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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls In Boys Clothes, Rather Than Gender Neutral

90 replies

Stardust12 · 04/11/2017 23:21

Hi, I'm just looking for some friendly (please be kind) advice to give a friend. We both have two children, me -a D.D. (5), then a D.S. (2). With my Friend it's the other way around but our kids are the same ages. When my D.D. grew out of her clothes I passed them on apart from a few gender neutral items I kept for my D.S., esp newborn stuff, as we didn't find out what we were having. My friend found out she was having a girl but nearly always puts her in her bro's clothes. A lot of the time they're very faded and stained and quite drab colours but the issue is people mistake her for a boy as she has very short hair and this really upsets my friend. I've tried passing on my D.D.'s clothes to her but she very rarely puts her in them, even though they're all pretty yet practical (pastel and rainbow-coloured, mostly supermarket and Next, tops and leggings). I know people have different tastes but recently we went to a mutual friend's D.S's Christening and we were both Godparents and she put her D.D. in something really scruffy. My Sister has broached the subject with her once but she says her "D.D. doesn't like to wear pink." I don't think I've given her one pink thing! My D.D. loves pink but I know not everyone wants their D.D. in it. Can a just turned 2 year-old express an opinion already like that? Anyway, please don't think I'm being horrible and shallow. I hate to see my friend upset but not sure what to say/do. Please any nice advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
DayManChampionOfTheSun · 06/11/2017 20:02

Ecureuil oh I love Navy on children! If we eventually get pg I am deffo getting a navy pram no matter what the sex!

TittyGolightly · 06/11/2017 20:02

Because mothers get v offended if you refer to their child as a boy when she is a girl and vv. This applies to adults, too. I've never met a woman who is happy to be mistaken for a man or vv. Sexual identity matters, whether you want it to or not.

Don’t you think men and women/girls and boys should be treated equally by strangers?

rightknockered · 06/11/2017 20:05

My dd at that age refused to wear dresses or anything fussy. Then went through a phase of wanting to wear the girlies clothes and clips in her hair. Now at age 8 she'd rather wear things that don't impede movement and prefers boys clothes, even boys shoes. Kids make up their own minds.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 06/11/2017 20:07

Don’t you think men and women/girls and boys should be treated equally by strangers?

Yes I do but I still wouldn’t want to be called ‘Mr’ when I am infact a ‘Miss’

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 06/11/2017 20:09

^^ I do still think on babies and children it is stupid to care. I just meant in relation to being an adult

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/11/2017 20:09

So you correct them and move on.

It's only rude if they repeatedly call you something else.

Other than that I'm sure we have all made a mistake when addressing someone

Booboostwo · 06/11/2017 20:17

My DD was often mistaken for a boy and my DS for a girl, I wasn't in the least bothered. They were the same clothes, mainly the ones DD chose as she was very particular about her clothes from 2yo onwards and then DS inherited them all (plus anything with a dinosaur on it which has been his personal, stylistic contribution to the pink, glitter overload that was DD's style).

GreenTulips · 06/11/2017 20:28

The issue is my friend has been in tears several times now because people think her girl is a boy

Then she needs to address the issue
Dress her in pink head to toe or get a thicker skin

Ask her why it bothers her and why she doesn't dress the child in pretty pink if it bothers that much

DD was often mistaken for a boy - I don't care one way or the other

Original poster
Stardust12 · 06/11/2017 21:28

Whoa. When I put my first message on and asked for people's thoughts and to also be kind, I really didn't expect there would be this many responses! I've never asked for advice on here before and I don't think I will for a while on any matters. I'm respectful of other people's opinions but I feel there's some trolling happening here. Thank you though to those who were kind enough to understand how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardust12 · 06/11/2017 21:31

In response to GreenTulips I have asked but my friend says she wants to dress her D.D. in whatever she likes.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 06/11/2017 21:31

People on worldwide web in alternate view shocker. 😱

Original poster
Stardust12 · 06/11/2017 21:36

In response to Booboostwo, yay, I love dinosaurs. My D.D. and D.S. have dinosaur stuff. It's funny I never minded people thinking my D.S. was a girl but I guess when it's the other way around, although I didn't mind too much, it still felt a bit strange, lol.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 06/11/2017 21:42

Your friend needs to get a fucking grip. I cannot believe anyone would cry because their child is mistaken for the wrong sex much less that the same person chooses to dress her child in stuff that makes it harder for people to identify the sex

OP, I'm thinking AIBU maybe you isn't the right place if you are after 'kind responses only' Shock

outedmyselfagain · 06/11/2017 21:49

Maybe she’s not upset people think her daughter is a girl, maybe it’s something more than that. Maybe she would like to be able to choose her own slightly more girly things for her daughter but money is tight or something like that.

There is something to be said for stains being your own. My littlest had a tshirt we both loved and he got silver paint on it at a playgroup. If I’d been given a tshirt with that stain on it would have gone straight in the bin. As it was, he wore it every week to playgroup till he outgrew it (If they will be silly enough to have silver paint out in a playgroup, I’ll learn my lesson and only trash one tee).

I also find that I have very particular tastes. Some very lovely friends have given us some handmedowns and said to either use it or give it to a charity shop. About 90% goes to a charity shop as it’s just not to my taste and I wouldn’t put them in it. It’s possible you don’t have the same taste.

I agree it’s odd that she’s upset about people mistaking her dd for a ds, but if passing on girls clothing doesn’t help then the only thing you can do is to ask a few more questions to see if you can find out where exactly the problem lies. Or just leave her to it.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/11/2017 23:15

Someone once mistook one of my sons for a girl. She correctly identified his identical twin brother as a boy though. It was highly amusing, we had a laugh although she was initially embarrassed.

OP your friend's response is not normal unless she's admitted she knows it's daft but they are short of cash or something. If she's bothered by it, she could buy plain stuff from the girls section which is overflowing with frills and pink and glitter. You can buy trousers and shorts and tops that are very clearly 'for girls'. If she's genuinely upset then there must be something else going on.

Pennypickle · 07/11/2017 23:23

If your friend really is upset about Joe Public mistaking her DD for a boy she needs to dress her DD in more girly stuff.

Saying that my DD was very much into Thomas the Tank Engine clothing when she was about 2. DD was happy. I couldn't give a toss what people thought tbh. But if your friend is upset by it she needs to make changes

Atenco · 08/11/2017 02:52

My dd started to refuse to wear things she didn't like at 18 months, she'd whip them off as fast as I put them on.

Italiangreyhound · 08/11/2017 03:02

OP it's your call, say something or don't. But I would feel that I needed to say something. Something like, very young children do all look pretty much alike in terms of being male or female. If it upsets her that people think her dd is a boy she should stop dressing her in boy's clothes!

MrsOverTheRoad that's pretty rude. It's clear the OP and this other mum are good friends. Caring about your friends is not being nosy, especially when that friend involves you in their own situation.

Italiangreyhound · 08/11/2017 03:09

TittyGolightly "Don’t you think men and women/girls and boys should be treated equally by strangers?"

Being called a male when you are female or vice versa is not about how one is treated.

Stardust12 "In response to GreenTulips I have asked but my friend says she wants to dress her D.D. in whatever she likes." Did you join the dots for her and explain that that is the reason people are identifying her child as a boy? I'd stop listening to her moan about it, the answer is in her hands. She doesn't need to dress them in head to toe in pink. My dd has worn trousers for years, never dresses or skirts. But she doesn't wear her male cousin hand-me-downs. She could if she wanted to, I wouldn't mind at all.

My dd was once dressed all in pink, (aged about one) and a man at a train station repeatedly said "What a lovely little fellow he is!"

Mxyzptlk · 08/11/2017 03:26

I wonder if your friend is feeling that she must 'get her money's worth' out of her DS's clothes and isn't realising that she doesn't have to do this?
Being in tears about people getting her child's gender wrong seems a bit of an extreme reaction and I wonder if she is depressed.
Is that something you could speak to her about, without mentioning the child's clothes?

Isetan · 08/11/2017 05:27

You don’t have to do or say anything. I’m assuming your friend has more than brain cell, if it bothers her that much she will either correct people or dress her child differently. Ignore the ‘look at me, I’m so hard done by tears’.

sashh · 08/11/2017 06:01

I can imagine a 2 year old wants to look like her big brother and there is nothing wrong with that.

TittyGolightly · 08/11/2017 07:29

Being called a male when you are female or vice versa is not about how one is treated.

We know that babies and children are routinely treated differently - by parents, teachers and strangers - based on their sex (it often starts even before birth). Different language, toys, types of play and expectations are applied. We also know that this is harmful, both to individual children and to society generally.

So why anyone would want to perpetuate that astounds me.

(BBC’s “no more girls and boys” goes a lot further.)

DelphiniumBlue · 08/11/2017 07:40

Hang on, have I got this right? Your friend is frequently so upset that she cries over the fact that strangers sometimes mistake her daughter for s boy? But she refuses to dress her in anything remotely girly, although she has such clothes, and keeps her hair short?
There's something else going on, either she's got other problems which make her cry but she's blaming her upset on this issue; or she's a drama queen creating her own problems.
She could very easily put her daughter in girly clothes; if she doesn't, it would suggest that she actually doesn't mind if she's mistaken for a boy. I just don't see that this is something to cry about.

Italiangreyhound · 08/11/2017 09:42

I agree with Mxyzptlk that your friend may be depressed. Crying in this situation is ott I think.

My own 'theory' is thatvmaybr she cannot cope with how quickly her first born is growing and dressing her younger child in his clothes, when she has non-strained, non-tatty clothes (from you) that she could use, seems like a conciliatory thing.

I partially wanted my second child to be a girl too because I was struggling with how quickly dd grew up! My second child was a boy and I never worry now about passing on clothes (as in we don't) but I was conocoud another girl may have felt more like an extension of the first child who was a girl.Does that make sense?