to think that I can work 60hr weeks and still hold the family together

[AngelicCurls]

Currently in senior management role which covers a number of sites. Number of sites I manage was increased last year, without consultation (although within the contract this possibility existed)

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. I think I’m going to approach work about having a deputy and think about training the guy I have in mind up. There is a tendency to delegate in the name of development and career progression, but realistically they need to put their hand in their pocket and pay someone. They may well be ok with that, as I said, my boss is hugely supportive. I think I have a huge tendency to perfectionism and that doesn’t help, but all of you that said in need to re-evaluate what’s important are right, things don’t need to be perfect if it’s affecting my family.

I’m going to try to switch off a bit better as well. Again, think that’s the perfectionist in me wanted to sort stuff straight away as i don’t want it to escalate. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences where staff have struggled to make decisions whilst I’ve been away and made decisions that have impacted on other things, but then I suppose shit happens and sometimes things just need to be good enough

Someone up thread mentioned about all the family admin/dinners/life admin etc. It’s that which i think is stressing me out as well in that currently it’s me that does all of that, or doesn’t, which then stresses me even further. My DH also works longish hours and although his job isn’t as well paid as mine it’s something he really enjoys and doesn’t want to cut back either

I think I’m going to give it a couple of months with me really being strict with myself, start pushing out some of the work and see how it goes. I think that if at 45 hrs I’m still struggling with family vs work dilemma then it’s probably time to think about stepping back much more. I don’t want to outsource the kids care, I absolutely love spending time with them, they are the best thing that I have done and I really really don’t want to regret not spending enough time with them.

thedc makes a good point. If it advantages them in some way the company will ditch you regardless of all the times you went the extra mile. That gets conveniently forgotten these days.

It's also often the case that the people who push back, who have boundaries, assert the importance of themselves and their time, are actually the ones who get promoted. Meanwhile, the people pleasers who are always available get overlooked and carry on picking up the extra work that others refuse. Read Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office, it's very good on this.

I did do 60 hrs in 2007-2010(back to work after 4 months or something) and my pay was (only) ok. I was working the hours to only keep my job(I work in a bank). There isnt many women especially married with kids in my field. My husband also did long hours. We had a huge drive - to settle our life in London. We are much better balanced now-around 50 hr/week( could be because of the banking bonus culture has weaned down hence less driven for putting more than required hours/work). I have never been (that) ambitious, I am good at what I am doing (move internal/got promotion/move external) however the last 7 yrs I have never looked for roles I need to commit and sacrifice much more of my life. I have recently said no to a very promising role which requires me to "focus" more at work. The whole family has always been working as a team, we know when someone has to focus on something(projects at work, critical reporting periods, kids music exams etc).
And yes, something has to give in, we look healthy however we are not and dont feel like so. The kids seem well-rounded, well-looked after however not completely. I went to this year school Harvest festival the first time after 6 yrs. I didnt know about book bands, school homework. My daughter has much less play date than usual. I never see the children in the morning as I leave for work very early and my husband hardly sees them in the evening. We pay hugely to childcare so havent ended up with as much savings as people with our pay would have had etc.
I recently read a book and it says 2 things which I find very true/helpful:

How/when do you keep a balanced life: think about keeping your life balanced like walking in a robe: always in balance, once you are off, you might never climb back and/or it takes much longer to ve back to the previous speed/catch up with others.

Spend the best quality time at work: at work, work all the time you work, however spend the most time at home, at home, quantity counts.(I thought opposite before)

It comes with change in family circumstances too, my friends got divorce, my husband was diagnosed with a chronicle illness, certain things have made me being ok with slowing down.

Really tough decision but one day your going to look round and your little ones will be grown up and leaving home! Do you want to regret not spending enough time with them? You deserve to have time off imo 60hrs is way too much.

Your Oh has to be on board and take on the shared responsibility of raising the DC. DH can call and book check ups, take them to the dentist etc just as well as you can. You have to be ruthless with this part of your relationship because you can't do it all even if you are working 40-45 hours a week.

I agree with whoever said you can't have it all and you need to work out what you want and go after that.

I understand you not wanting more childcare for the kids, but I think you might be doing them a disservice. If you decide that want you want is this job, and your husband isn't interested in being a sahd, I would think very hard about getting a nanny. Then your 2 and 4 year old would have someone there playing with them, taking to them, helping them with their homework, taking them to gymnastics, rather than plonking them in front of the telly and being stressed and exhausted with them. And you would then have a bit more headspace to spend being a present mum and partner to your family.

If what you want is to be a present and involved mum, I think you might have to start looking for another job.

Someone up thread mentioned about all the family admin/dinners/life admin etc. It’s that which i think is stressing me out as well in that currently it’s me that does all of that, or doesn’t, which then stresses me even further. My DH also works longish hours and although his job isn’t as well paid as mine it’s something he really enjoys and doesn’t want to cut back either

He CANNOT get pissed off with you getting stressed with work if a) he doesn't share the mental load of family admin and b) earns less whilst doing less.

Fix expectations at work (Between 3-6pm call with an urgent query, I will not be checking email, and back this up with an automated message during these times) and fix expectations at home - spending time with the kids is not the same as doing all the related chores yourself.

Thinking this through you should consider a nanny, it's really pants that your DH isn't doing more of the day to day family work and a nanny would do some of this for you allowing you to have a relationship with your DC that must be more like your DH has. It does seem like you are expected to make all of the sacrifices, if you can't make him share the burden of booking and taking them to to dentist etc outsource it and be really clear why you are doing it.

My dad, as a teacher 20 years ago, used to work from 8-6pm 5 days a week and then a couple of hours each weekend day most weekends. I can easily see how current teachers would be doing 60+ hours a week.

Surviving on 3 hours sleep a night for 5 years balderdash! Impaired cognitive function is not the way to get a promotion!
However I do agree that op should hire someone with an acceptable sounding job title to be her pa.

As many have said it is possible to work 60yrs a week and still have a family as long as you are strict about your time off. I technically work 70hrs a week (when you factor in travel time). I am fortunate by dh is a stahp which helps with childcare and the guilt. Most nights I see ds for an hour before he goes to bed. Mornings I leave before he's up. I try to make it up to him on weekends by spending as much quality time as I can with him. It's much easier now he's 8 then when he was younger I just say.
Ultimately I don't have a choice - I bring in the money so if I don't work bills don't get paid. Dh did work but it was too much for us and ds suffered. I don't see a problem with you working 60 hrs a week - it's the ++ that's the problem. When you're finished work finish it. Don't keep checking the emails. If it's truly urgent then get someone to call you. Otherwise enjoy your time with family.

I don’t want to sound judgey. In fact I think you should be so proud of yourself as you are clearly capable and successful.
I was diagnosed with something life threatening when my children were the ages of yours. NOTHING is more important than these crucial years with them. I think you need to ask yourself if something happened to you /your DH / your family would you have regrets? It’s easy to think it wouldn’t happen but it does, every year, to thousands of families.
Please please put your children & your husband at the very top of your life’s list of priorities or something will give. I have no doubt you can make that work. 💐

I did circa 50 hours a week plus evening work, on occasion working until midnight and then up again at 6.

I was doing too much, couldn’t switch off, ended up with chronic insomnia and exhaustion. DH also working 50ish hours a week.

4 kids and a dog.

I quit my job and have been much happier since. It isn’t worth it. And if you want my opinion, in the nicest way possible if you thought it was manageable you wouldn’t be posting! Maybe notify your employer you’re opting into the maximum 48 hour working week and stop working at home. You’re entitled to some rest.

From my POV I admit I’ve lost my identity a bit as I was all about work! But my family are much happier and our house runs far smoother now. Much less stressful.

Hopefully you can find a happy medium, I tried and failed miserably!

sunshine Except I was able to function and I did get a promotion.

Why do people want to work so many hours - the Working Time Regs are there for a reason. The majority of ft jobs are no more than 40 hours a week. That then gives time to have meals with your family, attend evening activities, get a decent night sleep as well as do your share of the day to day household tasks.

How do you manage when you go away on holiday?

I completely agree with those suggesting you consider a nanny. That way the kids have someone fully dedicated to their needs while you and your DH are working, and you can be fully dedicated to them when the nanny leaves (because you will have had time to do your job in more "normal" working hours). I also work long hours and having a nanny is a godsend tbh.

Why do people want to work so many hours - the Working Time Regs are there for a reason. The majority of ft jobs are no more than 40 hours a week.

Can I ask what you do? I’m sure some jobs do, but I’ve never found one.

The majority of salaried careers demand much than this though surely? I’ve certainly never had a professional job where it’s acceptable to clock off on the dot every single day. I’m certainly not a CEO level high flier by the way. Just that most jobs don’t accept that.

Anatdae - I’m a Director in the corporate world and have managed to get a good work life balance. My clients over the last 25 years also have families and we’ve always been honest with each other as to availability. I’ve worked with some clients for nearly 10 years now and we know each other well. I qualified with one of the Big4 but had young DC’s then and a DH with his own career as a doctor so had to leave work at a set time each day to collect from nursery/after school clubs. I was no different from many of my colleagues - male and female.

I’ve progressed as far as I want to now and am enjoying interesting clients, regular gym classes, good holidays and seeing my DT’s through Uni and their own careers.

That’s good to hear parker - nice to know some are getting it right!

We both work in global teams and are often required to talk to japan/ Taiwan in the early hours then do a full workday then expected to stay to talk to the USA. I am forever putting my foot down over time zones :(

Your DH needs to take on 50% of the mental load... you are a partnership it shouldn’t fall to you just because you are the woman!