DD's friend (both 9) stole her phone

[pinkliquorice]

I will try and keep it short!

9 year old Dd took her phone to school yesterday (no that wasn’t allowed ) came home and told me ( yes we talked about that’s why she isn’t allowed to take it...) , checked the phone tracker I have on my phone and saw that it was at school. Anyway sent her school this morning and gave the office a call to tell them, they said they would find it and keep it for me to collect at the end of the day.
Went to school to pick her up, hadn’t found it, rang it and it just went to voicemail. Didn’t panic because I saw yesterday that it was at school and thought cleaners will find it over the weekend.
Got home and decided to check the tracker agin and it showed as being at her friends house. We drove over there, her dad asked her and she said she didn’t have it so I showed them it was showing up as being there, she went upstairs to check and cane down a few minutes later with it and said she didn’t know how it got there, Dd might of left it there on Tuesday (she was at her house).
I don’t know why and I get this bit sounds strange but I was in a hurry and I don’t know what I was expecting so I didnt really think about it initial we got home and I guess I also wanted to talk to Dd but I just said thanks, took the phone and left. Now Home and proven to Dd and I know that she couldn’t of left it at a friends house on Tuesday because she had it wendays and took it to school Thursday.
This is already really long and I’ve probably missed out details but what do I do now?
Do u forget about now we have the phone back (what Dd wants) or do I need to tell her friends parents and the school that she has properly stolen my daughters phone?
Do you think there is a different explanation to all this in the lives of 9 year old girls?c

@eyebrowsonfleek

DD's getting ready for bed now and I hope she dosnt keep anything from me either, that way I can have enough infomation to decide how we go forward.
This girl has a phone, but I've told DD not to message her tonight and she hasnt messaged either. I have read their previous conversations which there wasnt much and has not been anything in the last week, just general 9 year old chat, nothing suspicious.

@Nanny0gg

I think the fact that both me and the school have talked to her about not taking her phone there as well as her phone being stolen as a result, and she is now upset and sorry is enough of a consequence.
I belive a punishment would only do harm, so I dont do it.
Shes learnt her lesson about taking the phone to school, sending her to her room would only make her more upset and less likely to trust and confide in me.

My daughter didn't want to get the child bullying her into trouble. It was difficult getting her to reveal what had been going on. They had a sort of friendship; only the bully was sometimes being very domineering and bossing her around.

My daughter was being manipulated into giving things away, money, small toys and food. This is how it started off. Later on it became more verbal, emotional and physical.

I agree with not punshing her as the natural consequences have laid heavy.

DD has insisted that she last saw her phone at school on thursday in the cloak room, she has said she thought it was at school and dosnt know why her friend would of had it at home. She thinks it would be 'easier' to just forget about it now we have it back, which I get.
But I am so torn, I obviously want to do whats best for my child but as I dont know her friends intentions and havnt heard her side of the story, I dont know what is best.
DD is saying she feels upset, worried and embarrased but I don't understand why shes feeling like this!
I want to hope it was an innocent mistake that had no cruelness behind and that we can just move on, but if it wasnt I can't just ignore that.

You’re really being drawn into this story. Your dd will shortly be at secondary school and it is going to be a steep learning curve if you continue to get dragged in like this. From your posts, your gut feeling is to speak to the School. As the parent and adult that’s what you should do.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I'm only being drawn in as I want to know all the infomation and do what is best for my daughter, I have a 22 year old also and I continue to be 'dragged in' to her issues now and throughtout secondary school. I thought that was my job as their mother?

We don’t do punishments in our house and Dd knows it wouldn’t be confiscated

So what is the point of rules if she gets to break them with no consequences? It sounds very much like you being a parent is exactly what she needs to be honest. And being a parent means making decisions that your children may not agree with, because they are children.

@AlternativeTentacle

I have already said that there were consequences to her breaking the rules, Both me and the school have spoken to her about not bringing it and she had her phone stolen as a result.
There are consequences to her actions, not punishments.
She is already upset and sorry and has realised why the no phone at school rule is there, she has learnt that lesson.
Confiscating the phone, or sending her to her room or not letting her watch fireworks tonight is not going to be helpful, it will only make her more upset and feel less comfortable with confiding in me.
I do and will make decisions that my children dont agree with, but I dont like to, I want to be able to get DD's input and when possible let her make decisions with my help.

There’s a girl in my DD’s class, also age 9, who pinches things then places them in other girls’ bags so it looks like they’ve pinched it.

Something of my DD’s went missing. The girl next to her checked her bag to see if she’d accidentally picked it up. It wasn’t there. Two days later her Mum called to say she’d found it.

It’s not the first time something’s turned up in a place that had already been checked.

It’s possible it’s not the friend herself who took it.

Your job as a parent if you believe the phone was deliberately taken is to either:

A) let it go because you have decided it isn’t worth it. Reasons for this would perhaps be because children aren’t allowed phones on school property or you think the child has learnt the lesson through the natural consequence of feeling embarrassed. Or
B) speak to the school so that the teacher can talk to the girls about the incident and put an end to it.

My dd is 9. I think if you repeatedly talk to your dd about the incident, making a really big deal out of it, your dd may not tell you next time when something really big happens. Rehashing an issue is anxiety inducing. Your dd is 9 and I don’t think you’re ever going to find the real reason or what really happened so you need to stop trying for your dds sake.

Thanks for the replies re phone tracking - will look into this. nameusername yes, I would tell my kids - I doubt I could outwit them using technology in any case, but it's more because I have teenagers who are going out in the evening to meet friends, go to concerts, etc so I would quite like to think that in an emergency, or if I was worried, there could be some way to identify where they are (well, at least where there phones are).

@DontDrinkDontSmoke

Thank you, I guess that could be another possibility.