To be finding it hard having husband at home all day ?

[Inkandbone]

I probably am BU. But he does my head in.

He won't stay still. Constant prowling around and clearing up after me even if it's something I'm using throwing away drinks I haven't finished drinking, putting cardigans I've just taken off coz I'm hot into the wash. Talking to himself but me really, so a monologue of what's going on and then expecting a reaction from me. I can't do anything without him asking me questions.

I know it's partly irritation from being underneath each others feet but is this what i have to look forward go in my dotage?

Me and dh are together most of the time.
We will have bursts of conversation coupled with periods of silence.
Luckily we both enjoy reading.
We enjoy each other’s company and our own.
We have relaxing mornings then go out after lunch.
It’s all quite civilised really
Thankfully as we are both retirees

To be fair to him, he is struggling mentally, and as such 'normal' sort of things that might otherwise occupy him aren't proving a help.

However, he often deflects problems in himself by finding fault with me, and that's what is so hard.

Jealous i’d Love to have mine at home

What strikes me is the extent to which women on the thread seem to think of the house as their domain & the husband as an interloper. That feels very 50s to me - that the domestic sphere is the woman's space. I am so glad my marriage doesn't resemble those on this thread. And if that sounds smug, it is actually just gratitude that I have horizons larger than my house & don't see the home as my space any more than anyone else's in the family. I think some of these irked women literally do need to get out of the house more.

It isn't the house.

I would feel the same in a hotel room, caravan, tent.

It's how stifled I feel.

And some of us get our plenty thanks

My DH does the half-drunk tea in the dishwasher trick. More than made up for by the fact that he cleans and is lovely.

What are your DH's good points?

It's how stifled I feel

If you feel stifled, use that to grow and develop yourself. Don't sit stewing in the house feeling anger to the person you should love most in the world. What would you prefer to be doing? Go and do it. Then you can return to your DH & your home with love in your heart not resentment.

What if what I want to be doing is to be sat in my home?

Is that seriously unreasonable ?

How would you like to be unable to go home?

How would you like to be unable to go home?

I wouldn't like that at all -but then I wouldn't like to be sat in my home all the time and I wouldn't marry someone who wanted to sit at home all day. I am afraid it is hard to relate to someone who has no drive get up and out but just wants to sit in the house all the time. So I guess you and your DH both sound equally annoying to me, based on what you have said on this thread.

But I'm not sat in the house all the time! However, I do need to go home sometimes. And did you miss that my dh is ill?

Yes, I feel very sorry for your DH as he is ill, so is stuck in the house with a wife who bitterly resents his presence and wants him gone. You seem to think you somehow have more right to be at home than him. Why is that, do you think?

Well, Luminaries. I can tell you.that unless you have a dh like the OPs and unless you've had to put up with it for 6 weeks, you're not qualified to comment. I oblige exactly where she's coming from. Drove me nuts.

If you feel stifled why don't you be the one to go out, why should he? You have the problem, you sort it.

I do odd

I don't stay in the house 24/7.

Let's say I go out to work which is 830 until 330 (usually) - I still have from 4 ish onwards of what are you doing, where are you going.

He controls every room in the house. If it's not tidy (and tidy is very subjective) it gets him stressed, even if the reason it's not tidy is because someone is actually doing something in it.

I do know, by the way, that I am being unfair and that it is also his house, but it's mine too, and he's making me miserable!

I think I would make every effort to get your DH sorted in terms of his illness, and back to work. That may be easier said than done, but it seems like he's a changed person - maybe as a result of his illness?

I don't think he's changed. His bad qualities have come very much to the forefront however and his nicer qualities are being squashed by them.

His bad qualities are a tendency to be controlling, dominant- 'bossy'- condescending and arrogant. Since he is not able to perform these at work, he is subjecting me to the pleasure of them, and it is driving me insane.

Sounds like his illness is making it difficult rather than you hating him being home.
Me and dh are both and home most of the time. It works well now, and he does go off into his office to work most of the day..but it took some time to get used to. Plus when I was very unwell, first in therapy and such, I handled things by being tidy. When they weren't tidy I felt like everything was out of control. I know I was difficult to handle. And my dh got a bit sick of me.

Is your dh getting some help?

Can he channel his energy into something constructive like diy or wood work? Hell knitting maybe. I survived and still do, by cross stitching. Sounds silly I know.

I was in this situation more than once with ex husband. Every room in the house was occupied by something he was doing. I was didn't know where to be.

Does he like walking? In all seriousness, exercise is great for helping stress. Could you get him doing a walk every day at least?

I do know, by the way, that I am being unfair and that it is also his house, but it's mine too, and he's making me miserable!

"This too shall pass" and he shall return to work and you will be able to breathe again.

Stifling is a good word to describe it.

A controlling person whose usual control has been removed in a huge area (that of their own health) gets even more controlling in ridiculous, small ways. That's the way he is coping with his lack of control in the area of his health. And it is will drive you pretty mad, but I am not sure there's much to be done about it except be out as much as possible, bite your tongue and remember it will go. How that will manifest when he retires/ has more ailments is down the line, but it is very difficult to live with OP and you have every right to vent on here now and then without being jumped on by the self righteous.

Well, I think the work situation has pushed things to a point where perhaps things have got to change, and perhaps that's not a bad thing.

I'm honestly not being nasty or unreasonable or lazy - I am just being made to feel very uncomfortable in my home, which isn't right.

Need to have a think.

His bad qualities are a tendency to be controlling, dominant- 'bossy'- condescending and arrogant. Since he is not able to perform these at work, he is subjecting me to the pleasure of them, and it is driving me insane.

This has changed my mind from my original comment. It sounds like he is actually a bit of a nightmare to spend time with & as you say at work he has an outlet for this type of behaviour. It sounds like you will just need to try and get out more & equally try and encourage him to get out and do things to help him e.g. walking/swimming to help him get better.

Just popped back to have a look at this thread and my goodness how it changed from light hearted moaning to judgemental nitpicking - you know what ?? Sometimes I just want to get things off my chest anonymously which I'm sure Ink and Bone did and yet several posters just line up to say how ' sad the thread is and how 'Wonderful ' it is having their partners at home etc etc .... Well guess what ? - that's lovely for you ......... enjoy yourselves
Personally I find those sort of judgemental comments slightly sick making
How hilarious if your OH s are desperate for some time on their own too !!!

My father was an introvert and became a bit of a hermit once he retired. He was also controlling. I remember my mother turning around from the cooker, wooden spoon in hand, and telling him "you're not on the bloody bridge now; get OUT of my kitchen!". I think he was telling her how to make soup. She would do everything to get him a hobby. He was fanatically tidy; she was cleaning the sitting room and went to answer the front door to find that he had put all the cleaning things away. He would also time her when she went out and fret when she was five minutes past the time she had guessed at to be back; she would then be cross-examined as to what she'd done, seen, and who she had spoken to and what they had said. She was very happy when they got Sky Sports so there was a babysitter for him.

I live happily on my own with a large four-legged family; I also have hermit tendencies but not as bad as him.

It really sucks you feel this way. My DH works from home and it's awesome. We are together almost 24/7 (I have a very part time job so out for that occasionally) and I'd hate him to have to go out to an office to work, especially since we had our boys.

The only reason we survive it though is that we are very good at communicating (about most things, with occasional blind spots) - if he was doing something that annoyed me I'd tell him to cut it out, and vice versa. We've been living this way for a long time though (6 years) and I guess we are used to it now.