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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call time on one of my oldest friends

79 replies

FriedaAndDot · 05/11/2017 00:20

We’ve been friends for 10 years. I’ve been single (through choice) the whole time. She’s been married the whole time.

Her husband and I cannot abide each other. I think he’s an abusive bastard at worst and a prick at best. He thinks I’m a bitter dried up single woman who wants his wife all to herself.

I’m July of last year friend turned up at my house with her two teenagers, 11pm and three suitcases. She had left him finally after a really bad year and she stayed for a week before going home. Since then I’ve helped with solicitors, finding a therapist, setting up direct debits etc.

About two months ago out of nowhere she suddenly went very cold with me. Literally apropos of nothing. She would occasionally text but very withheld and not herself. I reminded her a few weeks ago we have tickets for an event this weekend. She replied and said “oh I don’t think I’m going to go, have moved on from all that stuff these days lol, we all need to grow up eventually!” Hmm. FWIW it’s just a band and a few cocktails. Something that she is usually the driving force behind!

I’ve left it and not asked her what’s going on as I had a suspicion she was probably back in contact with her ex. And surprise surprise my other friend saw them this morning having breakfast in a local cafe and she was holding his hand.

I text her and said “you should have just said if you’re back with Y, instead of all this evasiveness, it’s not really my business but I don’t like being lied to”

She replied “well people reach different stages in their lives and realise that they need to grow up and grow as people, I’m not interested in the single life you have, I’m passed that now”

I’m sitting here slightly Hmm at all of it and cannot be bothered with all the drama.

This is why you shouldn’t ever take sides in a relationship breakdown, they get back together and then collectively turn on you!

OP posts:
Balaboosteh · 05/11/2017 08:39

She’s left the playground. It’s natural. Women’s friendships come and go like this according to circumstances. Happens to me all the time. I’m single too and often find myself mentoring woman friends through break ups and divorce in the way you have. You can’t be possessive though. It’s her choice, however infuriating that must be for you. Let her be for a while and see what happens. This isn’t the end of the story.

mygorgeousmilo · 05/11/2017 08:40

Sounds like my sister, now NC. She’s been in an abusive relationship for about 15 years, which reached the point where blaming other people and putting others down seems to be the only way she can get through the day. I would feel more sorry for her but she’s become such a nasty piece of work. I feel sorry for the kids. I think this is a pattern for abusers and their victims, they belittle and target the friends and family in order to further isolate them. The victim goes along with it to appease the abuser.

Mittens1969 · 05/11/2017 09:17

It does sound like you’ve been a great friend to her but there’s only so much you can do. I know you must be feeling hurt by what she’s said but I suspect she’s trying to convince herself that she’s made the right decision going back to her abuser.

Smeaton · 05/11/2017 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustbemad17 · 05/11/2017 09:30

Sounds like he has won her round again & she is feeling knocked. Been there, done that. Initial gut reaction from the outside is always along the lines 'idiot woman' but when you are part of that tangled heap of shit it is really difficult.

Take a deep breath, try & ignore the not so subtle, clearly coming from his trap comments about growing up etc. He will be working very hard now to make sure you stay at arms length. Send her a message saying something along the lines of 'as long as you are happy, that is all that matters. Please keep in touch, always here if you need anything'

Keep the door open; you may well be the only person who does. DV is very isolating.

thethoughtfox · 05/11/2017 09:38

She might be trying desperately to convince herself that her life isn't shit so is convincing herself that your life of being single, free and happy is now sad and lonely - possibly cause she isn't allowed to go out and have fun with friends any more.

JustDanceAddict · 05/11/2017 09:41

That’s sad for both of you. You need to now wait until she sees the light and leaves him/comes back for your support. Not sure what else you can do at the moment, maybe keep sending ‘hope you’re ok’ texts.

RosaRosaRose · 05/11/2017 09:47

mustbemad agree 100% this won't be her. He'll be on a charm offensive until he has her back in line and with no support network. I would send her a kind text. My friend stayed in the background for years until the day she rescued me from under his nose. I put up a facade for years and she was the only one who saw through it, while everyone else was pushed away. She may really need you one day, don't cut her off.

Wh1stles · 05/11/2017 09:53

Hard for you. When I finally left my abusive x one of the things I felt guilty about was the emotional rollercoaster i'd put my mother and at least one close friend through. But I had to wait until I knew that life could not possibly be any worse if I left before I left. So try not to judge her. Maybe she is trying to figure out if it would be possible for her to run a household pay childcare work live breath....... as a single mother with an x who would no doubt fight her hard in court.

Please don't cut her off. Just send something non - judgmental.

Something like ''it seems tough to make our friendship work right now but you'll ALWAYS be my friend and I'm here if you need me but I'll step back for now.x''

WineAndTiramisu · 05/11/2017 09:54

I'd send her a message saying you'll be there if she needs you, but then keep away. It's his voice not hers, try to remember that

Wh1stles · 05/11/2017 10:01

It is hard..FriedaAndDot obviously your life is not to be pitied and that's what terrifies her 'partner'. You have freedom and you make choices and that terrifies him, that she will be reminded of freedom's sweet gloss. So he grinds her down by portraying you as alone. She knows as she sits there listening to him droning on and on that you're not the one who is alone because you are allowed to have friends and talk to whomever you choose. I bet you all the tea in china she KNOWS that and envies you your strength. She's probably thinking that if she were stronger she could do it too, and berating herself for not being strong enough and independent enough to do it, and he'll be the one reminding her she's too weak to be a single parent.

I know why I didn't tell anybody. I know why I maintained the facade for as long as I did, because if you come right out and say 'he's abusive'' then people obviously tell you to leave. But where do you go, and do you have any money when you get there? It can take years to figure it out.

Ahhh1234 · 05/11/2017 10:03

laughing never said it was her responsibility, I was making a suggestion based on my experience. It's OP decision to take the advice or leave it.

SleepFreeZone · 05/11/2017 10:06

I would write something like 'Ah okay, I understand what's happened and I'll still be here with the kettle on once you decide to walk away from him permanently. Take care of yourself xx'

DaemonPantalaemon · 05/11/2017 10:10

I know what’s happened, shes aware that I and a few other people invested a lot in helping her, she feels guilty for going back so she’s gone on the offensive and burnt her bridges first

You have read the situation perfectly. She is lashing out at you because she needs to justify her actions. I would not reply, and leave her to it. You have been a good friend. It is a pity she needs to denigrate your life choices in order to justify her own. Leave her to it.

SnowBallsAreHere · 05/11/2017 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shockers · 05/11/2017 10:19

'I love my life; you don't need to. Always here if you need me. Keep safe. Love you.'

LazyDailyMailJournos · 05/11/2017 10:25

I'd send her:

I don't need you to validate my life choices for me, I'm happy with the way that things are. I also know that friends don't look down on each other, so there's no need for you to raise yourself up at my expense. My door will always be open for you if you need it.

And then leave it alone. You can't change, control or cure what's going on.

CamperVamp · 05/11/2017 10:26

“shes aware that I and a few other people invested a lot in helping her, she feels guilty for going back so she’s gone on the offensive and burnt her bridges first”

I think this is why the advice from Women’s Aid to people who have a friend in an abusive relationship is NOT to urge them to leave, not to pressure them if they stay, or go back, but just stay alongside and support and listen.

She is probably in denial, having to pretend to her very self that she has done the right thing in going back, so talking herself into this ‘moving on’ narrative.

If she is self-sabotaging in the way you suspect, then I would send a text saying something like “Ok, lives change but some things remain unconditional. Mine is if you ever really need me I will be here. Good luck” .

I have not been in an abusive relationship myself but I can see that one of the most insidious things is that it takes away all the mechanisms that a woman would need to rescue herself. Friends, self respect, perspective on reality and the truth of the situation, confidence, self belief, etc etc.

V sad situation.

Madreputa · 05/11/2017 10:33

I wouldn't give a shit about her. She is incredibly rude and ungrateful for the friendship you've had. Cut her out completely and don't answer the rude text she sent you.
Someone before suggested you send her a text to wish her luck and that you'll be always be there to help her if she needs it. Well, fuck that! Who in their right mind would help an ungrateful, lying nasty cunt? I wouldn't even acknowledge her presence if I bumped into her.

VirginMeDear · 05/11/2017 10:34

I think the best thing to do is to keep your door open, but give her the distance she wants at the moment.

There is a statistic somewhere that it takes the average woman in an abusive relationship 7 or 8 times of leaving their partner to actually leave for good (something along those lines).

If she is a dear friend, I'd be inclined to let her know that you still care about her and class her as a friend, and to get in touch if she wants to talk or meet up. Doesn't mean you have to accept her snide remarks about your single status, but I would be wary of getting into a spat about them, as she is pretty obviously being manipulated by this guy and his nasty views. Better to say something neutral and assertive in response 'we all live our lives in our own way' or whatever.

Madreputa · 05/11/2017 11:08

I don't see why everybody makes up excuses for this woman, that she is being manipulated etc..she is a grown woman and not a child who is being controlled. If she lets herself be controlled and manipulated that is her choice and her decision. She was being rude to OP, dismissed her and her lifestyle completely. It is entirely her fault and cannot be blamed on her husband. Keep the door open to her my ass! Who needs friends like this?

whoareyoukidding · 05/11/2017 11:25

I am afraid that a lot of you are nicer than me. He has forced her to 'choose' and she has done so. I would wash my hands of her, at least for now. In a year or two, there may be a change but that's something to think about in the future.

Wh1stles · 05/11/2017 12:03

It's not a choice in that sense. It's about survival.

Obviously when you've left you realise that that survival was an anaesthetised survival but at the time, it feels too overwhelming and impossible to survive (especially as a single parent to more than one dependent child). You also have to bear in mind that when you're with an abuser there is a facade (can't do cedillas on this keyboard) of being a unit. Once you leave the abuser, he will destroy you.

Wh1stles · 05/11/2017 12:07

madreputa pozo seco, lovely screen name, lovely post from a lovely human being.

Wishingandwaiting · 05/11/2017 12:15

It sounds like she’s already called time on the friendship.