To be driven insane by 18 & 20 year old DC

[Nicecuppatea21]

They do as little as possible and rarely do it unless they are told to. I am 50, they are 19 & 20 and I have had enough. Our washing machine died a week ago and I am running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get washing done in neighbours etc until pay day.

I went up to DS room just now to tell him to put dirty clothes in washing basket so I could take to neighbours and he flipped. I was literally doing him a favour and he said I will do it tomorrow etc. Believe me he won't.

This is just an example of why I am reaching the end of living with them both. I am constantly fantasing about them leaving. I want to fast forward 4 years until they leave. I love them but I can't take anymore of their bullshit.

I didn't spoil them and didn't have money to spoil them. I split from their father when DD was one & a half and I was 8 weeks pregnannt with DD. He was a dickhead and undermined me as much as possible.

It's been tough but this bullshit from a 18 & 20 year old is demoralising me. Will this ever end? I am just ranting and don't need solutions because I've tried everything.

I just want them to leave so I can get back to my life. Please don't accused me of being neglectful, I'm not. I just don't want to feel alone.

Thank you for listening.

I live with my adult daughters, one works and one doesn’t(has some special needs). I work full time. The daughter who doesn’t work is responsible for all our washing and cleaning downstairs and the other daughter for cleaning upstairs. I cook when I feel like it otherwise they get their own food. I do all the shopping (online) and they both pay me a minimal rent (£200 a month each which includes everything and I buy all the food).

I also demand they help me whenever something heavy needs lifting/doing and give me lifts when I need one. I treat it now as a house share with three (sometimes four when my husband is home, he works abroad) adults living in it. I support their special needs and help them when needed.

They try and be lazy every now and then but I just say why should I do everything? I’m not superwoman and they are much younger and fitter than me and need to learn how to run a house for whenever they do move out.

My advice is disengage, take a step back, try and see it as a house share. Start charging them rent even if you save it up for them and stop doing everything. No one can accuse you of neglect!

The talk went well. They could see where I am coming from. My DS apologised (twice). We haven't got the washing machine yet so I took a load to my neighbours yesterday. When I get the new machine I won't be doing theirs.

They are going to their dad's tonight until Sunday. He's away until Sunday and when I got home this evening I told them I want the house to myself and they can go to his. Cue some moaning from them but they are going. I can't wait until they go.

We have agreed housekeeping and they get paid on Monday so it starts then. I don't know how I got into this situation. One poster said it's more to do with societal changes which have made young people feel very entitled. God knows. Their childhood is the polar opposite of mine. No one in my family had a room to themselves. Both mine have their own rooms which are like entertainment centres.

Thanks for all the support, it really helped. I am determined to change things. Thanks for listening.

Well done op. Sounds like you are making some changes.

Great stuff, cuppatea.

Try to think of yourselves as 3 adults in a houseshare, which you are, not mummy and a couple of difficult kids

Good on you @Cuppa! I know it's hard to watch them struggle - and to listen to them moan! - but you're making better adults to send out into the world! Bonus: You're making your life easier, too!

Have you noticed a difference yet? Has it been long enough for all that?

Good for you OP!

Good for you Nice. I hope you have a nice relaxing weekend

Thanks again for posting. I haven't noticed a difference yet. My son is still being very grumpy and I am trying to be patient. I dropped him off to his dad's and I could see he was trying to be civil for short bursts but he was still being hostile. He said thanks when I dropped him off but was not exactly being nice..

I am rationalising it by thinking he hasn't got a clue about the priorities of running a household versus him being a selfish git. I hope to see a change in his attitude over the next few days. My DD says he is a bad tempered b***d. I have to restore order to the house.

It's amazing to see the impact that the flow of washing clothes is having on our relationships. It's like the disruption to the system has exposed negative feelings we have for one another. Crazy but all too true.

Bizzarely I am thinking of postponing buying a new machine to make them realise how clean clothes magically appear in the cupboard in the landingroup.

I am loving being on my own!!!

I’m 21 OP and couldn’t imagine living at home, have they ever moved out before?

When I moved out at 18 for uni I never moved back, I hated being at my mother’s as she’s overbearing, nosy etc (and I did all my laundry/cooking and had a job.) I was happy for the freedom - living with your friends is so much more fun as I’m sure you can imagine

I think you need an action plan of change and make life uncomfortable for them so they consider changing or moving out.

I think they should now buy their own food & toiletries, cook their own food, do their own laundry. Pay towards rent if you’d like. Pay for their own internet/phone/gym contracts etc as that’s what people our age who have moved out manage to do.

Have a frank discussion with them that you’re not happy with the current household state, and you would be happier if they moved out. Just hearing that may make them reconsider how they treat you, as I’m sure the thought of not having your house to fall back on is a shock

Thanks Fash. My DD aged 20 lived abroad for a few months. She must have somehow washed her clothes without me. They don't work full time because they are in education, not full time.

When I broach the subject I have to admit I am usually in pissed off mode so the discussion becomes hostile. In my defence I have tried being reasonable. The no clean clothes situation is becoming a game changer and I hope things change.

Thanks again, I know what I have to do. Number one on the list is not buying a new washing machine!

They're going to deal with their own clothes washing? Definitely put off getting a new machine. You can't afford it till they've paid a bit of rent, right?

I am rationalising it by thinking he hasn't got a clue about the priorities of running a household versus him being a selfish git.

Maybe you could just ask him which it is.

Sending virtual hugs with tea and cake!

My eldest dd is nearly 21 amd we have had this running battle for years. She is the laziest mare ever! So for the last year we do not clean her room, do her washing or ironing etc. If she has no clothes for work or uni it's her problem, doesn't want to eat what we serve for dinner she goes hungry.

My parents had aways run round after her despite my desire that she be independant and she had to fall a little to learn. It's hard and doesn't mean I love her any less but she has to grow up.

someone i know has resorted to moving away from her own children to make them stand on their own two feet.
its drastic and i couldnt do it, but i can see why people do.
One of mine is at Uni and now appreciates that clothes do not wash themselves and food has to be cooked. i hope he carries on with this when he comes back home, but i bet he doesn't unless i really put my foot down. i will have to.

Be careful what you wish for, OP...

my lot have all moved out...leaving me with their bedrooms still full of 'stuff'. I don't want to throw anything away which might be important but - I've got three bedrooms I can't use because they are crammed with furniture (they all came back from living away at university), books, clothes, and all requests to come and help clear up are met with 'I'll get a weekend and come and do it.'

I'm moving out in a year or so, so I'll be hiring a skip...

I helped fund a flat for mine. Best thing I ever did.

Years ago young people did move out much younger and were able to buy or rent fairly cheaply. I couldn’t wait to move out and do my own thing. It’s much harder now. I know someone whose brother is still at home and is 46 ! So it’s sometimes down to the individuals too I guess. Or being forced to ( as my friend is doing)

46!! I will leave myself if that looks likely. It's great to hear that so many of you understand exactly where I am at. Your posts really helped me from slipping into a low mood over this.

Mxy I will ask him that question when I see him. He will probably storm off in a huff. It's going to be interesting.

It's a gorgeous sunny day here, perfect drying weather! Pity I have no wet clothes! Enjoy your day and thanks

Hi OP -
One thing that you need to make very clear to your kids (DS especially,) is that you are letting them live in YOUR house. They may have lived there as children, when you were obliged to house them, but as adults, it is entirely your choice. You are not at all OBLIGED to keep them in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

You might also suggest that basic manners are now compulsory and failure to respect you in your own space will involve an instant rent increase or notice to leave.

One of the greatest things you can give your kids is independence. It is not fair to indulge them and make sure their every need is met by you - it fosters dependence and believe it or not, resentment. My younger brother is 43 years old and has never worked or had to think for himself because he had our mother for this. When she was literally on her deathbed, the brought laundry over to her house, expecting that I would do it for him because she had done it all his life and he "didn't know how". He learnt really fast when I laughed and said "I am not going to become your mother, I have kids of my own who are actually kids - Work it out!". It's too late for him to become functional, but your kids need to learn that the real world doesn't care about their "dream" or their sense of entitlement. It's not going to support them if you're not around.

After a few years of a shockingly bad attitude from my dd, I laid it on the line, and said she had to either follow the household rules, and help out with stuff sometimes. She just refused, so I arranged for her to live with my mum for a few months (with her permission, obviously!). It had been vile in this house for such a long time, and I felt that for our sanity, she had to leave.

I'm not sure she'll ever really forgive me for what she sees as 'kicking her out' - but 9 months later, she's at uni and living independently, and our relationship is a hundred times better.

When I posted here at the time, I got serious shit from a lot of posters though! How I was heartless, and throwing her out when I should have done everything for her until she was ready... She was 18, working, not paying me anything, and bloody awful to live with. It was a leap of faith and I took it. Hopefully when she's a bit more grown up, she will understand why I did it...

OP it sounds like you have solved it for the time being . Just to say their brains are not fully formed until 25 or so, and a friend of mine warned me to be unsurprised if boys inparticular are grunty and obnoxious for a few years starting at puberty, eventually they grow up into lovely human beings. Natures way of making them leave parents. My brother was like this. They turn into aliens temporarily. Brother is now great company and my friends son the same. Mines only 18 so fairly grumpy but at uni now so house is peaceful.

This is a thread that I needed to see OP. I have two young adult kids at home and another at uni. I never ever thought I would feel this way but I am really looking forward to the day the move out. Love them to death but the utter selfishness and lack of willingness to cooperate when it comes to our living space is making me feel very depressed. And I'm also 50 so I really, truly feel your pain!!

I think this serves as a good lesson to us all OP. My DCs are a bit younger than this but your story has made me think about stepping back a bit and getting them to do more for stuff for themselves. I sometimes find myself clearing up after them or tidying their rooms when I know I shouldn’t just because I can’t stand the mess or an argument about tidying up.

I know the "insane" feeling OP .

Not sure why you have to wait 4 years till they move out though .

I've also been attacked as a bad parent for struggling with my teen(s) on MN, when in real life people think I'm pretty good and have done a good job in difficult circumstances. FWIW I think the "attackers" usually have an easier even "gilded" life, with easier children, so cannot simply imagine the difficulties that can arise.

I think, particularly mothers, its important to retain that 'intactness' of your own personality, and if your body and soul is at risk, as well as your relationship with your children, its better to live apart probably ...

Of course its shocking and appalling in my book that rents in this country are so onerous and awful that young people can't even find a room for themselves to find their independence. But thats another thread. I also think teenagers can go through some difficult stages that mean they are not interested in housework in any way (I remember myself a bit that way shall-we-say. But I would not have disrespected my parents the way I see teenagers disrespect their parents now). Its understandable that teenagers don't want to do all that much around the house, but they really have to do a minimum taking-care-of-their-own-stuff, otherwise it becomes a Rest Home for the Adolescent .

Good luck OP. Its not easy .

And I honestly do feel your pain . It can feel hard at this stage when you've given so much already and don't feel like there's much more to give ...