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Original poster

To be driven insane by 18 & 20 year old DC

95 replies

Nicecuppatea21 · 02/11/2017 00:56

They do as little as possible and rarely do it unless they are told to. I am 50, they are 19 & 20 and I have had enough. Our washing machine died a week ago and I am running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get washing done in neighbours etc until pay day.

I went up to DS room just now to tell him to put dirty clothes in washing basket so I could take to neighbours and he flipped. I was literally doing him a favour and he said I will do it tomorrow etc. Believe me he won't.

This is just an example of why I am reaching the end of living with them both. I am constantly fantasing about them leaving. I want to fast forward 4 years until they leave. I love them but I can't take anymore of their bullshit.

I didn't spoil them and didn't have money to spoil them. I split from their father when DD was one & a half and I was 8 weeks pregnannt with DD. He was a dickhead and undermined me as much as possible.

It's been tough but this bullshit from a 18 & 20 year old is demoralising me. Will this ever end? I am just ranting and don't need solutions because I've tried everything.

I just want them to leave so I can get back to my life. Please don't accused me of being neglectful, I'm not. I just don't want to feel alone.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Mrscog · 02/11/2017 06:31

Theoldtrout - do you mean student loans from the government? If so paying them off quickly is very bad advice. He would be better off getting savings together.

It might be better for you to charge him rent but then save it on his behalf if he's frittering money.

Bunnychopz · 02/11/2017 06:35

Look. They’ve got mates. They can organise their own clothes washing. Just do your own. Same with bedsheets.

Same with food. Stick a rota up of whose cooking and whose washing up each day. If they don’t cook there’s no food and if they don’t wash up there’s no dishes. Natural consequences. You just oook after yourself if things fall apart.

Things have to fall apart first sorry op. You need to stop rescuing them and enable them to mature into fully functioning adults. Having clear boundaries now will prepare them for adult responsibilities. It’s good parenting.

Original poster
Nicecuppatea21 · 02/11/2017 07:51

Thank you so much for your replies and for not criticising me. Your messages are so supportive. JWrecks we will be having that conversation this evening. I need to stop this because it is affecting my quality of life. I will let you know how I get on.

OP posts:
TheViceOfReason · 02/11/2017 08:45

Call them both downstairs, sit down with a tea / coffee / whatever and simply say to them:

"you are both adults, from now on you will pay £x per week which will be a token towards your board, electric, water, internet, TV and groceries. I will NOT be doing your cooking, cleaning and washing."

And mean it.

They are royally taking the piss, and although you don't mean to, you ARE spoiling them. If they don't do their washing, then that is their problem. They will have to ask neighbours or go to a launderette themselves.

nameusername · 02/11/2017 11:45

If they don't do their washing, then that is their problem. I can't remember which TV program but the lads joked that they just turn their underwear inside out..yikes.

DarkPeakScouter · 02/11/2017 11:53

Sometimes you need to let them fail at small things so they don’t fail at the large. Let them sort their own washing as they are old enough. If they want to be treated as adults they need to act as adults

scampimom · 02/11/2017 11:59

Just reading this has made me so cross on your behalf! Accuse you of neglect?? You've been far from neglectful. They're taking the piss and don't even realise. I agree with PP who said they'll soon realise how good they've got it now when they're in shared accommodation - the bin fairy will die, the washing up fairy will disappear, the shopping fairy will go on holiday and the laundry fairy will fuck right off. AND they'd have to pay their own way.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2017 12:02

Just stop! Let them wear dirty clothes. They need to look after themselves.

My Mum stopped cooking for us mid-teens. Funnily enough, me, DSis and DBro all learned to cook without burning the house down...

TheWorldIsMyCakePop · 02/11/2017 12:06

My 10 year old is responsible for putting her washing in the basket and clean washing back into her drawers. She can put stuff in the dishwasher and makes her own bed/tidies her room. I'm also just starting to teach her to cook.

Good luck with changing their behaviour.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/11/2017 12:08

I would do what TheViceOfReason suggests and add 'stop taking the piss'.

You didnt let anything happen. Society has changed, thats why we have changed. Discipline in school is different from how it used to be and they are there 8 hours a day.

snorkmaiden68 · 02/11/2017 12:27

We can both laugh about it now but my ds once said to me over a cleaning row 'well you're good at it, you do it for a living ' (I had taken a second job as a nightclub cleaner for Xmas cash at the time). I wanted to thump him! But he had to eat his words when he also took a second job as a cleaner to save up for something. He then told me he didn't realise how hard cleaning was! Managed to resist the I told you so lecture Grin

JWrecks · 02/11/2017 16:49

Good on you @Nicecuppa. You will be soooo much happier, and your kids will learn loads that they need from it. You can't go on like this!

Turkkadin · 02/11/2017 22:51

It's interesting to hear you say you don't want them to have to struggle like you did?? What exactly does this mean? Not having to do a bloody thing for themselves while you struggle until your last breath?
You are still struggling and always will if you don't stop acting like a servant to these adult kids. Stop every bit of help you give them and make them stand on their own two feet and don't feel bloody guilty about either. You have done everything for them but you arnt doing them any good.

Reflexella · 02/11/2017 23:50

Go. On. Strike

OnlyToday · 03/11/2017 00:17

I actually don't think the chores are the issue it's the lack of respect. Having an 18 year old flip out because he is asked to do something is awful.

JWrecks · 03/11/2017 04:24

Do let us know how you get on, @Cuppa, if you can - with the conversation, but especially also with how you hold up watching them go off in their unwashed kit (or if they actually got up and did it themselves yet!) and all that.

I know from experience, this can be very hard for you at first, but you MUSTN'T cave, you MUSTN'T go back on it. Just remember, and keep telling yourself if you need to, this is for their own good. It really is love! Just because it will make your life easier, doesn't mean you should feel guilty about it, doesn't mean it's cruel, doesn't mean they don't desperately need it!

This could be tough, I know, so we're here for support if you need us.

KimmySchmidt1 · 03/11/2017 06:32

Give them lots of emotional support but don't do their chores.

Therealslimshady1 · 03/11/2017 06:41

Go on strike, run a very minimal house

Don't cook for them.

If it is too cosy at home, they'll never leave

Topnotes · 03/11/2017 06:50

It may sound daft, but can you move house? My parents moved when I was about 18 and, not having the house I grew up in to return to in Uni holidays, made me view things quite differently. It did make me grow up. I've often reflected that that event triggered my independence and maturity and I was more grown up in my attitude to everythin.

VanillaSugar · 03/11/2017 07:04

@Topnotes we have just put our family home in the market due to unforeseen circumstances and DD (19, 2nd year uni) is understandably upset about it. She's a smart, independent, delightful young woman but she does bugger all at home.

TobleroneBoo · 03/11/2017 07:14

Hope your chat went well OP Flowers

FenceSitter01 · 03/11/2017 07:19

Install those coin operated washing machine at your house.

The Op cant afford to get her machine fixed let alone buy a new one.

sandgrown · 03/11/2017 07:20

How did it go OP?

lynmilne65 · 03/11/2017 07:37

o yeah.Out !!!

Jasminedes · 03/11/2017 08:04

You have done nothing wrong, you have cared for their needs because that is kind and its a nice thing to do, however they have not made the progress to both doing things for themselves and respecting others. My sister in law gave her over 20s a years notice that they needed to move out as she would be selling the house and downsizing. They left and are now proper grown ups with their own families. Her house didn't sell and she has stayed put happily. Have the chat and make some changes now, but also consider giving them and yourself a deadline for moving out. And start doing exactly what you want to do, and going exactly where you want to, including on holiday, even if that inconveniences them. (This bit is hard, I think, after being used to not doing your own thing).