To text my sister and ask why she didn't get me a birthday present?

[u32ng]

I've put off texting as it's quite an awkward one to send. I want to let her know I'm hurt without coming off as 'grabby'. I let it slide last year but feel this needs addressed now.

As she has always be terrible with money I just assumed she is skint. But then see pics of her out for Halloween so clearly not that skint. I asked our bro if he had got anything for his bday and he said he did get a small gesture so now I'm even more hurt and confused.

How do I phrase this text?

It's not really about the actual gift per se it more that the absence of it feels like a lack of thought of care. I'd honestly be happy with a Twix or a few pretty flowers or favourite magazine.

[PandorasXbox]

Does she normally buy you a present OP?

Tbh I’m not bothered about presents on my birthday. A card is more important to me showing that thar person has thought about me.

It’s not like she ignored your birthday. I wouldn’t send her a text asking why there was no present.

[PandorasXbox]

Sorry crossed post OP.

[MsPassepartout]

If my siblings and I normally exchanged gifts at birthdays, and then my sister didn’t give me any birthday present at all - but still gave my brother a birthday present - then yes, I’d be a bit upset about it.

But there’s no way of bringing this up with your sister without it sounding grabby.

No birthday presents from siblings here though, we all mutually agreed a few years ago not to do birthday presents any more. But this was all agreed in advance of the actual birthdays.

[LesDennishair]

No, you shouldn't ask. My sibling did the same a few years ago and I ignored it. She sent you a card in any case. Will you still continue to buy presents for her (I'm guessing you do).

[Pearlsaringer]

You are making too much of this. She sent you a lovely card. On her birthday, send her a lovely card and don’t bother with a present as she won’t (or shouldn’t) be expecting one.

Maybe worth having the conversation about Christmas presents in case she is thinking about scaling back generally.

DON’T mention birthday presents, it will sound grabby and petulant.

[NameChangeFamousFolk]

Me and my siblings always send Birthday cards to each other and every now and then someone will get it together to send a gift (we're in different countries). But it's fairly random. We love each other, we're pretty close but don't really care about this kind of thing.

She sent a card to acknowledge your Birthday. Honestly, to say anything about a gift would indeed sound somewhat grabby and a bit juvenile. Life's too short to fall out with siblings over stuff like this.

[Collaborate]

My sister didn't get me a present one year (this was around 12 years ago). She was skint that month and told me she'd get me one the next month. I told her not to worry, and she didn't have to get me one. I got her a present for her birthday 6 months later. My next birthday I didn't get a present from her again. Not a problem, and I took it to be an opportunity for ending the merry-go-round of us getting each other presents we don't need. So when her birthday came round I sent her a card but no present.

Around 3 weeks later I had my mum on the phone saying my sister was wondering when she'd be getting her birthday present. I explained all the above. A day later I got a call from my sister, having a go at me for telling my mum and not raising it with her instead (I know!).

We don't speak now for various reasons and recalling this particular episode reminds me why I prefer it this way.

OP - take it as an opportunity to just not get each other birthday presents any more.

[BeachyKeen]

Do you and she get on normally?

[Breadwithgarlicon]

I think I would text her something like, "I missed connecting with you on my birthday this year. Life passes by so quickly. Let's get together for a proper catch up soon. xx"

I wouldn't mention the present if it really isn't about that.

[Corcory]

I think that if you did call her out on it you would never know if she was giving you a present begrudgingly in the future and was only doing it because you had told her.

[BernardBlacksHangover]

I agree with corcory, that if you mention it and she feels obliged to buy presents in the future it might be a bit of an awkward / elephant in the room type situation EVERY birthday from now on.

[HotelEuphoria]

I work with someone who never gets anything off her sister, often not even a card, but her sister always borrows money and expects a present off her. My colleague's present never gets mentioned, not does she get a happy birthday on the day.

They are twins!

[BarbarianMum]

You don't, you just take your lead from her. From now on, card but no present.

[DunkMeInTomatoSoup]

This has just reminded me why I don't often post on MN. Look for advice and come away feeling shit about yourself.

Well it's often in the phrasing of the opening post:

ask where my present is - not a good idea, sounds grabby

ponder and suggest that as shes is bad with money, relieve her of all obligations and suggest no prezzies going forward - utterly brilliant idea!

[BernardBlacksHangover]

Xmas could be awkward though unless you agree what you're doing... What if she buys the op a lovely gift and the op is empty handed?

Agree to follow the sister's lead with birthdays though.

[BoredOnMatLeave]

Stop buying her presents! She doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore.

Just send "Hey Sis, Hope your OK. Just wanted to check we aren't doing b'day or Christmas gifts anymore? Catch up soon"

[messyjessy17]

How do I phrase this text?

Like this:
"

"

[TonicAndTonic]

Tbh I can't think of a way you you could ask her that wouldn't come across as grabby.

I let it slide last year

Does that mean it's been 2 years in a row of no present from her? That sounds like a fairly clear message that she doesn't want to do presents. I think all you can do is stop buying for her. I do get that it's sad though, I exchange gifts with my bro and I'd be a bit upset if he didn't want to do it any more.

[ButchyRestingFace]

This has just reminded me why I don't often post on MN. Look for advice and come away feeling shit about yourself

Oh come on, this thread is as tame as fuck.

She got you a card - birthday acknowledged. At least she isn’t sending you pointless tat that you then have to agonise over how to dispose of w/o hurting her poor wee feelings and causing a family rift that will last several generations.

I’d stop giving her pressies and just send a nice card instead.

[LushBlitzer]

I understand OP if you got her presents for her birthday but she hasn't reciprocated the last two years.

If (as some posters have suggested) doesn't want to exchange presents, be a grown up and say this to the OP. Because otherwise it just looks like the sister is being grabby, she wants presents from others but won't give any back.

[FlouncyDoves]

I wouldn’t say anything but I also wouldn’t get her one next year.

Send a card and leave it at that. Everyone can be happy that way.

It’s gotten to the point with my family that they send cash in a card and on theirs’ I send them cash in card. So daft. Might just as well hang onto the cash in the first place.

[nameusername]

It's best that you speak to her personally rather than texting and best to do it when your calm. Write down the speech so it doesn't come across as accusatory. It depends on how close the dynamic your siblings have and see what sort of tradition you both want ie cards only, text, call or all of it? It's only unreasonable if she called you and demanded x/y/z for her birthday gift and not get anything for you on yours.

[FrenchJunebug]

my brother never send me a gift for my birthday and I don't mind. I am an adult and don't expect the world to stop for my birthday and for gifts to pour in! YABU.

[Mittens1969]

I’d be very happy not to get pressies from my DB for my birthday/Christmas. He always gives me a book I have zero interest in. I do think it gets ridiculous with adult siblings having to rack our brains thinking of pressies to give. It’s just a waste of money.

Just don’t give your DSis a pressie for her birthday and see if she reacts negatively. Or ask a question about Christmas pressies, as has been suggested.