DD's friend (both 9) stole her phone

[pinkliquorice]

I will try and keep it short!

9 year old Dd took her phone to school yesterday (no that wasn’t allowed ) came home and told me ( yes we talked about that’s why she isn’t allowed to take it...) , checked the phone tracker I have on my phone and saw that it was at school. Anyway sent her school this morning and gave the office a call to tell them, they said they would find it and keep it for me to collect at the end of the day.
Went to school to pick her up, hadn’t found it, rang it and it just went to voicemail. Didn’t panic because I saw yesterday that it was at school and thought cleaners will find it over the weekend.
Got home and decided to check the tracker agin and it showed as being at her friends house. We drove over there, her dad asked her and she said she didn’t have it so I showed them it was showing up as being there, she went upstairs to check and cane down a few minutes later with it and said she didn’t know how it got there, Dd might of left it there on Tuesday (she was at her house).
I don’t know why and I get this bit sounds strange but I was in a hurry and I don’t know what I was expecting so I didnt really think about it initial we got home and I guess I also wanted to talk to Dd but I just said thanks, took the phone and left. Now Home and proven to Dd and I know that she couldn’t of left it at a friends house on Tuesday because she had it wendays and took it to school Thursday.
This is already really long and I’ve probably missed out details but what do I do now?
Do u forget about now we have the phone back (what Dd wants) or do I need to tell her friends parents and the school that she has properly stolen my daughters phone?
Do you think there is a different explanation to all this in the lives of 9 year old girls?c

Sorry to hijack but just wondered how do you track your child's phone? if parent has an iPhone and child has Android? Yes, you can. You should also have the courtesy of informing your child that you're going to do this so they have the option of wanting to own a phone or not if the child find it intrusive depending on their age.

@idea888

i was just using Find my iphone or find friends which are only for apple phones. But im going to look for a better app, im sure there is some way you can do it between an apple and android, I'll tell you if I find one!

As a parent, it is for you to decide whether or not to approach the teacher. It is the usual reaction that a child doesn’t want their parent to speak out. It’s how bullies isolate their victims.

Idk what the School would say about stealing a mobile phone because they may take the line she shouldn’t really have a phone on the premises. It’s really your decision whether or not to say something. I think it is a first offence so I’d probably just be talking to my dd and making sure she knows she can tell you if there is anything difficult in the friendship. I wouldn’t talk to the parents though.

I do think that at 9 a child knows about how wrong stealing is. But you don’t reallg know the family and their dynamics.

@nameusername

We were driving home from school and i said we needed to go home and get her phone before i took her to her piano lessons, she told me she already had it because she took it to school then a minute later announced she must of left it there. I have dealt with this she knows she shouldnt of taken it to school (they are allowed if they hand it in to the office). It was last seen in her school bag but she said she had it out in the cloakroom at the end of the day.
The repercussion is that she lost it as it got stolen and both me and the school have spoken to her about why she has to hand it in at the office if it goes to school, it will not be confiscated.
She has a fancy smartphone because i allow her to, I also like to be able to track her and I am happy that she can play games and listen to music so a basic one wouldnt work.
She hasnt written inapropraite texts or joined in gossip.

I would be a bit worried by her reactions and her desire for you not to tell the other girl’s parents. I would be suspecting bullying I’m afraid.

I think you should contact the other girls parents to say that you know via the tracker the phone was at the school and then it showed up at their house. You didn’t say anything to contradict their daughter when you were given the phone because you were a bit taken aback, however you’ve now thought about and just want to let them know. I think 9 is old enough to know you don’t take other people’s posessions and then lie about it and it won’t do any harm for her to know you have caught her out on the lie and you know exactly what she did.

I would also be going into school and telling her teacher what has happened and to ask them to keep an eye on the girls relations in school.
It goes without saying that I would be discouraging any friendship between the girls, wouldn’t be having to my house etc.

If the dad has got an ounce of sense then he knows his dd took that phone without permission. If he hasn’t, then sending a vague message about how you now realise it couldn’t have been at their house blah blah blah isn’t going to get through either.
I wouldn’t take it any further with the parents, but would update school that it was found to be in the other girl's possession and leave it at that.

Allthewaved I love the idea of continuing to allow a thief and liar into the house as long as they are “usually nice”.

"So sorry for all the commotion earlier. Don't know what happened there as the tracker showed the phone at school yesterday. Such a relief to have it back though. Thanks again for your help."

Yes agree that telling the school that the phone has turned up and was at friends house - but it's not been explained how it got there, would be good. Don't make accusations. If you like, say you are a bit worried about it and what it might suggest. Leave it at that.

The school won't want to get into phone issues - that's why the kids are not allowed them - to avoid this kind of thing happening. But they will be interested to know if there's an indication someone might be stealing or bullying (leave them to draw that inference) and keep an eye on the interaction between the 2 girls.

Perhaps your DD was aware her friend had the phone but, for some reason, didn't want to tell you? Maybe your DD thought you'd confiscate the phone because she'd taken it to school so she asked her friend to take it home instead? Obviously that wouldn't have been a permanent solution but 9-yr-olds aren't the best at making logical plans imo.
I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that the friend tried to steal it especially since your DD is very vehement that she does't want you to pursue that.

I hate the idea of going behind DD’s back and doing what she dosnt want in case I make anything worse especially as I don’t understand the situation so don’t really know what to say or how to explain without a lot of ‘i think’ ‘probably’ and ‘maybe’
But I don’t feel like letting it go as it just dosnt feel right, I wouldn’t want this child to think that she has got away with stealing and lying and think she now has some control or power over my Dd and I don’t want Dd being hurt or bullied.
I’m going to get her in my bed tonight so we can have a proper talk as she is getting upset and worried every time I try and mention it.

@GwenStaceyRocks

We don’t do punishments in our house and Dd knows it wouldn’t be confiscated.
If that was the case it would all be find and I wouldn’t think about telling her friend parents or the school, that is the option that I had hoped was true but Dd has said she dosnt know why her friend had her phone.

You need to let the parents know that your daughter had her phone after coming round on Tuesday. Maybe they already know but you also need to let them know that you know.

I also think you should mention it to the school. If it is part of bullying then later down the line it might help to have things like this recorded.
At 9 there is no excuse for stealing and lying about it.

You can use find my iPhone on a normal computer, so wouldn't need another iPhone (for a PP).

I have 9 years old and I think they should know it's wrong to steal. So if I was a parent of the child who stole something, I would like to know.

I hate the idea of going behind DD’s back and doing what she doesnt want

You are her parent and an adult. Your dd is a child. My dd didn’t want me to talk to the teacher about something, which happened with a girl at school a couple of weeks ago and another incident with the same child on Wednesday.

With dd I told her that I was going to tell the teacher. She didn’t like it the first time and was pretty upset this time, she was less upset this time around. I suggest you do the same. It is natural for your dd to be worried about the consequences of the intervention. But you have to show that you are in charge, not the bully.

When I was 15 I was being very badly bullied and I begged my parents not to speak to the School and they didn’t. They were wrong. They should have been there to protect me.

@idea888

I'm able to track my dd's android phone as my Google account is on it and how is turned on. Then I can use Google's find my device.

Should read GPS is turned on.

I agree with Mummy children don’t always know what’s best for them in these circumstances.

However I do think you need to winkle full disclosure out of your daughter so that you have the full picture.

This issue has been going on since my mum was at school and decades before. It's nothing new. It has come about because you gave her something she was too young to be responsible for.

The same thing happened with Walkmans, Nintendo players, Tamagotchis, a whole range of tacky overpriced bangles and god knows what else. They cause no end of trouble when given to kids too young for them. They ALWAYS end up at school and cause mayhem. Simple as that. But parents never learn.

OP I think you need to drop this. Your daughter's distress shows she is yet to develop the emotional maturity to deal with the pitfalls of owning an expensive piece of kit.

Yes it shouldn't have been stolen, but when it's a pencil or a hair band it's far easier for kids to handle even though it's taken just as seriously isn't it?

That's what growing up is all about. Learning right and wrong and how to manage difficult situations but in a controlled way without the pressures of adulthood and the stress of expense.

Until the kid with the phone walks in.

We don’t do punishments in our house and Dd knows it wouldn’t be confiscated.

So what are the consequences for doing something she has been forbidden to do?

I would say nothing. You have it back and don't quite know how it happened. No good will come of a follow up message.

I agree with bringmewineandcake the dad should have oucjed up in the fact that his DD style the phone, as she denied it then miraculously found it a minute later when caught. If that was my kid I'd be having words. The fact thay the dad was almost covering for her 'oh your DD must have left it there' makes he think it's not the first time.

I would encourage your DD to cool the friendship as she's obviously not trustworthy.

I would try and have a heart to heart with your DD and get to the bottom of things. I would also tell the school what happened and ask them to get to the bottom of things. If your DD is being bullied or pressurised or stolen from.

I hope that your dad confides in you. It sounds like there is something going on that she doesn’t want to discuss.

9 year olds know that stealing a phone is wrong. They also probably know 9 year olds who take Match Attax cards, rubbers, the £1 coin someone brought in for dressing up day...

Does the other girl have a phone? Has she messaged your dd since the phone was discovered? I’d be asking your dd to read the messages from this girl because you are worried about her. I have 3 teens and have had to ask them a couple of times each. I found worrying texts on 2 occasions so you need to trust your gut. You certainly need to stop the play dates etc.

It looks like the friend took the phone when dd had it out in the cloakroom or when an adult found it, said that she would return it to your dd but kept it instead.

Smartphones don’t have to be pricey. You can get a basic one from Argos for less than £20 (Alcatel). Many 9 year olds own them as their older siblings or parents have upgraded. It’s an easy way to keep in contact with a non-resident parent, grandparents, friends...