Girls In Boys Clothes, Rather Than Gender Neutral

[Stardust12]

Hi, I'm just looking for some friendly (please be kind) advice to give a friend. We both have two children, me -a D.D. (5), then a D.S. (2). With my Friend it's the other way around but our kids are the same ages. When my D.D. grew out of her clothes I passed them on apart from a few gender neutral items I kept for my D.S., esp newborn stuff, as we didn't find out what we were having. My friend found out she was having a girl but nearly always puts her in her bro's clothes. A lot of the time they're very faded and stained and quite drab colours but the issue is people mistake her for a boy as she has very short hair and this really upsets my friend. I've tried passing on my D.D.'s clothes to her but she very rarely puts her in them, even though they're all pretty yet practical (pastel and rainbow-coloured, mostly supermarket and Next, tops and leggings). I know people have different tastes but recently we went to a mutual friend's D.S's Christening and we were both Godparents and she put her D.D. in something really scruffy. My Sister has broached the subject with her once but she says her "D.D. doesn't like to wear pink." I don't think I've given her one pink thing! My D.D. loves pink but I know not everyone wants their D.D. in it. Can a just turned 2 year-old express an opinion already like that? Anyway, please don't think I'm being horrible and shallow. I hate to see my friend upset but not sure what to say/do. Please any nice advice would be appreciated.

conscious not conciliatory!

I might be totally way out, but could it be that her partner insists on the child being dressed this way, for some weird control-freak reason?
If so, it's very understandable that the mother would be upset about her girl being thought to be a boy.

TittyGolightly being correctly identified as female does not mean one needs to perpetuate sexist behaviour, at all.

Being constantly confused as the opposite sex may well be harmful for young people or children.

The answer to me is not to pretend that girls and boys do not exist, or (as in this case) for girls to be assumed to be boys; but for all people to be valued and ttrayrd equally. If one has to be assjmrd to be make to be treated equally that is far more harmful than being identified, correctly, as female.

I'm equally astounded and I can't imagine why anyone would want to promote their child being misidentified.

assumed to be male to be treated equally...

I'd be mote concerned that DS gets new clothes and DD gets whatever stained clothes she can be bothered to dig out. Dressing your kids in stained clothes isn't a badge of honour. Charity shops sell unstained basics for next to nothing.

Next time you have clothes to off load ask her if she definitely wants them as you never see her wear them
Next time she's crying over someone calling her daughter a boy, nicely point out she still has short hair and most people guess based on hair and clothes.

Maybe she doesn't like your clothes or doesn't like hand me downs from others. I put my dd in ds old stuff-love seeing her in things he wore, it makes me feel all warm & fuzzy.

I get loads of hand me downs from a friend who has a lot of 'character' stuff which I hate & rarely put dd in. There's so much stuff though that she can wear plenty of the other things I like.

Are you sure you're understanding her upset? I was annoyed that my dd's hair was so short age 2-maybe that frustrates her. Whatever, there's really no need to say anything. She probably doesn't care but was having one of those days-I've cried over less at times, e.g. When Sainsburys was out of red grapefruit. It's not that big a deal, I was just having a bad day & feeling sensitive!

I'm equally astounded and I can't imagine why anyone would want to promote their child being misidentified.

I’m questioning why they need to be identified - especially by strangers - at all. It shouldn’t make any difference whether a child is male or female. We know that babies and children are treated differently when their sex is identified. We know that to be harmful. So why continue to feed the stereotypes and limitation of both sexes by insisting their sex be obvious to anyone that sees them?

Alternatively, perhaps you could suggest some ways in which it benefits children for their sex to be identified by all and sundry.

TittyGolightly this E are fair points but if women or firms get treated faurjy only when not identified as female I feel in the long run it is more harmful.

I annoy against unisex clothes.

I am not against adults or children chosing to wear what they want.

Why do strangers need to know if we are make or female, they do not.

However, I think 'strangers' ( like the person at the bus stop), or friends, who repeatedly identify girls as boys or vice versa may send harmful messages.

These are...

These are fair points but if women or girls get treated fairly only when not...

Sorry, on phone!

However, I think 'strangers' ( like the person at the bus stop), or friends, who repeatedly identify girls as boys or vice versa may send harmful messages.

Such as?

Your comment reads as though it’s important for girls and boys to be correctly identifiable. There is no biological basis for this. So in what way is it important?

I asked my then 6 year old what the difference was between the girls in her class and the boys. She thought for a while and responded “the boys pee standing up”. And surely that’s exactly how it should be? Anything else is segregation and potentially excludes one group of children from activities the others would be allowed to enjoy.

I remember when DD was about 2, on a trip to the toy shop she chose a toy laptop. A grey one “like daddy’s”. The woman at the counter kept trying to persuade her to swap to the pink version. DD point blank refused. To this day I don’t know what the point of that pink toy laptop was. It’s hardly representative of proper ones!

I’ve seen pink globes for sale recently. Last time I checked the Earth wasn’t all pink. What’s the purpose of those?

Not being correctly identified as female may make girls feel bad about themselves, like there is something wrong with them.

If people were constantly calling me sir I would not like it. There is a wrongful assumption that if we don't know the sex of someone or something (animal, insect) they must be make. Totty, you may not do it but many do.

Totty I think it is helpful for children not to be identified wrongly by the wrong sex. It Doran't matter for babies as they cannot yet understand. The mother in this case is upset for daughter to wrongfully identified as female.

I don't agree with pink for girls or 'gendered' toys, or girls' pink Lego, rtf. Quite the opposite. But not being able to identified as female is not a gift to a child who is female.part of our understanding of ourselves is how others see us.

None of this has to do with hobbies or pink or toys. It has to do with people thinking a child is a boy and addressing them as a boy when they are.it's not empowering for girls to be thought to be boys, IMHO.

Be male

Wrongfully dentified as male

Sorry my phone is going mad!

I mean... It has to do with people thinking a child is a boy and addressing them as a boy when they are not. It's not empowering for girls to be thought to be boys, IMHO.

To the two year old owners- how do you get them in clothes let alone choosing them?! Even though it’s minus elevenmillionty, mine would still rather be naked 😂

baffledcoconut as soon as we walk in the door from anywhere mine shouts ‘it’s naked o clock’ and takes all her clothes off!

So a child that has a preference for clothes and personal styling that we socially attribute to the other sex and is therefore often misidentified is harmed by this misidentification? What utter bollocks! If true it would oblige us as parents to prevent the harm by steering this child towards other forms of dress or personal styling. "Wear more pink and grow your hair long with a bow in it, so people instantly realize you are a girl" is a ridiculous statement that, amongst other things, pigeonholes girls and boys into certain ways of being and expressing themselves.

Booboostwo "So a child that has a preference for clothes ..." There is no suggestion this child has a preference for these clothes. The suggestion is here that the mum chooses these clothes. If a child chooses clothes for themselves it's very different IMHO. I think I made that clear up thread.

"pigeonholes girls and boys into certain ways of being and expressing themselves." Clearly if a parent is choosing a child's clothes that is not the same as a person making choices themselves.

Italiangreyhound so a child is harmed if misidentified but only if the parent has chosen the clothing? If the child has chosen the clothing themselves then they are not harmed by being misidentified? That is even more rubbish than before.

To be harmed is to be adversely affected. For a child be be harmed by being misidentified they would have to be adversely affected by the misidentification. "What a lovely little boy!" followed by "Thank you. She's a girl actually" doesn't harm anyone.

baffledcoconut sheer luck! mine have always disliked being cold - maybe because the house is always hot, and even moaned if they didn't get dressed quick enough after the bath (and our bathroom is always boiling!)

I don't really understand the big deal here. I don't agree or follow the "gender neutral" fashion, my kids did not like being mistaken for the other gender. I had boy then girl, so my daughters wore boys hand-me down from their brothers, but with a "girly" touch somewhere (pink bow on the cardigan, pink things in their hair. It's never been an issue.

It would have been much harder for the boys to wear hand-me downs from their sisters

coddiwomble why would it have been much harder for your boys to wear hand me downs from their sisters? Don't your DDs wear trousers, shorts, tops, jumpers, coats, etc? My DS wears DD's old clothes and they often buy the same item in two different sizes, at the moment they both have two black leather jackets with flower embroidery and two salmon pink rain coats. They chose both together and love wearing them at the same time (IMO both items are hideous for either sex and matchy-matchy is lame, but their choice not mine).