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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just did my first tinkly laugh and teally enjoyed it

99 replies

mikeyssister · 04/11/2017 10:13

Long story so please bear with me.

DD3 has a "friend" who had a birthday party about 6 months ago in the last year of primary. DD3 wasn't available to attend the birthday party so I don't know would she have been invited as they knew she was away. I was speaking to the "friend's" mother who said that her DD had only invited some of the girls from the class, she hadn't invited a couple (my DD would have made 3). I told mother I was surprised that she had allowed her DD to exclude them. Mother gave a tinkly laugh and said she thought her DD was old enough to decide for herself who to invite to the party.

Anyway, fast forward to DD3's Birthday. She's not in class with any of her old primary friends but sees 3 regularly outside school and travels to school on the bus with this "friend". DD3 invited the other friends and 4 new friends to the cinema and back to ours for pizza after.

I bumped into the other mother in the shop this morning, and she said that her DD had been disappointed not to be invited to the party, as they're such good friends .

I gave a tinkly laugh and said I thought DD3 was old enough to decide for herself who to invite to the party. I really, really enjoyed it, but she looked hurt.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 04/11/2017 14:28

From what I understood was that OP said she was surprised other girls (not her DD as she wasn't available) were excluded from party.

However now DD3 has chosen a small number of friends other mum thought it was unfair.

So she gave her the same response she gave about excluding the girls from year 6 class.

Ginglealltheway · 04/11/2017 14:31

This woman laughed when OP pointed out it was mean to not invite the class, bar two children to her DD's party.

Sounds like karma to me

Ginglealltheway · 04/11/2017 14:34

I'm very much enjoying the OP being called passive aggressive in a passive aggressive manner.

lorelairoryemily · 04/11/2017 14:36

Haha that's funny! I think you were right

Hazelatte26 · 04/11/2017 14:43

That was harsh.

As far as I'm aware your daughter was invited, not purposefully excluded. Not sure why you would get upset that this "friend" didn't invite all the girls on the class to her party?

Hazelatte26 · 04/11/2017 14:46

Hang on, maybe in confused by your post. Were only 2 girls left out? On that case that sound horrible. I thought you meant that the "friend" only invited 2 friends and that your DD would make the number invited 3. Apologies.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 04/11/2017 14:53

The OP's original comment to the mother - the one that got the 'DD is old enough to choose who she invites' - was NOT about her own daughter.

She was standing up for the only two children out of the class who could have gone but weren't invited. Not everyone agrees, but on Mumsnet the general feeling tends to be that that's a nasty thing to do.

Given that this is absolutely not about whether her own DD was invited or not, I'm not sure why the OP is getting a pasting. What the other mother said was obviously what she meant. The OP was at least deliberately responding in kind so that the other mum could hear how it sounds when someone says it back.

Topseyt · 04/11/2017 14:53

Auntybeast, the kids are at secondary school. They are about 12, not 3. Do read the thread.

PuppyMonkey · 04/11/2017 14:54

I think you could have explained in a kind way that the girls were all growing up and moving on. The other mum will just think you're an out and out bitch now, so you've won no moral battle imho.

diddl · 04/11/2017 14:59

So if your daughter had been invited & available, the Invitation would have been declined on principle due to 2 Girls not being invited?

So do they travel together or just see each other on the bus?

Sad for the other Girl if she still thinks that they are friends, but presumably they don't Play together at School or out of School anymore?

Aderyn17 · 04/11/2017 15:17

You both sound as childish as your dc - at least they gave the excuse of actually being children!

Both your kids invited who they wanted, which is entirely reasonable. You had no right to criticise this woman for leaving out 2 kids - not your business. She had no right complaining to you that her child was hurt by lack of invite given that her own child made the choice to exclude some girls from her own party.

What you can both do is teach your dc that it is rude and hurtful to talk about parties and events in front of people who haven't been invited. You'd also benefit from staying out of your dc's social arrangements and friendships. You two will be glaring at each other across the playground long after your dc have made up and forgotten about it - friendship groups are fickle at this age and you'd be mad to let it affect your own friendships.

Original poster

mikeyssister · 04/11/2017 20:52

I didn't want to drip feed but to clarify a couple of points, and I'm sorry but I haven't had chance to read all the replies yet:

DD3, who's now 13, may or may not have been invited to the other girl's 13th, but that wasn't the reason I spoke to the mother at the time, it was because her DD was bigging up the party in front of the 2 who were deliberately excluded.

This girl is not DD3's friend, they're not enemies, they're just two girls who were in a class together.

DD3 absolutely chose who to invite to her party without any restrictions from DH and I.

The girl is just someone who travels with my DD to school, they chat because they are the only two first years on this bus. To be honest I don't think DD3 ever considered inviting her, but it suppose she must have been talking to her about it on the bus. Knowing DD3 she could have been doing it in a bitchy way because this girl and a few of her friends had passed a lot of smart comments to DD3 for the last couple of years.

I have been thinking about what I did a lot since I met the mother, so definitely over thinking it, but I do feel that the mother shouldn't have said anything to me. But I was PA back and that's something I hate being done to me.

I definitely stored her comment and laugh in the back of my mind without really being aware of it.

OP posts:

questionbasket · 04/11/2017 21:02

Two tinkly laughs don't make a right.
Just avoid her.

Original poster

mikeyssister · 04/11/2017 21:24

Narrow minded passive aggressive bitch - ouch, but they say the truth hurts.

I feel really bad now because even if her daughter was a bitch to mine over the last couple of years I shouldn't have relished her being disappointed and I suppose to an extent I did. For a split second all the annoyance I've felt flashed through my head and I thought karma - for both the child and the mother.

It was nasty and I feel nasty, so yes I'll apologise to the mother, but I really don't want to because I know she won't appreciate why I said what I said .

OP posts:

Marnie182 · 04/11/2017 21:44

Don't apologise to the mother!
Just chalk it up to experience and move on.
It's really not that big of a deal.
She was pa to you and you did it back.
It's done, over, finished, move on.
You would look really weird to bring it up and apologise.
You are majorly over thinking this.
Have a glass of wine and chill op

Aderyn17 · 04/11/2017 21:48

No, don't apologise. It will look weird. Besides, she didn't cover herself in glory either.
I suppose it is a bit hard not to feel happy when a child who has been unkind to yours, gets to experience how it feels. But honestly, leave it now.

Topseyt · 04/11/2017 22:01

I would apologise, and then just leave it alone after that.

Neither of you came out smelling of roses, so after that just chalk it up to experience and then let it drop.

Also, if you think your DD did rub the other girl's nose in not being invited to the party then you should pull her up on that. It isn't a nice thing to do.

Don't hang onto comments made months ago, and try not to bear grudges. No good ever comes of it.

If I am honest, I could never remember from one year to the next who had been to whoever else's party. It just didn't interest me at all.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/11/2017 22:10

Love the fact that you want to apologise for the tinkly laugh. That's sweet but probably best to leave it now.

I've seen loads of suggestions from posters on other threads suggesting the OP retaliates with a tinkly laugh. I think MN actually invented the tinkly laugh.
When someone actually does it though, they get a pasting. It's a funny world.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/11/2017 22:13

You were a pretty mean OP. Do as you would be done by is a good rule for life. When they go low, you go high.

My user name is ironic by the way.

Sashkin · 04/11/2017 22:18

I just did what I imagined a tinkly laugh to be, but it sounded more like a Dr Evil “Bwahaha!” out loud. I’ll hand my username back in.

I can do a good head tilt though. And an , and a .

Sunshineandshopping · 04/11/2017 22:29

Ah well you may have behaved badly on this occasion but you are not a bad person if you feel nasty about it, it was nasty, so I think you are wise to move on and maybe find a way to make it up to the mother an apology might look weird.
I would not have been so blunt but you did ask! Sorry if I hurt you, as a pp said two tinkly laughs don’t make a right, I feel bad too now!

Original poster

mikeyssister · 05/11/2017 08:53

Sunshine you didn't hurt me at all, I really appreciated your honesty.

I think that's part of my problem in general, I miss a huge amount of the subtleties in conversation, so I love when someone is clear and unambiguous.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/11/2017 12:00

I don't think you need to apologise to her either. She might have looked hurt but in all honesty, it IS only what she said to you last year and I doubt she apologised for it!

Since your DD3 and her DD are not friends, then there would be no need for your DD to invite her to her party, especially as she didn't go to the other girl's (regardless of her being away).

Maybe the other mother has an over-inflated idea of how friendly your girls are - but she still shouldn't have said anything to you about your DD's party, that's quite rude. So she got her come-uppance for rudeness.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/11/2017 12:35

Ye gads! I honestly think the behaviour of parents is oftentimes much worst than whatever spat is going on with their respective children!

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