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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that dh wants to go out on Christmas?

71 replies

Pinkjellies · 01/11/2017 15:51

I don't have much family to speak of so DH and I spend most christmas' with his family in another city.

Most years he would go round to his mate's family on Christmas evening and since we've been together I've gone too. I don't really enjoy these Christmas evening. I don't know the family too well and we often play trivia games which makes me embarrassed for my lack of general knowledge.

Dh is well aware I don't love the experience and every year we have words about whether we'll go especially since his family are a bit miffed that we up and leave after dinner. This year, I really can't be bothered and I told dh I won't be going. I expected him to want to stay with me but he has said that he's going whether or not I do. Aibu to expect him to stay in with me at his parents on Christmas Day?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2017 15:54

Yeah you're being a bit unreasonable

Its one evening all year where you have to socialise with them and play trivia. Try swotting up a bit- you've got about 8 weeks to impress them all

AmysTiara · 01/11/2017 15:56

Do you feel happy to stay with his parents on your own? If that's not an issue I'd leave him to it and enjoy the evening with your in-laws.

ColinCreevy · 01/11/2017 15:56

Yabu.
It sounds fun and he should feel able to go. You're kinda manipulating and guilt tripping which is unfair. Go along and try to enjoy it or stay home but don't pressure anyone else to stay with you!

sonjadog · 01/11/2017 15:57

I don't think he is being unreasonable. It is only for a few hours and he'll be with you the rest of the time? Presumably these people are important to him?

annandale · 01/11/2017 15:58

I generally find it a bit odd to see friends over family on Christmas Eve/Day and even a bit on Boxing Day. There are 362 other days of the year to see friends. So as far as that goes, yes, I would expect my partner to stay with me and with his own family for the Christmas Day itself.

However, are you ever willing to go and see them, either on Boxing Day or another day? Does it matter that you don't know lots of trivia? Do you have to join in the game, or if you do couldn't you just take it lightheartedly? I would want my partner to try to make an effort with my friends on any other day, yes.

redshoeblueshoe · 01/11/2017 16:03

Shox - she is seeing his family, she just doesn't want to go to his friends in the evening. I think he sounds selfish.
His family, his mates - and if you don't like it tough

morningtoncrescent62 · 01/11/2017 16:07

I'm surprised at some of the responses. I don't think YABU. It sounds like he wants to have Christmas entirely his way, and never mind what you and his family (who are kind enough to be hosting you) feel about it. Frankly, he sounds like he's being childish to me. Once you're an adult Christmas shouldn't revolve around you any more - you have to take others' wishes and feelings into account.

sonjadog · 01/11/2017 16:09

Likewise it shouldn't all revolve around what the OP wants...

Smartiepants79 · 01/11/2017 16:11

How often does he see them otherwise? If this is the only time the you are being VVV unreasonable.
This is not really something I understand to be honest. I don't feel the need to be attached to my DH at all times and really don't have an issue with him going places without me. If I want to stay home I stay home.
This is part of his christmas traditions, that he presumably looks forward to.
I think it's a bit miserable and unfair to tell him he can't go just because you don't want to.

Idontevencareanymore · 01/11/2017 16:11

Yanbu. I wouldn't want to go somewhere I don't have fun.
Yabu if you're saying dh can't go.

Smartiepants79 · 01/11/2017 16:13

The OP suggests that DH get christmas 'entirely his way' because there aren't other alternatives. NOT because he's selfish and mean.

bridgetreilly · 01/11/2017 16:15

I don't think you should have to go to his friends, but I think you would be a bit unreasonable to tell him he can't go.

Jaxhog · 01/11/2017 16:16

Seeing his family on Christmas day - reasonable. Like it or not, Christmas about families.

Seeing his mates Christmas night (if they aren't yours too) - unreasonable. They can get together anytime, with or without you.

Nikephorus · 01/11/2017 16:16

His family don't sound too impressed either. It sounds a bit like a teenager coming home from university for Christmas, eating at home and then buggering off to see their mates without giving a toss about the family. Can't he do that some other time and just focus on you & his family for once?

StaySexyDontGetMurdered · 01/11/2017 16:17

I wouldn't want to go either. It sounds like the sort of thing that's only fun if you've grown up with it.
Plus you are seeing his family during the day too. It's all one sided.

At the end of the day you can't make him not go, whether he is BU or not. If I was you I would put my focus on making a cosy little evening for myself and keep pushing positive thoughts towards it. Treat yourself to a new box set/film/book and enjoy eating leftover treats in some new pyjamas.
Or whatever floats your boat.

JaneEyre70 · 01/11/2017 16:20

Why don't you book somewhere nice for the two of you? Break the routine. It does sound very one sided tbh.

YouTheCat · 01/11/2017 16:24

What would you like to do instead?

yeahforfriday · 01/11/2017 16:26

This year, I really can't be bothered and I told dh I won't be going. I expected him to want to stay with me but he has said that he's going whether or not I do I think YABU just for this part alone. You told him you couldn't be bothered you didn't ask if you could both just skip it altogether this year and you are upset he has said he still wants to go.

BewareOfDragons · 01/11/2017 16:26

If you're in a city, book yourself into a nice movie you wouldn't normally get to see and go hide in the movie theatre for a couple of hours. I would LOVE to go sit in the theatre in peace for a couple of hours. It gets you out of trivia AND being alone with his family.

YouTheCat · 01/11/2017 16:29

Where are these cinemas that are open on Christmas Day?

allertse · 01/11/2017 16:35

YABU especially as you said you can't be bothered rather than suggesting a good alternative.

I wouldn't be impressed if my partner was trying to guilt me into not doing a long-standing tradition without a good alternative.

I'd happily forgo xmas traditions with my family/friends to do something with my partners family or friends if it was important to them. I wouldn't forgo it to spend just the two of us which we could do literally any other day of the year.

redshoeblueshoe · 01/11/2017 16:36

But none of it is revolving around what the OP wants. He wants to go to his parents, she is going. Then he wants to go to his mates, and she doesn't. And as far as he is concerned tough shit - he will be doing what he wants - and she can just do one. FFS

ReanimatedSGB · 01/11/2017 16:39

What's your H like the rest of the time? People can get a bit irrational over doing Xmas the way they have always done it, and if he's generally lovely then maybe you can reach some sort of compromise over this.

But if your entire relationship consists of you whining and him doing whatever he wants to do, you've got bigger problems than mas.

BewareOfDragons · 01/11/2017 16:40

Cinemas are generally open on Christmas day... a lot of movies are actually released on the day!

Dozer · 01/11/2017 16:40

If due to circumstances you spend every single christmas with his family he’s being U to expect you to fit in with all his festive plans all the time IMO. It suggests you are of lower priority to him.

After a day with the in laws many people wouldn’t fancy an evening playing trivia games with family/friends one barely know when this hasn’t been enjoyable for the past X years, especially when doing this annoys the in laws on Christmas day.

So you plan to stay in at the in laws’ - fair enough.

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