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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, broken nights

155 replies

Turkkadin · 02/11/2017 23:12

There are regularly threads started on MN about months of broken nights, breastfeeding and having babies sleeping in bed with you.
I'm not trying to be goads or unsympathetic, just trying to compare styles of parenting young babies. Maybe it's a generational thing as I'm 52. All 3 of mine were breastfed from birth for 3 weeks then bottle fed.
They weren't rocked to sleep and were often put to bed at night awake.
None ever co slept with us. They all went through the night from a matter of weeks old and all were good settled sleepers. I'm not saying our way was better but it seemed a lot simpler.

OP posts:
Thirtyrock39 · 03/11/2017 08:27

Hmmm I do think that the current trend for never leaving babies to cry or self soothe is causing a lot of sleep problems for children and a lot of exhausted parents . I think after 6 months it's important to start taking steps to teach babies how to sleep on their own and self settle . I think there's a lot of scare mongerong EE stress levels caused by crying with no thought to the effects on a child of poor sleep

Notthisagainnow · 03/11/2017 08:40

The people made to feel like shit on MN IMO are mothers who choose to BF for longer than 2 weeks and then have the nerve to go online and moan about being tired

I'm sorry but that's total bollocks. I had nothing but fantastic BF advice on mumsnet.

Notthisagainnow · 03/11/2017 08:41

I think there's a lot of scare mongerong EE stress levels caused by crying with no thought to the effects on a child of poor sleep

I agree but otoh I think there is way too much judgment on both sides wrt everything.

Just let people do what works for them ffs.

eeanne · 03/11/2017 09:16

Notthisagainnow there’s a thread now where a woman asks for advice on how to manage going back to work 12 months PP and several people responded saying she should stop BF even though she’s down to 2 feeds a day Hmm

Halfdrankbrew · 03/11/2017 10:12

Op you sound like my husband's grandma (she's nearly 90) she's obsessed with routine and me getting our 3 month old into a routine. I'm breast feeding on demand night and day and she can't get her head around it. She bottle fed and had her children sleeping through just like you. She loves to tell me this and when I try to explain what I'm doing (politely) she looks away in a huff as though I'm doing it all wrong. This is our second child and I don't really take much notice of what other people did or do. Every baby is different and whatever works for you (within reason) works for you. My mum in her 60s fed me and my 2 siblings until we we 12 months, her experience was very similar to mine.

Original poster
Turkkadin · 03/11/2017 11:11

I'm not trying to tell anyone they are doing anything wrong. My point was being exhausted from months of broken nights isn't good for the Mum or baby surely. If you don't mind being shattered and sleep deprived then carry on. It's everyone's own personal choice.
I have absolutely never left my children to cry in the night and never said I did. Why would I do that? I never said I had strict routines over anything. I just put them to bed when awake or asleep and bottle fed from 3 weeks old. They weren't put in bed with us and it didn't feel as if I was being at all cruel! They were still bottle fed in the night. I never said I left them hungry and upset as has been suggested. That is not a strict routine. I went out whenever I wanted and came home when I was ready. I wasn't strict about anything and never have been.

I'm sorry I couldn't express an alternative opinion without being accused of neglect. I'm not a neglectful mum and I wouldnt accuse anyone else of being one either. It's a tough enough job as it is.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 03/11/2017 11:16

Well then maybe don't start threads implying everyone who doesn't do things your way is wrong...? Hmm

FurryGiraffe · 03/11/2017 11:28

You got lucky OP.

I got lucky with DS1. He was BF, but slept quite happily in his cot from day one, waking a couple of times in the night. He slept 7-6 at 12 weeks, with no effort from me. He fed to sleep until about six months when he simply stopped, I popped him in the cot, and he went to sleep on his own. Then the 18 month sleep regression hit and it all went to pot.

DS2 was an entirely different story. Would only sleep on me for several weeks, then in sidecar with me touching him. He’s 18 months now and has slept through the night once in his life. I haven’t done anything differently, except be a bit less responsive because DS1 needs my attention sometimes too. He has some health issues which interrupt his sleep which doesn’t help. But he didn’t have them as a newborn and was still an entirely different baby sleep-wise.

Threenme · 03/11/2017 11:32

Both bottle fed, slept through by six weeks and would go down awake. Little one now is a few weeks will go down on his own awake happily, drains bottle in under 15 mins and only wakes up once or twice at the most. My secret- pure and unadulterated luck!

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/11/2017 11:41

So you advocate formula feeding over breastfeeding due to your opinion that this leads to better sleep earlier on, is that right?

@Turkkadin did it ever occur to you that some babies won't be put down (awake or asleep) and that you were fortunate to have babies that would.

Interestingly, research has shown that breastfeeding mothers get the same sleep as those that formula feed (see here for more detail: https://www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/howbabiesssleep/normalsleeppdevelopment/sleepandd_feeding/)

AnnaT45 · 03/11/2017 11:46

OP as a parent you can surely appreciate that all children are different. Some sleep well, some can breastfeed, some can’t, some are very active, some can’t be arsed, some are clingy, some have meltdowns and so on and so forth.

You just happened to get good sleepers. But I’m sure there were areas they weren’t amazing in. For example my two aren’t great sleepers. But there absolute angels in the day. They don’t seem to suffer from lack of sleep and I’ve learnt to survive off a few hours.

I really wish women would stop judging each other. And to the poster who said she felt like a crap Mum as her baby slept really well early on, don’t. You have little control over a newborn so it has little to do with parenting!

Oly5 · 03/11/2017 11:58

Why start the thread then if you’re so non-judgemental?
Well, I’ve decided to judge you... for only bf for three weeks. So there

Starwhisperer · 03/11/2017 12:00

Ah, the women with "good" babies who think they've cracked parenting.

Starwhisperer · 03/11/2017 12:01

@Oly5 please don't say that, as a non-judgey parent who is struggling beyond belief with bfing it really stings.

KipperBalloon · 03/11/2017 12:04

Why did you only breastfeed for three weeks?

BackBoiler · 03/11/2017 12:04

I find it easier to go to them than leaving them to cry. They are only little once and although the youngest was only 9 weeks when she was in her own room she is welcome to sleep with me whenever she feels the need. (As are the elder two!) Even my 9 yo sometimes wants a cuddle when he is feeling upset or ill and DH swaps beds with him!

Original poster
Turkkadin · 03/11/2017 12:07

Oly5
Judge away. I wouldn't mind at all if you judged me because I only breastfed for 3 weeks. It wasn't for me and I admire Mum's who persevere when the going gets tough and carry on.

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 03/11/2017 12:10

You got lucky op.
These threads never end well

Original poster
Turkkadin · 03/11/2017 12:13

As for not co-sleeping. We were advised not to as it was dangerous. It wasn't because I didn't want my babies near me. What they didn't have they didn't seem to miss maybe.

OP posts:
runsoncaffeine · 03/11/2017 12:13

Not even sure what the AIBU is.

1st DC BF til 5 months, slept through from 13 weeks, never co-slept, never cried, when put down. Must’ve been my excellent parenting 🙄 Then I had my 2nd DC 3 years later. Didn’t sleep through til 2.5 years, still wants to be cuddled to sleep, doesn’t sleep in our bed - we sleep in his!

No difference in our attitudes towards either child. You got lucky!

putdownyourphone · 03/11/2017 12:15

But Op you are implying that people should formula feed and then they will get a good nights sleep, rather than putting baby's health first. It's not judgment about FF, it's pure fact.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 03/11/2017 12:16

I'm 50, so I doubt it's generational. Hmm

Mine coslept and breastfed until they didn't want to anymore.

Sashkin · 03/11/2017 12:20

So if you had to get up in the night to bottlefeed your babies....what exactly is your point? Yours were waking up in the night too.

My breastfed son goes down at 7pm (fed to sleep), wakes at around midnight, then goes back to sleep immediately post-feed until 8am. Been like that since he was six weeks old. Just think, if only you’d breastfed like me, your children would have slept as well as mine and you could have avoided all of those middle of the night bottlefeeds, you poor thing.

Halfdrankbrew · 03/11/2017 12:23

I think you got lucky in that case op or you must be genetically predisposed to producing babies who sleep? I got neither.

Original poster
Turkkadin · 03/11/2017 12:23

But I never said I was an excellent parent anywhere. I just said I didn't long term breastfeed, co sleep or rock them to sleep and they all got into the swing of it quickly. That doesn't make me excellent at anything at all. Why would you jump to this conclusion that I'm trying to tell anyone what to do. If I was exhausted from lack of sleep I wouldnt mind hearing about other mums experiences who arnt exhausted from lack of sleep. It doesn't mean I'm going to do the same or agree with it but maybe I might. Who knows?

OP posts: