To text my sister and ask why she didn't get me a birthday present?

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I've put off texting as it's quite an awkward one to send. I want to let her know I'm hurt without coming off as 'grabby'. I let it slide last year but feel this needs addressed now.

As she has always be terrible with money I just assumed she is skint. But then see pics of her out for Halloween so clearly not that skint. I asked our bro if he had got anything for his bday and he said he did get a small gesture so now I'm even more hurt and confused.

How do I phrase this text?

It's not really about the actual gift per se it more that the absence of it feels like a lack of thought of care. I'd honestly be happy with a Twix or a few pretty flowers or favourite magazine.

I get that you're hurt about it but at a certain age don't you think sibling presents become a bit irrelevant anyway? Me and my brother haven't bought each other anything for birthdays in about 5 years - because we are both busy with our own lives and understand its just another day, we send each other a text (both of us have to be texted by mother to remind us first!) we don't even send cards as neither of us can be arsed buying one! My DH is the same with his siblings - he doesn't even register his brother on his birthday and only sends his sister a text if he remembers and they are the same with him. It doesn't stop any of us from having a good relationship with our siblings

What Evelynismyspyname said.

Also see the No Unnecessry Present Pact. I know it's about Christmas but the principle can be applied to all sorts of gifts for adults.

If you want something, choose and buy it yourself. Saves masses of angst, waste and money.

You're an adult. Get over it. Why should she get you a present?? Very odd. Stop getting her presents if it offends you. Seriously I think you need to reassess your priorities. It's her money and her choice.

I don't know any adult who 'expects' a gift of any sort, at any time.

I see this attitude on MN a lot and it always baffles me. If your husband for eg didn't get you a birthday present out of the blue would you not be upset? I would.

IRL I don't know any adult who doesn't get some form of gift for their birthday. If you get them every year of course you will expect them. Weird attitude.

Seriously how old are you?!

Apart from my partner, I don't expect or receive gifts for any adult on my birthday, nor do I give any! (flowers to mum and MIL exceptions).

My siblings call me, and I them. If we remember in enough time we send a card, but a call is someone taking the time to speak to you and spend a few moments with you on your birthday.

Surely that's more important than a gift? Just sounds so childish.

Sister, you forgot my birthday, is everything OK?

I see this attitude on MN a lot and it always baffles me. If your husband for eg didn't get you a birthday present out of the blue would you not be upset? I would.

I personally would be upset if the people I live with didn't acknowledge my birthday in some way, but that doesn't mean gift. Would I be upset if I only got a card from my partner? Not really, though I wouldn't do actual presents for his birthday again either. Quite honestly, in a romantic relationship it's more about how you treat each other all year, rather than someone half-thought gift on your birthday. My partner surprised me with a book I had mentioned once a couple of weeks ago as a 'possible Xmas gift'. That was very meaningful to me, there was no occasion, he just thought 'I deserved something nice' without the wait'. Doesn't bother me in the slightest if that means one less thing for Xmas itself.

Anyone else though, no I don't think a gift is required, especially for adult birthdays. If you want a big deal made of it, you plan something. Even if it's just a slice of cake at your house, at least that way you're asking people to acknowledge it.

Sister, you forgot my birthday, is everything OK?

If I received that text, that would p me off and make me never want to buy you a present again, or even try to remember to buy you a present, ever again. I might reply thus:

"Yes, everything's OK thanks. Why? Are you being passive aggressive or just grabby and entitled?"

I don't think my brother has ever bought me a birthday present... He's a knob though. Maybe your sister's a knob too? You'll probably find out eventually if she is. I only discovered the true extent of my brother's knobbishness fairly recently.

Did she acknowledge your birthday?
Did you get a card?
Did you get her a card & gift for her birthday?

What is your relationship like normally?

Yes she did send a card so that was lovely.

As I said it's not about the gift AT ALL. And I certainly don't want a retrospective gift. I think it's the lack of communication that's bothered me. If she doesn't want to do presents anymore then I will be fine with that but even just a text or conversation about it would make things much clearer. If she'd said last month "hey sis I don't think we should do presents anymore what do you think?" Then I would know where I stand.

I probably will still get her a bday present next year just as I did this year. But maybe I will start the conversation about presents in case she hasn't wanted to bring it up herself.

How can it be about lack of communication if she sent you a card ? Just send her a card for her birthday.

Ah a card is fine then. Just stop buying birthday presents. Use the money you would have used to buy one for her to buy one for yourself! Then go out for a meal with her and split the bill (unless she's a knob).

She sent you a card. She acknowledged your birthday.
in conclusion YABU.

It does seem to be about the gift though. There is no lack of communication, she sent a card. Don't send a text, it would just be weird.

She sent you a card! And if it’s a big deal (and clearly it is about the gift!) ring her, why the fuck would you text? It’s so passive aggressive. If it’s important use the bloody phone as a phone !!

Card = acknowledgment and communication. YABU, if it's not about gifts then I'm rather confused about what your OP is actually about .

mention xmas.say hey sis just sorting Christmas list out. completely no pressure as its one less thing to think bout eh, butsince I didn't get a birthday present are we foregoing gifts at Christmas too do you think?

I sort of get what you’re saying OP. Your sister got your brother an birthday present and you’re hurt and wondering why she didn’t do the same for you.

How close are you with your sister? And how close are your sister and brother? The answer may lay there.

But maybe I will start the conversation about presents in case she hasn't wanted to bring it up herself.

Why do you feel a need to start a conversation which you know she doesn't wish to have or feel a need to have?

What's your obsession about presents really about?

*Yes she did send a card so that was lovely.

As I said it's not about the gift AT ALL. And I certainly don't want a retrospective gift. I think it's the lack of communication that's bothered me.*

Just let it go for goodness sake. She sent you a card. She communicated. It's just not enough for you.

Take a step back, and put things in to perspective for a little while...

I'd do what kate suggests and sort out Xmas now if it's going to upset you not receiving one from her

She got you a card? Come on man you can’t mither her about presents. Just don’t do presents anymore. A card is fine.

This has just reminded me why I don't often post on MN. Look for advice and come away feeling shit about yourself.

Thanks to those who have given actual constructive advice (both the positive and negative) rather than just unecessarily mean comments. Based on the advice so far, I think I will just leave it and not say anything.