Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH's hobbies dominate the weekend?

90 replies

DelilahDarcey · 04/11/2017 22:34

DH does hobbies most Saturdays all day. In summer it’s cricket or cycling. This time of year its cycling or clay pigeon shooting.

I am getting increasingly fucked off that instead of just being on the Saturday, the hobbies are taking over the whole fucking weekend and i am left to pick up the slack.

Friday nights are always spent ‘sorting his kit out’ or doing something like watching YouTube videos connected to the hobby he’s doing the next day. He then goes to bed early on Friday nights usually around 9pm ready for the next days activity.

He’s out all day most Saturdays. When he gets home EVERY week he’s either injured, tired or ‘ill’ from his taxing day. Tonight he’s come back with a very minor sniffle! He’s then in bed or snoring on the sofa by 9pm on Saturday nights.

Then on Sunday he’s still either tired/injured/ill from Saturday and just slobs around all day and doesn’t want to do anything. Followed again by snoring on the sofa or being in bed by 9pm!

This means that everything is left to me all weekend and his slobbing around and super early nights are annoying.

We have two kids aged 5 and 8, and both have our own businesses based from home so we both work pretty much equal hours. It would just be nice to do something as a family on a weekend or for him to take an equal share of chores and childcare rather than just opting out!

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 05/11/2017 08:33

I don't usually advocate this, but - show him this thread?

mygorgeousmilo · 05/11/2017 08:35

What a selfish pig. Does he ever do any parenting?

ferrier · 05/11/2017 08:36

"Dp - it doesn't seem like you love me or the kids very much as you never spend (quality) time with us. Either show us you do care (insert what your requirements are) or we may as well separate/divorce."

roundaboutthetown · 05/11/2017 08:36

He's a lazy fucker. Why not give him a list of his share of the household tasks and wake him up when he falls asleep at 9pm if he hasn't done them? Then, when he's doing his fair share of the household tasks, suggest that sometimes it would be nice for the whole family to go out together instead of the weekend just being about his tiresome solitary hobbies which bore the shit out of the rest of his family, and household tasks?

Butterymuffin · 05/11/2017 08:38

The point of the 'go out early on Saturday' plan is to show him how it feels, not because OP is necessarily dying to take up an all-day hobby of her own.

OP you need to say it's come to crisis point for you and if he carries on like this you want to split up. 'Not seeing the issue' isn't an option.

Biggreygoose · 05/11/2017 08:41

YANBU. He isn't engaging because he doesn't want to.

If he's that injured after shooting he can't do anything Sunday he's doing it wrong and needs to pack it in.

I went shooting myself yesterday. I am fortunate in that I have 3 grounds within 40 min drive which means that from leaving the house to walking back in is about 3-4 hours. After having DS I have had to stick to those 3 really, I can't travel to the far corners of the country like I used to (unless I arrange it specially) as that would mean being out for a whole day or longer.

It really shouldn't take longer than 15mins to get kit together. Maybe half hour if you really drag if out.

Shooting still let me do DS bath and cook dinner yesterday and go to the park today with him. I will probably spend a half hour or so cleaning my gun (actually not a euphemism) today. Yeah I can feel it a bit today and my arms ache but you just have to get on with it.

There is no earthly reason shooting means he can't engage at a weekend, ergo he doesn't want to, ergo he is a prick.

MollyHuaCha · 05/11/2017 08:41

My DH used to be like this - doing hobby, recovering from hobby, preparing kit for hobby, training for hobby, shopping for hobby, weekly meeting for hobby, post meeting drinks session for hobby, travelling across country for hobby competitions... aaaargh.

Despite this, I saw potential in him as a keeper. Wink

OP, explain how you feel. Keep complaining. It took a LONG time for me to get through to my DH.

TidyDancer · 05/11/2017 08:43

I would tell him that you’re alternating Saturdays from now on so he is in effect forced to take on childcare every other week. The situation as it is is not fair nor is it sustainable in a healthy and loving family set up. Resentment will grow and there will be bigger problems.

Ceto · 05/11/2017 08:44

If he "doesn't see the issue", how does he justify what is happening?

Soutty · 05/11/2017 08:45

I cannot for the life of me see what you are getting out of this relationship.

You would be much better off without it because if you split up he would have to have the kids every other weekend.

When do you get to see your friends and have a life of your own? Even if you're not brave enough to kick him yet, you need to start feathering your own nest, building up your social network so that you are not dependent on whatever crumbs he gives you by way of human interaction.

I wouldn't even feel like giving him a chance at this point, I'd be so angry and resentful I would hate his guts. You must have the patience of a saint.

Melony6 · 05/11/2017 08:47

Does he do his share of household tasks and childrearing when he is there through the week.
If not that might be a start, you go out each evening leaving him to do chores and meals.
He will do it more once retired so Ihope by then you have lots of things to do on your own.

Parker231 · 05/11/2017 08:48

Start making plans for family activities on a Saturday or your own outings on a Saturday and tell him, sorry you’ll need to look after your DC’s that Saturday.

toffeepumpkins · 05/11/2017 08:52

Rather than going off on your own and leaving him with the children why don't you book a day out or a weekend away for the whole family and see how it goes? Talk to him about it first, work out what you'd all enjoy (and involve the children in the discussion) and if he says his hobbies come first then LTB you can talk about how unreasonable that is then.

Mikethenight2good · 05/11/2017 08:53

Point out to him if you seperated he would have to give up hobby time as it would be his weekend with the kids.
I can't bear a partner not engaged in their family life. I am cross for you!!!

londonrach · 05/11/2017 09:00

Yanbu!!! Thats awful. My dh has a hobby but it just involves one or two weekends (men, cars etc) and i either get dropped at a family member (his suggestion as dont see this family much and was only 20 minutes out of his way, had nice lunch etc with her) not far from location or go with him (prior to dd). Every weekend is too much. Yes to hobbies but not if it gets in way of family. Hes not a single man!

thethoughtfox · 05/11/2017 09:04

Could your new hobby involve food and/or wine so you go trying new ones out at longs lunches with a friend each Saturday?

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/11/2017 09:06

The trouble is - you can agree EOW if you split up, but you can't enforce it. Everyone saying 'oh, tell him that you'll divorce and he'll have to have the kids EOW,' but if he's really disengaged do you think he would? Or would he just ring up when he was supposed to have them and say he couldn't, because he had to do his hobbby and he'd see them one evening in the week?

EOW only works if the man wants to have his kids EOW. Otherwise, it's just you, all the time. Sorry, no solution other than constantly telling him and showing him that his selfishness isn't acceptable, but the EOW really annoys me.

Ktown · 05/11/2017 09:09

Email him what you have just written.
He may just have no idea(!) about the extent.
I was so worried about this I pre screened my husband to ensure he has little interest in sport.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/11/2017 09:12

"Fill his car with actual pigeons. Pigeons with diarrhoea."

This made me Grin
But don't do it. Although it would be fun.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/11/2017 09:12

Zaphod's right - if you split up, you will get no weekends free, because he will always put his hobby first. So his 'contact time' will be him popping round the house for half an hour on Sunday afternoon. He also probably won't pay much maintenance because he needs the money for hobbies.
However, this still might be less stressful than waiting/hoping for him to actually care about you and the DC. Do you have family or friends nearby who would do some occasional babysitting so you get some free time? If so, I would seriously think about telling him the marriage is over, as you are tired of being his servant and childminder.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/11/2017 09:15

Scrabbler, it's true that the kids would have a shit weekend and no housework done on the particular weekend the op decides to go for it. But nothing else is getting through to him, so ops options are put up with it forever, or do something about it. It's one weekend which isn't going to harm them any more than a basically absent father and an unhappy mother.

NataliaOsipova · 05/11/2017 09:15

The problem with all the "go out on your own all Saturday" responses are that they're counterproductive; ultimately, the OP wants her husband to be engaged with her family and this means that weekends (or, at least, a good chunk of them) are spent doing things together.

I think doing things as a family is hugely important and developmental for the children. That's not to say that parents can't have their own interests - of course they can. But the days of "my weekends" are over when you have children and he's being astoundingly selfish not to realise that. He wants a Saturday shooting or cycling? Id put up with once a month max - and arranged in advance to allow you to do something fun or special with the kids on the same day.

whoareyoukidding · 05/11/2017 09:17

There's always been men around like this, whether it is sport or stamp-collecting. My mum used to have a mate whom mum called a 'golf widow'. I'm not sure that talking to him is going to change much because I think it's partly personality and possibly too a way of 'escaping' the family.

NataliaOsipova · 05/11/2017 09:20

Hire a surrogate husband and pay for it out of his account.

Grin Grin Grin

Cambionome · 05/11/2017 09:21

Put your foot very firmly down now, op, or this will just get worse and worse.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread