DD's friend (both 9) stole her phone

[pinkliquorice]

I will try and keep it short!

9 year old Dd took her phone to school yesterday (no that wasn’t allowed ) came home and told me ( yes we talked about that’s why she isn’t allowed to take it...) , checked the phone tracker I have on my phone and saw that it was at school. Anyway sent her school this morning and gave the office a call to tell them, they said they would find it and keep it for me to collect at the end of the day.
Went to school to pick her up, hadn’t found it, rang it and it just went to voicemail. Didn’t panic because I saw yesterday that it was at school and thought cleaners will find it over the weekend.
Got home and decided to check the tracker agin and it showed as being at her friends house. We drove over there, her dad asked her and she said she didn’t have it so I showed them it was showing up as being there, she went upstairs to check and cane down a few minutes later with it and said she didn’t know how it got there, Dd might of left it there on Tuesday (she was at her house).
I don’t know why and I get this bit sounds strange but I was in a hurry and I don’t know what I was expecting so I didnt really think about it initial we got home and I guess I also wanted to talk to Dd but I just said thanks, took the phone and left. Now Home and proven to Dd and I know that she couldn’t of left it at a friends house on Tuesday because she had it wendays and took it to school Thursday.
This is already really long and I’ve probably missed out details but what do I do now?
Do u forget about now we have the phone back (what Dd wants) or do I need to tell her friends parents and the school that she has properly stolen my daughters phone?
Do you think there is a different explanation to all this in the lives of 9 year old girls?c

And definitely get a pin on it.

I would tell her parents that you're sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that you're DD definitely did not leave her phone at their house on Tuesday. She had it WEdnesday and THursday, as she was using it, and she accidentally left it at school on Thursday. So obviously, their DD must have taken it from school. You would like to know why.

9 is very young to really understand about stealing

Balloonslayer I’m sorry but that really is complete nonsense. 9yo is way beyond the age at which she should know not to do this.

If you can provide screenshots of the tracker info then personally I would quietly provide them to the parents, say that on this occasion you will leave it with them to deal with but explain that their DD will not be allowed in your house again.

I’d confiscate the phone from my DD as a consequence of taking it to school against the rules.

I’d also be checking the phone history to see how the phone was used and check that none of your data was compromised.

You've got the phone back now and that's the main thing. I don't see the point in telling parents that yes their DD is definitely a thief. No phones in school is a sensible rule. I would discourage the friendship as the girl does sound untrustworthy. Tell the school that it mysteriously turned up at the friends house and let the school draw their own conclusions.

The dad might not know though. He might think that the ops dd left it there like his dd said if the op doesn't tell him otherwise.

9 is very young to really understand about stealing

That is the most ridiculous thing to say.

Believe me, a 9 year old is WELL past the age of understanding about stealing. I work in a primary school, primarily with 7, 8 and 9 year olds, and believe me, they all get it ENTIRELY.

Surely her parents realise she knew she had the phone when she lied about it and then went straight away and got it.

Any chance dd lent her the phone then was too scared to tell you?

Lots of kids have phones at 9 round here. Usually a hand me down from their parents after they upgrade to keep in house for games and stuff, or a very cheap smart phone for walking to school and back (which most do when they go into y5)

It’s a parenting choice and passing down an old phone or whatever does not make someone a shit parent, a nt nine year old is capable of knowing why she shouldn’t take her phone in and the consequences, so I’d be removing the phone form her to be honest, absolutely does mean it’s ok for other children to steal it, must children understand the don’t steal well before nine years old.

It being an expensive item is red herring, stealing anything and lying about it never ok.Dd had an item stolen, something very cheap but cherished and something school allowed kids to take in, the girl bragged about stealing from her, I saw her goading her as dd came out of school. I texted her mum and said that her kid had forgotten to hand my dd her item back and we will be passing later is it ok to pop it in to get it as she needed it I’ve read school holidays. Five mins later her father was at my door returning the item, his dd tried to say she didn’t have it, and then he checked her blazer and found it to which she it must have been there from previous week, her dad knew it was fresh blazer that day so she’s lying at very best and stealing probably.

He made it clear that I shouldn’t worry about any repercussions to my dd, and if has ago at my dd for getting her into trouble to let him.

Exactly how I’d react if I thought my kid had stolen something from a friend.

So your daughter lost her phone at school and her friend found it and would probably have kept it if the tracker hadn't shown that it was at her house?

Not sure what you can do about that, but presumably your daughter will only now be given the phone when she needs it & will then hand it back again?

Lucky that you got it back at all!

The incident perfectly illustrates why 9 is too young for a phone and why valuables should not be taken into a primary school.

If this girl is usually nice and there's been no trouble I would leave it tbh.

People suggesting banning her from your house and telling your dd not to be friends is complete overkill if there's no previous history.

I think at 9 they do understand it's stealing but perhaps don't have full realisation of the consequences and can be impulse driven then too afraid to own up.

There no passcode on DDs phone as i thought that would be best so i can check (have now put one on) so her friend would of been able to look at all dd's messages, photos, notes etc which obviously isnt anything inappropraite but there is proberly things that she might not want her friends seeing (especially if she isnt a real friends).
And im worried thats why dd dosnt want to talk about or get her 'friend' in trouble.
I know if it was my child I would say i wanted to know, but if a parent told me what i could tell her friends i would want to belive that their dd was lying or that the parent was wrong and not that my daughter is a lying theif. I dont know what good telling them will do but i dont like the idea of her friend getting away with it!

No, there is no confusion, she stole it, 9 is old enough to know right from wrong, no way would this kid come to my house again, I know she didn't actually steal from your house.

IT honk you have to gauge if raising it with this family will help and achieve anything or not. You know them and if they are likely to get defensive and simply argue she wouldn't have done that, or is they are the kind of people who would want to know about something like this, look into it and deal with it sensibly.

I wouldn't make any accusations - it looks like it's likely she took it but there could be other explanations, so be careful with what you say,mid you decide to raise it.

• I would say that after you got home, you felt a bit worried about the phone being at friends house. You know for sure that DD had it on Weds and then took it to school on Thurs, so just wanted to get to the bottom of how it needed up at friends house. Ask them if they could just look into it for you, because it all seemed a bit odd.

Keep it light and friendly.

The parents can then look into it. It is they have will have to discipline the child if they decide she has stolen, not you, so it is better that they reach the judgment rather than you stating it, when you are not 100% sure.

And whether phones at 9 are common or not, I agree that it is really too young and they don't need expensive objects like this, can easily live without them and then don't have to manage the responsibility of an expensive item which they often can't manage (as shown today) or the other issues which arise with Internet use.

Is there any chance that your DD was coerced/bullied into handing the phone over to the other child?

I think there's also a possibility that your dd thought she would get into trouble at school for having it and then hid it in her friend's bag-with or without permission. I remember something similar happening at primary when I was that age with a valuable bit of jewelry. She then got scared and asked friend if it could go in her bag. Friend's dad found it and went mad at her for stealing it.

Does the tracking software give you some any history? I think if you can confirm either by that, or by phone calls placed between tuesday and thursday it would be worth bringing it up.

Yeah, doesn’t it seem that the DD lent the phone to her friend?

She toook it in, when not allowed.
Friend took it from school to home.
DD isn’t bothered.

Seems that they have a plan between the two of them for friend to use the phone.

Again DD is keeping the phone.
We use it for when she is at a sleepover/friends house/ music lesson/gymnastics etc and needs picking up, she has also started going to our local park and corner shop alone so i want her to have a phone that I can track and contact her on. Dp often works away and its nice that she can text and ring him herself.
I also like that she can play games, take photos and listen to music in the car for example.
So DD having a phone is not my issue.

It could be a possibility that dd also knows more than shes telling me as shes being quite and getting upset if i suggest telling friend parents or the school.
I'm more worried that shes not telling me because she being bullied or is scared. I have told her that if she let her friend borrow her phone then neither will be in trouble and i wouldnt tell her parents but shes still saying she dosnt know why her friend had it?

9 year old Dd took her phone to school yesterday (no that wasn’t allowed I must have missed it but did your DD told you that she lost it? Did you ask your DD why she took her phone to school knowing it wasn't allowed. Was she showing off? Where was the phone last seen ie did she just left it lying about recklessly? What was the repercussion for breaking the NO PHONE TO SCHOOL rule? but i dont like the idea of her friend getting away with it!

all dd's messages, photos, notes etc which obviously isnt anything inappropraite but there is proberly things that she might not want her friends seeing (especially if she isnt a real friends) At 9, she doesn't need any fancy smartphone. It's a privilege. Just get her some basic ones that's sufficient for her to call/text for pickup or emergency. You should also remind your daughter not to write inappropriate texts or join in gossips if you're worried.

Dd insists she isn’t bothered You've already got the phone back and let it be a lesson learned moving forwards. Just deal with the rule breaker.

I think you are jumping to conclusions, had there been anything else between the two which makes you think this is bullying?

How is 9 too young to know about stealing?

She would not ne welcome in my house.

Sorry to hijack but just wondered how do you track your child's phone?
Genuine question. I feel like a dinosaur but have no idea. Also does it work if parent has an iPhone and child has Android?