FB related, SN and family drama.

[Herestoinsanity]

Gonna be an extremely long post, fb related if you want to whinge about how people shouldn't post anything on FB leave now, I have very tight security and only have very close family and a handful of friends on mine, I am going through a lot of stress with my DS having mental health issues.
I also have a lot of issues with chronic illness so FB is my sounding board
My sister has a son a year younger with autism and has a lot of struggles.

Below is a following exchange all names have been changed or omitted, if you recognise me I don't care anymore if this outs me.

I'm posting here because try as hard as I can to forget it I am still so angry days later.

AIBU to think my sister is a total bitch?
As a side note a week before she told me I wasn't allowed my wheelchair at her wedding as there was no room so I was already annoyed.
Side note 2, I cannot take any responsibility for DS dad and his comments that's none of my business.

My Post:
Absolutely fed up of child services, Cahms, GP, point one, the school and the school nursing team!
No one knows their arse from their elbow and everyone keeps saying how DS needs support but not one fucker is providing it!
How many bloody referrals and arguments does it take because Im 8 months in and still at square bloody one.
If my son does commit suicide as he keeps saying I am going to hold every single one of the above responsible.
How many times does he need to threaten to hurt himself or actually beat his siblings up before anyone will listen. No wonder he gets so frustrated when no one is willing to help.
Not like we even have any family or friends for support either.
Don't keep telling me to keep on it because I have. How many times can I smack my head off a brick wall?!

Sister:
Unfortunately there is no cure for the side effects of ASD. You do have to just keep on it. Take it from someone 8 years in. Its hard work an a 24/7 job. Xx

ME:
It's not just autism that we are dealing with unfortunately, a 9 year old boy being suicidal is not a side effect it's a mental health problem, I don't want a cure but a child who isn't so desperate that he considers suicide a viable option.
Trust me I am fully aware it's a 24/7 job Im living it x

SISTER:
Then you really need to stop expecting people to help or do something about it imediatly.. thess things take time Unfortunatly you can only watch him nd make sure he dont. Unfortunatly they cant do nothing about it but give drugs or councilling. And mental health is effected by ASD. Xx

MY DH:
It's been months / years of trying to get support / advice / recognition. We've been round the houses with departments and have got absolutely nowhere. No one wants to know!

DS DAD:
We've been at this for just over 9 years, we are doing everything we can to get DS the help he needs it's just extremely frustrating when the ones that are there to provide that help drag their heels or just don't bother.
Every child and every situation is different!
And if ME wants to vent on fb that's up to her she doesn't need negative comments

SISTER:
ill comment wat i want when i want ive been dealing with all this for 8 years aswell nd i understanding what she is going through nd i obviously knoe every child nd situation is differnt as ive been dealing with this alot longer then you an i dont need none of your oiopns on something you actually no shit about. ME can block me if SHE has a problem with my comments.

SISTER
DS aint commited suicide so clearly ME is doing everything she possible can so mind ya buisness!

D'S DAD
As I said ME and I have been as you say "dealing with it" for over 9 years so how the hell did you come up with you've been at longer, ME and I have researched everything we can get our hands on regarding autism
You know nothing of DS situation
As for mind ya business this is my son your talking about how about you keep your nose and your opinions out

SISTER:
I know as much as she shares on facebook and im entitlled to comment on what i want when i want for a good few years i done it all alone there are 3 of you supporting DS nd as i stated before he aint done nothing so SHE is doing well. Nothing you can do but deal with it and if she wants to vent then she can nd does no one is stopping her but ita fb its a social network there is a comment bar for a reason if she wants private venting she should use a diary.

ME:
^^ this is half the problem, you see what is shared not what happens off Facebook, DS DAD is. You have never done it all alone, you have mum, MIL and whoever you are with at the time.
I have done this alone, and I thank God I don't have to again.
I didn't post this for criticism or arguments, I posted it because Im sick of not getting any support from anyone...
No one knows what I deal with, or how to deal with it.
YOUR SON has his needs which are no less difficult but are very different and unless you have lived with how DS needs show no one can comment, hence why I don't ever comment on how you deal with YOUR SON because I have never lived it.
Yes it's great my 9 year old hasn't killed himself, but let's be fair that's setting the bar rather low... making sure my kid is alive.
These services are there to provide support, my working taxes pay for them.
It shouldn't take 8 months to get one person to listen, Im not expecting special treatment just what they are meant to provide.

DH:
You know the best help we've had so far... 'here's a couple of flyers for services that can help and are within an hours drive of you' ... open up both and are for over 16s only.... fan fucking tastic!

ME:
Fucking hell if you don't like my moaning on my Facebook page delete me simple. Again if you read I have not said my life is harder I explicitly stated it's not just different.
By the same flip of the coin exactly I am his mother, I have to do it all too. If I want to rant I fucking will.
Whoop de doo you don't make it public I don't really care.
Youre purposely being inflammatory.

SISTER:
Wow what a load of bollocks.. im voicing my opinion same as you did. I got inflammatory coz DS DAD decided to have a dig and yes you are his mother so stop acting like someone else should be doing this its your job no one elses same as me nd thats your problem you dont care about anyone else only you nd your problems. Everyone knows it nd just dont say it. Nd i will be deleting you now coz im sick of seein your moaning everyday.

Your sister was fine. She was measured and giving support, though maybe not what you wanted to hear.

Then your son's father got hostile towards her, and she reacted to it.

Both you and your son's father sound about 14 in those exchanges.

A bit of aside - have you heard of:
A practical guide to Mental Health problems in Children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder - It's not just their autism!
Exploring Depression and beating the blues?

Got both from the NAS conference in Reading earlier this year on mental health - it was totally full, which says something, doesn't it?

On a personal level, DS2 has been suicidal since about 9, too. Now 13 and been out of school for a year. The secondary stress is awful.
What can we do to help? Apart from or ?

I don’t think she was actually that bad? She said several times that you were doing a great job. I think the fact you said in your original post that you didn’t have friends and family support sounded like a bit of a dig.

Thank you chickens.

I think unfortunately tone doesn't show across well, she has very much a I know better attitude not a supportive one.
I wish she was supportive but she's very much you need to do more, try being a better parent person.

Her first post is exactly what Camhs said at me for a long time until my child was given play therapy. That despite the fact the anxiety which is part of ASD cause a suicide attempt at 7 that it was totally up to me to keep him safe.

Having a rant on FB is one thing but arguing with your sister on FB is sad and seems disloyal, I think she was trying in her way to be supportive but got too much hostility.

What you're going through sounds horrendous, I don't think many people would be able to understand unless they've been there. You say it's a sounding board but in reality people who care for you (whether you realise it or not) are going to find it difficult to read as it's so heated and angry, what you really need right now is counselling.

Saying you don't have the support of family and friends seems a daft thing to say to a FB audience of just family and friends!

I can see why she got your back up, but you were a but U too and your husband didn't need to wade in

I think your sister should have backed off when DH & DS DAD responded, rather than continuing the argument. It was clear to me that you were simply venting.

When people comment/reply in ways I don't like to my vents, I just delete their comments

I think your sisters comments were fine. Your ds dad had digs and inflamed the situation - u could have pulled him up on that if u had wanted to.

Your comment was just pure nasty
You have never done it all alone, you have mum, MIL and whoever you are with at the time

You were having a rant, fine. But then it turned into a battle of whose son has the worst autism and who has the least support. You come across more aggressive than your sister from what you’ve posted.
Sorry for what you’re all going through

My God do people really write all this deeply personal stuff on Facebook?

It's not the place! Stop!

I said in the post her child isn't any better or worse than mine just different.
She had a dig a DS dad saying she's been dealing with it longer than him and knows more than what he does about his child.
I'm not surprised he bit back, I wasn't going to have a go at him defending himself.

I posted a rant, I don't have any support from friends or family, and if that offends them that's upto them but I am aside from DH and DS dad completely alone in this, my sister has seen my kids once in 5 years (her choice).
If the cap fits and all.

Hi op I’m sorry that you are going through this awful situation with your son. It’s sounds heartbreaking and traumatic.

However, arguing back and forth with your sister publicly on Facebook is not going to get you anywhere. Come on MN and give out, email someone privately and get it out, write it down like your sister said, go to your local councilor and give them a piece of your mind.

Agree with others that the line about you have no support from family or friends sounds like a passive aggressive dig and would of course put your sisters nose out of
joint.

I take it from their exchange that your DH and DS do not get on - comes across in the back and forth between them. Your sister says several times that she thinks you are doing a great job.

Hope your son gets the help he needs

Jesus Christ. Trust me when I say your sister won't 'just' be dealing with autism. She knows the system and unfortunately it's shit. You seem to be playing a disability too trumps and wanting your situation to be worse than hers. Honestly, what's the point in that? My son is 9 and has asd and has been suicidal. There was no help. I didn't plaster it all over Facebook. I went to my MP, my gp and whoever I could get who actually may have had the power to DO something about the crappy system. It's a long hard fight in front of you, your anger at your sister is misguided

She came on straight away about how there's no cure and not to expect any help with my child... she's said this before all very much it's your problem deal with it.
I calmly stated I don't want a cure, it's not like I don't already know that I've lived this for long enough. She doesn't know my child, she only knows what she deals with which is completely different, her way is the only way.

Of course I want help, I can't cope with It, and unless you have heard your child that he wants to kill himself you have no idea how hard that it, it's a constant risk assessment.

Sister and DSs dad hate each other so that I keep out of but she cannot tell him to keep out of it when it's his son and that she knows more.
I will always defend that... and I don't like him either.

Christ step away from fb the lot of ye and have some self respect

Slone how so? as I've said, her situation is different, no where in that post have I said he is worse or anything of the sort.
It's a completely different life we are living.

Jesus! I can't believe you'd post such personal and sensitive things about your DS identifiably online like that.

I dont really care for peoples opinions on what I post on facebook thats my buisness.
What I care about is how someone can come back on an obviously frustrated and upset post telling me Im doing it wrong, clearly I feel I get no support so how is telling me to just deal with something I obviously can't cope with in anyway helpful?

Ahh, one of those.

OP: AIBU to think my sister is a bitch
Most posters: yes
OP: NO I'M NOT MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

Just don't put personal things on Facebook and don't argue on it.
Just don't.

You vented. (Fair enough.)
Dsis basically said it is shit, services are shit, she knows that from her own experience, and you have to take responsibility because nobody else will.
Ds dad then attacked her for being negative, and said she had no idea.
Dsis stood up for herself,
And then everyone attacked her.

I don’t think you sister is being a bitch here.

I get that you are angry, and frustrated at the system, but I don’t think it is your sister that you are angry at.

More angry that she pointed out what you already know; that being angry at lack of suitable services isn’t going to help anyone.

If you stopped being so angry at her for 5 minutes (because you’re already pissed off with her over the wedding and that may be blinkering your view) you may find that she may have some suggestions as to which services to try, or how to try and get the support you need.

Well that's what happens when you post personal things on social media. People wade in and give their two pence.

Personally I'd be embarrassed to air my dirty laundry in public in the first place.

I think you need to step away from facebook! I have a son with ASD - it is hard, there is no instant magic help and it is frustrating ............. but carrying on like this is a very bad idea.
Your sister's initial response was fine.

To be honest I don't think I am being unreasonable.
It's quite clear everything was polite and just explaining we are frustrated until she came back she'll comment what she wants and when she wants and she's been dealing with it a lot longer than us and to mind his own business.
She attacked first.