future.

A short, open and non-judgemental text from you accepting her wishes is the best thing you can do for yourself (and her, if you still care about her).

If, however, what she has texted is truly how she feels about your friendship, then you won't have changed anything but have responded with dignity and you can carry on with your life without having ever to wonder if you did the right thing. You will have shown yourself to be the type of friend every one should hope to have and to be.

Short and kind is the way to go IMO. Better still, it's being kind to yourself. If you can be pragmatic about it once you are over the initial and understandable hurt you, will lessen the sting, soothe the hurt and continue on with the life you enjoy.

It's quite possible I live in La-La land of course, but I only know that's what I'd do if I were in your shoes.

TemptressofWaikiki · 05/11/2017 13:27

Sack her off. You were kind and put no pressure on her but she was unnecessary bitchy and mean.

mrsharrison · 05/11/2017 13:55

Ahhh123 i have been in an abusive relationship actually. It's not OP's role to take insults from anyone irrespective of their issues. I advise OP to put herself first. Enough is enough.
it wasnt my friends who saved me. It was me who did that when i finally had enough.

schoolgaterebel · 05/11/2017 14:11

I (would've the bigger person) and reply with:

'I'm so sad that hear you aren't interested in sharing my life with me and that you feel you have moved on. I sincerely hope it all works out for you and that you find the happiness you deserve. Stay happy and look after yourself'

And then possibly add 'I'm always here for you if you need me' .....Or not (depending on how pissed off you are)

It sounds like your friendship is all 'give' and you need to bow out now. I think her text is very unfair and quite unkind, but is obviously motivated by guilt and embarrassment as she knows she's making another huge mistake.

schoolgaterebel · 05/11/2017 14:11

*would be

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/11/2017 14:14

I think I’d just respond with Ok, well best of luck and then just leave it at that. There’s no point letting rip although I do understand why you’d feel hurt and annoyed. You know she’s making digs at your lifestyle in order to justify her decision to herself.

I don’t agree with those saying she needs you and that you must be there for her. You are neither the cause of her abusive relationship nor the person who can get her out of that. A friendship can’t be based just on one party’s needs current or future and as you’ve said you’re a person too. It’s too much for people to expect you to just ignore how she’s treated you and your own hurt in order to be on standby in case she needs you again in the future. In any case her message makes it clear that she’s stepping back from the friendship so really there isn’t anything for you to do right now. If she looks to pick things up again in the future you can decide then whether you want to but you are under no obligation.

Sometimes you get to a point where you’ve given all you can. It’s ok to decide you’re no longer able to be someone’s go to person and to put yourself first.

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 14:16

I agree with LaughingE and madreputa. I wouldn't bother contacting her again. There's no excuse for being so nasty and rude to a good friend.

Dustbunny1900 · 05/11/2017 14:19

Nah, you don’t need to take abuse and belittling and one-sided user nonsense just because she’s in an abusive relationship. And until she’s WELL out of that relationship w her head out of her ass I would drop it. You don’t deserve that.

LagunaBubbles · 05/11/2017 14:33

It's one thing being in an abusive relationship - and I do understand how hard ir can be to leave. But she is still a grown woman making a choice to go back and in the process be rude to a good friend. So no OP you don't need to put up with that.

Butterymuffin · 05/11/2017 14:38

OP doesn't have to be there 'unconditionally' for her friend. As pp have said, she's a person too. If she asked for OP's help in the future, it would be very kind and generous of OP to give that help but not obligatory. None of us have a right to a rescuer in life who has to be there no matter how badly we treat them.
I would send either Mrsknackered's text or Lazy's.

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/11/2017 14:45

If you could wind the clock back @shockers answer would be perfect but I suspect it’s too late now so

  • stand well back
  • don’t chase her
  • don’t chastise her
  • consider your friendship on indefinite hiatus
  • but should she ever need you be there for her (on the proviso you’re all ok and can handle history potentially repeating)
Sprogletsmuvva · 05/11/2017 15:09

+1 for OP shouldn’t have to give up her self-respect/ be treated like shit for the sake of the Poor Benighted Friend. It’s all very well people focusing on the attempts of someone to leave an abusive partner - but the mental health of those round them is just as worthy of consideration.*

In the old days, it genuinely was difficult for an abused escaping wife to survive without help from friends/relatives. Nowadays, while I don’t doubt it’s shit, she wouldn’t be starving on the streets.

*DP used to have a close friend who would phone up regularly raging and crying with the latest outrageous thing her partner had said/done. He was frankly a cocklodger, totally financially reliant on the friend. Not abusive but a massive twat. Friend was in her 50s with 2 previous DCs, so she wasn’t naive and no-one was benefitting. “Oh, but I love him!” After years of these phone calls, dragging us into her dramas and where nothing ever changed , and with other comments she’ d made about fearing a ‘boring ‘ life, I did rather disengage.

Original poster
FriedaAndDot · 05/11/2017 16:13

Yes it’s all very “but I love him”

Hard to swallow after sitting around for months listening to her list every past grievance, abuse and fault. Would be very disingenuous to then say “oh well whatever you want”

I refuse to be around this man, so the friendship kind of runs it’s course anyway. I will admit to being annoyed with her as she is a much better position that a lot of women leaving their husbands. She is independently wealthy and has a good job, a cleaner and a nanny. She won’t be down the jobcentre cap in hand.

I’ve unfollowed her on twitter and Facebook and won’t reply to any message in the short term.

Thanks for all the advice

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2017 16:28

Totally agree with your decision not to reply and step away from the drama.

LaughingElliot · 05/11/2017 18:20

She sounds ridiculous.

Now you have a space for a better friend OP

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 18:26

Good on you! Step back and look after yourself.

sweetbitter · 05/11/2017 18:47

I would be really cross with the patronising tone of that message and the previous ones too. As a childless by choice person it does give me the rage when my friends who have children make comments implying the childless life is less meaningful or less grown up or less selfless than having children.

However I guess we know it's her husband talking not her and he's just got her spouting his shit. I think probably you should take the high road and back off but try to say you'll be there for her in the future (if you still feel you can be).

Meandtwo · 05/11/2017 19:44

Screw her, abusive husband or not it's no excuse to be a nasty bitch to the one person who helped her in her time of need. Pathetic woman running back to him, let her go OP you don't need this "friend" in your life.

Dustbunny1900 · 05/11/2017 20:49

She’s independently wealthy yet YOU were taking care of the lawyers, therapists, etc? I hope she’s at least paid you back. Disgracefully ungrateful. Keep the door open my ass

Original poster
FriedaAndDot · 05/11/2017 21:40

I wasn’t taking care of them financially. Taking care of them by finding them, accompanying her to appointments etc. She has a whole damsel in distress thing going on.

OP posts:
missiondecision · 05/11/2017 21:53

Leave a light on for her.
One day she may need it.
Abusive relationships really are not free choice, it’s control and manipulation.
Be a friend, doesn’t have to be a close one for now.

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