To be driven insane by 18 & 20 year old DC

[Nicecuppatea21]

They do as little as possible and rarely do it unless they are told to. I am 50, they are 19 & 20 and I have had enough. Our washing machine died a week ago and I am running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get washing done in neighbours etc until pay day.

I went up to DS room just now to tell him to put dirty clothes in washing basket so I could take to neighbours and he flipped. I was literally doing him a favour and he said I will do it tomorrow etc. Believe me he won't.

This is just an example of why I am reaching the end of living with them both. I am constantly fantasing about them leaving. I want to fast forward 4 years until they leave. I love them but I can't take anymore of their bullshit.

I didn't spoil them and didn't have money to spoil them. I split from their father when DD was one & a half and I was 8 weeks pregnannt with DD. He was a dickhead and undermined me as much as possible.

It's been tough but this bullshit from a 18 & 20 year old is demoralising me. Will this ever end? I am just ranting and don't need solutions because I've tried everything.

I just want them to leave so I can get back to my life. Please don't accused me of being neglectful, I'm not. I just don't want to feel alone.

Thank you for listening.

Hmm. I know a 50 year old who still lives at home, pays his way, works hard but has loads of expendable income he spends on his hobbies and going out with his pals. And here I am, left home a few decades ago @ 17 y/o, working all hours to keep a roof: what price independence? :-D

@Zaphod my mum hired a van and brought the contents of my room up to my beautiful new house. I was livid. It worked though!

indeed Jaxom. indeed. but you have a clear conscious and a more "realistic" knowledge of the world, not simply based on an easier lifestyle perhaps? its a difficult one, I know. somehow, i think we have to embrace the "life" we have been given with our best endeavours.

best heart, best creative appreciation might be better wording than 'endeavours'!

Don’t put off buying a new washing machine as it’s such an inconvenience not having one - just make it clear that they wash their own things from now. When it arrives have a fam meeting and set out your new expectations. Remove the family laundry basket and replace it with smaller ones for their bedrooms.

They can definitely handle doing their own laundry (among other things), it’s just that they have you basically being a maid so why would they bother?

Again they’re adults now, treat them like housemates/lodgers/adult friends staying with you etc and not children

I haven't read to the end of the replies sorry nicecuppa but I wanted to post. At 20 I lived at home (was at uni but living at home). My mum definitely had her own life from when I was about 16. She didn't do my washing. If I didn't do it myself I wouldn't have had any clean clothes! I had a part time job and paid for everything myself. We led totally separate lives, I suppose I was more like a lodger. Just live your life and let your dc get on with theirs, they'll soon learn to take responsibility for themselves.

Personally I would start charging them rent.

OP, I so identified with your first post. Mine are now mid-20s, and we (as a family, I was also an SP) went through some nightmare times when they were about the age yours are now. Don't worry if one talk isn't enough to completely solve the problems - there will be some ingrained habits which won't be broken overnight. But they sound like basically nice young people who will fairly soon now become decent, caring adults. Mine are lovely and I sometimes wish they still lived with me - what you're going through is what happens when your relationship changes from you being the provider of everything to you all being adults on a more equal footing. Change is often uncomfortable!

You asked if it will ever end. Yes it will, and it sounds like you're taking the right steps to move to the adult:adult stage of your relationship with them. Congratulations, and have some

I’m another who disliked my children during the student years. They were away and full time students but in the holidays (although they all had part time jobs) I found them hard to live with. They lived like pigs, were nocturnal and knew everything, it was very wearing. I’m pleased to say, now they’re grown ups they’ve grown out of it though are capable of referring to infanthood when on visits home. I can honestly say I found parenting young adults much harder than babies or teenagers!

I for one think you're still doing too much for them.

They can make their own way to their DF's by bus, train, or feet, especially if they're getting stroppy. If they can't manage to be driven somewhere for free without moaning and being rude, or to do things for themselves without leaving others to pick up their slack, how will they ever manage as employees, flatmates, partners?

I think that getting the new washing machine - rather than leaving it for now - would help you most. Leaving it is only more fuss for you, in the end. If you get the one in your home fixed, they'll be able (and likely) to actually USE it. Just don't ever do another stitch of their washing, even if you're already doing a small load of your own. They have GOT to learn to do for themselves.

And don't give them any patience! This isn't some "hard time" they need a bit to adjust to, like parents separating or learning to live with only one arm. This is REAL LIFE, nothing more.

Good luck, and let us know how you and they get on! I know it's difficult, but you can and must go through with it and be firm. It's for their own good, even more than yours!

Your support has been amazing! I can't mention everyone but honestly I am touched. I cleared out the room in the landing where I keep the laundry basket. I bought 2 huge green plastic buckets and put them in their rooms. The basket is for my clothes only.

I won't be doing their washing and if they leave wet clothes in the washing machine for a long time I will put the clothes in the shed.

My DS rang earlier to say that his dad came home a day early and asked if could he come home this evening. I said no and hung up.

I've really had it with them and posting this thread has made me realise that it can't continue..

When DS comes home tomorrow I am telling them both that I won't put up with abuse from either of them. I will strongly suggest that they leave if they don't like it.

You are dead right about the lifts, that's stopping too.

I'm getting a new machine next week so that we can start the new regime quickly.

Ooooh! Well then I take that last comment right back!! Sounds like you're doing wonderfully!

They're going to hate it, but unfortunately that's what they need.

You've got this. :)

Yes! Congrats!

Get a list ready of what you want to change ie laundry, lifts, dinner(?) food/toiletry shopping(?) and go over it tomorrow with them. Time for them to start being independent

Very good idea Fash. I look forward to drafting that list.

I can honestly say I found parenting young adults much harder than babies or teenagers!

That's because you shouldn't try to parent them but should treat them as the adults they believe they are.

Well done, cuppatea. Keep it going!

I'd say don't bother going over the list with them.
Just give them a copy each and tell them to ask you if there's anything they don't understand.

I second that.
If you talk through the list it gives them an opportunity to negotiate. Much better to hand them the list as a statement of future requirements.

And if there's any moaning, act bewildered and ask if they are actually not adults after all