FB related, SN and family drama.

[Herestoinsanity]

Gonna be an extremely long post, fb related if you want to whinge about how people shouldn't post anything on FB leave now, I have very tight security and only have very close family and a handful of friends on mine, I am going through a lot of stress with my DS having mental health issues.
I also have a lot of issues with chronic illness so FB is my sounding board
My sister has a son a year younger with autism and has a lot of struggles.

Below is a following exchange all names have been changed or omitted, if you recognise me I don't care anymore if this outs me.

I'm posting here because try as hard as I can to forget it I am still so angry days later.

AIBU to think my sister is a total bitch?
As a side note a week before she told me I wasn't allowed my wheelchair at her wedding as there was no room so I was already annoyed.
Side note 2, I cannot take any responsibility for DS dad and his comments that's none of my business.

My Post:
Absolutely fed up of child services, Cahms, GP, point one, the school and the school nursing team!
No one knows their arse from their elbow and everyone keeps saying how DS needs support but not one fucker is providing it!
How many bloody referrals and arguments does it take because Im 8 months in and still at square bloody one.
If my son does commit suicide as he keeps saying I am going to hold every single one of the above responsible.
How many times does he need to threaten to hurt himself or actually beat his siblings up before anyone will listen. No wonder he gets so frustrated when no one is willing to help.
Not like we even have any family or friends for support either.
Don't keep telling me to keep on it because I have. How many times can I smack my head off a brick wall?!

Sister:
Unfortunately there is no cure for the side effects of ASD. You do have to just keep on it. Take it from someone 8 years in. Its hard work an a 24/7 job. Xx

ME:
It's not just autism that we are dealing with unfortunately, a 9 year old boy being suicidal is not a side effect it's a mental health problem, I don't want a cure but a child who isn't so desperate that he considers suicide a viable option.
Trust me I am fully aware it's a 24/7 job Im living it x

SISTER:
Then you really need to stop expecting people to help or do something about it imediatly.. thess things take time Unfortunatly you can only watch him nd make sure he dont. Unfortunatly they cant do nothing about it but give drugs or councilling. And mental health is effected by ASD. Xx

MY DH:
It's been months / years of trying to get support / advice / recognition. We've been round the houses with departments and have got absolutely nowhere. No one wants to know!

DS DAD:
We've been at this for just over 9 years, we are doing everything we can to get DS the help he needs it's just extremely frustrating when the ones that are there to provide that help drag their heels or just don't bother.
Every child and every situation is different!
And if ME wants to vent on fb that's up to her she doesn't need negative comments

SISTER:
ill comment wat i want when i want ive been dealing with all this for 8 years aswell nd i understanding what she is going through nd i obviously knoe every child nd situation is differnt as ive been dealing with this alot longer then you an i dont need none of your oiopns on something you actually no shit about. ME can block me if SHE has a problem with my comments.

SISTER
DS aint commited suicide so clearly ME is doing everything she possible can so mind ya buisness!

D'S DAD
As I said ME and I have been as you say "dealing with it" for over 9 years so how the hell did you come up with you've been at longer, ME and I have researched everything we can get our hands on regarding autism
You know nothing of DS situation
As for mind ya business this is my son your talking about how about you keep your nose and your opinions out

SISTER:
I know as much as she shares on facebook and im entitlled to comment on what i want when i want for a good few years i done it all alone there are 3 of you supporting DS nd as i stated before he aint done nothing so SHE is doing well. Nothing you can do but deal with it and if she wants to vent then she can nd does no one is stopping her but ita fb its a social network there is a comment bar for a reason if she wants private venting she should use a diary.

ME:
^^ this is half the problem, you see what is shared not what happens off Facebook, DS DAD is. You have never done it all alone, you have mum, MIL and whoever you are with at the time.
I have done this alone, and I thank God I don't have to again.
I didn't post this for criticism or arguments, I posted it because Im sick of not getting any support from anyone...
No one knows what I deal with, or how to deal with it.
YOUR SON has his needs which are no less difficult but are very different and unless you have lived with how DS needs show no one can comment, hence why I don't ever comment on how you deal with YOUR SON because I have never lived it.
Yes it's great my 9 year old hasn't killed himself, but let's be fair that's setting the bar rather low... making sure my kid is alive.
These services are there to provide support, my working taxes pay for them.
It shouldn't take 8 months to get one person to listen, Im not expecting special treatment just what they are meant to provide.

DH:
You know the best help we've had so far... 'here's a couple of flyers for services that can help and are within an hours drive of you' ... open up both and are for over 16s only.... fan fucking tastic!

ME:
Fucking hell if you don't like my moaning on my Facebook page delete me simple. Again if you read I have not said my life is harder I explicitly stated it's not just different.
By the same flip of the coin exactly I am his mother, I have to do it all too. If I want to rant I fucking will.
Whoop de doo you don't make it public I don't really care.
Youre purposely being inflammatory.

SISTER:
Wow what a load of bollocks.. im voicing my opinion same as you did. I got inflammatory coz DS DAD decided to have a dig and yes you are his mother so stop acting like someone else should be doing this its your job no one elses same as me nd thats your problem you dont care about anyone else only you nd your problems. Everyone knows it nd just dont say it. Nd i will be deleting you now coz im sick of seein your moaning everyday.

Also to say I am also going through the assessment of needs 18 months now' still feel at square 1 so I do understand.

I would be fearful and conscious if I put my DD's most desperate moments on Facebook, they could come back to haunt her it is her personal business. Would you want that??

Feel free to put whatever you want on Facebook, as you said, it's your choice. But look how well it's worked out!

Herestoinsanity - I doubt there is anything I can say to help, but I can see you are in a horrible place right now, and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I don't know your sister or how to interpret her words in the light of knowing her. I would say that from an outside perspective, her first comment reads to me as someone being supportive and agreeing that things are shit and that all you can do is keep on going. Her second could be interpreted either way. Once DS's dad comments, it all goes downhill on all sides. FB is not great for nuanced discussion, so to save yourself heartache, I would continue to use it to vent, but not get into replying to comments unless they make you feel positive. Trust me - no one ever wins a FB argument.

All that aside, your mum's comment to you is bloody vile, and I'm having trouble getting past your sister not allowing you your wheelchair at her wedding.

To be honest, I would set your FB posts so they can't see them all, and then there will be less chance of this sort of thing kicking off. I wish I could suggest something that could help your DS, but I can't, I'm sorry

I’m sorry you’re going through all this with your son but you all sound as bad as each other here... FB is not the place to discuss this stuff, especially the state of your son’s mental health. It’s just not appropriate and is really unfair on him.

Is it possible that the build up of frustration and exhaustion is getting a bit misdirected as anger towards your sister here?

We all say and do things that maybe don't show us at our best. Often they're not malice based, just ill thought out or poorly timed.

My mum has my sister on a pedestal, she can do no wrong. I've become a fan of the false apology to de-escalate situations and to help avoid others fanning the flames. So I'd say 'I'm sorry that feelings have been hurt' . Mi'd be thinking my feelings but its up to the individuals concerned to interpret.

If you choose to comment on fb, you can't control if other people choose to voice their opinion.

I'm not going to comment on the actual aibu question OP but can I just say I know exactly what you're going through- my son has attempted suicide twice in the last 3 months and camhs are insistent that he's just doing it for attention because under 11's don't understand what suicide actually means. My son is 10.

I wish I had advice, I really don't- I can't even help my own child never mind someone else's. All we can do is keep fighting.

I hope your sons mental health improves soon and you get some help for him x

Your sister was fine.

You, your DH, and your ex were not.

Does the internet really need the ins and outs of your poor sons's personal medical details?

As for you doing it alone, how so when your DH and your ex have been living it with you?

I understand you are feeling frustrated, as your situation is deeply upsetting, but you just blasted your child’s very VERY personal health details on the internet. For everyone. Forever. The first rule of the internet is once it’s up there it’s there forever.

It is understandable you want attention, as you are feeling unheard, but you need more constructive ways to deal with this. You say you have no friends or family but who are your Facebook friends? Who was this rant directed towards? Did you want to just ‘stick it’ to everyone? What were you trying to achieved?

There isn’t a ‘suffering olympics’. When someone empathises saying that they know what it must be like you don’t have to start comparing and contrasting.

And bottom line: if you’re old enough to have a child, you’re too old to be getting in fights on Facebook!

Might I suggest getting some counselling to deal with your anger? As Facebook rants about others medical histories is really not on.

TL;DR: YABU, get off Facebook, and find more constructive ways to get attention.

If you want to vent, perhaps a journal might be a better choice? You can right down all your feelings and no one else can respond.

I agree with PP, your sister was trying to be supportive. It was the child's father that ramped it up. I don't see anything wrong with what she posted her grammar isn't great.

Oh god your poor son- don't you have any respect for his privacy?

It doesn't have to be a competition for who has it worse.

I hope your son is okay and gets the help he needs.

OP I understand you are frustrated at the woefully inadequate services for MH but putting such personal information on Facebook about your son isn’t great. I would be devastated to learn that my mum had shared all of that info about me - perhaps a journal would be better?

Why point out that you have tight security and only close family on FB then post all this on a VERY public (and DM fodder) chatboard?

I think FB has a tendency to make people think posts are aimed at them when they're not. We're all very self centred on social media, the format just encourages you to put yourself front and centre, and we tend to read all these angry aggressive posts as though they are aimed at us. That's why I unfriend and hide posts like yours I'm afraid. It might be venting to you but to a paranoid friend / relative it can cause a lot of stress and aggro. I even feel stress and aggro reading a stranger's rant.

None of you covered yourselves in glory in that exchange.

Of the three of you, your sister was the least to blame.

I expect she'll just let your FB rants pass without any form of comment in future and doubtless you'll feel even less supported by family/friends going forward.

Why on earth would you post that stuff on bloody facebook?! I'd be mortified... I can only guess your poor son's issues are hereditary...

Yes YABU

Your sister did nothing wrong. DS Dad lit the touch paper and you exploded.

@Meandtwo
*WTF??
*
Having ASD does not mean you are rude, stroppy, and unpleasant. Your dig at the mum being a PITA so must have ASD too is totally unacceptable.

I know you are all going through an incredibly hard rime i couldnt even imaging and I am going to come across as a total cow.
But it just seems as if you at all competing for the title of the hardest life.
Instead of being on Facebook. Write a letter to your local counciler and get him/ her to look at the situatuon. They maybe able to changchange rule about ages etc.

Good luck to your son.

As a completely independent person reading that exchange, i have to say your sister comes off as the most measured.
You're reading aggression from her posts, but oblivious to your own.
I hope your ds gets the help he needs soon.

To be honest I don't think I am being unreasonable.

Well, why did you post on AIBU then?!

I can't see what your sister has done wrong-I feel sorry for her.

OP, you come across as full of your own self importance and totally self absorbed.

Admit it - you were already annoyed at your dsis and were just looking for any excuse to have a go at her
How about you do the grown up thing and separate the wheelchair/wedding issue from this?
You both have dc with ASD and have to deal with all that brings
She knows at just as much as you seeing as there's only a year's difference between your dc!

I have very tight security and only have very close family and a handful of friends on mine
So YOU choose to keep them 'informed' of all your angst and struggles and use them as a 'sounding board', i bet you do the same in real life.........yet then you go on to say Not like we even have any family or friends for support either.
Wow! Ungrateful, unappreciative much?

Not like we even have any family or friends for support either
Yes you can - if you wanted to.
She wasn't even talking to him or about him and he waded in on her!

How many bloody referrals and arguments does it take because Im 8 months in and still at square bloody one
Don't keep telling me to keep on it because I have. How many times can I smack my head off a brick wall?!

Yet you and your ex keep banging on about it being 9 years of trying to get help
Which is it?
The sad truth is that you do have to 'keep on at it' no matter how frustrated and angry you get.....do you think it's any easier for everyone else?

If you don't want people to respond - don't post where they can see it and where the 'etiquette' is to reply back to you or be accused of 'ignoring' you.
No doubt you would have made a drama about that too if nobody responded

Your dsis was correct in what she said and she didn't have an 'attitude' with you until you and your ex started on her

3rd highlighted quote should be I cannot take any responsibility for DS dad and his comments that's none of my business

Please don't post such private details about your son ob FB so that people comment on it and then start arguments (not your sister, the rest of you). It's bloody awful.